How Much Grief is Enough?

I go to call my Mum many times through out the day. That's what I used to do, call her check up on her see how she is going that day, see if she needed anything. It makes me sad that I can no longer hear her voice asking what I am doing, what Boo is up to, laughing at the new funny thing he does, giving me suggestions on what to cook for dinner. I miss her.

I was telling Bea in an email after she asked how I was feeling "I don't know, a bit strange like I am grieving but almost feel like it's not enough. I keep comparing the way I feel now with the way I felt when Max passed away and I don't feel like I am crying enough I know that must sound really stupid. But I am scared that time will pass and I will regret not grieving my Mothers death. Perhaps it really hasn't hit me yet? I don't know it's strange." Bea's response made sense, she is good like that. I am struggling lately getting my words out.

Firstly, we know our parents are going to die, we are told usually at a young age whether we understand it or want to believe it is a different story. As an adult it is maybe easier to accept.  Also because my Mum had cancer for such a long time, I knew that death was on the cards it was a matter of when. When she was first diagnosed, I cried and cried for months, my whole world was falling apart. I was angry, no way was I going to lose my mother to cancer. I researched everything I could possibly find on her type of cancer and fed my head with it all. I looked into treatments and alternative treatments, spoke to Dr's , alternative health Dr's etc. I wanted and needed to know that my Mum was getting the best treatment that was available. My life was taken over by the need for information, sucking it all up like a kid drinking a chocolate milkshake, slurping at the very bottom, not content until I had everything I could possibly get. It was the only way I could help her it was the only I knew how to cope, to actually be doing something for her. This was 13 years ago, cancer did not touch everyone one you knew in some way like it does today. Back then when someone was diagnosed with cancer, it meant death. There has been a lot progress in curing or preventing cancer in since then (but that is a whole other post) I was pre- grieving back then, I have been pre-grieving for 13 years and perhaps that is why now I don't feel like I am grieving enough. Don't get me wrong I am still grieving, but just not like I was for Max. And I still hate that I can compare the two. It's called anticipatory grief and I first learnt about it when I saw a counselor before Max passed away. It had a name and I didn't even know. I thought I was just going crazy.

A couple of nights ago, my Mum visited me in a dream. I don't recall the dream but I do know that I was very emotional. Since then I feel a bit more comfortable with how I am grieving and the amount I am grieving. Maybe she told me not to beat myself up about it and she knows how much I love her and miss her. You probably think it's strange that I have to weigh up how much grief is enough, even wrong, but she was my Mother and I can never give her enough of anything.

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It was Fathers Day on Sunday. So I took Boo to visit his Daddy, I tend not to take him too often, I usually go on my own, perhaps when he is a little older if he wishes I will take him to see his Daddy regularly. He made a present for him.

Happy Fathers Day - We miss you lots. xx

The Funeral

I don't think I can even write about my Mums funeral in detail. I will say that is was a beautiful celebration of her life. There were close to 350 people there, she touched so many peoples lives. She was amazing my Mum, and I am not just saying that because she is my Mum, you can ask anyone who knew her. Boo was on his best behavior, he slept through half of the service then was a angel for the rest of the day. We joked that my Mum sprinkled fairy dust on him for the day, considering he was so naughty and throwing huge tantrums every time we would go and visit my Mum at the hospital before she passed away. So she thought she would make sure he was on his best behavior on her day. It worked :)

Three of my nephews did a wonderful job in writing and reading her Eulogy. I am going to pinch a couple of lines from it.

"People just wanted to be around Nonna. She took great pleasure in all these simple things and despite the hurdles she faced, life was so “uncomplicated”. Her amazing zest for life attracted and inspired even perfect strangers. And through this she taught us all the importance of community.

Her food was much more than a means of filling you up – it was a simple and encompassing act of love. It displayed a cherishment of family. A reason for togetherness and sharing. Discussions were made over cups of coffee and plates of sweets. Both eating and making the food were great excuses to be together."

She was beautiful, loving, caring, warm, nurturing, a great cook, a great craftswoman, a great cleaner, great wife, a great mother, a great grandmother and a great great-grandmother. She had quite an opened mind for age at 76. She was accepting of everyone and always had her arms open.

She will always be my Mum xx

The Viewing

I sat on the front pew with my Dad and brothers and sister in the church, Boo was at home being looked after by a couple of my friends. I could hear the whispers behind me as my mothers family and friends arrived to visit her for the last time.
The most beautiful casket I have ever seen was wheeled into the church, my sister in law chose it for her. Nothing but the best for our Mum.  The funeral people opened up the casket. My Dad started howling, he continues to speak with her asking why she left him. We all started to sob, there was no way of stopping the tears. When I saw her she looked yellow, it took a while for the eyes to adjust and only focus on her beautiful face. Once I stopped crying and cleared my eyes, I noticed she was not  wearing any make-up, not even lipstick. I got my sisters attention and told her that Mum would be horrified, she would never leave the house without lipstick. She agreed. She told the funeral people, she offered them her lipstick and they applied it to her respectfully. It was amazing how different she looked, now it was my Mum.

We had an opportunity to say our goodbyes. I got up and kissed her forehead many times, it was so cold, frozen cold. My Mum was always warm, with a huge warm heart. But I couldn't kiss her enough. I just wanted to hold her, I cried. My eldest brother put his arm around me to comfort me. She looked beautiful in her dress that she had chosen, her pearl earrings and matching necklace. She took with her her handbag, in it was her prayer book a new one so she could start fresh and her Rosary beads, and also an Italian deck of cards. She taught all the grandkids to play 31, she loved to win and often even cheated. She would pull out her jar full of five cent pieces so they had money to play with. So she had a five cent piece in her bag for every child and grandchild. I put a photo of Boo and I in her prayer book with a note written on the back. I want her to show Max. Anyone that wanted to give her something did, I saw my nephew give her one his music cd's. She was always there to support him and his music, even going to his Pub gigs, that's just the woman she was. She was proud.

As the chant of the Rosary was being said, I couldn't take my eyes off her. My beautiful mum. The Rosary was completed and we said our final farewell. I kissed her frozen forehead again and put my hand on her heart. Good bye Mum, I love you. The casket was closed.

After the Viewing the entire family went back to my Dad's house, it always used to be "Mum's house" even though they both lived there. If someone would ask where are you going, the response would be " To Mums" It's been a difficult habit to break. It was the first time back to the house for me and many of the others. There were lots of tears and first sitings of some of my Mum's possessions were hard to take. The hardest for me was seeing her chair empty. Where she would sit and crochet or knit. It was her chair and she was there not that long ago doing this......

She will no longer sit in this chair, ever.

My Dad has been a real mess, but it's expected. I remember that all too well, going back home after Max died and finding his things everywhere, he was everywhere, just like my Mum is everywhere.
I miss my Mum x

She will always be beautiful.

When Max died he was angry, he didn't want to leave. He wasn't ready, he had too much to live for, he had me, he had his beautiful Boo his life as a family was just beginning. He was enjoying his work, loving his hobbies, had so many dreams to fulfill. His cancer made him feel ugly. He had a good reason to die angry. The image of his last days is stuck in my head I can't wipe it, it haunts me.

My Mum on the other hand, she died peacefully, she was beautiful even after she took her last gasp of air. She was ready. She was in wonderful hands at Palliative care, she was comfortable and she said she felt safe there. She was scared to be at home. I hate that I can even compare the two, my most cherished people in this world apart from Boo. The image of my Mums last days is beautiful, she didn't change at all, she just looked like my Mum. She almost died with a smile on her face. I can carry that image in my head without it haunting me. She is always beautiful. She took a lot of pride in what she looked like. She always wore beautiful jewelry, everything had to match. She always looked a million bucks, she put me to shame. She often hounded on me about what I was wearing. I need to be comfortable, often not to her liking.

Her request is that she wants a viewing and rosary, I am not sure how I am going to stomach seeing her. But we are doing everything to make her look as beautiful as she always did. Another request before she died was that they didn't put too much make-up on her. She was just a lipstick and a little blush woman. We will make sure of that.

My Mum will always beautiful.

Numb

I am feeling really numb, it hasn't really hit me that my Mum has died. I think it might the day of the funeral. I don't know, my grief is kind of all over the place. Grieving for my Mum and Max and everything we have lost not having these two beautiful souls in our lives. I know they are together and I believe that they are happy and at peace. It's this sense I am getting.

My family has been busy organising my Mums funeral, we are a big family 5 siblings. So by the time everyone has their say, and is delegated something well it takes time. Some things my Mum had already decided on, like what dress she wanted to wear but not until her final days, because according to her she wasn't going anywhere and it wasn't until she was ready that she bought it up. Unlike with Max we had pretty much everything organised, even though it was really difficult at the time to talk about it, it made everything soooo much easier during this difficult time.

I have so much to say but I am feeling pretty exhausted, emotionally drained and also due to lack of sleep.

R.I.P. Mum

You gave it all you had, I wish I had half the strength you had.  I know your faith got you through this, in the end you were defeated but not without a good fight. You fought the dragon for 13 years, who does that? Only a super woman like you.

I can't say good bye. You are my Mum, always my Mum. I can't let you go, even though you have left. Left us to meet Max, your Mum and your brother.

You are no longer suffering I am happy for that, but I want you here. You were meant to come and see our new house, you where so looking forward to it, dam it!

I love you, I miss you xx

You Spin Right Round

Yesterday I was high as a kite. I did the City2Surf, I survived 14km and Heart break Hill. I did it! I still can't believe it. The endorphins kicked in and we had a really great day. I was thinking of Max and knew he would very proud of Boo and I, not only for completing it but also raising funds for Rainbows for Kate. And I must say I was pretty chuffed with myself also. I am aching today but its ok, it's good pain right.

Waiting for the race to start.

One in 85,000 people.

Heading towards the finish line

Congratulating each other with our medals.

Bondi beach- The End.

This morning I took Boo to daycare, he wore his medal he won to show off proudly. Then I took off to see my Mum at the palliative care. I hadn't seen her in two days. When I got there my heart skipped a beat. She was sitting in her chair beside her bed, in a hospital gown with a bare back and bare feet. Her mouth dropped wide open and her eyes rolling around in a gaze. I just saw Max. And I think I said "Oh my G-d" out loud. I went and gave her a hug and asked how long she had been there and where where her slippers. She hates being barefoot unlike me. She murmured a few words. She basically didn't know. I sat on the bed and asked if she wanted her slippers on she said yes. I gave her a nice foot and leg massage , I put my head down so she couldn't see the tears rolling down my face. I couldn't believe how much she had deteriorated. It really hit me then, that my Mum was soon leaving us. She had to go to the loo. She no longer has the energy to walk the short distance to the toilet so she did it in one of those portable loo chairs, but she was so breathless the Dr's decided that it was time she needed a catheter so she could conserve her energy. Her chest was rattling and she was gasping for air and really zonked out. I got her into her bed and went to find a Dr to speak with. She had had a very bad night with her breathing so they had given her more meds to help with it. They told me it was probably best to to call the family. Fuck! I walked into the common room and called my sister and told her that my Mum was deteriorating fast. I told her it was Max all over again, I couldn't stop crying. She did all the calling around. My Dad got there and he was sobbing as he walked in her room. My Mum asked  my Dad "What's wrong with you?" I am not going anywhere. As the day progressed more of my family arrived. I went and picked up Boo and took him back to see his Nonna. I have a HUGE family. By the end of the evening she told every one to go home, because she wasn't going to die yet. Can you believe my Mum?

So my head is spinning, my body is aching. And tomorrow is another day. I have managed to get Boo into daycare for the day, so I can have some time with my Mum, because according to her she isn't going anywhere yet. She really is amazing, my Mum. I love her so much.

Where We Are At.

I realised why all my thoughts and words to express them have been so difficult to write or even talk about. It's my happy pills. I should have worked it our sooner, but I thought it was just me.  You now grieving, dealing with life. I am feeling so flat, lifeless and lazy. I am usually a doer I get things done, I am always out and about but lately I can't be stuffed doing anything. Although I am rarely home, I always have something to do, mainly consisting of visiting my Mum. Having said that, I think Winter has a lot to do with it too. I can't wait for the warmer weather to get out on our adventures again. I don't want to come off my happy pills, not yet anyway. Firstly I think there is still a lot I have to deal with to come, secondly I am scared of the reaction I will have coming off them. The few days I have forgotten to take them, I have felt horrible not only mentally but physically too. So it scares me and I am not ready to deal with that yet.

Visiting my Mum has become really difficult with Boo, twice now he has thrown the biggest tantrums of his short life whilst trying to leave. OMG! The whole throwing himself on the floor thing, You know the kind, the ones that you see other peoples kids chucking in the shopping centres. Not MY kid!
So I will need to work something out and take him less regularly, yesterday was the first day I didn't go and see her because I just couldn't deal with it. It was actually nice to have a full day at home without having to go anywhere. We really haven't had much time to enjoy our new home yet. We had friends come in the afternoon for a play, they enjoyed the backyard and Boos new playroom. And I loved spending some quality time with him. Although he is cheeky and throws tantrums he still makes me smile and laugh every day.

My Mum has another lung infection, so is on more antibiotics. They have now connected her to a Pump, just like the one Max had so they can administer her morphine through it. She is still struggling to get a lot of her meds down. She is pretty zonked out on morphine, but she is comfortable and for the moment ok.

Sunday is the day Boo and I are doing the City2Surf gulp! I had so many good intentions I was going to train and get fit and well lets just say it all fell through the window. I am excited but nervous, scared I am going to pass out or have a heartache on Heartbreak Hill. You think I am joking don't you? All I can do is try my best now.
My fundraising has been going well and that is what has been important to me. Almost reaching our goal of $1500 between Boo and I for the Rainbows For Kate foundation.

So if you are watching the race or doing the race and you see a team wearing these T- Shirts then say Hi!

Just Like That.

My Mum is getting much needed rest and seems comfortable in the palliative care hospital. They are looking after her well. She did have a scare the other night when she was taking her antibiotics through the nebuliser, the same antibiotic she has taken for almost six years. My nephew was there visiting and all of a sudden she threw off her mask and tried to yell that she couldn't breath. Her throat was starting to swell up and close. My nephew called the nurses and they managed to settle her, but they had no answers as to why all of a sudden she had this reaction. My nephew knows how horrible it feels because he has the same reaction to strawberries. Scary. It hasn't happened again thankfully.

I have gone to visit her every day. On Friday I picked my sister in law up on the way to see her. We had only been there a few minutes when my sister in laws mobile rang. She was sobbing. Her mother had just told her they have found a cancer on her fathers lung. Fuck. Nobody goes untouched. Cancer is bloody everywhere these days.

Today I watched my Mum follow the nurse into the bathroom for a shower, shuffling and bent over with her walking frame. Having conversations with her has changed, she has become forgetful and confused, I am sure that is the medication. Where did my Supermum go? Just like that. Cancer takes over. Even after watching Max go through it it still surprises me as to how things can change so quickly.

I have been trying to give her some things to look forward to. Like Boos 2nd birthday in a couple of weeks. Can you believe that? I told her if she felt like getting out for a day, then she should come over and see our new home. She is looking forward to that. She had only seen it when it was empty. I so hope she makes it.

Boo trying out anything that has wheels. He always makes my Mum smile.

The Drug Of Champions

I am currently sitting in my parents back yard writing this, the warm winter sun on my back and my fathers budgies chirping very loudly, so loud I can't concentrate.

I spent the night here last night to look after my Mum, she is a little better. Monday night we were all sure it was her last. But if you know my Mum is a fighter, she isn't ready to let go yet. She is a real champion. Thankfully.
She had been weened off her Dexamethasone last week and it was catching up with her. It's such an amazing drug for cancer patients, but the side affects are just so horrible so they can't stay on it for long and have to weened on and off it. It's basically a steroid. Max was amazing on it, he would have a huge appetite which was just so nice to see when he was turning to skin and bones. Wiki tells me "it's use is widespread among prostitutes in Bangladesh in spite of the dangers, because it helps them develop fat easily, an attractive feature in this poor country." So you learn something new everyday. My Mum is weening back onto it again and that is what has given her a bit of life back.

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I am back home now, my sister looked after Boo and took him to daycare for me yesterday, then in the afternoon we switched and she stayed with my Mum last night. Apparently she had a terrible anxiety attack, the worst she has ever had.  Her breathing is atrocious, I have never heard anything like it, she is struggling for breath with makes her anxious. We had been waiting for a bed at the palliative care hospice so she and we can get some respite. We finally got the call this morning. My sister is taking her as I type.

I think it's the best place for her at the moment. She has become very forgetful, so taking her meds on time has been a real task. She gets very breathless just getting up to go to the toilet, everything is a challenge for her. She can't be left alone. My Dad is an emotional wreck he just cries and weeps. Understandably. But it's not doing my mother any good seeing him like this.

It was nice to spend some quality time with my Mum, without Boo. Whilst he was there the other day he pushed her medi alert necklace button. The alarm went off so when they called to check on my Mum, my sister had to tell them that we were just testing the service. Ooops! She loves having him around but I couldn't look after her and Boo at the same time. Her medication makes her doze in and out, but she still manages to knit. My Mum she is a Champion.

All the Signs and What's to Come.

Please keep my Mum in your thoughts and prayers.
She has deteriorated significantly this afternoon.
She has put up an amazing fight but I hate to see her suffer now.

I am finding it difficult to watch I know the signs and what's to come.
My emotions are all over the place, yet not until writing this have I shed a tear.

We Made It To The Otherside.

I finally got my internet and phone hooked up so I should be writing a huge post because it has been a HUGE couple of weeks, but I am too tired and don't have the enegry to gather my thoughts. So here is a brief post.

We are in our new home, which we love. I wish Max was here to enjoy it with us, he too would love it. I miss him terribly.

Two things that I didn't realise about this house one is how damp it is, I am hoping it will improve as the weather warms up. I don't like that musty smell. And two we have a Jacaranda tree in our backyard. Every time I see it and especially when it flowers I will think of Max.

Unpacking has been a nightmare, such a slow process with a toddler and mostly on my own. It got me really down because unrealistically I wanted to be in our new home and settled immediately but it hasn't happened and it wont for some time. And now I am ok with that, but not before lots of tears. One day at a time and slowly but surely.

My Mum is really not well, she is losing her battle. She is extremely breathless and has lost a lot of her mobility in the last couple of days, her legs are swelling up and is finding it difficult even to get up out a chair. It's all deja vous to me and really is breaking my heart.

I will leave you with snippets of our new home.

Boo and the Jacaranda tree.

Boo enjoying his new play area.

I have always wanted a big photo wall, now I have one. This is a work in progress.

The dining room, the only fully unpacked functioning room so far.

The dining room.

I will be back soon.

The Hardest Part

* Warning- Vomit mentioned.

On Thursday I got some horrible stomach bug, with cramping and nausea, and just feeling really tired. It wasn't nice. On Saturday morning, Boo was sick and vomited all over the rug, I picked him up and as I trekked him into the bathroom he exploded again on the way, all over more of the carpet, a clean basket of clothes,  a couple of sheep skins, and it just trailed all over the house and all over himself. My poor boy, he wanted cuddles, so I cuddled his vomit covered little body. Took him in his room cleaned him up and put him in his cot whilst I tackled cleaning everything. I just looked around and I started gagging, I was sick I was feeling nauseous the last thing I needed to be doing was cleaning up someone elses vomit all over the house. I called my sister, didn't even look at the time it was early and I woke her sorry, but I was a mess. "how the fuck do I clean vomit from the carpet? " I asked whilst I continued to gag and cry. She gave me pointers, I hung up and cleaned it up the whole time gagging and dry reaching. Took the rug outside and hosed it down. Boo kept playing in his cot happy like nothing had happened. I managed to clean up the mess. Boo threw up 3 times and it wasn't until the third time I managed to get him to the bathroom in time, so there was more mess to clean up. By then I had had enough I put him down for a nap.

I think this so far this has been the hardest part of being a parent, having to look after a little one when you are feeling sick yourself. I am usually ok with vomit, gosh I couldn't have looked after Max if I wasn't, but when your tummy is feeling very delicate, oh boy, it's hard. All I wanted to do was sleep with a hot pack on my stomach, but I still had a very active toddler in the house, you would never had thought he had been sick at all.

After I put Boo down for a nap I sat on the couch and just sobbed. At this moment I thought I was going to have a break down. Everything had caught up with me, missing Max, my sick mum, my sick boy, my house in a shambles, half packed boxes, baskets of clothes to be folded, toys everywhere, I had two house inspections that day and most likely couldn't go and see them now. It was all too much. I cried and cried. I manged to pull myself together and called my sister in law and asked her if she could come over and look after Boo in the afternoon whilst I looked at the houses. I am so thankful she did and with much pleasure of course. Because I was really happy with one of the houses and put an application in for it. So fingers crossed it will be ours. Our new home, you have no idea how much I need this, this new home, this fresh start.

My Mum is doing ok, she seems to be getting a little stronger every day. Keeping some food down too which is great. She will be seeing her specialists this week, but I think she has decided to have no more intervention. My niece is leaving for a trip to Italy today for a month, so I know Mum will be staying extra strong to make sure she has a great trip and doesn't have to return in a hurry. Boo is also ok after his little episode it was just a 24hour thing and I am feeling fine too.

Now universe, listen here.....Please, please give us this house and continue to give my mother strength. Thanks.

Up & Down

My Mum came out of hospital today, only because she asked to leave otherwise they would have kept her in there. She hates that hospital it's not where her specialist works out of so she sees lots of other Dr's and she doesn't feel like they look after her as well. She always ends up in a room full of strange people or people that are not mentally stable therefore she does not feel comfortable and rarely gets any rest there. I know they need to be looked after also, but it's just she never has any luck with it. When an ambulance is called this is the hospital they always take her too because it's the closest and the biggest to her home. Anyway whilst she was there she had some tests done and they have found that there is something pushing on her esophagus and that is why she is struggling getting food down and keeping it down. They think it maybe her collapsed lung doing this, so the options they have given her are to have two stents put in one for her good lung and one for esophagus or have some radiotherapy but it's all a guessing game really. There is no guarantee that the radio is going to do anything and if it does it make take up to 3 weeks by then  it could be too late and her esophagus could close up which could mean a horrible feeding tube. Inserting the stents are a high risk procedure for her now, she may not even make it through it. Sigh. She has been terribly emotional, she has been sobbing over the phone which is so unlike her. It has been so upsetting for me to hear her like that. My Dad, he just turned a whopping 88 and he is getting very forgetful. He is no help whatsoever, my Mum is continually worrying about him which she really doesn't need. So tonight she will sleep in her own bed in peace and quiet and hopefully get some real rest. She is going to see her specialist for another opinion and take it from there. Cancer you shit me!

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I received my new camera today, I pulled it out of the box and charged the battery. That is as far as I have got. I know it's stupid, but I kind of don't want to let go of Max's camera, I don't want to abandon it because it was his and so very special to him. He loved it, it was his best friend. I hope that one day, if Boo shows signs of enjoying photography I will give it to him as his first slr although I am sure they would have come a long way since this old model, it would still be a good start up camera for him.
I have been playing around doing some photos here and there of friends kids and of Boo so I can build up my portfolio, you can see them on my FB page. I am picking up a few pieces of equipment, trying to do it all on the cheap for now so I can built up my kit. I am really excited about it all and have many ideas up my sleeve. I often wish Max was here to help me brainstorm, he was a great brainstorming partner, he would tell me how it is. I would have loved for him to have been a part of this, I think he would have been quite excited too.

I go from being excited about my venture to going down in the dumps worrying about my Mum, I am all over the place at the moment. It's quite exhausting.

Boo with Balloons.

Insert Fancy Blog Title Here.

 My Mum is in hospital again, she is not doing very well with her breathing and anxiety attacks. I haven't been able to see her because Boo has been sick, first with a cold and today he has been vomiting and has diarrhea. He seems to be ok in spirits so that is a plus, it's easier to keep him busy if he is feeling ok. When I was speaking with my Mum this morning she was saying how tired she felt and how all she wanted to do was sleep and how she never feels tired and it's frustrating. In my mind I was saying Mum it's because it's getting close. That is one of the first signs. I know. But I told her she should just rest when she needs to because her body needs it to fight her lung infection. I feel so helpless and so sad.

It's been pretty wet around here, oh the Winter blues have well and truly set in but I have been keeping myself occupied by getting my new venture up and running. My photography that is. I can't wait for dry weather so I can go out and play with the camera. I have just ordered a new one, gulp. Max's camera which is what I have been using is a bottom of the range DSLR, so I have decided to upgrade it. If I am going to take this seriously I need to make sure I get some better quality photos. I know it's the price of a small holiday but we aren't going anywhere at the moment, not with my Mum being so unwell. Hopefully it will start to pay for itself soon. I have to start somewhere.
I have started a FB page so if you are on, please go over and like it and drop me a line to say hi.

Sorry for the lack of blog reading and comments. I hope to catch up over the weekend.
Oh and still no luck with the house hunting yet.

Life - In Points 3.

There is just so much happening at the moment, so I apologise for another life in points post.

My Mum ended up having some Radiotherapy during the week to stop her bleeding tumour. She finally went home from hospital yesterday. But she really is still unwell. You know my Mum has amazed us so many times, the amount of times she has been in and out of hospitals over the years and she keeps bouncing back. This time I don't see the bounce. I have a strong feeling she it getting closer to the end. I watch her beautiful smile the other day and I just saw Max. She has become so thin, her teeth protruding when she smiles her eyes all googly just like he was towards the end. It really breaks my heart to watch. The Dr's asked my sister whether we had had the discussion, the discussion that we never want to have but need to have. About where she wants to die and whether she wants to be resuscitated. It hadn't been discussed but now it needs to be. A sign that it's getting closer. Fucking cancer.She is going to stay at my sisters home for the weekend. She didn't cope well on her first night, she had a bad anxiety attack. My Dad, he becomes so emotional and can't cope with seeing her like that, therefore useless in helping her at home.

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I have been busy looking for a new home, but there is a lot of crap out there.  I am kind of glad I am not being pressured to find something within a certain time frame, It's a bit of a luxury really. I would hate to move into something I wasn't completely happy with. The right one will come along, eventually. I told my landlord I would be leaving they were upset but happy that I am going to have a new start and we will definitely be keeping in touch. They even offered to help me move.

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This weekend Boo is going to stay at my sisters for the weekend, my poor sis is going to be busy looking after the old folks as well as Boo but my niece is at home so she will be helping out too. I going to an intense self help course. Yep I need a good kick up the arse! So I thought this may help. I need to make so many changes in my life there is lots to change but I feel so overwhelmed that in the end I don't make any changes at all. Yes I know I have decided that I am going to move and that is a change, and that's a start I suppose, but I need more. I am hoping to find some direction, some positivity at least. Discover what I need, I will be going in with an open mind. I hope you will see some changes in me, good changes. Wish me luck!

I am going to miss this little guy soooo bloody much over the weekend., 

but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make to find a better me.

Life - In Points 2.

My Mum is still in hospital she is itching to come out now after a week. The Dr's are communicating with her specialists at another hospital which is where she has had most of her treatment done. They are deciding whether to give her a low dose of radiotherapy to stop the bleeding. Dr's were meant to get back to her today, they didn't, which means she may end up having to stay in over the weekend. She is getting some well deserved rest at least.

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I have a few houses to look at tomorrow. I not holding out any hope, I still need to get all of my paperwork in order so I can submit and application on demand. So it's more just to get my feelers out and see what is available. Oh and I need to inform my landlords. Which I am dreading because they are just awesome. We have become friends now, they have little boy a couple of months older than Boo, we have playdates. They come over for morning tea and bring home made scones. They mow my lawns, ok so I pay a little extra in my rent to have them mowed but still. They would do anything for me, like put a privacy screen up! I am going to make the call tomorrow. Hopefully we can continue our friendship once we move, which I am sure we will.

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Yesterday I had an appointment to see Boo's head specialist. His helmet was unsuccessful, not that it didn't do what it was supposed to do, but Boo didn't give it a chance. He really struggled over Summer and during our heatwaves wearing the helmet, he was way too hot in it. He never slept with it on he would always yank it off. He continued to yank it off every time it was on. The bottom line is that he was too old for the helmet.

Basically there is nothing else that can be done for his head now. Although it is changing shape a little he has a small bump on his flat side which means it may actually be popping out. He will never have a perfect head but it will improve with time was the conclusion.  Well, at least we gave it a go. Right?
His appointment was in the late afternoon and on the other side of the city so I thought we would make an afternoon of it, since we rarely venture out that way. So I took Boo to one of the beaches out there. It is a bit cool to swim these days but it was great for playing in the sand and the park.

Here are some pics.

My little lifeguard.

Boo chasing Seagulls.

Life - In Points.

This is going to be a post in points. I am so tired I can't gather my thoughts. It was the end of Daylight savings over the weekend and Boo and I just haven't adjusted too well yet. I'm emotionally exhausted too.

- My Mum was taken to hospital by ambulance on Friday night. She was coughing up loads of blood more than her usual and couldn't get her breath. At first they thought she had a blood clot in her one remaining lung, but xrays showed nothing. They are thinking it was most likely a hemorrhage which could get worse and this could be close to the end. I hate fucken cancer! Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

- I had a bunch of friends over with their kids yesterday we had a picnic in our backyard. I had a sausage sizzle,  filled up the splash pool and turned the sprinkler on, I pulled out all the play equipment the kids all had a ball and it was really nice to catch up with my friends. I had planned it weeks ago, I was thinking of canceling to be with my Mum, but Boo hates the hospital he doesn't allow me to stay very long, he has been playing with Play-do with my Mum which keeps him entertained for a bit but then he gets restless and wants to run about. ( Yes he is running now!) The hospital isn't the place to be running about. Even though it was a fun day all I kept thinking of was my Mum. Oh and we made sure to make lots of noise, you know just to annoy the nasty neighbour. :)

- I had a look at a house on the weekend, way out of my price range but I wanted to have a look just to get my feelers out. It was a great house, almost perfect. Except it didn't have a bath tub, Boo hates the shower and the garden needed lots of maintenance. I don't do garden maintenance very well. I think a villa or a townhouse would probably be better suited.

Here is Boo in action. There is no stopping him now. He is SO proud of himself!

She is AMAZING!

My MUM. She is bloody amazing. She is running on one lung, she is in pain, nauseous, breathless, tired yet she allowed us to celebrate another year of St Josephs day together, once again.
(I have copied an old post I wrote in 2006 from my old blog below so you know what it's about )

When my Sister told me a couple of weeks ago that my Mum wasn't doing an Alter this year. I said to her as if she wouldn't, no she told me she wasn't, she insisted. Bollocks! Mum has always told me if she is alive she will be doing an alter. The next day I asked her and she said oh I will just put the frame up and maybe make a couple of kilos of bread. I know my Mum too well she would be doing the whole deal. So 9 kilos of bread and a small alter later we gathered and feasted together. It was a small gathering this year some family were moving house and some traveling so couldn't make it. Which was fine, it meant less washing up!

So Boo got to experience his second year of our family tradition, which was wonderful. He also tried one of Mums famous Canolli for the first time and loved it. I missed Max a lot. He loved this tradition, he was not religious but he loved what this stood for and he loved that the family, his adopted family came together and celebrated, not to mention all the yummy food. Last year even though he was there, he couldn't enjoy it like he usually did. He had no appetite and he was in a lot of pain, he was uncomfortable.  We didn't know he only had 7 weeks to live and his last St Josephs day.

When I saw my GP last week, she asked how my Mum was doing. She couldn't believe it. She told me how fortunate she and we have been because no one with lung cancer survives that long.
What a true blessing. Perhaps St Jospeh has something to do with that ? She is truly an amazingly strong woman. I love my Mum.

Here she is in action. Making the traditional St Joseph bread with Fennel seeds.

This years Alter.

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The Alter (post from The Sweet Life 2006)

Today is Saint Joseph's Day (San Guiseppe). It is our family tradition that we all gather together as a family to indulge in a feast.

This ancient tradition goes back to the Middle Ages. At that time there was a severe drought in Sicily. No rain fell for a long period of time, no crops would grow, and countless people died of famine. The peasants prayed for rain, they prayed to St. Joseph. They promised that if it rained, they would have a special feast honouring St. Joseph. After it rained they kept their word and prepared a giant feast in which everyone was invited including the poor. As part of the feast they erected an altar that consisted of three levels. The three levels, which represent the Holy Trinity, were draped in white linen and covered with flowers.

My mother no matter how tired or unwell she is, she makes her alter for St Joseph, some years bigger than others. This years was relatively small compared to other years, but she has been unwell so it is expected. We still think she has overdone it. St Joseph's day is extra special in our house as it is also my fathers name day. It takes my mother a week to prepare the altar and cook all the foods and sweets for the day. It is usually held on the Sunday closest to the 19th of March, but this year it falls on a Sunday.

We all gather at my Mum and Dads place, where there is a huge extended table set for all of us. We have a very large family so we often have the table extended for gatherings. We are seated around and the children are seated separately and served first as they represent the apostles.

The food eaten on this day is vegetarian and fish as it is during the time of lent.
The traditional food my Mother served during this day was for entrée , pasta with cauliflower and wild fennel. Instead of parmesan it is serves with fried bread crumbs, as many peasants could not afford cheese but there was always old bread in the house to make the fried bread crumbs. Funny thing is I saw Jamie Oliver cooking this up the other night, it has become fashionable as many other peasant foods. Then for seconds we have grilled fish and callamari. Another speciality is battered cauliflower coated in sugar. I know it sounds weird but it is really yummy. And for desert it is usually hand made biscuits and cakes. It was hot today so we had gelato. The bread and biscuits are beautifully hand crafted by my mother, something that she is very gifted at doing. No one goes home empty handed they must at least leave with a food parcel, which always consists of bread.

It is a shame that this tradition will probably never be passed on through our families, but we will always have these memories that we will treasure forever.

More Randomness

My Mum is ok, very breathless but ok. She didn't end up having the stent inserted, the specialist gave her a good flush out and decided the stent could wait and he will reassess in 3 months time. Which is good news, hopefully her recovery will be faster too and will be up to getting out for he Birthday lunch.

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I just realised I have posted twice in the one day wow! it's been a while since I have done that.

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Boo managed to keep his helmet on for just over 3 hours today. Not all in one go it was on and off but one and half hours was in one block. My niece took him to the indoor playground whilst I had my haircut and coloured YES I finally got my haircut! And I went a bit drastic with the colour I now have one big fat red streak at the front. Why not! Anyway I digress.  Boo was distracted enough playing to keep his helmet on. It was only when he got tired that he wanted it off. So if I can add an hour every day for the next couple of weeks we should get there. That is the plan anyway.

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I am going to see U2 next week it's been quite a while since I have seen any live music, that is something Max and I enjoyed doing a lot of. The week after that I am taking Boo to see the Wiggles! I can't wait to see his reaction, he loves the Wiggles.

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Another photo I just had to share.

Boo is fast asleep here. Like his Daddy he can sleep in any position.