The New Year

Well I am glad that 2010 has ended but some how I don't think 2011 is going to be any better. My Mum has been fighting her cancer for way too long, she is deteriorating now, although you could never tell her that, not that she doesn't know but she would never admit it. She is still making Christmas sweets for all her family although she pays for it for days later. She is being just as amazing as always only her body is no longer cooperating having to spend more time on oxygen, walking a short distance is becoming difficult, losing lots of weight. I have seen all the signs before and it breaks my heart. 2011 scares me. So I am not welcoming it, I am just taking one day at a time just like I have been. It's the only way to get through it.

I am missing Max so much. Yesterday we went to "our" favourite beach. It was the first time I took Boo into the surf. We have been to the beach many times but only played in the sand or wet his feet. The waves were only small so it was perfect for him.  I kept thinking of Max and I playing around in the surf. We would always have a blast.  Boo loved it too. Whilst I held him in the waves we jumped as they came through getting splashed. Hearing him giggle and laugh, it made me so happy that we can still enjoy it together. I wish it was the 3 of us, Max would be so proud of his boy and would have had so much fun with him. It was the stuff we always dreamed of. Our family at the beach, building castles together.

You know, some days it's still really hard to believe he has gone.

Happy New Year to you. Thank you for all your support through my toughest year 2010.
Love you all xx

Adventures

I love taking Boo on adventures and he loves it too. He is so curious, so to open his world to wonderful things just makes him so happy and I love watching him discovering.
These photos were taken yesterday at Sydney Olympic Park, I was there a few weeks ago to see U2. What a difference it was without the thousands of fans around. It's only 5 mins from house I really should make more use of it. The weather wasn't too great but I am definitely going to take Boo back so he can splash around in the fountains on a warm day.
The Chinese tourists thought Boo was the most exciting thing there, they kept snapping pics of him and asked if they could have a cuddle. Boo just laughed and posed for the camera.

Poser! (Blurred his eyes on purpose)

The spaceship is landing.

Popping the Bon Bon

Boo got spoiled rotten by family and friends for Christmas. He played, he laughed, he slept, he ate, he swam, he sang Christmas songs he had a great day.

I was doing really well yesterday. Until it was time to sit down for lunch and everyone started popping their bon bons. I turned to my brother-in-law who was sitting beside me and we popped one. Everyone was laughing and enjoying their moment. It was then that I lost it, the tears started streaming I left the table and room quietly unnoticed and sat on the couch and balled my eyes out. Max should have been there sitting beside me, we should have been popping our bon-bons together. He should have been there doing what he loved, enjoying all the great food and beer and company, cracking jokes and laughing with his nephews and nieces.

It's just not fair, why was he taken from us? It's just fucked.

Today, Boxing Day is 10 years since Max and I met. I will write that story one day.
But for now I just need to cry.

Out and About with Boo

We are loving Summer!

The Festive Season

The festive season is upon us, the more time I spend with family and friends the more I am missing Max, wishing he was with me celebrating and sharing the moments. I am forever grateful that I have my Boo, he is the light of my life. He is cheeky and smart and happy and exhausting, I love him so much. I am going to make it through this Christmas for him, and the next Christmas and the one after that. I know it's going to be challenging, no doubt I will have many tears. I will be remembering all the Christmas's I shared with Max and the one and only last year we shared as a family of three. I will look forward to Christmas morning this year and seeing Boos little face light up as he opens his presents and I know Max will be watching us too.

Boo and I wish you a very Merry Christmas, 

enjoy and cherish your time with your family and friends.

The Music

Well still no wrapping done and only about a quarter of my Christmas cards written. Boo is cutting an eye tooth and a molar at the same time so he has been quite unsettled. He keeps waking during the night which is a drag. He falls asleep quickly enough but I don't. So I have been having naps during the day when he has a sleep which leaves me with no time to do the things I need to do.
Boo hasn't had much success with his helmet firstly the humidity has been a killer here, the helmet makes him extra hot and he literally drips sweat off his head enough that his t-shirts are saturated. Secondly because his helmet needs to be adjusted it keeps pushing down over his eyes which makes him want to yank it off and then he whinges the entire time, so to make us all happy I take it off. I am getting it adjusted tomorrow.

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I went to the U2 concert on Monday night, they were great. It was the first time I had seen them live although they have come to Sydney many times. I went with a bunch of old school friends including CDV all who are huge fans from way back and have seen them many times. I would have liked them to have played some more of their older songs but overall I was impressed, we had great seats too.

As soon as I got out of the cab and walked into the stadium forecourt, I thought of Max. I was walking around alone until my friends arrived. Max and I did a lot together, we had a lot in common. Seeing live music was one of them. I felt his presence the entire time, he should have been walking beside me. During the concert, Bono played a quiet song, I don't even recall what it was now because I had switched off after it had triggered some thoughts.( CDV you may remember) It was a moment that I imagined Max by my side with his arm around my waist bopping to the music. I imagined him yelling out his YEAAAH after being impressed by the music. I got totally caught up in my own little dream, I had forgotten I was surrounded by 85,000 U2 fans. I tried so hard to control the tears, CDV was beside me, she noticed and put her arms around me.  I told her I was ok. I almost went into a blabbering mess when I took a few deep breaths and pulled myself together enough to get into the next song.  Max would have wanted me to enjoy the night. So I did but I still miss him terribly.

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*** Editing to Add

Thanks CDV I knew I could rely on you. Wow those lyrics have just blown me away a truly beautiful song. Max surely was speaking with me.

Thanks!

Thank you everyone for your votes and your input.
I really couldn't decide so going purely by your votes Two Weeks just scrapes in over Mr Sparkles.

This week has been so hectic, lots happening and lots to do. I have lots to say and no time to say it. Many of things I need to do whilst Boo is having his naps which doesn't really give me much time. Wrapping presents with a toddler is really not much fun, especially when he rips the wrapping off after you have done a half decent job of wrapping it. So it's a slow process that is why I need to get started now and who knows I may be done Christmas.

Creme de la Creme - I need your help.

Ok so I want to submit a post for Mels Creme de la Creme but I can't decide which post.
So I need your help to decide please. I must say it has been really difficult reading back to some of these posts. I have spent a good part of the morning crying.

Here are the ones I am thinking about posting.
Thank you and Goodbye.
Two Weeks
Mr Sparkles and the Love Notes
The Big Plastic Bag

So which one do you think?

Express Yourself

I have been reading a lot about loss and grief in the blogosphere lately. Which I am sorry for. When I read these bloggers words I usually nod whilst reading and think to myself that is exactly how I feel. I am finding it frustrating because I have all these feeling, these emotions, yet I can't write them down. And I read others words and it's like they have written it down for me. I don't know why I can't write them down, I wish I could I know I would feel better for it. I have soooo much to say. But I can't, they are stuck somewhere. I want to leave comments but I can't, I don't know why I can't. I feel like I am in a really strange place.

I have been feeling very tired lately, I am not sure why. I think I might be fighting a sinus infection. I really only have my evenings to write. I pop on and off the computer during the day, post some pics of FB, write a status, read some blogs and that's about it. I do all my thinking in the mornings, I write posts in my head when I am fresh come evening I am exhausted and just can't get them out. The humidity in Sydney has been shocking the last couple of weeks, I love summer but I can't handle the humidity, it just drains me of energy. So my posts are just blah blah lately with no expression. I am not telling you how I am really feeling, not because I don't want to, it's just that I can't. But I want to.

You see this post probably makes no sense. I am tired.

Celebrations

My Mum made it to her Birthday lunch, she wasn't feeling the best but because my Mum is such a trooper she put on her happy face and managed to enjoy her day with her family. There was some of us missing but they all made sure to catch up with her later.

I didn't think I would get into the Christmas spirit this year without Max. Max was never really keen on the lead up to Christmas. He enjoyed having our little Christmas tree up with it's little lights but that was about it. But come the day, he would always enjoy himself, eating lots of yummy food and enjoying a couple of glasses of wine or beer with family, always going home content. We always said that once we had kids (yes plural) that we would get a bigger tree and look forward to decorating it together.

I have surprised myself. I have decorated the house as well as I could making it toddler proof. I made a little Xmas corner.  I have done it for Boo but I am enjoying it and loving his reaction to everything xmasy. Still using our little Xmas tree that Max and I put up because it's easy to toddler proof. I think it makes more sense to upsize when Boo is a bit older.  We had a trip into to the city yesterday to see the big Christmas tree and window decorations and spent some time in Hyde park. It was a nice day out.

So, so close but out of reach!

Our little Christmas Corner

Christmas Tree in Martin Place

A kiss under the tree.

Christmas windows

Hyde Park

Christmas Tree in Hyde Park

This one is for Mel and all my other Jewish bloggy friends x

More Randomness

My Mum is ok, very breathless but ok. She didn't end up having the stent inserted, the specialist gave her a good flush out and decided the stent could wait and he will reassess in 3 months time. Which is good news, hopefully her recovery will be faster too and will be up to getting out for he Birthday lunch.

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I just realised I have posted twice in the one day wow! it's been a while since I have done that.

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Boo managed to keep his helmet on for just over 3 hours today. Not all in one go it was on and off but one and half hours was in one block. My niece took him to the indoor playground whilst I had my haircut and coloured YES I finally got my haircut! And I went a bit drastic with the colour I now have one big fat red streak at the front. Why not! Anyway I digress.  Boo was distracted enough playing to keep his helmet on. It was only when he got tired that he wanted it off. So if I can add an hour every day for the next couple of weeks we should get there. That is the plan anyway.

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I am going to see U2 next week it's been quite a while since I have seen any live music, that is something Max and I enjoyed doing a lot of. The week after that I am taking Boo to see the Wiggles! I can't wait to see his reaction, he loves the Wiggles.

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Another photo I just had to share.

Boo is fast asleep here. Like his Daddy he can sleep in any position.

Boo's Helmet Part 2

Here it is! Boos helmet. He hates it!  He tries to pull it off which puts it into the incorrect position so I keep having to reposition it.

I have to wean him onto it in the first couple of weeks, this morning he only kept it on for 10 mins then had a complete whinge fest. I will eventually have to get him to have a day sleep with it on, then try and get him to wear it between 18 and 23 hours a day. It's going to be a tough ride, I can feel it.

He keeps his bike helmet on when I take him for rides on his trike. I think there will loads of trike riding coming up!

Randomness

My Mum is going in for her procedure tomorrow. It's her birthday on Sunday I have booked a restaraunt to have a big family lunch to celebrate. Now I am not sure if she is going to be up to. We will wait and see....

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Boo is getting his helmet fitted tomorrow too at a different hospital.
Fingerscrossed he copes with it well. I am worried about him getting used to sleeping with it on. We will wait and see....

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I read a blog today of someone that is surviving LMS for 9 years. 9 years!! How I wish Max had 9 years, 7 more years than he had. He could have seen Boo grow into a beautiful boy and Boo would actually be old enough to remember how much his Daddy loved him and built some memories of him. We could have fulfilled a lot more of Max's dreams, our dreams. 9 years.

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It's the first day of Summer here, it has been raining for almost a week and will continue to for the next week. They have forecast a very wet Summer boohoo!! I have so many plans, outdoor activities to do with Boo that I have been looking forward to. Not to mention the washing is piling up!

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Boo had his photo taken with Santa today, I am hoping to make it a yearly tradition. A couple of weeks ago, I introduced Santa to Boo in the shopping centre. He cried and cried. Ever since then, we have visited Santa to get Boo acquainted and so he can watch the other kids get their pics taken. He did it, he sat on Santas lap although he gave a half hearted smile he still smiled however he was still very unsure about Santa.

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I have been feeling pretty down lately. I was having a god run, then BANG back down again. I hope to find my way back up soon.

Just Sharing

Splashing about in his splash pool. He loves water.

Helping Mummy wash the car. He had so much fun!

My little artist. He had loads of fun squishing the paint out of the brushes.

ICLW = FAIL

I thought I would give ICLW a go, I don't recall participating before and now I know I why. I suck. I do admit I probably chose one of my busiest weeks and when I had a moment I usually just skimmed through posts with little time to gather any thoughts about what I had just read therefore not leaving a comment. I did leave some comments but I am sure I didn't reach my quota, I didn't actually count.
So I would like to apologize to all the ICLW participants for not doing my part..

Sorry.

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My Mums procedure has been postponed apparently the hospital is packed to the rafters and they also have a few lung transplant patients. So no go. No alternative date has been scheduled yet. Maybe it's a sign?

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Boo's helmet is currently being produced, we should hear back this week.

The Jacaranda

Me: Did you see that the Jacarandas are out?
Max: Yeah, they are everywhere, they are beautiful aren't they?
Me: They are so messy.
Max: They're not messy.
Me: Yes they are they drop all their purple flowers everywhere and make a huge mess.
Max: But that is part of their beauty, the carpet of purple they leave on the ground.
Me: Yeah but they are no fun when you park under one and your car has a blanket of purple on it.
Max: Just don't park near one.
Me: I am not saying they are not beautiful, they are. I love them, they are just messy.
Max: Oh you are such a clean freak, it's nature.
Me: No I am not..... Ok they are beautifully messy. (smirking)
Max: Shakes his head and sighs.

It's that time of the year again, where the Jacarandas are everywhere around Sydney. Every suburban street has a least one tree. If you stand on a hill you will see spots of purple everywhere from these huge trees. They remind me of Max. We had similar conversations every year when the Jacarandas where out.
I am really feeling Max around me with all the Jacarandas and I am thinking of him a lot. I was going to take a branch to him, so he could enjoy the Jacaranda but there was no trees I could access unless I was trespassing near my home. Yesterday Boo and I went to visit him I wanted to play him that song. As we drove there, I told Boo that we were going to see Daddy. He started blowing kisses, he made me cry. He has only just started to blow kisses, it just amazes me that he knows when it is appropriate. As I drove through the front gates of the cemetery I just smiled as I saw two huge Jacaranda trees canopying the driveway. I had never noticed them before. Max has his Jacarandas close by, he is enjoying them.

Bum Shuffling

This is for those of you that have never seen a bum shuffler before.
It's just a snippet before he gets totally distracted. When he gets going he is very, very fast.

I had never seen a bum shuffler before Boo. He gets LOTS of comments on it when people see him. He also gets really sore, red and bruised ankles if he isn't wearing shoes and socks, but that wont stop him.

He tried to bum shuffle over the pebble creek at the splash park but soon realised it wasn't a good idea.

I Can't Think Of A Title.

Boo and I had another great day today spending it with friends and their little ones I met online. We hung out in our backyard and had lunch, the little ones played with toys and enjoyed splashing in splash pools. I love the internet, I have met so many wonderful people that I have connected with. Not to mention my beautiful Max who I met online. And all of you wonderful blog readers. Although we don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Aus, I am very thankful for the world wide web.

Just a brief post today, I have a whopping headache from most likely too much sun.

I haven't heard from Boo's Helmet Dr yet, I think I will give him a call tomorrow to see were it is at.

I managed to get Boo into a Family Day Care with a family friend next year . She had one space available on the Wednesday, which is great! Not only do I know her but she is just up the road from our house, so very convenient. I am going to fill out the paperwork on Monday. I am very happy about that.

My Mum is going to have another stent put into her esophagus/lung on Monday. Since she now only has the one lung functioning her Specialist is concerned that the cancer will grow quickly and close off the other. I am not really keen on her having any procedures and have told her so but she feels like if she doesn't do it then she has given up. I just don't think her body is as strong as it was when she had the first one done a few years back. I don't think she remembers how bad she felt after it. I know that every time Max had a procedure it was a step backwards. Anyway it's her decision and we will hope for the best.

This Thing Called Parenting

Apart from the Spider bite, which I survived by the way, I have had a good week. The best week I have had in a long time. I met up with lots of friends with their little ones. I love seeing Boo interact with other children, he so social. The weather is warming up so we are doing lots of outdoor activities which he loves. He makes me laugh every day, I can see his little sense of humour coming out which I love. Even though he still isn't saying much he certainly understands a lot. He has become more vocal and trying to communicate even though I can't make sense of the words. He is getting lots of bumps and bruises from falls as he becomes more adventurous and standing up and cruising any piece of furniture he can. He has just decided that crawling is better than bum shuffling, he has never crawled. If he crawls he can get up steps which is great if he knew how to get back down!

He loves when I play with him and I make sure that we get plenty of play time together every day, which includes drawing, painting and reading. He is also playing well on his own now although usually is getting up to some mischief when I don't hear him for more than 5 minutes. He gives me loads and loads of kisses even when I don't ask for any. Those kisses just make my day.

I think I am getting the hang of this parenting thing, I wasn't sure at first, it was all a bit daunting to think I had to do it all on my own but I am coping and I even think I am doing an ok job of it too. But having said that I am feeling I do need some time out from time to time. Boo is becoming a handful the more mobile he is becoming and I rarely get long periods of time to myself, actually I rarely get any time to myself, just to do those things I need or want to do, like get a haircut or catch a movie. My sister is around but she is busy with her business and she is already doing a lot of running around for my Mum and Dad, so I don't like to ask her very often. I have decided to put Boo on the Family Day Care list for one day a week next year. Just to give me a break and give Boo more interaction with little ones which he loves. So I think it will be good for both of us.

I took Boo to the clinic yesterday, and 4 days short of being 15 months he weighs 12.7kgs and is 81cm tall. Max would be so proud of his Boo and I think he would be pretty chuffed with me too. I just wish he was here to enjoy it all too.

My Little Superhero

This little Superman just went to bed totally exhausted after having a great day at his friends Superhero dress up party. I just had to share these.

Boo will always be my superhero.

Ouch!

*** Warning for Mel and anyone else who has fear of spiders and bugs.

The most exciting thing that was meant to happen today was getting a long overdue haircut. I was really looking forward to getting a haircut, I was going with my niece we were both going to get our hair cut nice and short for Summer. I don't remember the last time I had it cut. Anyway it didn't happen.

Why? Well this morning after having a shower and getting dressed, I sat at the computer whilst Boo was asleep with my cuppa for a little time out. I felt this scratchy feeling in my undies. I thought it was a tag or something, then it was becoming more uncomfortable, so I got up from my chair and whilst standing in my office I took my pants off and then my underpants only too see a black thing fling onto the carpet in front of me. I didn't even have to have a close look because I could see what it was from standing. It had it's distinctive markings on it. I knew exactly what it was. A Redback Spider! "Redbacks are considered one of the most dangerous spiders in Australia. The Redback spider has a neurotoxic venom which is toxic to humans with bites causing severe pain." Holy shit! I ran into the bathroom to check out if it had actually bit me, using a hand held mirror to check out my bum crack, yes my bum crack! There was a bite alright and the pain was getting worse. I called my sister and told her just in case something happened to me so she was here for Boo. Then I called the ambulance. Could it have bitten me in an anymore uncomfortable area?? I was told by the 000 service to stay calm and very still and to put an icepack on the puncture site. It wasn't until she told be to stay calm that I started to feel anxious. She also said if I had any trouble swallowing or breathing to call them back if the ambo hadn't arrived. The venom is a slow moving one so as long as you stay still it will travel slowly. After about 15 minutes I started to get strong pain in my groin lymp node. The lymph node was fighting the toxins. My sister arrived before the ambulance. When the Ambo came he took my obs and did an ECG and all was fine. He also had to check out my bum crack, the poor guy. He told me about RB bites and what to expect, apparently the site can become an abscess.   I really hope it doesn't it would so bloody uncomfortable it's sore enough as it is. So apart from the actual bite being quite painful, the very sore lymph node, some nausea and a headache. I was fine, I still am and the nausea has subsided. He gave me an antihistamine and some painkillers an monitored me for about hour. He asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital or I could stay at home and see my GP in the afternoon to check the bite and to monitor my symptoms. I decided to stay home with Boo and my sister stayed with me too. So I survived a Redback Spider bite, well technically I have to monitor my symptoms for 24hours so if I make it till the morning then I have survived a RB bite.  I am pretty sure I will be here in the morning.

So how did the spider get in my undies you ask?
Well the only way I can think of is on the clothes horse. It's been raining so I have put the washing on the clothes horse under the carport. When it's windy sometimes the clothes horse blows over with all my clean clothes, so I tend to prop it up against the BBQ to give it a bit of stability. I noticed some webs on the side of BBQ cover, so it came from BBQ to clothes horse to my undies (oh by the way my undies where black so I had no hope in hell of seeing the bugger!)

She is a huge one too even my GP and the Ambo thought so, they had never seen one that big. I have it in a jar as souvenir, no actually I need to hold onto it case I do get any other symptoms. But I might hold onto it for a while for show and tell....you know.
I really need to watch Boo chasing bugs around the house, although RB's don't tend to come inside they can travel by other means like underpants!

That is why Australia is the lucky country because we have the most venomous everything, no seriously it is the lucky country.

I think I have become undiephobic I will never be able to wear underpants again! Just kidding...I think.
Ouch! my bum hurts and I still really need a haircut!

The Sound of Summer

I am so in love with this song at the moment. It just says Summer! It makes me feel good, it makes me happy. Boo loves it too. It reminds me of Max, although he has never heard it as it is a fairly recent release, I know that he would love it. He liked Franti, so I am sure he would have liked this. I think I may play it for him next time we go and visit him. It makes me think of all the wonderful times we had together, our adventures, our travels, the beach, the love we had. I wish he was here to hear it and sing along with me and Boo in the car whilst we drive to the beach. I hope you enjoy it too.

Some Moments

I thought I would share a couple of my new favorite photos.

Two of the most precious people in my life sharing a moment. My Mum and Boo checking out my Dads budgies.

I love that Boo is so curious, although it does get him into trouble at times. He loves playing with the garden hose. Look at that muddy bum (from bum shuffling) and those chubby chomps.

Today he chased a Christmas beetle around in his room, close to catching it. Until I picked it up and took it outside. I am sure he would attempt to eat it next!

Boo's Helmet Part 1

Firstly I have decided to refer to Bubbaboo as Boo on my blog, because Bubbaboo is just a pain in the arse to write every time. So from now on he will be known as Boo, short and sweet.

Today I took Boo to have his cast made up for his helmet. He was so great. The Orthotics Doctor thought he was going to give him a hard time because he was being so cheeky before hand and laughing and giggling with him but instead he sat on my lap wrapped in a towel and let the Dr wrap his head in cling wrap, then pull a stocking thing over his head, he cut out a mouth and eyes. Then he put plaster strips over it to mold. Apart from a couple of times attempting to pull it off or at least have a feel of the plaster he sat there and waited for it to set. It helped that the Dr was so good with him and kept him entertained whilst he did it all. I then had choose a pattern that the helmet would be covered in once it was complete. There were so many to choose from I had no idea, at first I thought I would go for a simple design like denim or blue commando but then I decided that something that may attract him to actually put it on may be the go so I tossed up between Teletubbies or planes trains and automobiles or something like that. I decided on the later. It should be ready in a couple weeks.

I thought I would put some before photos up to show his head and hopefully put some progress ones up as we go.

As you can see it is quite flat on his right side and compensates on his left. His forehead protrudes very slightly on his left side also. From front on you don't really notice it and also his long curly hair covers it quite well for the moment. It is most noticeable with wet hair. He is looking down in this photo so it's a bit of a strange angle.

It's quite flat from this angle.

Also his ears are quite uneven so sunglasses wont sit on his nose which could be an issue in the future.

Wishes

Thanks for all your wonderful comments in my last post. I get moments that I do wish I had done things differently. Different things trigger these moments for eg today I drove past the Putt Putt golf course I drive past it quite often as it is only up the road but today I remembered that Max had been wanting to go for ages, by the time we got around to it he could no longer stand for long periods of time so it was pointless even attempting it. It was one of his wishes we never got to make come true. But I do have to remember all the ones we did manage to make come true and there were many.

This was just one of his wishes.

I suppose we all have something to learn from this and that is to not put things off. If you really want to do something then just do it. Today as another storm was about to roll in, I stood outside and I thought to myself one of these days I am going to take Bubbaboo out and dance in the rain and I will. ( just as long as there is no lightening of course)

Regrets - I have a few

Lying in my bed early this morning feeling the emptiness beside me. This used to be our bed and not just my bed. I was remembering the last time Max lay in our bed by my side, before his recliner and hospital bed arrived in the house. He was so very uncomfortable in the bed and I could no longer get him up and out of it and he certainly didn't have the strength to get up.

Max was asleep so I got out of bed early and went about doing what I needed to do. I got the washing on, folded another basket of clothes, made bottles, tidied the house. It was the usual routine before Bubbaboo woke for the day. Not long after I noticed that Max had woken and just lay in the bed, I went in to check on him. He needed his pee bottle so I gave him a hand and went on to tend to his needs. The day went on as usual with me tending to both of my boys.

Later in the day, Max asked "why didn't you stay in bed this morning? You knew it was the last time I was going to be in our bed, it would have been really nice if you were there when I woke so I could have held you." He was really upset by it but to be honest I hadn't even thought about it. At this stage I was in doing mode, I rarely had time to think. My thoughts were all about getting things done and making sure everyone was comfortable and I was totally torn between them both. He was right, why didn't I? The chores could have waited. I should have laid by his side and waited for him to wake, so we could have laid there and held each other. I hate myself for not. Now the thought just makes me cry. I still hear him asking me why? I didn't know he would pass away so soon, it all just happened so quickly in the end. I do regret it. I should have laid by my husbands side so he could have held me for the last time.

All I want now are his arms around me but it's too late.

Helmet Head

So my tattoo is healing nicely so far, but gosh it was really sore yesterday, the day after. Ouch! I could hardly walk you don't realise how much pressure you put on that area of your leg when you take a step. It was quite red too but I am making sure to look after it correctly because hey this is for life and I want it to keep looking good. It is less painful today though. I do have one problem though, Bubbaboo. Since he is a bum shuffler and decided that the best place to hang out is at my feet, he has to keep touching it. He is fascinated by it. I have spent the last two days doing dances around him as I see his grotty little fingers coming in for a poke. Of course he thinks this is really funny so continues to go for it to see my reaction. A few times he has done it without me noticing, ouch cheeky little bugger.

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I did forget to mention in Bubbaboos update that I was taking him to see another specialist for another opinion re: his plagiocephaly. It took a while to get into see someone.
Well that was today.... The appointment went well and it was suggested because his flat head is so bad, that we are going to try the helmet. We should get an appointment for his head to be measured up then get the helmet within the next couple of weeks. I was concerned that it may be too late as he is over 14 months old now, but the neurosurgeon said it is best to try it than not to do anything at all. And he is right, that is the way I feel also. I just wish it all happened sooner for numerous reasons, firstly because it would most likely have had better results faster and secondly now he has to wear the helmet through Summer. He is such a hot sweaty boy at the best of times, so this is just going to make him stinking hot. Hopefully he will adjust to it quickly. He needs to wear it for 23 hours a day but he can take it off when we go swimming or the beach and when he is in the sun, so that is ok. So my Bubbaboo is going to be a helmet head, it will all be worth it in the long term and if it doesn't work, well I can at least tell him that we tried.

I DID IT!!

Ta Daaah! (It looks a bit muddy because it is still bleeding a bit)

And the most painful thing was having to listen to extra heavy metal being played full blast in the tattoo shop! No ok it did hurt a bit but it wasn't really that bad. It's actually hurting more now than when it was being done.

I think it's obvious what it represents.
What do you think?

Fun, Fun, Fun in the Sun.

And this is what I love about the weather getting warmer but what makes me the happiest is that Bubbaboo loves the beach. He would bum shuffle his way into the surf in a flash if I let him. He is a bit too confident in the water. I am looking forward to many more great days like today with my boy. We had a great day today, so I just had to share our precious moment.