Monday, May 31, 2010

To Write It.

I still have a particular post to write, the one of Max's last few day. I can't move on til I write it down. The problem is I just can't write it down. But I don't want time to pass without writing it down. So until I can gather those thoughts and put them down it may be a bit quiet around here. It may be very soon or it may not. Thanks for your patience.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I miss you.

I have been staying at my sisters ever since you passed away. It was good for a while, having lots of family and friends around. I needed that but it was time to come home but before doing so I had to get our bed back, take the single bed back to mum and dads and take back all of your aids. I rearranged the furniture, I hope you don't mind. I know how much you disliked change but I think it has helped me. I think you would like the way it looks, it also allows for more room for Bubaboo to play in. He takes up a lot space for a little boy. Although he isn't so little any more, he has put on a kilo in the last 3 weeks. He is trying lots of new foods you would be so proud of him, gobbling up his food and demanding more. I promise I will make him try everything at least once, that is what you wanted. I wish you could be here to cook for him. He loves sitting in his highchair in the kitchen watching me cook. I explain everything I am doing and tell him all about the ingredients. He listens and laughs at me. He loves watching the steam rise over the cooker, he thinks it's really amusing. I want him to love the kitchen like you did.

Oh I ended up getting the Shingles, yeah I discovered a rash the evening of your funeral all over my tummy and it was itchy as hell! Apparently it is all stress related. Lucky it was a fairly mild case and I managed to get onto some meds early. I was so achy all over all the time the last few weeks I couldn't tell if it was from the Shingles or just pains from lifting you and Bubaboo. I am ok now and the rash is starting to clear.

Bubaboo keeps me busy during the day but once he goes down of a night my evenings are lonely. The house is so quiet. I don't think I have even turned the TV on since you left, which is quite strange because TV was your only escape towards the end and it was on all day til early hours of the morning. Winter is at our doorstep and it's getting so cold already. I miss your warm hugs. I miss you giving me cuddles in bed and telling me the penguins are coming. You always got a giggle out me. I tell Bubaboo the penguins are coming when it gets cold, he giggles too.

You are still everywhere in the house, all your bits, even all your mess. It's like you are still here. I light a candle for you every day and kiss your lips every night.

I know you would have been disappointed that we didn't get to organise our backyard fundraiser for Rainbows for Kate the Sunday before you passed and we had to cancel. You were looking forward to it and you wanted to make some difference and help others like you. Well I decided that in your memory and to celebrate your wonderful life, I am going ahead with it to mark your mensiversary. You would be truly amazed at all the wonderful people that are helping out and donating prizes and food etc and how smoothly it's coming together. People have such huge hearts it's just beautiful. It has been keeping me busy and has been a really good distraction and I couldn't think of a better way to be distracted. We are still going to have a sausage sizzle, getting a jumping castle and our nephew will be playing with his band. I asked him to play some of his older stuff because I know you preferred it to his new heavier rock. We have loads of prizes for the raffles and silent auctions. I going to auction two of your framed artworks, the two that you chose. It's going to be a fun day. I think there is going to be quite a few people I hope we don't run out of sausages!

I can't believe it has been two weeks already since you went to a better place, I don't think it has really sunk in yet....but I do know that I miss you so much mon amore.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Two Weeks

On May the 4th when our GP came to check on Max I walked her out the front door like we usually did so we could have a private chat out of Max's ear reach. She told me she thought that Max had only a couple of weeks to live. I never wrote about it on my blog for fear of Max reading it. I didn't have to worry about it because he never managed to get on the computer again after that. I started sobbing when she told me and I told her that he would prove her wrong like he had done in the past. 2 Weeks? Who was she kidding ? There was no way he would only be here for two more weeks. I didn't believe her I didn't want to believe her. We had finally got the house sorted out for him everything was in place his hospital bed, his recliner, furniture was raised, enough space for wheelchair access etc. He wasn't going to go so soon! The very next day Max asked me "How will I know when it's time ?" How could I answer that for him ? I couldn't. I told him I didn't know. I didn't, I don't.

Max had become quite breathless and was struggling getting his sentences out. He had also become quite agitated, he was angry. In the last couple of months he had changed, he was no longer the Max I knew. He was frustrated with everything. He was in pain, he had bedsores and he was extremely uncomfortable. After he broke his shoulder most of my time was spent repositioning cushions and trying to sit him up or down or to the side but he was never comfortable and very frustrated that he couldn't even jiggle himself in the bed, firstly because he had a busted shoulder and secondly because he had become so incredibly weak.

I feel guilty now because those last few weeks I didn't really spend quality time with him and I do regret it. I spent so much time with him but no real time with him and when I finally did get a minutes peace between him and Bubaboo I didn't really feel like spending time with him, so I avoided him. I was scared that if I sat with him we would have to do the whole rejigging getting comfortable thing again and hear him complain over and over again that he wasn't comfortable or in pain. It was really tiring. I tried my best to make him comfortable I really did, I did everything I possibly body is still paying for it now. I wish he was here complaining to me now. I would sit by his side and listen. I am sorry babe.

Max passed away on the 11th of May he didn't make the 2 weeks.

I have so many thoughts in my head and just realised this wasn't the post I sat down to write but here it is....maybe next time.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

His Scarf.

I wore Max's scarf all day today. He loved wearing his scarf in winter. Even as the day warmed up I couldn't take it off. I could smell his aftershave, I could smell him. He was so close yet so far. I miss him so much.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

One Week

It has been one week since you left my side, I miss you terribly.

Last night I thought I would play a game of Scrabble on Facebook hoping it would be a good distraction.....only to find 3 games we had not completed. It said it was your turn. I cried and cried, you will never have your turn. I could hear you calling out across the house telling me it was my turn at Scrabble and would get annoyed if I had had my computer time and forgotten to play. You found great joy in it towards the end. Shuffling into the home office to sit at your computer once a day because that is all you could manage it was such a huge effort for you, to read your emails and have your Scrabble turn. The evening the ambulance took you to the hospital was the evening we finally had set up a laptop for you to play from your bed.
You never had your turn. Maybe you have found some other friends to play with in your peaceful new home. Your turn will be waiting till we meet again.

Miss you so much bubs. xx

Monday, May 17, 2010

Three Little Birds

Why the Three Little Birds ?
Max was a huge Bob Marley fan. He chose the music for his service and one of the songs he chose for his memorial DVD played on the day was Bob Marley's Three Little Birds because he wanted to tell Bababoo and I and everyone that knew him "Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little things gonna be all right"

Max, Bababoo and I are the Three Little Birds.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

His Last Breath.

I can't erase those last few days out of my head, I want to remember the good times but can't get beyond them.

Holding his hand, lying by his side watching him struggling for every breath wondering if it was going to be his last. I broke down and told my brother who had kept me company through the night that I couldn't watch him take his last breath. I made sure he was never left alone in case he was afraid. He could no longer talk and hadn't had anything to eat or drink for two days, he was sedated. The nurses came in to tell us they were going to reposition him and give him a wash. So my brother and I both stepped outside his room into the courtyard to have a bite to eat and told each other how much Max would have loved the Lebanese food we were eating....when the nurses had finished up they stuck their head out and told us we could go in when we were ready so we cleared the table and went back in and in that moment he was left alone.....he took his last breath, he wanted to be alone. He heard me and he did it for me. I thank him for that.

I still can't believe he has gone, I know he will always be by my side....but I want to touch him.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

A Journey Through Life

This poem was read at Max's service by my nephews and nieces.

"Sometimes, on our journey through life we meet people, who leave footprints on our minds. They challenge us to see things differently and to question our personal reality.

Sometimes on our journey through life we meet people, who leave footprints on our hearts. They create a safe place for us to open our hearts to feel loved and special.

Then sometimes, on our journey through life we meet people who leave footprints on our souls. They share themselves with us so profoundly that they touch the very essence of who we are in that secret quiet place.

Max has left gentle footprints on the minds, hearts and souls of all who knew and loved him. We always remember the beauty of his love, his kindness and the special way he touched our lives."

Author Unknown

Friday, May 14, 2010

Thank You And Goodbye

These are my words to Max read by a good friend on my behalf at his funeral today.

"Thank you for choosing me to be your life partner.
Thank you for being so caring.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful smile.
Thank you for making me laugh with your silly sense of humour.
Thank you for being so sensitive and gentle to me and to others.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for embracing my family and allowing them to love you.
Thank you for teaching me to love myself.
Thank you for fighting for what you believed in.
Thank you for being so stubborn and determined.
Thank you for your creativity and sharing it with the world.
Thank you for teaching me to see the beauty in the little things.
Thank you for sharing your courage and strength, I have found an inner strength I never knew existed because of you.
Thank you for sharing your love of the beach, animals and the nature around us.
Thank you for sharing your love of music and photography.
Thank you for allowing us to persevere and bring our beautiful son Bababoo into the world.
Thank you for being such a wonderful Daddy and giving your son so much love and joy.
Thank you for loving your food and sharing your joy with many.
Thank you for teaching others from your life experiences.
Thank you for opening your heart and loving me so much.
Thank you for your never ending supply of kisses and cuddles.
Thank you for telling me you love me each and every day and more.
Thank you for being such a huge part of my life.

You are finally comfortable and pain free. You promised you would watch over us and when we get there you will show us all the new beauty you have discovered.
I will always keep that in my heart.

Babe, the world is a better place for having you here.

You will never, ever be forgotten.

I love you lots… morer."

And a big thank you to you, all my blogging friends for your love and support during this difficult time

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Rest in Peace

I don't have many words just lots of tears.

My beautiful Max passed away yesterday. He is now finally comfortable and painfree. He put up such a fight right till his last breath, my courageous man.

I love you forever Bubs. I know you will be watching over Doudou and I and waiting to show us the new wonderful place you are at.
Rest in Peace.