Tuesday, July 13, 2010

2 Months

It's been 2 months since Max died.

I want to talk about him but I feel like I have now been forgotten.
It seems like everyone is moving on, I am not.
I hate my home, I need to get out of it.
Its messy, it's cramped it is no longer functioning as a home.
But I don't want to touch anything,
I can't bring myself to make changes.
I can't bring myself to go through his things.

I am lost.
I am confused.
I am alone.
I am crying.

I miss him.

21 comments:

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Oh Vee, I don't think it's time you move on at all. Grief is like the ocean and it comes and goes and it would take forever to empty it.

jill said...

*hug*

My Reality said...

You are not alone.

Talk about Max here, I will listen, as I imagine many of us will.

Princess Andy said...

there is no such thing as "alone" with the internet at your hand.

those of us who come here do so to listen and give support and also to lend an ear when you don't feel like speaking out loud.

i am so sorry for your loss.

love and kindness are never wasted...

andrea

Anonymous said...

Vee, I'm listening and sharing your tears. I haven't forgotten.
Leez xx

maytey said...

You are definitely not forgotten Vee. So sorry you are feeling so stuck. Can you break it down into tiny tiny tasks? And give yourself a reward each time you tackle one of them? Hugs xxx

luna said...

what lolly said, vee. sometimes you just tread, barely staying afloat, sometimes it swallows you up and you feel like your drowning in it, sometimes grief just knocks you over, wave by wave. there is no emptying that ocean, vee. you are only learning how to build a new boat, one board and one day at a time.

I know this is something you need to do by yourself, but you are not alone. xo

Tina said...

huge hugs hun xo

foxy said...

I can only imagine how alone you feel. I wish I could offer some comfort. All I can offer you is that through your words you are not alone. We are here.

Carolyn said...

I agree with everyone above. When my mom passed, I took it one step at a time but you know what? Sometimes it felt like 'one step forward' and 'infinity steps backwards'. Lollipop said it the best.

Deal with what you can AND when you can...

Take care of yourself (and give your boy a big hug from all of us too)

Bea said...

You haven't been forgotten, although I imagine it can feel like it when you're going through something like this.

One of the cruelest things when you're in the midst of a crisis is that the world just seems to keep turning. The laundry keeps piling up, the dishes still need doing, and everyone around you just keeps going on with their lives, when all you want is to stop, wait, put everything on pause until you've fully come to terms with it. And something as big as this? It's going to take a while to come to terms with. Two months is early. I think you're doing very well. Just a little at a time.

If you want to talk about Max, I think you should. There's this blog, and you can always drop me an email. I'm also sure those around you face-to-face would be happy to listen, too. I don't know if that would help at this point or if it's too much for now. If not now, I'm sure the time will come.

Bea

Miss Ruby said...

Darling Vee....

The one thing you are not is alone. While we may not be there physically, you are surrounded (in spirit and virtually) by many who love you and who are more than willing to pause time to allow you to feel what you need to feel, in your own time.

You need to talk about Max? You go right ahead, we will all sit here patiently and let you chatter away, in fact I'd actually LOVE to hear more about Max, he must be a special man to have captured your heart the way he has.

I love what Mel said...

"Grief is like the ocean and it comes and goes and it would take forever to empty it."

That is so true and like the ocean has no one or nothing than can tame it, neither can grief. It is SUCH a personal thing and everyone swims through it so very differently.

And remember....you're not alone.

xxxx

Delenn said...

I like Mel's analogy...grief is like an ocean. Keep bailing it out here and we will listen and abide.

Pundelina said...

It's so hard for you SweetVee. When your world has fallen apart everyone else's keeps on going. And that feels so lonesome, let alone the lonesome of missing Max. I wish I could pop round and give you a big hug. Grief is a dwindling journey, it's a bitch of a journey to be on and there's no time limits. You take your own time.

x ((hugs))

Kimberly said...

Oh sweetie, so many hugs.

annacyclopediaisworkingonit said...

Oh, my dear Vee. I wish we were all just around the corner so we could hug you for real and listen in person. I just wish we could fill up some of that loneliness that comes with feeling out of step with the world as you do the messy, hard work of grieving. Maybe it's right that your house is a mess right now - I'm sure nothing feels right anywhere as you work through this stuff, trying to figure out a new order for this life you weren't expecting.

All my love to you.

serenity said...

I'm here and I'll listen anytime.

Love and hugs to you, sweetie.

xoxo

Princess Jo said...

Oh Vee.

:(

Jo

Nearlydawn said...

From the number of posts here I'd say you aren't alone. I do think that people aren't usually sure what to say other than, I'm sorry. That only goes so far for so long, right?

I keep thinking about loosing my 2nd child at 15 wks pregnant and how HARD it was on me - still is. That loss made me want to stay in bed ALL day, everyday. I lost someone I didn't know, that wasn't fully realized, I only had fantasies of her. I'm STILL, almost a year later, trying not to cry when I think of all I lost in loosing her.

The reason I mention this is to make the only comparison I can make...

You had an amazing guy, love of your life, a soul-mate and you've lost him (for now, in my personal opinion). I can't IMAGINE how much harder THAT is than my own loss. I really can't.

The simple fact that you are able to take care of yourself and your son would be a huge accomplishment to most people. In addition to that you've thrown a benefit party, started to deal with your mother's renewed cancer, and tried to figure out "what's next".

Really Sweetie, be proud of yourself - you are making progress, don't beat yourself up because it isn't as fast as you might like. The crap on the floor can wait a little while.

Jules363 said...

You are definitely not forgotten, we are here, and listening. I love to hear about Max, and your time together, and your love for each other. I am still so sorry that your time together was cut so short. I feel like my husband is the other half of me, I couldn't imagine losing him. He is quite a lot older than me - 56 - and it's something I think about a lot more, lately. Often thinking of you, Vee.

chicklet said...

I don't think you're forgotten, but more that (for me in particular), it's really hard to know what to say. No matter how much I think I can't imagine where you're at and what you're going through, the truth is I really really can't - it's bigger than that. So do what you need to survive, to get through, to function, and at some point things will get a little better (not totally better), and you'll be able to do more than survive (ie. like worry about crap on the floor).