Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Mr Sparkles and the Love Notes

 Thank you, I love you all. I know I always have you here on my blog, but I suppose I want to speak to people in real life people who knew Max, people I can reminisce with. I had a better day today, yesterday was not a good day and that is the way it is, up and down, up and down. I am keeping my days busy trying to get out every day with Bugaboo he loves being out and about. Today we went to the local shopping centre where they had a petting zoo. He was really confused and unsure of all the animals, he did laugh at the duck that quacked in his face. He frowned at the lamb, llama and calf though.

So let me tell you a bit about Max. Max was romantic, not in the true sense of the word. He never bought me flowers, actually he did once for Valentines day but he preferred flowers to be admired in the garden and not in a vase where they slowly die, that's what he told me and I was ok with that. Instead he did things like leave love notes with cute little drawings around the house which I would find when least expected or write an email or send me a text just to tell me he loves me. Or he would decide to cook a nice dinner and do the washing up too. He told me he loved me more than once a day, he was always ready with a kiss and hug when I walked in the door after work. He couldn't walk passed me without kissing me or touching me, even if he just brushed his hand across my back as he walked passed. I miss his touch enormously.

When we first met online, yes for those that don't know we were an internet couple. I was chatting to him on MSN and told him I had a puppy dog sitting on my desk that I had just been given for Christmas. His name was Max ( that is where Max's alias for my blog came from) It wasn't til when we met in real life that he discovered Max was a stuffed toy and not a real dog. He was dissapointed but when he met Max he thought he was pretty cute. And through out our relationship we collected them. It wasn't intentional it's just when ever we saw one in the collection either one of us would fall in love with it and take it home. It started off with one, then two and before we knew it our little family grew. Each one came with their own name attached, so we didn't have to name them and they were always referred to by their name. They were mainly dogs but when Max was in hospital the time when he kept passing out during his chemo, I bought him a little cat called Mizty, she was tough because she hung out with all the dogs. There was also a frog called Fribert. When I collected some belongings to put into Max's coffin, some special items, Mistzy went with him. They all sat on his bedside table and before we went to bed at night one of them would always come out to play and he would make up a story of their days adventure. Max was good at making up silly stories. I often imagined him telling his stories to our future child. It makes me really sad that Bugaboo wont remember any of the stories he did get to tell him. Every time we would go on a holiday one of them had to come with us. Now that I am writing this down, I remember telling Max one day that I was going to write about our little family on my blog. He said people wont get it and think we are really strange...grown ups and their stuffed toys ? but I don't care if you think that. It was a little bit of silly fun we had together.

There were other little special friends also, some of you may remember Gromit and how Max had to take him home from the department store because he was all alone and he would bring us luck after I told him we needed to have a baby first then we could buy the toys. Even till the week before he died he believed Gromit was our good luck charm and that is why we have Bugaboo.

Another special friend of Max's was his wheat heat bag Beddy Buddy Bunny he called Mr Sparkles he looked like this one but he was cream in colour, I have no idea where he came up with that name. But Mr Sparkles was his best buddy whilst he was doing chemo. He would be constantly heating him up, until the one day he overcooked him and he just stunk and I couldn't bare the smell any longer. I went in search of another to replace him but I didn't have any luck. My mother ended up making him numerous of heat bags for him. During his last few months the microwave was constantly going and he would always have his heat bag on his pain spots. He said he didn't really think the heat helped but it was a good distraction and made him feel better even if it was all in his head. Max took Mr Sparkles with him too. I kind of now wish that Mr Sparkles stayed with me, he got so many cuddles from Max, I would love nothing more to lay in bed cuddling Mr Sparkles even if he did stink of burnt wheat.

A couple of weeks ago, I bought Bugaboo and Beddy Buddy but it's a lion. I am going to make sure I tell him all about his Daddy's special friends and how they made us laugh and even helped make his Daddy feel better.

These are just some of the notes he left me, that I still have hanging around me and that I will keep forever.

Here is the little Family, minus Fribbit the frog who is somewhere around the house but I can't find him at the moment and also Mitzy who is keeping Max company.
Max the dog is the left hand top one, under him is Dollop, then Buddy and Snaps and Fritz above him. They are about the size of a small hand in case you are wondering.

So do you think we are strange ?


Bea said...

No! That's very sweet. Certainly you are not the only adults with stuffed toys.

I don't know what you mean by "not romantic in the true sense". It all sounds truly romantic to me.

But maybe I understand what you mean when you say you want to talk to people who knew Max face to face. I guess there's a common history to explore, and also perhaps it would be comforting to know you're not alone in your grief or in your remembrance of him.


Miss Ruby said...

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! Thankyou for sharing a little bit of who Max was. When I hear more about him, it's very easy to see how he captured your heart and you his.

No I don't think you're strange. As the saying goes, all the good couples have a great "how we met story", they also usually have something that ties them together, something silly they shared.

Once again, thankyou for sharing Vee, it means so much that you're willing to do so.

I hope Bugaboo is doing well.

p.s. LOVE the notes btw, they are something you will be able to hold onto forever.


snowhite said...


I had 'lost' access to your old blog and so I was out of touch for quite a few months.

Tonight I read most of your current blog and cried and cried reading it.

I did not know you and Max in real life but have followed your story since the days of IUI support group on EB. Thank you for sharing more of yourself and Max.

The notes you posted are so special. It is something to cherish - forever.

Hope your Bugaboo is the ray of sunshine that can help break the gray clouds of grief.

All my love.

serenity said...

I love this! And no, you're not weird - I love that you're sharing him with us. And I agree with Bea - this all sounds romantic to me, too.

I especially love the handwritten notes.


DaisyGal said...

nope, not at all. I think it's sweet and wonderful..
John and I had/have lots of "other children" , our dinasour from McDOnalds...Chomby, our beanie baby otter, Seaweed, we have two bears Skittles and Ginger. our bunny, Buttercup and our lambie Lola.
Buttercup and Lola have been on every trip we've ever taken, I was ready to get them passports.

Vee, I know that if I lost John that those fluffy friends would be a bittersweet reminder of the love and stories and made up "life" we gave them before we became parents and now we share them with the boys.

I totally understand and hold you in my heart. Those notes from Max touched me in a place that is soft and hurting for you. What a wonderful life you both had, you had each other.

Love you

alicia said...

I love this! what a precious collection you 2 made. I love hearing couples cute little games they have with each other. and those love notes are soo amazing, what a special thing he left for you.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I don't think you're strange--I think you two are (and I use the present tense) very much in love. And I smiled at the flower comment because I am the same way--I do not like having flowers in the house and Josh respects that even though he wants to buy me flowers from time to time. I just hate the idea of cutting something just to look at it.

Do you think people may be avoiding talking about Max because they're nervous to bring him up? That whole rubbish idea of "if we don't mention him, she won't be upset." Maybe sending out a general group note under the guise of thanking people for something, but adding in how much you want to talk about him and how you'd love to hear favourite stories (collect them for Bugaboo). Remind them that you want to be asked about him months down the line.

lparsons15 said...

What a nice post..super sweet!

jill said...

Not strange :) That is adorable!

Delenn said...

I thought we were the only ones who have stuffed animal pals...glad to see there is a secret society of us! ;-) (We have Woofer, Sir Winston, Stinky and Nibbly)

The notes are such a wonderful part of him.

SLJ said...

Nope sound pretty normal to me.
We don't do flowers here either for the same reasons.
Tony and I met through internet chat too, and the first time we met up (at Christmas time) we both gave each other a stuffed frog as a gift (neither knew what the other was bringing). We still have those frogs and a number of other 'friends' who have appeared over the years.
Your 'friends' are wonderful, something to pass on to your grandchildren with the stories of their grandparents.

Alexa said...

I don't think it's strange at all! Of course, I've got Charlie the Panda and about 20 others! :-) Sometimes I see ones that just have a certain expression that makes them stand out and they must come home with me.

I think the notes are far more romantic than flowers in a vase. Reading your story is extremely touching- thank you for sharing your memories with us.


maytey said...

Beautiful! Those notes are the epitome of romance. I can see how much you must miss those little daily bursts of affection, he was super-sweet. I know Bugaboo is going to love getting similar things from you.

Jules363 said...

Not strange at all! Just so touching...

m said...

I too had lost access to your old blog and am so glad to have found you again and to connect with you, Max and Bugaboo...
I have no words to convey how sorry I am - what a beautiful, loving couple you are... x

Calliope said...

Oh just the idea of the little love notes everywhere...I love that. It says so much. And while it is not the same- I try to tell W about Millie every day. They were only allowed to overlap for 6 months but I want him to always know how much joy he brought her.