Ten Bags Full

Whilst lying in bed this morning giving Boo some morning cuddles I decided today was the day.

Today I did something I have been putting off for quite some time. 8 and half months in fact. I went through all of Max's clothes and put them in bags to give to charity. I knew it would be tough and it was. Really tough. I first started going through my clothes, just so I could get momentum.  Boo had been quite well behaved whilst I went through my clothes but I kept getting interrupted I just needed to get into this and not stop. So my sister picked him up after lunch and he spent the rest of the day with her. Once I was done I tackled Max's things. The first drawer I opened was filled with his Summer clothes, his boardshorts were the first thing that I pulled out. I took a deep breath and held on to his boardies and cuddled them like a teddy bear and I sobbed. I smelt them to see if there was any hint of him, there wasn't. I continued to snuggle them and reminisced about the times he bought them and the memories we shared whilst he wore them. The beaches we swam at the holidays we went on. Then I pulled out his Bali Pants he loved his Bali Pants he lived in them at home, he bought 4 pairs when we went to Bali together.

It took all afternoon to go through his clothes, it was a slow process especially when I had to sniff and weep all over each item of clothing. I carefully thought about what I wanted to keep. I would hate to get rid of anything and then regretted it. I kept his collection of superhero T-Shirts which I hope to hand down to Boo someday. I kept his suits, he owned two. Max never owned a suit before he met me. Soon after we met we had a big formal wedding to go to and he wanted to wear a suit and tie. So he went out and bought one, then he lost a whole heap of weight and it no longer fit him so he bought another. He loved wearing it, he felt so special in it and he looked pretty sexy too. Shirts. He had so many shirts! He went from not owning not one shirt to having a wardrobe full of shirts. You see, when I met Max he was a Postman, he was a casual man who wore jeans and t-shirts and road a sexy Honda Shadow. After breaking numerous bones in a motorcycle accident he could no longer be a postman neither walking or on a motorcycle. So the company found him an office job. He had never had an office job before but he loved it. He soon discovered that he also loved getting dressed up for work which meant he also loved collecting work shirts. Which by the way I hated ironing with a passion. There was one shirt hanging in the wardrobe that still had it's sleeves rolled up. Max always rolled his shirt sleeves up. One day Boo was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and for some reason I rolled his sleeves up and my mother commented that he looked just like his Dad. I loved that she noticed.

I kept his scarves, I will certainly be wearing them this winter. He had good taste in scarves. His beanies, all the wonderful beanies that our blogging friends either handmade or purchased and sent him which he wore through his chemo. There is no way I could get rid of them.

So it's  finally done. I feel I can breath a bit easier. It took a lot out me emotionally today but I am happy to have my bedroom back into some order. I now have 10 garbage bags filled with clothes siting in my dining room. Two are filled with my clothes and 8 filled with Max's. All going to good homes very soon.

I stood there in my dining room staring at these bags. Does this mean I am moving on? There were Max's material possessions in big plastic bags. I felt like I was getting rid of him. I cried. I had to reassure myself. I am not, these are merely his belongings and no longer needed. Some one else will make good use of them. I was doing it. I did it. I couldn't hold onto them forever could I? Perhaps I could.

The next thing to tackle is Max's personal belongs which is cluttering the home office. His computer desk is now buried. I think this may be even more challenging because it is just that, personal. To see Max's handwriting, to see his drawings and doodles etc. I'll do it. When I am ready.

Home Of The Orchid And Elephant.

Last year about this time, Max really wanted to go on a holiday. He wanted to go back to Phuket, Thailand. We had been before and we both loved it. It was the best holiday we have ever had together. As soon as he mentioned it I started looking into it. I wanted all of his wishes to come true. I found a great holiday package, did some research on traveling with a 1year old. My sister and brother in law were going to come with us to give us a hand because by this stage Max's mobility had gone down hill and he was using a wheelchair most of the time. We decided we would do it and we both became quite excited by it. Reminiscing of the good times we had had. Talking about what we could and could no longer do. We thought, before we booked anything we would just check with Max's palliative care Dr and see what he thought. As far as we were concerned he would be ok to travel. Apparently not. He was in a very high risk of getting DVT. He could have taken Clexane but there was a high risk of his tumors hemorrhaging. Max was totally guttered he became very depressed after finding out. He had been so excited about the idea of going to Phuket, it had been a long time since he was that excited about anything. He had Cancer for fucks sake and I couldn't make his wish come true. I was just as guttered. We did compromise and went to the Gold Coast, where he kissed a dolphin which was amazing and he did have a good time but it wasn't quite the same.

Ever since Max passed away I have been thinking about going to Phuket. At first I thought I just wanted to run and hide to get away from home and everyone else around me. But now I think I need to go for Max. I am not quite sure why, perhaps I still need to make his wish come true. Perhaps I need to show Boo, the place where we were so happy. (I know he wont remember any of it, but he would have photos and plenty of them no doubt.) I don't know why but I need to go, perhaps I wont find out til I get there. So today I booked our tickets, Boo and I going to Phuket in 3 weeks time.

I know I am probably nuts to be going on such a long flight with a 17 month old on my lap. One active 17 month old who still isn't walking yet, but life is too short. One thing I have learnt from Max's passing is if you want to do something then you do it, don't put it off.

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Any tips on traveling alone with a toddler would be very appreciated.

Surviving

So I am in BigW just browsing, Boo is in a good mood and not whinging he hates any kind of department store, so I feel like I have all the time in the world. I don't really have anything to buy, except for some toddler Sunscreen but I am taking the opportunity to have a look at things I don't usually get a chance too. Seeing if there are any bargain sales I might find. Every now and then singing out loud to whatever song happens to be booming over the loud speakers. I am in a good mood too. I was looking at shoes for Boo when the song ended and a new one started. I think my heart skipped a beat. It was our song. The song Max and I had our "First" dance to at our wedding. I haven't heard our song in quite some time. I wanted to sing along but all I could see where the images of us dancing to it in our wedding video. We had the best day, they are beautiful memories. I was about to start balling my eyes out. I couldn't. Not here. I had nowhere to hide. I pushed the stroller around in circles, not knowing how to cope with this. The tears were streaming. So I did the most logical thing I could think of. I grabbed a copy of The Cat in The Hat and read it out loud to Boo in the most animated voice I could put on. Reading over the song booming into the store. Thinking of nothing else but the words I was reading and watching Boo enjoy the story. I finished the book and the next song was playing. Safe. I put the book back on the shelf, purchased my sunscreen and raced out of the door.

Reminders can be thrown at you at the most unexpected moments. They are unavoidable and you do what you have to do survive them. Thanks Dr Seuss.

Hello, Hello......

Is there anybody out there?

Just wondering where all my blog friends have gone ?
I'm feeling a bit lonely here, I need you guys.
I love your support and words of wisdom. I love you all.
Please don't leave me now, I still have so much to say.

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ETA- Thank you to all that have come out and said hi. I knew you were somewhere. I hope you keep popping in from time to time I do love to hear from you.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Busy, busy. Boo keeps me soooo busy. I do love it, I love doing things with him. He is my little Buddy. I love that he has become a little sponge and every day he shows me something knew he does. I love it when he has full conversations in baby lingo he sounds so darn cute.  He moves his little head like he is having a full on conversation, he is too funny. I must record it before he out grows out of it and has real grown up conversations. I love him more than anything but sometimes I would love to have a quiet moment and do something else like read Mels book Life from Scratch. I received it in the mail last week I have been trying to get some reading done at night but I am so tired I end up crashing out instead. Boos day sleeps are getting shorter so once I tidy up or grab myself a cuppa he is up and ready again. It might just have to be a slow read.

Yesterday Boo had his first full day at Day Care and he loved it, again.  The other children "look" after him because he is the baby. The others are 2.5 and 3 and very cute. He was exhausted when he got home.
My day went by so quickly, I ran some errands then did a bit of shopping. Treated myself to a sushi train lunch vacuumed and tidied the house and before I knew it it was time to pick up Boo. It was still very weird without him.

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I tried calling the Clinic counselor this week, I needed some of my options in regards to what to do with my lone embryo clarified but she is on leave. So hopefully I will get onto her next week. I did request to know if Boo had any half siblings though. He does. There are two girls born to two families, one born in 2007 and the other in 2008. WOW! I didn't know that having that information would have blown me away the way it did. It did raise more curiosity of course. I wonder if they look anything like Boo or have any of his mannerism or personality. I wonder where they live, will Boo be playing with them in the playground and not even know. But I am ok now. I have kind of digested it all. I have decided that I am just going to put the info away until Boo is curious and starts raising questions. I don't think I could deal with anything more than that at the moment. I may change my mind but for now it has been put in a safe place.

More Summer Fun

I have heaps to say but I am so tired at the moment and can't seem to gather my thoughts. I have a cough that has been lingering and the humidity in Sydney is just exhausting. I feel like we live in the tropics. So for now I will leave you with some photos to enjoy.

Boo with my nieces Bunny.

Boo having fun in the backyard.

Boo playing with the sprinkler.

Boo playing in the fountains at Syd. Olympic Park.

Boo playing in the fountains at Syd. Olympic Park.

11-1-11

This day marked 8 months since Max passed away.

8 months without him in my life.
8 months without my best friend.
Without him waking by my side.
Without him telling me he loves me.
Without him watching his amazing son grow and hitting his milestones.
Without feeling his touch.
Without him to do the laundry for.
Without him to cook for.
Without him to cook for me.
Without him to make love to.
Without him spending days at the beach with us.
Without him giving me cuddles when I am having a hard day.
Without him playing rough and tumble with Boo.
Without him coming with us on our adventures.
Without him making up his own funny bedtime stories.
Without him to play scrabble with.
Without him to watch the National Geographic Channel with.
With out him to watch cooking shows with.
Without him to plan holidays.
Without him to make big decisions.
Without him to make me laugh.
Withought him to make Boo laugh.
Without him to let Boo make him laugh.
Without hearing his silly jokes.
Without him to argue with.
Without him to make up with.

8 Months of missing him.
8 months of grieving for him.
8 months without him.

My Lone Embryo.

Ok so I called the counselor first thing this morning to find out what the call was all about.
She was sending out reminders for embryo storage and my name popped up so she thought she would give me a call to see how things were going. She knew Max was unwell. So I filled her in. That was very kind of her. I could have just been another name on her data system.

I have one frozen embryo left. I thought I had one left but hadn't had any reminders for storage payments so questioned whether I in fact did. But I didn't want to call the clinic to find out because firstly I didn't want to have to make any decisions as to what to do with it, its been a difficult few months and I have been in no state to make big decisions. Secondly I would remind them that I had to pay for storage, in case they had just forgotten to send me the bill, you know.

After having a chat about Max and Boo and donors the Embryo came up. So I asked her what my options were in regards to my lone embryo.
As it turns out I don't have many options. Since I have had extra time to think about it. I had already thought through my options, only I didn't realise that the one that I decided upon would not in fact be an option available to me at all. I had decided that I would have liked to have donated my lone embryo. To give someone the same opportunity that I have had however I found out today that it's not possible because we are using an anonymous donor we don't have permission from him to do so. And also now that Max is deceased I can't make the decision on my own even though he consented when we commenced IVF that I could do what I wish with any remaining embryos upon his death. So that has been scrapped out.

I could transfer the embryo. I would love Boo to have a sibling, but I need to be realistic. Firstly I am 42, it most likely wont happen BUT it might and I don't want to chance transferring it for the sake of transferring in the hope that it doesn't take. That would be a 2WW from hell. Also I really don't think I could be single mother of two, it's challenging with one, I am coping but it is hard work. I take my hat off to those that do it with two or more. If Max was still here, things would most likely be different.

I could donate my embryo to research which I would be happy to do, but apparently they prefer more than one. It may still be an option.

I could request they destroy my embryo. I just can't get my head around this one yet.
Or
I could continue paying for storage. I really can't see the point in this one.
The counselor offered to call me back in 3 weeks to see if I had made a final decision.
So that I have some more time to think about it. I would love to hear others thoughts on this.

Whilst I had the councilor on the line I took the opportunity to ask a question I have been curious about the last few months. The question is whether she knew if Boo had any donor siblings. She said I had to put the request in writing and she could give me the age and sex and D.O.B of any of Boo's donor siblings if there are any. I haven't written her an email yet, but I am going to request the info. I am not sure what I will do with the info when I get it, I suppose it's more for the curiosity. She asked if I wanted to go on the donor registry so if any any donor sibling would like to make contact they can. She also went on to tell me of positive stories about donor sibling parents meeting but there were also not so positive stories. Something else to think about I suppose although very scary.

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Boo had a great first day at day care. He was only there for 4 hours I made it a short day for him to start with. I said goodbye and he waved and blew me kisses. I missed him lots. I was home alone part of the day which felt really strange, I could still hear Boo even though he wasn't home. When I went to pick him up he threw a tantrum because he didn't want to leave. A sign he was having too much fun! Boo is one of 4 children the carer looks after on his day there. There is a set of twins, a boy and girl and another little girl. The twins have two mums, so no doubt donor conceived. So 3 out of 4 children in Boo's class are donor conceived children. What are the chances of that?

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My heart goes out to all of those affected by the floods in Queensland. I just hope that everybody I know stay safe, thinking of those that have lost their lives and those that are missing are found safely.

I need to know.

Today I got a call from the IVF counsellor at my clinic. I missed the call, she left a message to call back and I did but she had gone for the day. Now I am busting to know what she wants to tell me. She looks after the donor side of the clinic.
All these thoughts are going through my head.
Does Boo's donor want to know about him.
Does his donor want to meet.
Do parents of any donor siblings want to meet Boo?
Do other donor siblings have some sickness that she is going to make me aware of?

Argh tomorrow morning can't come soon enough so I can try and call her again and find out what it is.
Wish us luck!

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Boo starts his first day at Family Day Care tomorrow. I am going to give him a short day. He is still on two sleeps a day, so I will take him in after his morning sleep and see how he goes. Whilst we were away he was awfully clingy, I couldn't even leave the room to pee. He has never been like that. I think it may have just been his new surroundings and being away from home His routine was off a bit whilst holidaying too. He knows his carer and has been to her home numerous times he has also met the other kids before. Fingers crossed he will be ok. I am going to miss him that is for sure.

I am going to write a list of all the things I am going to do whilst he is in Day Care one day a week. Things I haven't been able to do whilst he is about and hanging at my heals.

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I know I am a bit late but it was National Delurking Week last week (4th Jan- 9th Jan) I was away so missed it. I would love for all you wonderful peeps to pop in and say hi so I know you are here.

Beach Holiday

We are just back from a week away on a beach holiday with my sister and her family. Boo had a ball, he loved the beach more and more every day. He became so confident with the waves, he built sandcastles with my niece and her boyfriend and surfed the waves with my nephew and I. We did lots of discovering in rock pools too which he loved. He splashed around in a lake whilst the others were fishing, he walked for the first time and says a handful of new words. He is amazing.

It was lovely to get away. As I thought I would, I missed Max terribly. Max always talked about this beach we went to, it's a 3 hour drive north of Sydney. It was beautiful, just like he kept telling me it was. He had been there before we met and wanted us to go together one day....one day. Maybe next lifetime. I miss him heaps.

I have heaps of blog reading to catch up on, but I also have loads of washing to do and am still unpacking. So I will be there soon. But for now here are some pics.

The Lavender

The day before Christmas Boo and I went to visit Max, I cut an Agapantha from the garden to take to him. When I got there, there was a bunch of plastic Holly and a bunch of  plastic Lavender flowers. My sister said she was going to visit so I figured it was from her. Boo and I gave him a kiss, sat and had a chat for a while and wished him a Merry Christmas.

When I saw my Sister on Christmas day I asked her if she had taken the flowers. She told me she had taken Max the Holly but not the Lavender. Hmm so who took him the Lavender ? Over the next few days I asked around the family to see if anyone had gone to visit and taken him the Lavender. No one said they had. I know no one apart from my family would have gone to visit. Max has no family in Australia apart from his Father. His Father who disowned him whilst he was dying, for no reason that we are aware of. His Father who hasn’t even met his Grandchild Boo. His Father who Max informed would not be welcome at his funeral.

We kept Max’s wish and never told him that the he had passed away, until a couple of weeks ago. Max’s brother who felt a need to deal with some issues he had with his Father emailed him with the news. He asked my permission first, I figured he would find out some day, surely. As long as he wasn’t at Max’s funeral then his wish was granted.

So the only person who would have taken the Lavender was his Father. This bugged me all week. What gave him the right to visit his son now, and not when he was alive. It kept eating me up inside. His plastic flowers were permanent not like my Agapanthas that would die and if I wish replaced. His plastic Lavender would be sitting there, forever. He was never there for Max when he was alive, why should his Lavender represent him forever. It bothered me. I decided that on NewYears Day I would visit Max and remove the Lavender.

When I got there my Agapantha was still there withering away in the vase, my sisters Holly was still there but there was no Lavender, it was gone. I looked around to see if the wind had blown it away. There was nothing in sight. That was really strange I thought, but it made me happy that it was no longer there and that I didn’t have to remove it.

As I drove away I thought to myself Max didn’t want the Lavender there either. He knew it was bugging me and it was bugging him too. It will always be a mystery as to what happened to the Lavender, I was just happy it was gone forever just like his Father will be forever out of our lives.