Saturday, April 30, 2011

Jumping Puddles

Another post in photos.....because my brain is fried.
This little monkey is keeping me very busy. I hope to be back soon.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Busy Bunny

There is lots happening at the moment, socially and emotionally. Busy, busy, crazy, crazy. Appologies for not reading or commenting on blogs, I will back once things settle down around here.

I took Boo to the Easter Show, I hadn't been for years and was so excited to take my boy. He loved it!
He did have his biggest tantrum to date there because he wanted to go back on the Carousel but apart from that it was all great.

Boo also had his first ever Easter egg hunt. So much fun!

I would just like to wish you all a wonderful Easter and enjoy doing whatever it means to you.
Stay safe x

Monday, April 18, 2011

On the Third Day

I have just had three intensive days doing the course. I walked in there with an open mind,  I really didn't know what to expect as I had never done anything like it before. They were really long days- 9am till 10pm everyday for 3 days.

The first day I walked out of there totally exhausted and angry, quite pissed off actually. Why? Firstly I didn't get it, I was really confused and thought it was going to be a waste of time. And also the coach gave us homework, homework!! That had to be done by 9am in the morning. When was I going to that? I was exhausted, didn't get home until 11pm and had to get up 6am to get through the city traffic. My brain was totally fried from trying to take in everything from the day. All the way home I was making up excuses in my head as to why I didn't do my homework! I woke up in the morning still making up excuses. Then I got to the course early there was no traffic, and they had set up a room so people could do their homework. Obviously they knew no one would do it. So I did my homework, there was no excuse. I wasn't alone, pretty much everyone else I spoke too where feeling the same way after the first day. I am so glad because I was starting to think I was just bloody stupid.

The second day was better. I was starting to get it. It was all starting to make some sense, although it was all very abstract I understood bits here and there and could start to relate it to myself. I met some really amazing people with equally amazing stories. Actually I was blown away. Some people were starting to make breakthroughs, it was exciting to see them do it. We were sent home again with homework, this time I read my home work and made use of the drive time home to think about the questions instead of using that time being angry. I got home and did my home work with ease. I even got up extra early to have breakfast with my Boo at my sisters house, I needed a Boo cuddle badly. And Oh they were the most beautiful cuddles and kisses ever.

The third day I was really hoping that I could make more sense of everything and relate it to myself otherwise it was really going to be a waste and I would really be disappointed. That morning whilst the coach was coaching another woman and I was listening to her story, something clicked. The penny dropped. I started to cry uncontrollably. I was enlightened, it was so amazing, now I understood it all and I could relate it to myself and it really did blow me away. My story was playing over and over in my head. Breakthrough.

So I really enjoyed it in the end even if I started out skeptical I came out feeling quite empowered. This morning after a little sleep in I got up thinking about everything I had learned, not consciously it was just all there. I was thinking differently and I was "doing" instead of just "thinking about doing". It felt great. Did I mention I met some really amazing people?

The other wonderful thing was that Boo was really great therapy for my Mum over the weekend. They had a great time. They got to spend 3 full precious days together at my sisters house.
Win, win.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Life - In Points 3.

There is just so much happening at the moment, so I apologise for another life in points post.

My Mum ended up having some Radiotherapy during the week to stop her bleeding tumour. She finally went home from hospital yesterday. But she really is still unwell. You know my Mum has amazed us so many times, the amount of times she has been in and out of hospitals over the years and she keeps bouncing back. This time I don't see the bounce. I have a strong feeling she it getting closer to the end. I watch her beautiful smile the other day and I just saw Max. She has become so thin, her teeth protruding when she smiles her eyes all googly just like he was towards the end. It really breaks my heart to watch. The Dr's asked my sister whether we had had the discussion, the discussion that we never want to have but need to have. About where she wants to die and whether she wants to be resuscitated. It hadn't been discussed but now it needs to be. A sign that it's getting closer. Fucking cancer.She is going to stay at my sisters home for the weekend. She didn't cope well on her first night, she had a bad anxiety attack. My Dad, he becomes so emotional and can't cope with seeing her like that, therefore useless in helping her at home.


I have been busy looking for a new home, but there is a lot of crap out there.  I am kind of glad I am not being pressured to find something within a certain time frame, It's a bit of a luxury really. I would hate to move into something I wasn't completely happy with. The right one will come along, eventually. I told my landlord I would be leaving they were upset but happy that I am going to have a new start and we will definitely be keeping in touch. They even offered to help me move.


This weekend Boo is going to stay at my sisters for the weekend, my poor sis is going to be busy looking after the old folks as well as Boo but my niece is at home so she will be helping out too. I going to an intense self help course. Yep I need a good kick up the arse! So I thought this may help. I need to make so many changes in my life there is lots to change but I feel so overwhelmed that in the end I don't make any changes at all. Yes I know I have decided that I am going to move and that is a change, and that's a start I suppose, but I need more. I am hoping to find some direction, some positivity at least. Discover what I need, I will be going in with an open mind. I hope you will see some changes in me, good changes. Wish me luck!

I am going to miss this little guy soooo bloody much over the weekend., 
but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make to find a better me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

My Frenchman

In the last 3 years Max and I only had sex probably only a hand full of times. Gasp!
You see at first there was thing called...a diagnosis.
And Cancer really doesn't put you in the mood.
That was followed by depression,
then Chemotherapy,
then more Cancer treatment,
then an IVF pregnancy which you don't want to risk, but did on the odd occasion,
then there was radiotherapy
then there was a cesarean birth
and a newborn, a silent reflux baby,
then there was the affects of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and cancer where, well let just say, things no longer worked. And not for the lack of trying.
And then, and then there was this huge mutherfucker thing called death.
Where the one and only person you have sex with has gone. Forever.
End of story.

And you know what? I didn't really miss it. I don't miss it. What I miss more than anything is Max. My beautiful Max. I miss him cuddling me, we may not have had sex often towards the end but we always cuddled and hugged and kissed and touched. Touch was so important to us. One of the many reasons I loved him so much. I loved that Max would just come and put his arms around me just out the blue for eg. I would be hanging out in my sisters kitchen chatting to her when he would walk in, put his arms around me and give me a kiss on the cheek. I loved that. That is what I miss, his spontaneous cuddles, his spontaneous kisses, his spontaneous I love you's. He was the best kisser, oh my gosh his kisses were just amazing. He was a true Frenchman you know, it is true everything they say. Sigh.

This is one of my favourite paintings. Gustav Klimt- The Kiss

My Boo, my beautiful Boo he is a touchy feely boy too. It makes me so happy. He fondles with my hands and rubs my arm gently up and down. He hugs and cuddles. If he is lying in bed with me has to be able to touch me, feel that I am still there.

Tomorrow will be 11 months since Max passed away. I just can't believe it has been that long already. I would love nothing more than for him to come up behind me right now put his arms around me and kiss the top of my head. I miss him. Lots.

For twas not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart.
Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul.

~~Judy Garland

Friday, April 8, 2011

Life - In Points 2.

My Mum is still in hospital she is itching to come out now after a week. The Dr's are communicating with her specialists at another hospital which is where she has had most of her treatment done. They are deciding whether to give her a low dose of radiotherapy to stop the bleeding. Dr's were meant to get back to her today, they didn't, which means she may end up having to stay in over the weekend. She is getting some well deserved rest at least.


I have a few houses to look at tomorrow. I not holding out any hope, I still need to get all of my paperwork in order so I can submit and application on demand. So it's more just to get my feelers out and see what is available. Oh and I need to inform my landlords. Which I am dreading because they are just awesome. We have become friends now, they have little boy a couple of months older than Boo, we have playdates. They come over for morning tea and bring home made scones. They mow my lawns, ok so I pay a little extra in my rent to have them mowed but still. They would do anything for me, like put a privacy screen up! I am going to make the call tomorrow. Hopefully we can continue our friendship once we move, which I am sure we will.

Yesterday I had an appointment to see Boo's head specialist. His helmet was unsuccessful, not that it didn't do what it was supposed to do, but Boo didn't give it a chance. He really struggled over Summer and during our heatwaves wearing the helmet, he was way too hot in it. He never slept with it on he would always yank it off. He continued to yank it off every time it was on. The bottom line is that he was too old for the helmet.

Basically there is nothing else that can be done for his head now. Although it is changing shape a little he has a small bump on his flat side which means it may actually be popping out. He will never have a perfect head but it will improve with time was the conclusion.  Well, at least we gave it a go. Right?
His appointment was in the late afternoon and on the other side of the city so I thought we would make an afternoon of it, since we rarely venture out that way. So I took Boo to one of the beaches out there. It is a bit cool to swim these days but it was great for playing in the sand and the park.

Here are some pics.
My little lifeguard.

Boo chasing Seagulls.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

His Talent

I was going to start getting into the office and do a big clean up. I got as far as opening up Max's sketch books and that was the end of that. It's going to be a loooong process.

Max was so bloody talented. He never thought he was, no matter how many times I told him he really was fantastic and should think about pursuing it. He never did. He just enjoyed drawing, illustrating and taking photographs. I would like to do something with some of his sketches but I don't now what. Some of the cartoony ones I want to copy so Boo can then colour them in when he is older. Any ideas would be appreciated.

He would often just do a quick drawing for kids to colour in. He loved doing it and seeing the kids faces light up. I dreamed that he would one day do it for our child and how proud our child would be of their Daddy who could draw funny pictures for them. What a waste of talent, what a waste of life.
I miss him heaps!

Here are some of his works, click on them for a closer look.

He did this one when he had kidney stones. That was his sense of humour.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Life - In Points.

This is going to be a post in points. I am so tired I can't gather my thoughts. It was the end of Daylight savings over the weekend and Boo and I just haven't adjusted too well yet. I'm emotionally exhausted too.

- My Mum was taken to hospital by ambulance on Friday night. She was coughing up loads of blood more than her usual and couldn't get her breath. At first they thought she had a blood clot in her one remaining lung, but xrays showed nothing. They are thinking it was most likely a hemorrhage which could get worse and this could be close to the end. I hate fucken cancer! Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

- I had a bunch of friends over with their kids yesterday we had a picnic in our backyard. I had a sausage sizzle,  filled up the splash pool and turned the sprinkler on, I pulled out all the play equipment the kids all had a ball and it was really nice to catch up with my friends. I had planned it weeks ago, I was thinking of canceling to be with my Mum, but Boo hates the hospital he doesn't allow me to stay very long, he has been playing with Play-do with my Mum which keeps him entertained for a bit but then he gets restless and wants to run about. ( Yes he is running now!) The hospital isn't the place to be running about. Even though it was a fun day all I kept thinking of was my Mum. Oh and we made sure to make lots of noise, you know just to annoy the nasty neighbour. :)

- I had a look at a house on the weekend, way out of my price range but I wanted to have a look just to get my feelers out. It was a great house, almost perfect. Except it didn't have a bath tub, Boo hates the shower and the garden needed lots of maintenance. I don't do garden maintenance very well. I think a villa or a townhouse would probably be better suited.

Here is Boo in action. There is no stopping him now. He is SO proud of himself!