Monday, July 5, 2010

The Big Plastic Bag.

There is a big plastic bag in the our house that is tired closed with a big knot, it is pink but translucent so I can see it's contents. It has your full name written with a big black marker on the outside. Inside are the clothes you were wearing, the red top I looked everywhere for because you wanted to wear bright colours. Also inside is your pillow with the bright lime green cover on it.  When the ambulance guy took you to the hospital he suggested you take your own pillow because the ones there where really uncomfortable, so we did. You took your last breath on that pillow. You rested your head and said goodbye to this world.

I want to rest my head and press my cheeks into your pillow and cry. I want to take in all your scent. I want to take in every bit of you. But I can't, I can't bring myself to open that bag. I am not ready, instead I just cry thinking about it and constantly thinking of you. The plastic bag sits in the wardrobe waiting for that day when I can.

Fuck, I miss you so much babe.

10 comments:

Pundelina said...

((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Deep breaths. Take it a breath at a time, all you have to do is make it through the next minute.

xxxxx hugs, Alison

Miss Ruby said...

There is a fairly high chance that, that red shirt and that bright green pillow will have the smell of Max lingering.

You know Vee, the longer you keep that bag closed, the longer that smell stays trapped, preserved.

When you open that bag, that smell will intoxicate your nose and yes probably bring with it tears and sadness and heartache but also smiles and wonderful sweet lingering memories of the man you loved.

All in time Vee, all in time. When you're ready you'll know it.

Mum bagged up everything of Dads within days of him passing over, it's what she needed to do. I helped her bag everything up, helped her drop it off to our local second hand store because while she needed to do it, she couldn't do it alone but it broke my heart to see my Dad all bundled up in those bags so quickly, so final.

If I was in your shoes, that pink bag would remain closed for as long as I could stand it to be.

Big hugs and much love my friend...

xxxx

Bea said...

When you're ready.

This is another really heartbreaking post. Those little things can mean so much.

Bea

maytey said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry all his lovely things have to be inside one of those less than lovely bags. But as Miss Ruby says, maybe it will do a good job of keeping his scent there for when you are ready. Hugs xxx

MrsSpock said...

When you are ready, it will be there...

Gil said...

Just sending hugs and letting you know we're all thinking of you sweetie. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other, right? *hugs tightly*

serenity said...

Love to you, sweetie.

xoxo

DaisyGal said...

oh Vee, my heart just breaks and breaks for you. With every post, with every little heartbreak, and the big ones too.

you'll be able to open that bag, some day. When I was on bedrest and really couldn't /shouldn't get out of bed and was scared senseless John would leave in the morning and he would make sure to put his sleep shirt in my hands and I would fall asleep again with his smell cuddled around me, his pillow close to me.

I know how it feels to just miss a smell, to want to cuddle up in it. But I don't know what it feels like to know I will never be able to. For that, my heart aches and I hold you , here on the other side of the world my friend.

xo

Jane said...

take your time, take it easy and be gentle with yourself....