It's a year next week since Max died, a whole fucking year! Some days I really can't believe he has gone. I look at his photo attached to my computer screen and I shake my head in disbelief. Like I expect him to walk in from work, or shuffle his way into the computer room and sit at his computer beside me, playing around with his photos and asking me how to do something in Photoshop. But he is not, he just is fucking not. Ever.
The last few days I have been thinking about what I want to do to commemorate the day, actually it's been longer than that but seriously thinking about it but I have no idea. I know something really significant is going to happen something some other awesome person is doing which I can't mention yet. Part of me wants to do something but part of me wants to stay at home on my own ( Boo will be at Daycare) and just cry.
Boo was really challenging yesterday, he gave me a really hard time. Tantrums, grabbing, throwing, he was just horrible. I was glad when the day was over. Today is his Childcare Day and boy am I glad to have the day off. I dropped him at daycare we said our goodbyes, he blew me a kiss and off I went. I had a house to look at but had a half hour to kill before the inspection time so I decided to have a quick coffee at my sisters who was on the way. On the drive I burst into tears, just like that out of nowhere, I was remembering what was happening a year ago today. How life was such a struggle, not knowing that Max only had a week to live. How much pain he was in, the suffering. Missing Max terribly. I was stopped at traffic lights and wiped away my tears and turned to see if anyone was watching, I couldn't believe what I saw. The car beside me was hearse, a fucking hearse with a coffin it! I blabbered and blabbered. I got to my sisters house all redeyed, she asked me what was wrong. "Nothing! Everything! I don't want to talk about it. I am fine. Can I have a coffee?" I didn't want to bring it all up again, just the thoughts where enough, so talking about it, well I would have exploded. Just writing this is a struggle, I am blabbering. I had my coffee we chattered about the house I was about to inspect and was on my way. The house was a dud, there are so many duds out there.
Then I went and did a bit of shopping to buy my Mum her Mothers Day gift and decided to treat myself to a sushi train lunch sans Boo, what a treat. Sitting there at the train and in came the Mums of the twins that are with Boo at day care they are a same sex couple. We had lunch together. Apart from hello as we pass each other from our drop offs and pick ups we hadn't really chattered before today. What a lovely couple they are, it was actually a nice distraction from everything that was going through my head all day. They even offered to look after Boo whenever I needed some time out because their kids adore him. That cemented to me that next Wednesday I should probably not be alone, well not all day anyway.
Then when I got home I received this letter in the mail. It made so much sense to me and so very true, it's very obvious they have lots of experience with grieving. The timing was impeccable. Please click on it for a larger view and read it.
Did you read it? Did you know that? I didn't. It really answers lots of things for me this week.
Today I started spotting, my periods are like clockwork, I don't spot inbetween cycles and I couldn't work out why, now I know why. Grief! Also last week I did my back in really badly lifting Boo into the bath tub, I am only just recovering. The answer grief! All these overflowing emotions. Grief.
I know I will get through this. I don't intend to be a victim of the day and I will take action, just some days are so fucking hard.
Please if you are grieving or know of someone that is grieving, let them read this letter. It really lifted a lot of weight for me so I hope it would do the same for you or for them.