Friday, December 31, 2010

The New Year

Well I am glad that 2010 has ended but some how I don't think 2011 is going to be any better. My Mum has been fighting her cancer for way too long, she is deteriorating now, although you could never tell her that, not that she doesn't know but she would never admit it. She is still making Christmas sweets for all her family although she pays for it for days later. She is being just as amazing as always only her body is no longer cooperating having to spend more time on oxygen, walking a short distance is becoming difficult, losing lots of weight. I have seen all the signs before and it breaks my heart. 2011 scares me. So I am not welcoming it, I am just taking one day at a time just like I have been. It's the only way to get through it.

I am missing Max so much. Yesterday we went to "our" favourite beach. It was the first time I took Boo into the surf. We have been to the beach many times but only played in the sand or wet his feet. The waves were only small so it was perfect for him.  I kept thinking of Max and I playing around in the surf. We would always have a blast.  Boo loved it too. Whilst I held him in the waves we jumped as they came through getting splashed. Hearing him giggle and laugh, it made me so happy that we can still enjoy it together. I wish it was the 3 of us, Max would be so proud of his boy and would have had so much fun with him. It was the stuff we always dreamed of. Our family at the beach, building castles together.

You know, some days it's still really hard to believe he has gone.

Happy New Year to you. Thank you for all your support through my toughest year 2010.
Love you all xx

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I love taking Boo on adventures and he loves it too. He is so curious, so to open his world to wonderful things just makes him so happy and I love watching him discovering.
These photos were taken yesterday at Sydney Olympic Park, I was there a few weeks ago to see U2. What a difference it was without the thousands of fans around. It's only 5 mins from house I really should make more use of it. The weather wasn't too great but I am definitely going to take Boo back so he can splash around in the fountains on a warm day.
The Chinese tourists thought Boo was the most exciting thing there, they kept snapping pics of him and asked if they could have a cuddle. Boo just laughed and posed for the camera.

Poser! (Blurred his eyes on purpose)

The spaceship is landing.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Popping the Bon Bon

Boo got spoiled rotten by family and friends for Christmas. He played, he laughed, he slept, he ate, he swam, he sang Christmas songs he had a great day.

I was doing really well yesterday. Until it was time to sit down for lunch and everyone started popping their bon bons. I turned to my brother-in-law who was sitting beside me and we popped one. Everyone was laughing and enjoying their moment. It was then that I lost it, the tears started streaming I left the table and room quietly unnoticed and sat on the couch and balled my eyes out. Max should have been there sitting beside me, we should have been popping our bon-bons together. He should have been there doing what he loved, enjoying all the great food and beer and company, cracking jokes and laughing with his nephews and nieces.

It's just not fair, why was he taken from us? It's just fucked.

Today, Boxing Day is 10 years since Max and I met. I will write that story one day.
But for now I just need to cry.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Festive Season

The festive season is upon us, the more time I spend with family and friends the more I am missing Max, wishing he was with me celebrating and sharing the moments. I am forever grateful that I have my Boo, he is the light of my life. He is cheeky and smart and happy and exhausting, I love him so much. I am going to make it through this Christmas for him, and the next Christmas and the one after that. I know it's going to be challenging, no doubt I will have many tears. I will be remembering all the Christmas's I shared with Max and the one and only last year we shared as a family of three. I will look forward to Christmas morning this year and seeing Boos little face light up as he opens his presents and I know Max will be watching us too.

Boo and I wish you a very Merry Christmas, 
enjoy and cherish your time with your family and friends.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Music

Well still no wrapping done and only about a quarter of my Christmas cards written. Boo is cutting an eye tooth and a molar at the same time so he has been quite unsettled. He keeps waking during the night which is a drag. He falls asleep quickly enough but I don't. So I have been having naps during the day when he has a sleep which leaves me with no time to do the things I need to do.
Boo hasn't had much success with his helmet firstly the humidity has been a killer here, the helmet makes him extra hot and he literally drips sweat off his head enough that his t-shirts are saturated. Secondly because his helmet needs to be adjusted it keeps pushing down over his eyes which makes him want to yank it off and then he whinges the entire time, so to make us all happy I take it off. I am getting it adjusted tomorrow.

I went to the U2 concert on Monday night, they were great. It was the first time I had seen them live although they have come to Sydney many times. I went with a bunch of old school friends including CDV all who are huge fans from way back and have seen them many times. I would have liked them to have played some more of their older songs but overall I was impressed, we had great seats too.

As soon as I got out of the cab and walked into the stadium forecourt, I thought of Max. I was walking around alone until my friends arrived. Max and I did a lot together, we had a lot in common. Seeing live music was one of them. I felt his presence the entire time, he should have been walking beside me. During the concert, Bono played a quiet song, I don't even recall what it was now because I had switched off after it had triggered some thoughts.( CDV you may remember) It was a moment that I imagined Max by my side with his arm around my waist bopping to the music. I imagined him yelling out his YEAAAH after being impressed by the music. I got totally caught up in my own little dream, I had forgotten I was surrounded by 85,000 U2 fans. I tried so hard to control the tears, CDV was beside me, she noticed and put her arms around me.  I told her I was ok. I almost went into a blabbering mess when I took a few deep breaths and pulled myself together enough to get into the next song.  Max would have wanted me to enjoy the night. So I did but I still miss him terribly.


*** Editing to Add

Thanks CDV I knew I could rely on you. Wow those lyrics have just blown me away a truly beautiful song. Max surely was speaking with me.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Thank you everyone for your votes and your input.
I really couldn't decide so going purely by your votes Two Weeks just scrapes in over Mr Sparkles.

This week has been so hectic, lots happening and lots to do. I have lots to say and no time to say it. Many of things I need to do whilst Boo is having his naps which doesn't really give me much time. Wrapping presents with a toddler is really not much fun, especially when he rips the wrapping off after you have done a half decent job of wrapping it. So it's a slow process that is why I need to get started now and who knows I may be done Christmas.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Creme de la Creme - I need your help.

Ok so I want to submit a post for Mels Creme de la Creme but I can't decide which post.
So I need your help to decide please. I must say it has been really difficult reading back to some of these posts. I have spent a good part of the morning crying.

Here are the ones I am thinking about posting.
Thank you and Goodbye.
Two Weeks
Mr Sparkles and the Love Notes
The Big Plastic Bag

So which one do you think?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Express Yourself

I have been reading a lot about loss and grief in the blogosphere lately. Which I am sorry for. When I read these bloggers words I usually nod whilst reading and think to myself that is exactly how I feel. I am finding it frustrating because I have all these feeling, these emotions, yet I can't write them down. And I read others words and it's like they have written it down for me. I don't know why I can't write them down, I wish I could I know I would feel better for it. I have soooo much to say. But I can't, they are stuck somewhere. I want to leave comments but I can't, I don't know why I can't. I feel like I am in a really strange place.

I have been feeling very tired lately, I am not sure why. I think I might be fighting a sinus infection. I really only have my evenings to write. I pop on and off the computer during the day, post some pics of FB, write a status, read some blogs and that's about it. I do all my thinking in the mornings, I write posts in my head when I am fresh come evening I am exhausted and just can't get them out. The humidity in Sydney has been shocking the last couple of weeks, I love summer but I can't handle the humidity, it just drains me of energy. So my posts are just blah blah lately with no expression. I am not telling you how I am really feeling, not because I don't want to, it's just that I can't. But I want to.

You see this post probably makes no sense. I am tired.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


My Mum made it to her Birthday lunch, she wasn't feeling the best but because my Mum is such a trooper she put on her happy face and managed to enjoy her day with her family. There was some of us missing but they all made sure to catch up with her later.

I didn't think I would get into the Christmas spirit this year without Max. Max was never really keen on the lead up to Christmas. He enjoyed having our little Christmas tree up with it's little lights but that was about it. But come the day, he would always enjoy himself, eating lots of yummy food and enjoying a couple of glasses of wine or beer with family, always going home content. We always said that once we had kids (yes plural) that we would get a bigger tree and look forward to decorating it together.

I have surprised myself. I have decorated the house as well as I could making it toddler proof. I made a little Xmas corner.  I have done it for Boo but I am enjoying it and loving his reaction to everything xmasy. Still using our little Xmas tree that Max and I put up because it's easy to toddler proof. I think it makes more sense to upsize when Boo is a bit older.  We had a trip into to the city yesterday to see the big Christmas tree and window decorations and spent some time in Hyde park. It was a nice day out.

So, so close but out of reach!

Our little Christmas Corner
Christmas Tree in Martin Place

A kiss under the tree.

Christmas windows

Hyde Park

Christmas Tree in Hyde Park

This one is for Mel and all my other Jewish bloggy friends x

Friday, December 3, 2010

More Randomness

My Mum is ok, very breathless but ok. She didn't end up having the stent inserted, the specialist gave her a good flush out and decided the stent could wait and he will reassess in 3 months time. Which is good news, hopefully her recovery will be faster too and will be up to getting out for he Birthday lunch.

I just realised I have posted twice in the one day wow! it's been a while since I have done that.

Boo managed to keep his helmet on for just over 3 hours today. Not all in one go it was on and off but one and half hours was in one block. My niece took him to the indoor playground whilst I had my haircut and coloured YES I finally got my haircut! And I went a bit drastic with the colour I now have one big fat red streak at the front. Why not! Anyway I digress.  Boo was distracted enough playing to keep his helmet on. It was only when he got tired that he wanted it off. So if I can add an hour every day for the next couple of weeks we should get there. That is the plan anyway.

I am going to see U2 next week it's been quite a while since I have seen any live music, that is something Max and I enjoyed doing a lot of. The week after that I am taking Boo to see the Wiggles! I can't wait to see his reaction, he loves the Wiggles.

Another photo I just had to share.

Boo is fast asleep here. Like his Daddy he can sleep in any position.

Boo's Helmet Part 2

Here it is! Boos helmet. He hates it!  He tries to pull it off which puts it into the incorrect position so I keep having to reposition it.

I have to wean him onto it in the first couple of weeks, this morning he only kept it on for 10 mins then had a complete whinge fest. I will eventually have to get him to have a day sleep with it on, then try and get him to wear it between 18 and 23 hours a day. It's going to be a tough ride, I can feel it.

He keeps his bike helmet on when I take him for rides on his trike. I think there will loads of trike riding coming up!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


My Mum is going in for her procedure tomorrow. It's her birthday on Sunday I have booked a restaraunt to have a big family lunch to celebrate. Now I am not sure if she is going to be up to. We will wait and see....

Boo is getting his helmet fitted tomorrow too at a different hospital.
Fingerscrossed he copes with it well. I am worried about him getting used to sleeping with it on. We will wait and see....

I read a blog today of someone that is surviving LMS for 9 years. 9 years!! How I wish Max had 9 years, 7 more years than he had. He could have seen Boo grow into a beautiful boy and Boo would actually be old enough to remember how much his Daddy loved him and built some memories of him. We could have fulfilled a lot more of Max's dreams, our dreams. 9 years.

It's the first day of Summer here, it has been raining for almost a week and will continue to for the next week. They have forecast a very wet Summer boohoo!! I have so many plans, outdoor activities to do with Boo that I have been looking forward to. Not to mention the washing is piling up!

Boo had his photo taken with Santa today, I am hoping to make it a yearly tradition. A couple of weeks ago, I introduced Santa to Boo in the shopping centre. He cried and cried. Ever since then, we have visited Santa to get Boo acquainted and so he can watch the other kids get their pics taken. He did it, he sat on Santas lap although he gave a half hearted smile he still smiled however he was still very unsure about Santa.

I have been feeling pretty down lately. I was having a god run, then BANG back down again. I hope to find my way back up soon.