Friday, November 5, 2010

Regrets - I have a few

Lying in my bed early this morning feeling the emptiness beside me. This used to be our bed and not just my bed. I was remembering the last time Max lay in our bed by my side, before his recliner and hospital bed arrived in the house. He was so very uncomfortable in the bed and I could no longer get him up and out of it and he certainly didn't have the strength to get up.

Max was asleep so I got out of bed early and went about doing what I needed to do. I got the washing on, folded another basket of clothes, made bottles, tidied the house. It was the usual routine before Bubbaboo woke for the day. Not long after I noticed that Max had woken and just lay in the bed, I went in to check on him. He needed his pee bottle so I gave him a hand and went on to tend to his needs. The day went on as usual with me tending to both of my boys.

Later in the day, Max asked "why didn't you stay in bed this morning? You knew it was the last time I was going to be in our bed, it would have been really nice if you were there when I woke so I could have held you." He was really upset by it but to be honest I hadn't even thought about it. At this stage I was in doing mode, I rarely had time to think. My thoughts were all about getting things done and making sure everyone was comfortable and I was totally torn between them both. He was right, why didn't I? The chores could have waited. I should have laid by his side and waited for him to wake, so we could have laid there and held each other. I hate myself for not. Now the thought just makes me cry. I still hear him asking me why? I didn't know he would pass away so soon, it all just happened so quickly in the end. I do regret it. I should have laid by my husbands side so he could have held me for the last time.

All I want now are his arms around me but it's too late.

14 comments:

maytey said...

Oh Vee. You were doing what you thought was best for everyone, not what you would have liked to do. This is love. Don't let those words linger on, I know he would take them back if he was here reading this post. You know that people can say hurtful, out-of-character things when they're in pain. You didn't know what was coming, and you couldn't live every day thinking "this could be the last time (insert whatever is relevant at the time here)..." Sometimes routines are what keep us going, and help us to cope with distressing or unusual times. He knew how much you loved him, and you have a lot of lovely hugs to remember. Nothing's perfect. Lots of love xxxxxx

Miss Ruby said...

You know we all have regrets once a loved one has passed over, what we could have done, not done or just done differently.

I've learned the hard way that the past is just that the past. We can't change it and we also can't let it rule our future. I could think of a hundred things I wished I'd done differently in the week, days, hours before Dad died but I don't let them beat me up, I used to but I didn't know he was going to pass when he did, how quickly and I did all that I could.

When you're watching a person you love die, part of you goes into auto mode, you do what you need to do to survive, to get through it, to keep EVERYONE - not just yourself, functioning.

Max knew how much you loved him - never doubt that Vee.

xx

serenitynowinfertile said...

Hugs, sweetie. Max knew then - and knows now - how much you love him.

xoxo

Delenn said...

One of my few regrets in life is that I could have stayed for lunch with my Grammie the day before she died. But I was feeling pushed and pulled too by real life needs--and I chose those needs instead of spending a bit more time with her. I said good-bye to her and said I would see her the next day (she was dying of the fucking C). As I was in the shower the next morning, before I got to the nursing home, she died.

I think we all have these type of regrets -- there just seems to be so little time and so much of it is hard. To deal with the every day stuff is a comfort but can take us away too.

You did right by him. You really did.

edenland said...

Oh my God, what a beautiful heartfelt post. Sweet sweet Vee ..... I'm sure you were in survival mode, barely able to even think properly, lovely lady. Max would have had more time than you to think about things like that honey, while you were too busy holding your family together. You were making sure EVERYBODY'S needs were met (except your own, of course).

I think you are amazing. I think you are magnificent. Hindsight is a perfect science ... but being there, in the moment when your head would have been ticking away with all of the things you needed to do .... man. Hard, heavy shit, lovely lady.

Fuckin love you. Hey is it raining there today? It's FREEZING up here. Sending you down a rainbow ..... or ten. Or twenty-seven, Christs sake.

XOXOXOOXXO

Bea said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you have these regrets, Vee. At the same time, I'm sure you would find something to regret, no matter what. You'd always be asking if you should have done that one extra thing, that one extra thing. There's always too little time.

I think you did well, you did have a lot to get done and someone had to keep ploughing on, keep all the plates spinning. Only in hindsight, with the chores behind you, does it seem "obvious". And I think Max probably understood - he was quite understanding. But I'm sorry you have these regrets today.

Bea

luna said...

oh vee, this makes my heart ache for you. it's true though, what the others said. you were doing what needed to be done, taking care of your family, of bubbaboo, tending to your home. you did everything you could. there is always something else that could have been, but was not. who knew what was to come so quickly.

there is no room in life for regret, I think. but I understand the sadness and longing for that one last time.

DaisyGal said...

there is no shame in you getting up, doing what you were doing, trying to keep your house, family and heart turning, doing, going.
I know that you look back now and have the regret and that makes my heart hurt, because you should not have to feel that emotion. Only love...only sad, only grief for now, but not regret...not when you loved Max up to his last breath with all your body and soul.

never regret...my sweet friend.

but I do know that wishing for that one last snuggle, that last time alone..sure, I can see how you wish for that again...but not regret not doing it.

HUGS and love to you.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I cried reading this. I don't think you can know these things except in retrospect. Which is heartbreaking, but you can only know what you know at the time.

Kimberly said...

Oh honey. I'm sorry.

You couldn't have done better, and you would have regrets no matter what. Everything looks different now, with the sadness of Max being gone and the time to look back and analyze things - but you had to go through day to day life too. You had an awful, awful lot to balance.

Lut C. said...

I don't know what to say, I feel for you.

cas said...

I dont know what to say, but at the time you were doing what was right at the time. Caring for everyone as best you could, you couldnt have done more.. Hugs.

Kathy said...

I literally just stumbled upon this post via Mel's list of favorites on her Stumble Upon page. I know you wrote it a while back, but I just wanted you to know how much it moved me and that was here today, reading and honoring Max's memory with you. I echo so many other's sentiments about regrets... I have them too, but try to tell myself that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. I believe that my loved ones who left this world much too soon know that I good intentions and how much I cared about them. Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt post.

Kathy said...

For some reason my last comment didn't link to my blog. So I thought I would try to leave another one, in case you ever wanted to find me. :)