Saturday, May 22, 2010

Two Weeks

On May the 4th when our GP came to check on Max I walked her out the front door like we usually did so we could have a private chat out of Max's ear reach. She told me she thought that Max had only a couple of weeks to live. I never wrote about it on my blog for fear of Max reading it. I didn't have to worry about it because he never managed to get on the computer again after that. I started sobbing when she told me and I told her that he would prove her wrong like he had done in the past. 2 Weeks? Who was she kidding ? There was no way he would only be here for two more weeks. I didn't believe her I didn't want to believe her. We had finally got the house sorted out for him everything was in place his hospital bed, his recliner, furniture was raised, enough space for wheelchair access etc. He wasn't going to go so soon! The very next day Max asked me "How will I know when it's time ?" How could I answer that for him ? I couldn't. I told him I didn't know. I didn't, I don't.

Max had become quite breathless and was struggling getting his sentences out. He had also become quite agitated, he was angry. In the last couple of months he had changed, he was no longer the Max I knew. He was frustrated with everything. He was in pain, he had bedsores and he was extremely uncomfortable. After he broke his shoulder most of my time was spent repositioning cushions and trying to sit him up or down or to the side but he was never comfortable and very frustrated that he couldn't even jiggle himself in the bed, firstly because he had a busted shoulder and secondly because he had become so incredibly weak.

I feel guilty now because those last few weeks I didn't really spend quality time with him and I do regret it. I spent so much time with him but no real time with him and when I finally did get a minutes peace between him and Bubaboo I didn't really feel like spending time with him, so I avoided him. I was scared that if I sat with him we would have to do the whole rejigging getting comfortable thing again and hear him complain over and over again that he wasn't comfortable or in pain. It was really tiring. I tried my best to make him comfortable I really did, I did everything I possibly could...my body is still paying for it now. I wish he was here complaining to me now. I would sit by his side and listen. I am sorry babe.

Max passed away on the 11th of May he didn't make the 2 weeks.


I have so many thoughts in my head and just realised this wasn't the post I sat down to write but here it is....maybe next time.

12 comments:

Delenn said...

Sometimes I wonder if the human instinct in us takes over when another is dying. Almost by instinct you draw away from the person, even when you really want to spend the time with them. The thing is, you were there for him and he knew it. He may not have been able to say it at the time and you may not have felt it--but it was all those times before that surrounded you and him.

Abiding with you.

luna said...

oh vee, my heart aches with you. caretaking any loved one in such pain is such a hard task and takes a toll. max knows how deeply you loved him. there is no need to be sorry. xo

Bea said...

I'm sure it would never have been enough. Things undone/unsaid/moments lost - these are such common regrets, because when someone's gone it's rarely enough, the time you spent with them.

From here, I think you did a lot. I'm sure Max knows that, even though in his pain and frustration maybe he wasn't able to show it as usual.

Bea

Nearlydawn said...

The very fact that he was able to remain at home, with you and bubaboo was the most amazing gift you could have given him. Really. So many people do not have someone that can or will do that level of care when they are terminally ill.

I know you will always have regrets, but try not to be too down on yourself. No matter WHAT you had been able to do for him you would have just about the SAME regrets. I hear my hubby say very similar things about the last month he spent with is father. Like Bea said, you can never do enough to avoid the regrets. You did so much for BOTH of your boys by making it possible for them to spend so much extra time together. You should be proud...

Hugs.

Pundelina said...

Oh Vee, sweetheart, Max knew how much you loved him and how much you cared. It's so natural to feel like there was more, that you could have been/done/helped/talked more, but in truth you did the absolute best you could. I believe that wholeheartedly. How much you must miss him, it's just the most awful loss, the loss of a loved one and I'm so incredibly sorry that this is your path.

((hugs))

serenity said...

Oh Vee. He knows how much you love him. He wasn't alone. He was home with you and Bubaboo.

Thinking of you as always.

xoxo

Jane said...

I can only echo the comments above. I was always struck by the love and the integrity of your love and care for your boys. There was never going to be a 'right time' but please hold onto how much you did in your care and cherishing of Max x

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sometimes you just need to write it out, and hopefully, after placing it on the screen, you can release it from your heart.

Kimberly said...

Oh vee. You just write what you feel, and it will all come out as it needs to.

I believe that Max knew, knows, how much you loved him. You did your best, and I don't doubt that your best was wonderful, even though I know that in a bad situation it is hard to think that there can ever be a "best".

Thinking of you all, hugs from across the ocean.

theluckylife said...

Trying to post a comment for the third time! I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. So sorry for everything you have had to go through. The headline of your blog caught my eye, when my Dad died, my mantra was "everything is going to be OK". And I even bought my mom a that sentence curved into a wire, and stuck it on her wall. It still gives us comfort now, looking at that sentence. My thoughts are with you, angels wings around you. Came over from Creme de la Creme.

jeanna said...

came over from the creme. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine all you have been through. Just wanted to say that I am so sorry, you know that there are no good words, just sincere thoughts from another who cares.

Sara said...

Here from the creme. I'm sorry that you didn't get your whole lifetime together, or even an extra year, month, week, or day. It's not fair at all.

(here from creme)