I realised why all my thoughts and words to express them have been so difficult to write or even talk about. It's my happy pills. I should have worked it our sooner, but I thought it was just me. You now grieving, dealing with life. I am feeling so flat, lifeless and lazy. I am usually a doer I get things done, I am always out and about but lately I can't be stuffed doing anything. Although I am rarely home, I always have something to do, mainly consisting of visiting my Mum. Having said that, I think Winter has a lot to do with it too. I can't wait for the warmer weather to get out on our adventures again. I don't want to come off my happy pills, not yet anyway. Firstly I think there is still a lot I have to deal with to come, secondly I am scared of the reaction I will have coming off them. The few days I have forgotten to take them, I have felt horrible not only mentally but physically too. So it scares me and I am not ready to deal with that yet.
Visiting my Mum has become really difficult with Boo, twice now he has thrown the biggest tantrums of his short life whilst trying to leave. OMG! The whole throwing himself on the floor thing, You know the kind, the ones that you see other peoples kids chucking in the shopping centres. Not MY kid!
So I will need to work something out and take him less regularly, yesterday was the first day I didn't go and see her because I just couldn't deal with it. It was actually nice to have a full day at home without having to go anywhere. We really haven't had much time to enjoy our new home yet. We had friends come in the afternoon for a play, they enjoyed the backyard and Boos new playroom. And I loved spending some quality time with him. Although he is cheeky and throws tantrums he still makes me smile and laugh every day.
My Mum has another lung infection, so is on more antibiotics. They have now connected her to a Pump, just like the one Max had so they can administer her morphine through it. She is still struggling to get a lot of her meds down. She is pretty zonked out on morphine, but she is comfortable and for the moment ok.
Sunday is the day Boo and I are doing the City2Surf gulp! I had so many good intentions I was going to train and get fit and well lets just say it all fell through the window. I am excited but nervous, scared I am going to pass out or have a heartache on Heartbreak Hill. You think I am joking don't you? All I can do is try my best now.
My fundraising has been going well and that is what has been important to me. Almost reaching our goal of $1500 between Boo and I for the Rainbows For Kate foundation.