The Few Words

Last night after I wrote my previous post I went to bed. I couldn't keep at it any longer, it was hopeless. The words were not gelling and I couldn't see through my tears. So I thought I would have a crack at it with a fresh head this morning. Not that my head is very fresh these days with an unsettled teething Bubbabo who wakes numerous times during the night. So whilst Bubbabo was happy playing and singing on his own this morning, I wrote Max's epitaph. The words finally came together.

So here it is, with names changed obviously. There will be a small camera icon above his name.

Max
Born 28-8-64 Died 11-5-10
Age 45

A loving husband to Vee and an adoring Daddy to Bubbaboo.

The love of the camera allowed Max to leave many memories
for his family and friends to continue to enjoy.
Forever.
Max will never be forgotten.

It has been sent to the cemetery consultant now and hopefully the plaque will be ready in time for Max's birthday.  It was such a challenge and I am so glad it is now behind me.

I just noticed something....Should the word husband and daddy have a capital letter or not ?

A Few Words

I am trying to write Max's epitaph. I need to finalise something by tomorrow so they can get the plaque made in time. It just needs to be short but I just can't get the wording together. I keep typing and deleting, typing and deleting. I am really struggling. My mind has gone blank. I have so much to say yet so little. This is something that is written for forever. On his gravestone forever. I need to get it right, I am scared I won't do Max justice. It needs to be perfect. He deserves it to be prefect.

And now I am just crying. I just wish I didn't have to do this at all.

My Grot

This cheeky, grotty, toothy smile just makes my day.

My Little Bubbaboo

My little Bubbaboo is the reason I get out of bed of a morning. Even if it is way too early! I love him so much, he just makes me heart melt. Even though he has been sick and grumpy and very usettled with teething and a stuffy nose and not sleeping much of a night and at the moment fighting his day sleep too, I still love him. Even though lack of his sleep means lack of my sleep which makes me tired which makes me grumpy.

He is such a little character, he is really cheeky and has hundreds of expressions. He really tries to get away with things now and most of the time wins but I am working hard to no longer be defeated because this is where it starts if he thinks he has control of things now he will think he always has control! Ah ah!

He makes me laugh every day, he laughs and giggles all the time and is so happy, that is when he isn't sick or miserable with his teeth. He loves going out and he loves the outdoors. We can sit in the back yard for ages and he will just sit and listen and watch the birds, he loves them. He loves getting in the car, as it means we are going on an adventure even if it is to the post office. He does the stiff body thing when I have to put him back in the car which usually means we are going back home, so he tries to fight it.

He loves to play with is toys and listen to music and sing along. He isn't singing the words but he is singing in his lingo. He just makes me laugh listening to him. He doesn't say much no matter how many times I repeat Mamma, Duck and Ball, he just wont say it. His favourite word is Dadda dadda, which always breaks my hear but I don't think he really knows what it means. But he is a chatterbox and chatters away all day in baby lingo. He is really not interested in crawling or walking. He stands for a short period then plonks himself on his bum because it's too hard.

He loves eating grass and playing in the dirt.

This morning whilst Bubbaboo had a very short sleep I was going through some files on my computer and found Max's Tribute DVD we played at his funeral. I hadn't watched it for over a month, so started to watch it and was getting emotional. Half way through it Bubbaboo woke up, so I went to get him, he always loves cuddles when he wakes and I love cuddling him. So I sat on the couch and gave him a cuddle and my tears started flowing and before I knew it I was sobbing with him in my arms. He just looked at me at first and laughed, then he noticed I didn't laugh and watched me cry then he put his hand to my face and wiped my tears. He is never gentle he is a a little rough guts, so this surprised me. Then he stared at the photo that was right behind my head on the mantle, a photo of him and his Daddy, then back at me then back at the photo, it's like he knew why I was upset. I told him that that was him with his Daddy and his Daddy loved him very much. Then he twisted his little body whilst still sitting on my lap, to stare at the other photo frame across the room, a photo of Max and I. Then looked back at the frame of him and his Daddy again. I wondered whether he was wondering where his Daddy was. And all this just made me sob even more. Then as I gave him a tighter cuddle, he pulled away and he whacked me in the face with his hand, I kid you not. Cheeky thing! That was more like him, my rough guts. I love him so much.

Discovering corn on the cob for the first time.

His Ring

I thought I would share a picture of what I wear around my neck these days.

The three disc necklace was given to me when Bugaboo was born by a girlfriend, they are silver and have our names hand stamped on each one. (I have partially blurred them for anonymity.) But I love, LOVE this necklace and have not taken it off since I got it and intend to never take it off if I have choice, it means so much to me and even more so now that Max has gone. It represents us and our family. Lucky all three of us have short names and managed to fit them on the discs. I get comments and compliments on it all the time.

The other necklace is Max's and has his wedding ring hanging off it. Once Max started loosing heaps of weight his ring no longer fit his finger and he insisted he wanted to buy a chain and wear it around his neck because he would hate to lose it. It took ages to find a necklace that he liked and wasn't too girly. When we went shopping for it, it was the first time he had hired a mobility scooter at the shopping centre because walking had become so difficult for him. He was very amused scooting around on his new wheels.
After he broke his humerus bone and had a to wear a sling, wearing the necklace was annoying him. So he took it off and gave it to me to wear. It's another thing I will never take off, it means too much to me and I love wearing it. I don't really care that they don't go together or they may not suit what I am wearing etc. Yesterday when I was in the cemetery office there was a wooden cabinet that had gorgeous silver necklaces in it, I fell in love one just like this first one. It is a cremation necklace where you put some ash of your loved one and wear it around your neck. I did seriously contemplate getting one for about 10 seconds  and then I thought I couldn't possibly wear another necklace around my neck. I had never heard of these before. I suppose it could be a bit creepy for some but not to the individual. A bit like Angelina Jolie who wore a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. To me the necklaces that I am wearing are like tattoos, permanent.

Speaking of tattoos, I have been thinking a lot about getting mine done soon. I might go and have chat to a tattoo artist tomorrow, we will see what happens.

Max's Ashes

Today I went to the cemetery and chose a memorial site for Max's ashes. It has been one of this things that I keep putting off. In hindsight it is really something I should have done earlier, to help me grieve and put him to rest finally.

Max was going to choose the site but as time passed and he became more and more frail and immobile it was just one of those things he never got to do. I wish he had. It was a difficult thing to do. There were so many different sites all with a different feel and not to mention the difference in price. I think I found the right site for him though. It's called The River Gum Reserve, it's small and intimate and set amongst Australian native flora including the River Gum Eucalyptus trees. When I stood there it felt right, I know he would love it, it was rough and rugged unlike the perfect rose gardens and man made granite built up gardens I had to choose from. This is a natural reserve, Max loved the Aussie bush and his home was Australia. He always called Australia home, even though his life was evenly split between his birth city Paris and Sydney. The plot I chose is close to the centre of the garden where it gets lots of sunlight and looks down towards the other gardens. It is solemn and peaceful and a place I would feel comfortable to visit. It's perfect.

So now I have to write an epitaph. Which is going to be quite challenging, I could write an essay but the plaque is not that big so I will need to keep it very brief. If I get it done this week we can hopefully have a small ceremony on the day before Max's birthday in August. His birthday falls on a Saturday so we can't actually do it on the day unfortunately. I am not ready to write it yet, hopefully I will find the right time this week to get it done.

This whole process has felt very surreal. I still feel like Max is in hospital on one of his many visits and will be home soon. I guess I need to do this to have closure and to know he is finally resting because for the moment he is neither here nor there.

I have been meaning to ask....

What do you think of my new blog look ? I still haven't put all the banners on the sidebar yet but this is pretty much it. I am not sure about it yet. But I remember feeling that way about my old blog and then it grew on me and I loved it. So I am giving this one a bit of time.

What are your thoughts ?

Mr Sparkles and the Love Notes

 Thank you, I love you all. I know I always have you here on my blog, but I suppose I want to speak to people in real life people who knew Max, people I can reminisce with. I had a better day today, yesterday was not a good day and that is the way it is, up and down, up and down. I am keeping my days busy trying to get out every day with Bugaboo he loves being out and about. Today we went to the local shopping centre where they had a petting zoo. He was really confused and unsure of all the animals, he did laugh at the duck that quacked in his face. He frowned at the lamb, llama and calf though.

*****************************************************
So let me tell you a bit about Max. Max was romantic, not in the true sense of the word. He never bought me flowers, actually he did once for Valentines day but he preferred flowers to be admired in the garden and not in a vase where they slowly die, that's what he told me and I was ok with that. Instead he did things like leave love notes with cute little drawings around the house which I would find when least expected or write an email or send me a text just to tell me he loves me. Or he would decide to cook a nice dinner and do the washing up too. He told me he loved me more than once a day, he was always ready with a kiss and hug when I walked in the door after work. He couldn't walk passed me without kissing me or touching me, even if he just brushed his hand across my back as he walked passed. I miss his touch enormously.

When we first met online, yes for those that don't know we were an internet couple. I was chatting to him on MSN and told him I had a puppy dog sitting on my desk that I had just been given for Christmas. His name was Max ( that is where Max's alias for my blog came from) It wasn't til when we met in real life that he discovered Max was a stuffed toy and not a real dog. He was dissapointed but when he met Max he thought he was pretty cute. And through out our relationship we collected them. It wasn't intentional it's just when ever we saw one in the collection either one of us would fall in love with it and take it home. It started off with one, then two and before we knew it our little family grew. Each one came with their own name attached, so we didn't have to name them and they were always referred to by their name. They were mainly dogs but when Max was in hospital the time when he kept passing out during his chemo, I bought him a little cat called Mizty, she was tough because she hung out with all the dogs. There was also a frog called Fribert. When I collected some belongings to put into Max's coffin, some special items, Mistzy went with him. They all sat on his bedside table and before we went to bed at night one of them would always come out to play and he would make up a story of their days adventure. Max was good at making up silly stories. I often imagined him telling his stories to our future child. It makes me really sad that Bugaboo wont remember any of the stories he did get to tell him. Every time we would go on a holiday one of them had to come with us. Now that I am writing this down, I remember telling Max one day that I was going to write about our little family on my blog. He said people wont get it and think we are really strange...grown ups and their stuffed toys ? but I don't care if you think that. It was a little bit of silly fun we had together.

There were other little special friends also, some of you may remember Gromit and how Max had to take him home from the department store because he was all alone and he would bring us luck after I told him we needed to have a baby first then we could buy the toys. Even till the week before he died he believed Gromit was our good luck charm and that is why we have Bugaboo.

Another special friend of Max's was his wheat heat bag Beddy Buddy Bunny he called Mr Sparkles he looked like this one but he was cream in colour, I have no idea where he came up with that name. But Mr Sparkles was his best buddy whilst he was doing chemo. He would be constantly heating him up, until the one day he overcooked him and he just stunk and I couldn't bare the smell any longer. I went in search of another to replace him but I didn't have any luck. My mother ended up making him numerous of heat bags for him. During his last few months the microwave was constantly going and he would always have his heat bag on his pain spots. He said he didn't really think the heat helped but it was a good distraction and made him feel better even if it was all in his head. Max took Mr Sparkles with him too. I kind of now wish that Mr Sparkles stayed with me, he got so many cuddles from Max, I would love nothing more to lay in bed cuddling Mr Sparkles even if he did stink of burnt wheat.

A couple of weeks ago, I bought Bugaboo and Beddy Buddy but it's a lion. I am going to make sure I tell him all about his Daddy's special friends and how they made us laugh and even helped make his Daddy feel better.

These are just some of the notes he left me, that I still have hanging around me and that I will keep forever.

Here is the little Family, minus Fribbit the frog who is somewhere around the house but I can't find him at the moment and also Mitzy who is keeping Max company.
Max the dog is the left hand top one, under him is Dollop, then Buddy and Snaps and Fritz above him. They are about the size of a small hand in case you are wondering.

So do you think we are strange ?

2 Months

It's been 2 months since Max died.

I want to talk about him but I feel like I have now been forgotten.
It seems like everyone is moving on, I am not.
I hate my home, I need to get out of it.
Its messy, it's cramped it is no longer functioning as a home.
But I don't want to touch anything,
I can't bring myself to make changes.
I can't bring myself to go through his things.

I am lost.
I am confused.
I am alone.
I am crying.

I miss him.

I Had A Dream

Last night I had dream. I haven't remembered a dream in a very long time. My ex colleague who passed away a few months ago appeared out of nowhere. He still had his shaggy bleached blonde hair alla Rod Stewart, he was wearing his mustard yellow suit with his bright green soft leather moccasins, he was a bit of an eccentric. He just stood there, there was emptiness around him, perhaps he was standing on a cloud I am not sure. He told me he had seen Max and he is OK. I started crying, I woke up and I was crying.

I wondered whether Max was there, wearing his favourite cargo pants that he lived in and his purple Wolverine T-Shirt with his SLR hung around his neck. He will no doubt be having a few laughs if he is hanging out with my ex colleague.
I am glad he is OK, but I miss him terribly.

The Big Plastic Bag.

There is a big plastic bag in the our house that is tired closed with a big knot, it is pink but translucent so I can see it's contents. It has your full name written with a big black marker on the outside. Inside are the clothes you were wearing, the red top I looked everywhere for because you wanted to wear bright colours. Also inside is your pillow with the bright lime green cover on it.  When the ambulance guy took you to the hospital he suggested you take your own pillow because the ones there where really uncomfortable, so we did. You took your last breath on that pillow. You rested your head and said goodbye to this world.

I want to rest my head and press my cheeks into your pillow and cry. I want to take in all your scent. I want to take in every bit of you. But I can't, I can't bring myself to open that bag. I am not ready, instead I just cry thinking about it and constantly thinking of you. The plastic bag sits in the wardrobe waiting for that day when I can.

Fuck, I miss you so much babe.

Update on my Mum

After speaking with her specialist my Mums news is not that good. Her cancer has started to spread. When he went in to clean her stent he said it was pretty messy in there, meaning lots of bleeding and growing. She has been coughing up a lot of blood. Usually when he cleans it out he comes back saying it was nice and clean, not this time. He suggested Chemo, I don't think my mother would cope with chemo physically, she is 76 now. I think she will most likely refuse it and prefer to have quality of life than to go through chemo.

He also recommended that she have another stent put into her other lung in the next couple of months as the bad one is most likely going to collapse soon.

To be honest I would never have thought I would have lost my husband before losing my mother. My Mum was diagnosed long before Max and obviously a different Cancer. Max learnt a lot from her courage and attitude to life, it certainly rubbed off. When I was going through IF, my biggest fear was that my future child would never know their grandmother and that my mother would never meet my future child. I wanted them to spend time with them and learn from them. Instead my son has no father to grow up with and learn from. I am grateful they they have at least met Babbaboo and have spent precious time with them both, I just wish it was longer. Wishing my Mum more strength and courage to get through the next stage.
I hate fuck'n cancer, I wish it would give my family a break!

Bubbaboo And My Mum. * With Update.

I thought I would update on Bubbaboo and other things going on around here. At 10 months he has 7 teeth and weighs 10.8kg and he is 74cm long. He is growing so very quickly. Yesterday we went to the park and he learnt to catch and throw a ball, clever boy.

He has been sick though, he caught my cold and has been really off the last couple of weeks. The last few days he has been totally off his solids lucky I can get him to take his bottles so manage to keep his fluids up. I am not sure if it's a combo of the cold and his teething. I am going to take him to the GP today just to rule out any throat of ear infection, because he loves his food and it is really unusual for him to reject it. He has been wanting lots and lots of cuddles of a night. He isn't too bad of a day but at night he just wants to sleep in my arms and as soon as I put him down he screams. So I am not getting much sleep either.

Last night whilst I was caressing his head I felt two little lumps at the back of his head. All I could think of were Max's cancer lumps, I felt sick to the stomach. I prayed and cried that they are nothing to be concerned of I couldn't bare it if there was something wrong with him. I will be showing the GP today, I can't stop worrying about them.

I can't remember if I have ever mentioned on my blog about Bubbaboos Plagiocephaly (flat head). It's pretty bad, I have had it looked at many times and the Paed thought it would right itself by now but at 10 months it hasn't. We have done the physio and the cranial osteo but nothing has helped it. I am concerned that it will affect his development.  So he is booked in at the Cranialfacial clinic in a couple of weeks and we will take it from there.

My Mum is in hospital with pneumonia she hadn't been feeling well at all but my Mum being my Mum she always pushes herself to her limits. She will not let her cancer get the better of her. Max's death has hit her hard too, she realises how fortunate she has been to be fighting her cancer for over 13 years. She had a procedure done yesterday to have her stent cleaned out she isn't feeling the best today. I hope to visit her over the weekend, we have had to keep away because we didn't want her to catch our bugs. I am really over Dr's and hospitals.

I have been really struggling emotionally, I am missing Max more and more each day.

* Update
MrsSpock and MFAMama you are most likely right about the lumps although the GP couldn't feel them. I could definitely feel them last night! But she said that they were most likely lymph nodes due to his cold. Phew! And as for everything else it is just his cold virus and teething that he has to battle out. My poor boy.