Lying in my bed early this morning feeling the emptiness beside me. This used to be our bed and not just my bed. I was remembering the last time Max lay in our bed by my side, before his recliner and hospital bed arrived in the house. He was so very uncomfortable in the bed and I could no longer get him up and out of it and he certainly didn't have the strength to get up.
Max was asleep so I got out of bed early and went about doing what I needed to do. I got the washing on, folded another basket of clothes, made bottles, tidied the house. It was the usual routine before Bubbaboo woke for the day. Not long after I noticed that Max had woken and just lay in the bed, I went in to check on him. He needed his pee bottle so I gave him a hand and went on to tend to his needs. The day went on as usual with me tending to both of my boys.
Later in the day, Max asked "why didn't you stay in bed this morning? You knew it was the last time I was going to be in our bed, it would have been really nice if you were there when I woke so I could have held you." He was really upset by it but to be honest I hadn't even thought about it. At this stage I was in doing mode, I rarely had time to think. My thoughts were all about getting things done and making sure everyone was comfortable and I was totally torn between them both. He was right, why didn't I? The chores could have waited. I should have laid by his side and waited for him to wake, so we could have laid there and held each other. I hate myself for not. Now the thought just makes me cry. I still hear him asking me why? I didn't know he would pass away so soon, it all just happened so quickly in the end. I do regret it. I should have laid by my husbands side so he could have held me for the last time.
All I want now are his arms around me but it's too late.