Monday, September 26, 2011

As The Days go By.

Thank you all for my birthday wishes. The day went by and as expected it just wasn't the same. It never will be. So I just dealt with it. I stayed in my pj's for as long as I could until a friend called and asked if we wanted to go the park, so we had a bite to eat and took the kids to the park. After an usually hot day on Friday we had a cold snap the next so it was freezing. Yesterday my sister organised for my dad and some of my family to go out to lunch and that was nice even though it was absolutely teaming down with rain. But I certainly did miss my Mum and Max, a lot.

I still haven't decorated my new home. Not long after I moved in my mum got really sick so I spent most of my free time with her, then she passed away and I really didn't care much for doing anything around the house. I have decided that it's time to get it organised and make it the home I want it to be.

About a month ago, Boo decided that he didn't want to sleep in his cot nor his room any more. He is sleeping in the spare bedroom in a Queen size bed. I need to change that. I am taking my old single bed frame from my Mum and Dads, I have bought him a new single mattress.  I am going to move the Queen bed into what is currently his room and convert the spare room into Boo's room with the single bed. It all takes time and a lot the furniture moving I can't do I on my own, so I need to get some helping hands. I had put some money aside to buy a new couch, the current one is 10 years old and it is due to be updated. I found a really good deal, but the only colour I thought would work with my furniture was red. I couldn't decide in my typical Libran way if I should get it or not. After some help from my Facebook friends I decided to get it. Today I ordered it! And now I am quite excited about it.

My sister bought me a lovely new quilt cover for my birthday, it's nice and summery. So now I can work on my room too. I need to get some curtains, the ones that are in there are black and way too dark. My clothes are are still in baskets because I never really got to unpack them properly and now I am thinking well we are between seasons and I am going to have to pack away my winter clothes soon and pull out my Summer. I just want it all to be done now, so I can just enjoy my home. I will get there hopefully sooner rather than later. When it's all done I hope to post some pics. So that is my new project to work on.

I still wish that my Mum had seen this home with all the furniture in it even though it's not quite set up.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I'll Cry If I Want To.

I had to ask someone how old I was turning the other day. After 40 I just haven't kept up, it's strange. Maybe I just don't want to know. I turn 43 today.

Boo woke up at 5am, thanks son for my birthday present. I know you just want my day to feel that little bit longer. I miss Max, no morning birthday cuddles, no early happy birthdays, no special gifts, no extra I love yous. I miss my Mum too. It's only 6am I have the whole day ahead of me with no plans at all, but I know it's not going to be the same without them.

I will try and enjoy it and make the most of it with my Boo.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'm here, I 'm here!

Seriously, I know I keep saying it but the weeks are just flying by!
Any spare time I get I am busy getting the business up and running, so it doesn't leave much time for blogging, blog reading or commenting. So I am going to leave you with some pics because it's been a while.
With Spring here the weather is warming up so we are getting out and about and spending more time outdoors, which we both love!
Fun in the sand.

Absolutely fearless, running straight into the beach, the water was freezing! Spent most of the time running after him.

Looking for seashells.

TOTALLY obsessed with trucks of any kind.

Testing out one of his birthday presents and being Evil Knievel.

Boo was just beside himself when that truck drove into the park. "Truuuuck!"

This guy and his friend visit often for a cracker.

Making a blue octopus on our deck.

Friend comes to visit and admire the blue octopus.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Loving it!

Wow, that week just flew by. I have been busy, busy is good, distractions are good. It makes grieving a little easier. I have been working on building up my photographic portfolio. I am getting there and I can see the improvements with every shoot I do. So to me that is success. I still have LOTS to learn though. Now or soon, very soon I hope I to start making some money from it. Because money is getting pretty tight now that I am paying more rent and the bills are starting to stack up and I don't like that feeling. There is so much that needs to be done before I can get out there though, all the business side of things, which I am usually not very good at. I would love to be able to hand all that over to someone else and just be creative, but that is not going to happen, not for a long time yet.

I miss not having Max around. He had been around for all my business ventures, helping make decisions pointing out the pros and cons I often don't see, he was a realist I am a dreamer. I miss him lots, he would be right into what I am doing now. He could have been my business partner, we could have done this together. See I am dreaming. It's not to be, but I will succeed in this and make him proud and make my Mum proud too. This week I did 3 newborn shoots I have set up a studio in my home, well actually its Boos play room, which I convert. Thankfully I have the space to do it in our new home. I had 3 lovely Mums sitting in my home breast feeding their babies so they would be settled before having their photos taken. If I didn't have Boo, I couldn't have watched that. I wouldn't be able to take photos of babies and children without it upsetting me. I would have been crying at the sight of it, but I was ok. I am ok. Boo makes it ok.  Before my Mum passed away she made all these baby props for my newborn photos, she is with me whilst I am shooting. I love that.

So that is where I am at. Boo is at daycare today so I need to keep working on this new venture. I am loving it and it's nice to have found something I love again.

If you would like a link to my FB page email me at veelife at gmail dot com.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

How Much Grief is Enough?

I go to call my Mum many times through out the day. That's what I used to do, call her check up on her see how she is going that day, see if she needed anything. It makes me sad that I can no longer hear her voice asking what I am doing, what Boo is up to, laughing at the new funny thing he does, giving me suggestions on what to cook for dinner. I miss her.

I was telling Bea in an email after she asked how I was feeling "I don't know, a bit strange like I am grieving but almost feel like it's not enough. I keep comparing the way I feel now with the way I felt when Max passed away and I don't feel like I am crying enough I know that must sound really stupid. But I am scared that time will pass and I will regret not grieving my Mothers death. Perhaps it really hasn't hit me yet? I don't know it's strange." Bea's response made sense, she is good like that. I am struggling lately getting my words out.

Firstly, we know our parents are going to die, we are told usually at a young age whether we understand it or want to believe it is a different story. As an adult it is maybe easier to accept.  Also because my Mum had cancer for such a long time, I knew that death was on the cards it was a matter of when. When she was first diagnosed, I cried and cried for months, my whole world was falling apart. I was angry, no way was I going to lose my mother to cancer. I researched everything I could possibly find on her type of cancer and fed my head with it all. I looked into treatments and alternative treatments, spoke to Dr's , alternative health Dr's etc. I wanted and needed to know that my Mum was getting the best treatment that was available. My life was taken over by the need for information, sucking it all up like a kid drinking a chocolate milkshake, slurping at the very bottom, not content until I had everything I could possibly get. It was the only way I could help her it was the only I knew how to cope, to actually be doing something for her. This was 13 years ago, cancer did not touch everyone one you knew in some way like it does today. Back then when someone was diagnosed with cancer, it meant death. There has been a lot progress in curing or preventing cancer in since then (but that is a whole other post) I was pre- grieving back then, I have been pre-grieving for 13 years and perhaps that is why now I don't feel like I am grieving enough. Don't get me wrong I am still grieving, but just not like I was for Max. And I still hate that I can compare the two. It's called anticipatory grief and I first learnt about it when I saw a counselor before Max passed away. It had a name and I didn't even know. I thought I was just going crazy.

A couple of nights ago, my Mum visited me in a dream. I don't recall the dream but I do know that I was very emotional. Since then I feel a bit more comfortable with how I am grieving and the amount I am grieving. Maybe she told me not to beat myself up about it and she knows how much I love her and miss her. You probably think it's strange that I have to weigh up how much grief is enough, even wrong, but she was my Mother and I can never give her enough of anything.


It was Fathers Day on Sunday. So I took Boo to visit his Daddy, I tend not to take him too often, I usually go on my own, perhaps when he is a little older if he wishes I will take him to see his Daddy regularly. He made a present for him.

Happy Fathers Day - We miss you lots. xx

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Funeral

I don't think I can even write about my Mums funeral in detail. I will say that is was a beautiful celebration of her life. There were close to 350 people there, she touched so many peoples lives. She was amazing my Mum, and I am not just saying that because she is my Mum, you can ask anyone who knew her. Boo was on his best behavior, he slept through half of the service then was a angel for the rest of the day. We joked that my Mum sprinkled fairy dust on him for the day, considering he was so naughty and throwing huge tantrums every time we would go and visit my Mum at the hospital before she passed away. So she thought she would make sure he was on his best behavior on her day. It worked :)

Three of my nephews did a wonderful job in writing and reading her Eulogy. I am going to pinch a couple of lines from it.

"People just wanted to be around Nonna. She took great pleasure in all these simple things and despite the hurdles she faced, life was so “uncomplicated”. Her amazing zest for life attracted and inspired even perfect strangers. And through this she taught us all the importance of community.

Her food was much more than a means of filling you up – it was a simple and encompassing act of love. It displayed a cherishment of family. A reason for togetherness and sharing. Discussions were made over cups of coffee and plates of sweets. Both eating and making the food were great excuses to be together."

She was beautiful, loving, caring, warm, nurturing, a great cook, a great craftswoman, a great cleaner, great wife, a great mother, a great grandmother and a great great-grandmother. She had quite an opened mind for age at 76. She was accepting of everyone and always had her arms open.

She will always be my Mum xx