Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Why You Where Here.

Hey Babe,

It's been a year since you left us and went to that better place. I hope you are ok.
It's seems just like yesterday that I held your sunken cheeks in my hands, kissed your cold blue lips and said goodbye. I miss you. Fuck I miss you. I am sorry if I get angry at you at times, angry that you left me and Boo, it's not really you I am angry with it's that shitty cancer you had that took you from us.

It feels like so much has happened since you left, yet nothing really has happened. Except for Boo, our amazing Boo. He has grown into an amazing little boy he is smiley and happy but he is so cheeky I mean really cheeky. He has started throwing tantrums, which really aren't much fun. He is having night terrors at the moment and waking up screaming, it's terrible. Now that he is finally walking, yes he was a late walker just like you were, he has become a real handful. He is really discovering his new world and testing me to see what he can and can not get away with. I am trying my best to be a good Mum. Some days we get through them with ease and other days are really challenging. I wish you were here to be his Daddy and give me hand from time to time. I get tired doing it on  my own.

I took Boo to Phuket, the place where we had so much fun but you already knew that because you were there with us, I know you were. You haven't been around so much lately you must be distracted or perhaps you have and I have been too distracted to notice, I am sorry. I will pay more attention from now on.

I took Boo to visit you on Monday because he is at Daycare today so couldn't make it, he smothered you in kisses, he misses you too. I should bring him to visit you more often, it's just that it's easier to come and see you with out him, but I will make more of an effort. I came and visited you today and had a coffee with you, I imagined you were drinking your long black with me. I also lit a candle for you and left these two little hearts, I know you would think they are tacky, which I agree they are, but I liked what they represented. Boo and I love you. I hung around for quite a while, I enjoyed our chat, I miss them. I cried a lot. I miss you.


Our friend A called me yesterday to tell me she was taking me out to lunch,  it was nice, we chattered and remembered you too.

Yesterday I helped Eden put your artworks up at the Cancer hospital, yeah I finally met her! She is beautiful and totally awesome just like we thought. But hey what about your artwork, doesn't it look amazing? See I told you your stuff is brilliant, you never thought so but look what they are all saying about it.  If your work can bring a smile and let a cancer patient forget they have cancer just for a moment then it's all worth it, don't you think? And how about Alexandra a complete stranger to us and look what she has done. They are amazing beautiful souls and are making sure that you are never forgotten. I know you where there with us yesterday and you just LOVED what we did. I have proof, see.


Why are I here? You often asked me. Well now you know. You mean the world to a lot of people out there, not only me and Boo.
Babe I certainly learned that anything is possible yesterday, you would have to agree. I just wish I could find a cure for fucking cancer!

I have a huge gaping whole in my heart, I miss you so very much.
I love you, morer.
Vxx

43 comments:

little chicken said...

Vee, i dont know you, except through your blog, but i wanted to let you know that my prayers are for you and with you today. I made you something, (its not that great), to show you that you mean so much to people you dont even know... but i didnt know how to get it to you, except through here... so, please see my link here... http://www.cheepcheepboom.com/2011/05/sometimes-it-hurts-but-never-forget.html

stink-bomb said...

beautiful post Vee. so sad, so much emotion but that is what makes it so very beautiful.

abiding with you as you remember today and every day before and after...

~x~

Brydes said...

What a beautiful letter to your husband. He was a lucky man to have someone who loved him as much as you do. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with all of us in blog land :)

Sending you lots of prayers

'Murgdan' said...

*tears*, so beautiful and what an amazing thing your friends did for you and your family. I am so glad this day was so productive for you--and the artwork is great!

Anonymous said...

Gosh your photo of the birds and Eden's story behind it makes me feel like I shared the moment. Very touching post Vee, tears over here too.
Lots of love, Leez xx

edenland said...

Sisterman. I am completely delirious. What a thing. I have sent you my thoughts and love all day long.

Something tells me that one day, when the time is right, you can look into getting Maxs book up and running. XOXOXOX

Meredith said...

Thinking of you, Alex, and Boo today. Sending you love. Alex's art is so amazing.

kmina said...

I'm abiding with you, Vee.

Kir said...

oh Vee, FUCK. I don't have any words today, this week.
I find myself thinking of you....and then I start crying and wanting to hug you. Just sit with you and sob...

I am abiding with you....but I am so fucking angry I have to.
xo

Michele said...

abiding with you...

Delenn said...

A wonderful post Vee. I wish you did not need to write it...I wish instead that you were writing a "boring" post about life as a trio. But it is so wonderful to see how loved he is and it is a testament to you and to him. Earlier this morning I was hmmming that Bob Marley song...and thinking of you guys.

Extra special [[Hugs]] today.

A.M.S said...

We abide with you and we speak Alex's name.

Holding you in our hearts.

gailcanoe said...

Thinking of you today.

*magnolia* said...

I'm abiding with you, Vee.

luna said...

remembering you, boo and alex, vee. blown away by the amazing thing you and eden did, and alexandra's cards, oh my. what a wonderful way to remember alex, to speak his name, to share his art. amazing.

anniversaries are so fucking hard. abiding with you from across the pacific. xo

manymanymoons said...

I found your blog today through Mel. I started at the beginning and read your entire journey one post at at time. Although I know the term "entire journey" is so misleading as the blog only represents snapshots of your life. Your writing is poetic and inspirational. Because there are no words to say really, I will take Mel's advice and just tell you that I’m abiding with you.

lparsons15 said...

Very nice post..my thoughts are with you.

cowgirltn said...

Vee you will be in my thoughts today as your remember your beloved Alex.

alicia said...

hugs. great pics and great post.

JJ said...

Sending you so many peaceful thoughts today.

Kristin said...

Abiding with you dear Vee. I wish I had gotten a chance to know Alex. From the love for him I see everywhere, I know he was an amazing man. {{{Hugs}}}

ApronStringsEm said...

Stopping over from Mel's. Just letting you know that I'm abiding with you ... ((hugs)) and ((more hugs))

HereWeGoAJen said...

I am thinking of all of you today.

Marianne said...

Here from Mel's to wish you the best. This must be such a hard anniversary.

ClizBiz said...

Vee,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Since it is now the middle of the night over in Oz, the dreaded date has passed. It sounds like you have great friends and family to lean on, so that's wonderful. (Loved that letter from the nuns, btw.)

Also, I'm the Section Editor for BlogHer.com's Life section. Your post last week was very beautiful so we are featuring it on our site today. Here is the link:

http://www.blogher.com/topic/life

Keeping you and Boo in our prayers, waaaaaaaay over here in America.

Illanare said...

Abiding with you.

Keiko said...

Here via Mel. I can't believe it's been a year - I remember reading the news over there as well. Thinking of you, abiding with you, and holding you in my heart today.

Lut C. said...

I'm thinking of you.

Rebecca said...

As Mel said, I am abiding with you. Peace and love.

Susan said...

Sending big hugs Vee, wish I could be there to deliver them in person.
Alexandra and Eden sound like amazing people, and a truly wonderful ways to remember Alex.
I foudn this quote a while back and often read it when feeling a little fragile....hope it helps

Promise me you'll always remember:
You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think."
A.A.Milne

jenicini said...

Hugs.

justine said...

What an amazing post, and an amazing legacy. I'm abiding with you.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I read this with a very scratchy ache in my throat. Holding you and Boo in my heart today.

findinganewnormal said...

Bittersweet post - today I cry with you, and wish there was less pain in this world. Hugs.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

Hi Vee, I don't know you but my thoughts are with you. I came via Eden.I couldn't read and not post.
I am sorry for the loss of your beloved Alex.

Such a beautiful letter I wish you had never had to write.I cannot imagine it.

Alex's artwork is amazing. I will certainly go see it. I am not that far away. His life and talent will touch many people.

12 months ago my husband was diagnosed with a rare malignant tumour around his right temple, he had surgery and 6 wks radiation therapy. They decided no chemo. His last PET scan was clear and we live in hope.

Suz @ Segovia and The I Love You Song said...

Hello Vee, I'm here from Eden. So much love to you. I'll be here reading xx

Anonymous said...

What a beautifully written post Vee. So touching and pure and just beautiful.
Wow!!! What AMAZING and lovely souls Eden and Alexandra are!!! True Angels! Loved the cards!! I want one! Alex's artwork is truly magnificent and its so heartwarming to know that he will touch the lives of so many people that look at his artwork at such a difficult time in their lives.
Thinking of you and sending my love and prayers.

L

Richard said...

xx

http://the-end-of-my-line.blogspot.com/2011/05/in-loving-memory.html

Richard

Pundelina said...

Oh Vee dear, what a sad path yours is, such love you two had, cut so short. I'm thinking of you and A and Boo and sending love your way.

X

Calliope said...

I'm here on a a quiet Saturday. And I'm thinking of you and the shape this year has taken for you and beautiful Boo. I honestly can not think of you without seeing you enveloped in rings love like some kind of amazing planet with this intense gravitational pull. The pain you have been through is unspeakable - and I am so sorry. But the radiance you have - the way you allow Max to shine on - honey, it awes me. I am thankful to know you. xo

Melissa said...

I feel a little bit like a fraud, I'm new to you and your story; I discovered you on Eden's blog (another I'm new to). But this post, it's so beautiful that I couldn't NOT comment.

For what it's worth - I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your son's loss. I'm sorry for what Max is missing out on. I want to go back and start from the beginning.

Bea said...

This is the perfect post, Vee. And the coffee was a perfect idea. I'm not sure how Max could have missed how cool his art was. I remember being very surprised that he didn't pursue it professionally, I just assumed someone that good would be doing it full time, I guess. I'm so glad it's reaching a wider audience these days.

Bea

Carolyn said...

Beautiful message... Crying now but I send hope, love and wishes of peace for you and your family. That's all I can say... {Hugs}