Monday, May 30, 2011

Boo in the Poo!

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments on The Letter you have all made very valid points. I have decided to sit on it for a little while and see how I feel once some time has passed. I think that is the best thing to do at this stage.

When I said Boo was into everything. Here is an example.
After having lunch at my parents house, my mother and I were in the kitchen doing the dishes. When my mother noticed that Boo was very quiet. So I went and checked on him and found this!
He had taken a packet of gravy flour from her pantry, he is so quick we didn't even see him walk into the kitchen.

He had thrown it all around the lounge room and on the couch.

He wanted to clean it up.

Then decided that the best way to do that was to become a human mop and flapped his arms and legs in it.
Arrrgh what do you do? I was pretty cross with him, but we still had a laugh. Cheeky monkey!

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Letter

 Ever since Max's year anniversary I have been thinking about his father a lot. I had been doing really well thinking of him as dead, but subconsciously it is still eating me up. I decided to write him a letter. I haven't sent it to him and not even sure I will, but I just needed to get a few things off my chest, tell it to him how it is.

Dear D,

You are probably wondering why I am writing to you. Well, it is something I need to do to help with my grieving process.

Just to let you know, I did not advise you of Max's passing because that was his wish. I granted that. I know you know that.

I need to tell you how very disappointed I am at the way you treated Max, your dying son. You could have easily made his last days happier yet you made no effort to. Do you blame yourself for his death? Don't do that, don't play the sympathy card. However you can blame yourself for adding to your sons unhappiness. All he ever wanted from you was your love, as a Father. He reached out to you many times yet you kept pushing him away. Trying to help him when it was not necessary by finding some "miracle drug" which Max had researched many times and only to make yourself feel good,  not supporting him through the choices he made when he needed you most. You knew your son was dying and you walked away. Just like that. How easy it was for you, just to walk away. What Father does that, disown their dying son, for no reason that either Max or myself could ever comprehend, during a time of need?

You bought a knew Puppy because your other dog was dying and you didn't want your second dog to be lonely when he died. What did you do for your son when you knew he was dying? Nothing. You didn't even come to visit him. Sit by his side, hold his hand, kiss his forehead. The last couple of months for Max were very difficult. He was in a lot of pain, he was skin and bones, he had no strength he fell over many times and broke bones. I was his full time carer looking after my sick husband and a baby, it wasn't til the last few weeks of his life that I asked for help and there everyone was, my family and our friends all helping out looking after YOUR son. YOUR beautiful son. Everybody loved him and they showed it in anyway they could. You didn't even know him never mind loving him, you never asked what he was up to, you never asked about his interests, his hobbies, his work. He felt like he could never live up to your expectations, yet he was happy with what he had achieved in his life,  he was happy in our life together, he loved being a father to his beautiful son. He was a great father for the short time that he was one. He was so excited that he called you and told you that our son was born, you would have been more excited if he told you he had a bought a puppy dog, that was what he told me. He was so disappointed in you, something great had happened in his life that he wished to share with his own Father and you didn't even care enough to come and meet your grandson or even send a card. Instead you pushed Max further away and no more words were ever spoken.

Max appreciated that you bought him out to Australia, a country he loved and called his home, but he told me that you always made him feel like he owed you something for it. You can can never do something just for good, you always expect something in return, even if it is just to feed your huge ego. I was never bought up like that so I find it difficult to understand. If my parents gave Max an apple they gave him that apple with all their love and heart, they never expected anything in return, it's because they loved your son just like one of their own.

Your sons needed you and for one of them it's too late. When my son is old enough and asks about his Grandfather, I will be telling him the truth, as I know it. That he never cared about his Father, he didn't love him and he didn't want to meet his grandson. But that is ok, because our boy has all the love that he needs, he will grow up knowing that his Father would be proud of anything that he pursues as long as he is happy and healthy that is all that matters. He certainly wont be missing you in his life.

Goodbye D.

"Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle" Soren Kierkegaard


What do you think? Should I send it to him? I know I feel better for writing it.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

He Who Must Not Be Named

I have been in a real slump the last few weeks. I am struggling, today I really came crashing down. Nothing seems to be going my way. Lot's of things are going through my head, ideas, thoughts, to do lists, Max, grieving, etc etc. I so want a new home, but I just can't find anything suitable, if I move and have to pay more money I really want to be able to tick all the right boxes. I keep imagining us in our knew home and all the things I want to do, but I can't. So I wait.

Boo has become challenging, he is adorable and amazing and a wonderful little character and I love him to bits but he is into EVERYTHING! He has also had a bad cold so is really snotty and keeps him awake of a night which means I am up all night too. I am tired. Trying to get the usual things done around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing and looking after and entertaining him on my own all the time bar one day when he is at daycare is exhausting. I take my hat off to all the single parents out there that have more than one. I have also caught his cold, which is making feel pretty miserable.

Then this morning, actually yesterday morning, something happened. I pooed lots of blood, it scared the crap out of me (excuse the pun). Sorry if it's too much information but yeah, I went to the loo yesterday and the bowl was full of blood and this morning was the same. Then I went to Dr Google and I didn't like what I read, so I took myself to my GP tonight. She stuck a thing up my bum, think pap smear, and it bled and bled it took her by surprise. She seems to think it's an internal haemorrhoid and I am so pleased if it is what it is. Because my mind was racing and thinking of the C word. So hopefully some suppositories will do the job. Phew!

I hadn't seen my GP in a while, considering we used to see her a couple of times a week when Max was alive, but it's a good thing I suppose. She even said she thought we had disowned her when I walked in to see her. We have a pretty good relationship, she tells me how it is even if it's not what I want hear. I always walk out of her surgery in tears, I walk out of there and tell the receptionists that she has done it again and blow my nose, and we have a laugh. I usually cry because she talks about Max with me, she knew him. She has know him for about 9 years. I love that she can speak his name so freely. Not many people do that, actually only my Mother does that. I wish more people would speak about him, remember that he was here. He was real. He is no Lord Voldemort. After Max passed away I actually gave her one of Max's artworks printed and framed. It hangs in her surgery. Coincidentally it is "Think Big" His pink elephant artwork that is on the postcards that Alexandra printed and also one of the artworks now hanging at the Cancer ward. That is why what Eden and Alexandra did is so very special to me, it made others speak his name, remember him, remember Max. I tell people about what they did, so I can speak Max's name and they can speak of him too. He deserved that so much. I still tear up just thinking how bloody amazing the whole art caper thing is.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Precious Moments

Boo loves visiting my Mum & Dad, he is always so busy there. So much to do and see he is always on the go discovering new things. I love that he is getting to spend some time with his Grandparents, their time is so precious as they grow older and frailer. These are couple of special moments.
(Kristen suggested I add this to the weekly Perfect Moments Mondays, so this will be my first add. Thank you)

Helping with the vegie patch.

Bonding with his Nonno, helping him with some woodwork.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pulling Down the Barriers

Yesterday was a huge day for me, I finally started doing something I had been putting off for so long. I cleaned out the home office. Boo was at daycare and I had promised myself that Wednesday was the day. In the past I kept making excuses, putting up barriers. For example, I needed a paper shredder , because I really can't leave all of Max's private files unshredded. I could, I mean I could put them in a big pile and shred them at a later date. Not having a shredder was not really what was stopping me from going through the office. So I did it, I went through all of *Max's paper work, all his medical files, his books and photo albums. I tried not to stop and flick through too many photo albums or it would have taken me a week to get done what I did in a day. I was doing really well until I found our wedding guest book and started reading comments left by our family and friends. I just lost it and sobbed, holding the book close to my heart and reading all the beautiful well wishes from family and friends, of growing old together and hopes of our lives filled with much love and happiness. There was no long life together, it was way too short. After a good cry I continued to pack, yep I decided whilst I was doing it I may as well start packing even though I haven't found a home yet I figured perhaps if I start packing something may come my way. There is still heaps to do in the office, but I feel much better for finally making a good start. I know have some stuff packed, some stuff to sell on eBay and some stuff to sell at a garage sale which I am thinking of holding in the near future.

When I said in my last post "I have so many things I want/need to do but until I find a new home and get settled in it's not going to happen." It's not true. That is an excuse just another barrier I have put up for myself. Ok well it may be partially true but there are somethings I can start doing now, one of them is to get fit. There is lots going on in my life at the moment, heaps of social events, I have parties coming out of my ears this month. I am enjoying them though it has been great spending fun times with family and friends. Anyway I digress. To give myself a goal to work towards, I have signed up for the Sydney City 2 Surf. to raise funds for the Rainbows For Kate Foundation it is held on the 14th of August. I am pretty darn excited about it! I wont be running it, that would be just nuts I am big fat boomba and don't want to have a heart attack running up Heartbreak Hill, it's called that for a reason! I will be walking it and pushing Boo in the stroller. Perhaps my goal for next year is to run it, why not think big hey.

I am now going to call out to all my blogging friends to join me. Yep you! Will you join Boo and I ? Do the City2 Surf with us and help raise funds for Sarcoma cancers and others like Max.
Oh you don't live in Sydney? Why not take a trip? Yeah I know that is ridiculous, but hey I thought I would just put it out there for anyone that is thinking of visiting Sydney, August is a nice time of year, not too hot and not too cold, ok maybe still a little bit cold. And for my Sydneysider blogging friends I would LOVE to meet you and what a great way to do it! Come on join us, it will be fun.
So who is in??

* I know that Max's real name has been launched into the blogospehere which I fine with however I would still like to call him Max on my blog.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

ABC meme

I pinched this MEME from someone some time ago, sorry I don't recall who it was, so thought I would give it a go.

A. Age. 42 Eeek!
B. Bed size: Queen. It's lonely these days.
C. Chore you dislike: Ironing- With a passion!
D. Dogs: No dogs but would love to get one some day.
E. Essential start to your day: Coffee!!
F. Favorite color: Purple
G. Gold or silver: Silver, but mainly white gold.
H. Height:  5'2", yeah I am shortie :)
I. Instruments you play(ed): None, but I had guitar lessons once after Max bought be a guitar. To learn to play well is on my to do list.
J. Job title: Fulltime Mum
K. Kids: One amazing boy.
L. Live: Sydney, Australia
M. Mom’s name: It's the Italian version of Dorothy.
N. Nicknames: Vee, Veet, Vitz
O. Overnight hospital stays: Hmm yes many, wont go into all of them.
P. Pet peeves: When a vehicle veers left to turn right.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Hey, fuggeddabout it!"
R. Righty or lefty: Righty.
S. Siblings: 4, 3 brothers and a sister. I am the baby.
T. Time you wake up: When ever my son tells me to wake up, anywhere between 5am and 6.30am.
U. Underwear: Yes I wear them.
V. Vegetables you don’t like: Brussel Sprouts yuk..
W.What makes you run late: My son who does an obligatory poo in his nappy just as we are about to leave the house.
X. X-rays you’ve had: Foot, lungs, abdomen, toes
Y. Yummy food you make: I can't even think of anything. I have lost my knack and drive for cooking since Max passed away.
Z. Zoo animal favorites: Meerkats, Tigers and Monkeys, I can watch them for ages.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

WOW! Seriously WOW!

Wow, just WOW! No words can describe the last few days and all the support and comments around blogland. I have just been overwhelmed. There were posts of support written everywhere, like here and here and here and there and probably more that I am not even aware of......seriously it as blown me away.
My heart has been filled with so much love it was going to explode.
THANK YOU each and every one of you.
Especially the gorgeous Eden & Alexandra, two beautiful souls. I love that Eden allowed me to be part of her project. She probably would have been better off without Boo and I at the hospital, what Eden didn't tell you was that Boo decided to have a little big hissy fit right when we started putting the canvases up on walls. Like we needed the attention. Thanks Boo! It will be a story I will certainly be telling him when he is older. For sure.

I have been riding high on all your words of comfort for the last couple of days but like I suspected would happen, today I have crashed. I am feeling so overwhelmed by everything. Boo is sick with a cold, was up most of the night very unsettled. I thought I had found our new home, only to realise it didn't really fit our needs ie no bathtub (Boo hates showers) no garden front gate (toddler on the loose), and a huge backyard with lawn, extra cost with a lawnmower or a service, not to mention the time to mow it. Damn it! The house itself was perfect. So on I hunt.
I have so many things I want/need to do but until I find a new home and get settled in it's not going to happen. Which is disheartening and disappointing. One day at a time.

There was something else I did on Wednesday to commemorate Alex. I was so blown away reading comments that I forgot to mention it, actually I had forgotten that I had even done it until I went to bed that night and put my head on the pillow and went ouch! What was that? Oh that's right I got my ear pierced today. Yep, I got a 3rd piecing in my left ear, for Alex. My ear piercings have always been special to me. I have four all up, 3 in one ear and 1 in the other, yes feeling a little unbalanced but I like that, because I am a Libran which is all about balance, so I like to break the rules. When I was 6 weeks old my mother with her own hands pierced my ears, obviously I didn't think much of it back then but when I was in my early teens I loved that she had done that. I already had mine pierced whilst other teenagers were begging their parents to have their ears pierced. But I love that she pierced them, my beautiful mum. My second single piercing I had done by a gyspy in Sicily, Italy, it represents my roots. Not the gypsy part but the Sicily part. And now my 3rd one is for Alex, done a year after his death. He will certainly never be forgoten.

And all of you have helped remember him and I hope you continue to.
Thanks again for all your love and support.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Why You Where Here.

Hey Babe,

It's been a year since you left us and went to that better place. I hope you are ok.
It's seems just like yesterday that I held your sunken cheeks in my hands, kissed your cold blue lips and said goodbye. I miss you. Fuck I miss you. I am sorry if I get angry at you at times, angry that you left me and Boo, it's not really you I am angry with it's that shitty cancer you had that took you from us.

It feels like so much has happened since you left, yet nothing really has happened. Except for Boo, our amazing Boo. He has grown into an amazing little boy he is smiley and happy but he is so cheeky I mean really cheeky. He has started throwing tantrums, which really aren't much fun. He is having night terrors at the moment and waking up screaming, it's terrible. Now that he is finally walking, yes he was a late walker just like you were, he has become a real handful. He is really discovering his new world and testing me to see what he can and can not get away with. I am trying my best to be a good Mum. Some days we get through them with ease and other days are really challenging. I wish you were here to be his Daddy and give me hand from time to time. I get tired doing it on  my own.

I took Boo to Phuket, the place where we had so much fun but you already knew that because you were there with us, I know you were. You haven't been around so much lately you must be distracted or perhaps you have and I have been too distracted to notice, I am sorry. I will pay more attention from now on.

I took Boo to visit you on Monday because he is at Daycare today so couldn't make it, he smothered you in kisses, he misses you too. I should bring him to visit you more often, it's just that it's easier to come and see you with out him, but I will make more of an effort. I came and visited you today and had a coffee with you, I imagined you were drinking your long black with me. I also lit a candle for you and left these two little hearts, I know you would think they are tacky, which I agree they are, but I liked what they represented. Boo and I love you. I hung around for quite a while, I enjoyed our chat, I miss them. I cried a lot. I miss you.

Our friend A called me yesterday to tell me she was taking me out to lunch,  it was nice, we chattered and remembered you too.

Yesterday I helped Eden put your artworks up at the Cancer hospital, yeah I finally met her! She is beautiful and totally awesome just like we thought. But hey what about your artwork, doesn't it look amazing? See I told you your stuff is brilliant, you never thought so but look what they are all saying about it.  If your work can bring a smile and let a cancer patient forget they have cancer just for a moment then it's all worth it, don't you think? And how about Alexandra a complete stranger to us and look what she has done. They are amazing beautiful souls and are making sure that you are never forgotten. I know you where there with us yesterday and you just LOVED what we did. I have proof, see.

Why are I here? You often asked me. Well now you know. You mean the world to a lot of people out there, not only me and Boo.
Babe I certainly learned that anything is possible yesterday, you would have to agree. I just wish I could find a cure for fucking cancer!

I have a huge gaping whole in my heart, I miss you so very much.
I love you, morer.


Today is a year since Max (aka Alex) passed away and these two wonderful women, Eden and Alexandra have done something fucking awesome. I just want to point you there for now, because you can not miss out on what they have done. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I wish I could hang out here all day, but I have my distractions firstly I need to get Boo to Daycare, then go and visit my beautiful Max, then a friend is taking me out to lunch, then I have two houses to inspect. But I will be back later. I have lots to say.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Love Your Mummy

I am grateful every single day that I have this beautiful face to kiss.
I know how fortunate I am. 
I will never forget it.
I thank the universe.
I thank Max.
I thank our donor.
I thank our Doctors.
I thank my body.
I thank Boo for choosing me to be his Mummy.

I love you with everything I have my Boo.
Love your Mummy 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Grief Has A Lot To Answer For.

It's a year next week since Max died, a whole fucking year! Some days I really can't believe he has gone. I look at his photo attached to my computer screen and I shake my head in disbelief. Like I expect him to walk in from work, or shuffle his way into the computer room and sit at his computer beside me, playing around with his photos and asking me how to do something in Photoshop. But he is not, he just is fucking not. Ever.
The last few days I have been thinking about what I want to do to commemorate the day, actually it's been longer than that but seriously thinking about it but I have no idea. I know something really significant is going to happen something some other awesome person is doing which I can't mention yet. Part of me wants to do something but part of me wants to stay at home on my own ( Boo will be at Daycare) and just cry.

Boo was really challenging yesterday, he gave me a really hard time. Tantrums, grabbing, throwing, he was just horrible. I was glad when the day was over. Today is his Childcare Day and boy am I glad to have the day off. I dropped him at daycare we said our goodbyes, he blew me a kiss and off I went. I had a house to look at but had a half hour to kill before the inspection time so I decided to have a quick coffee at my sisters who was on the way. On the drive I burst into tears, just like that out of nowhere, I was remembering what was happening a year ago today. How life was such a struggle, not knowing that Max only had a week to live. How much pain he was in, the suffering. Missing Max terribly. I was stopped at traffic lights and wiped away my tears and turned to see if anyone was watching, I couldn't believe what I saw. The car beside me was hearse, a fucking hearse with a coffin it! I blabbered and blabbered. I got to my sisters house all redeyed, she asked me what was wrong. "Nothing! Everything! I don't want to talk about it. I am fine. Can I have a coffee?" I didn't want to bring it all up again, just the thoughts where enough, so talking about it, well I would have exploded. Just writing this is a struggle, I am blabbering. I had my coffee we chattered about the house I was about to inspect and was on my way. The house was a dud, there are so many duds out there.
Then I went and did a bit of shopping to buy my Mum her Mothers Day gift and decided to treat myself to a sushi train lunch sans Boo, what a treat. Sitting there at the train and in came the Mums of the twins that are with Boo at day care they are a same sex couple. We had lunch together. Apart from hello as we pass each other from our drop offs and pick ups we hadn't really chattered before today. What a lovely couple they are, it was actually a nice distraction from everything that was going through my head all day. They even offered to look after Boo whenever I needed some time out because their kids adore him. That cemented to me that next Wednesday I should probably not be alone, well not all day anyway.

Then when I got home I received this letter in the mail. It made so much sense to me and so very true, it's very obvious they have lots of experience with grieving. The timing was impeccable. Please click on it for a larger view and read it.

Did you read it? Did you know that? I didn't. It really answers lots of things for me this week.
Today I started spotting, my periods are like clockwork, I don't spot inbetween cycles and I couldn't work out why, now I know why. Grief! Also last week I did my back in really badly lifting Boo into the bath tub, I am only just recovering. The answer grief! All these  overflowing emotions. Grief.

I know I will get through this. I don't intend to be a victim of the day and I will take action, just some days are so fucking hard.

Please if you are grieving or know of someone that is grieving, let them read this letter. It really lifted a lot of weight for me so I hope it would do the same for you or for them.