Sunday, April 10, 2011

My Frenchman

In the last 3 years Max and I only had sex probably only a hand full of times. Gasp!
You see at first there was thing called...a diagnosis.
And Cancer really doesn't put you in the mood.
That was followed by depression,
then Chemotherapy,
then more Cancer treatment,
then an IVF pregnancy which you don't want to risk, but did on the odd occasion,
then there was radiotherapy
then there was a cesarean birth
and a newborn, a silent reflux baby,
then there was the affects of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and cancer where, well let just say, things no longer worked. And not for the lack of trying.
And then, and then there was this huge mutherfucker thing called death.
Where the one and only person you have sex with has gone. Forever.
End of story.

And you know what? I didn't really miss it. I don't miss it. What I miss more than anything is Max. My beautiful Max. I miss him cuddling me, we may not have had sex often towards the end but we always cuddled and hugged and kissed and touched. Touch was so important to us. One of the many reasons I loved him so much. I loved that Max would just come and put his arms around me just out the blue for eg. I would be hanging out in my sisters kitchen chatting to her when he would walk in, put his arms around me and give me a kiss on the cheek. I loved that. That is what I miss, his spontaneous cuddles, his spontaneous kisses, his spontaneous I love you's. He was the best kisser, oh my gosh his kisses were just amazing. He was a true Frenchman you know, it is true everything they say. Sigh.

This is one of my favourite paintings. Gustav Klimt- The Kiss

My Boo, my beautiful Boo he is a touchy feely boy too. It makes me so happy. He fondles with my hands and rubs my arm gently up and down. He hugs and cuddles. If he is lying in bed with me has to be able to touch me, feel that I am still there.

Tomorrow will be 11 months since Max passed away. I just can't believe it has been that long already. I would love nothing more than for him to come up behind me right now put his arms around me and kiss the top of my head. I miss him. Lots.

For twas not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart.
Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul.

~~Judy Garland


Anonymous said...

11 months...I can't believe it, either. I wish Max were there to kiss you and cuddle you, too.

Beautiful post, Vee. Holding you in my heart always even though I am so far behind in commenting right now (and will be for the forseeable future...)


stink-bomb said...

thankyou vee. Guv does, what you described Max doing to you, all the time to me and i don't appreciate it, from now on i will.

i can't believe that it's been 11 months, it seems like only yesterday....

big hugs


Kristin said...

Oh Vee, my heart aches for what you lost.

BigP's Heather said...

What a wonderful child, to be so loving. A big of Max left here, to love on you.

Lut C. said...

Linnea doesn't have time to cuddle a lot, so when she does it's a touch of magic. She's too busy playing usually.

It's great that Boo is big on hugs and cuddles. I'm sure at times it makes you feel more keenly how much you miss his Dad.

lparsons15 said...

11 months already, wow! My heart breaks for you and Boo. The way you talk about Max is so wonderful. I am so sorry for the wonderful man and father to your little boy that you have lost.

Princess Jo said...

:( no words.

ecb said...

What a beautiful but heart-wrenching post. I have tears.

jill said...

Heart breaking :( I can't believe it's been 11 months either. So very unfair.

TheKirCorner said...

OH Vee, that is gorgeous but another LOSS for you, as if all the loss you've had wasn't enough. I know that living without the hugs and touches of J would be so hard, harder than living without sex for sure.

I am so I always am when I think of how much you have lost.

luna said...

wow, can't believe it's been 11 months either.

missing those intimate moments is only natural -- and while nothing can replace his touch, I'm so happy boo is there to hug his mama.

Bea said...

I'm so sorry those cuddles - and the man who gave them - are not here today. It doesn't seem like 11 months. And yet I guess it is.

Are you planning any sort of memorial on the anniversary of Max's death? Not that every day isn't an occasion to remember him.


gailcanoe said...

I'm here from the Roundup and I really don't know what to say. Your post touched me. I'm sorry that you are missing your soulmate.

S said...

Here for the first time from Melissa's blog round-up. What a touching post indeed. I am so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Your tears brought tears to my eyes. My DH and I have had a decline in our sexual lives. IVF after IVF, a miscarriage, and now pregnancy. It's hard to feel sexy when you fat and there's a human moving around inside.

I will be sure to appreciate all the hugs, kisses, touches till we get our mojo back.

Perhaps sit down quietly and let Max's love from afar wrap you in spirit.

myinfertilitywoes said...

Wow. I don't know what to say either. I'm at a loss for words. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry Max isn't there anymore. And I'm glad you have a touchy little boy.

(((hugs))) from the Friday Round-up

Marianne said...

Such a beautiful post. You seem like such a strong woman and your son is lucky to have you.

Sara said...

This really moved me. I'm sorry that you can only feel those kisses on your soul now.

Tigger said...

I came over from Mel's round-up, but had been wondering where you went. I read you for a little while and then lost you. *hugs* My heart goes out to you right now. Loss sucks, no matter how long its been. Thank you for this post - it serves as a reminder to cherish my own husband, and the touches and kisses he gives me, even though we aren't having the sex stuff either these days (months...). To remember that it isn't everything, but touch really is.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post! I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your son as you approach this difficult anniversary.

Manda said...

I came from the Round Up... I don't have words for this post, but I wanted you to know that I heard you.