Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My Lone Embryo.

Ok so I called the counselor first thing this morning to find out what the call was all about.
She was sending out reminders for embryo storage and my name popped up so she thought she would give me a call to see how things were going. She knew Max was unwell. So I filled her in. That was very kind of her. I could have just been another name on her data system.

I have one frozen embryo left. I thought I had one left but hadn't had any reminders for storage payments so questioned whether I in fact did. But I didn't want to call the clinic to find out because firstly I didn't want to have to make any decisions as to what to do with it, its been a difficult few months and I have been in no state to make big decisions. Secondly I would remind them that I had to pay for storage, in case they had just forgotten to send me the bill, you know.

After having a chat about Max and Boo and donors the Embryo came up. So I asked her what my options were in regards to my lone embryo.
As it turns out I don't have many options. Since I have had extra time to think about it. I had already thought through my options, only I didn't realise that the one that I decided upon would not in fact be an option available to me at all. I had decided that I would have liked to have donated my lone embryo. To give someone the same opportunity that I have had however I found out today that it's not possible because we are using an anonymous donor we don't have permission from him to do so. And also now that Max is deceased I can't make the decision on my own even though he consented when we commenced IVF that I could do what I wish with any remaining embryos upon his death. So that has been scrapped out.

I could transfer the embryo. I would love Boo to have a sibling, but I need to be realistic. Firstly I am 42, it most likely wont happen BUT it might and I don't want to chance transferring it for the sake of transferring in the hope that it doesn't take. That would be a 2WW from hell. Also I really don't think I could be single mother of two, it's challenging with one, I am coping but it is hard work. I take my hat off to those that do it with two or more. If Max was still here, things would most likely be different.

I could donate my embryo to research which I would be happy to do, but apparently they prefer more than one. It may still be an option.

I could request they destroy my embryo. I just can't get my head around this one yet.
I could continue paying for storage. I really can't see the point in this one.
The counselor offered to call me back in 3 weeks to see if I had made a final decision.
So that I have some more time to think about it. I would love to hear others thoughts on this.

Whilst I had the councilor on the line I took the opportunity to ask a question I have been curious about the last few months. The question is whether she knew if Boo had any donor siblings. She said I had to put the request in writing and she could give me the age and sex and D.O.B of any of Boo's donor siblings if there are any. I haven't written her an email yet, but I am going to request the info. I am not sure what I will do with the info when I get it, I suppose it's more for the curiosity. She asked if I wanted to go on the donor registry so if any any donor sibling would like to make contact they can. She also went on to tell me of positive stories about donor sibling parents meeting but there were also not so positive stories. Something else to think about I suppose although very scary.

Boo had a great first day at day care. He was only there for 4 hours I made it a short day for him to start with. I said goodbye and he waved and blew me kisses. I missed him lots. I was home alone part of the day which felt really strange, I could still hear Boo even though he wasn't home. When I went to pick him up he threw a tantrum because he didn't want to leave. A sign he was having too much fun! Boo is one of 4 children the carer looks after on his day there. There is a set of twins, a boy and girl and another little girl. The twins have two mums, so no doubt donor conceived. So 3 out of 4 children in Boo's class are donor conceived children. What are the chances of that?


My heart goes out to all of those affected by the floods in Queensland. I just hope that everybody I know stay safe, thinking of those that have lost their lives and those that are missing are found safely.


A. said...

I am new to following your blog. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you as you continue to consider your options. I am sure that you will make the best choice for you and Boo. I am so, so sorry for your horrible loss.

serenity said...

The embryo decision is... just... well. UGH. I hate the idea of destroying them, but if I was done building my family... honestly, I'd want to donate them to science. For me, I just would want to know that my little potential life could play a tiny part in helping SOMEONE.

But that's me. I'm hoping you find a choice which gives you some measure of peace.


Somewhat Ordinary said...

I am just now starting to sort through my feelings about 1/2 siblings. Our bank has a forum and I've found that there were boy/girl twins born 3 months after my son. M and I haven't really discussed them at length or how we want to move forward. I think what we'll do is have contact with the parent's of the siblings and then as our son gets older let him decide how much of a relationship he wants with them. I'm secretly hoping the mother contacts me first since she has been active on several boards. I'm so curious about these children, but I'm not ready to make the first move. I do know I want to "know" these people on some level for health reasons, but want my son to decide if he wants to have a relationship with them.

That is very cool there are 3 of 4 kids that are donor conceived. My son is in a much larger day care (12 in his room), but there is a little girl with 2 moms in his class. I know it isn't the same as our situation, but I'm glad that he is being exposed to all kinds of family situations early on.

Kristin said...

Honestly V, I can't even begin to make a recommendation about the embryo. Part of me us screaming transfer because the idea of siblings is near and dear to my heart. Part of me is saying donate because the idea of parenting more than one as a single parent is scary. I think the only thing I couldn't do is destroy it (but that is just me and I wouldn't presume to judge if that is your decision).

ecb said...

Interesting. I didn't realise you were allowed to donate to science with donor embryos. I thought I recalled being told that use or destroy were our only options. We have 7. DH doesn't want to use them and I simply cannot bring myself to destroy them. Thus, like you, I'd just been paying for storage knowing that all I am doing is putting off a decision. I had thought the decision I was putting off was destroying them but it seems not. Any ideas what they do with embryos that are donated to science? I must say that option frightens me a little too. Brave of you to be thinking about donor siblings too. I just can't go there. Feels all too loaded for me.

Anonymous said...

I would transfer it.

DaisyGal said...

wow, Vee, that's some decision and it has to be so hard to think about it , now in the wake of the year you've had.

We donated ours to science research..and then about 3 months later, having a talk together decided that we really wanted to donate it to a couple instead. The window has shut and we were told it had already gone to NYC to a research lab.
Looking at your options, if transferring really isn't one that you are considering , then I would donate to research, there can never be too much of that, maybe someone will be able to get PG someday because of the work they do with your embryo. I have to be honest it was a really hard choice either way for us. Once there was a Gio & Jacob, I always thought about their sib. I still do....what would have been?

Good luck deciding...and many many many many hugs from across the world to you. xo

pamela said...

Hello Vee
I just happened on your kind words over on Lori's blog and wanted to call in and give you my sincere condolences for your loss and all you have gone through. I've read through a lot of your posts and seen your beautiful boy and how fantastically you're getting on with your lives. It was a privilage to share. And now you have to face this decision. I wish you well whatever you decide it will be for the best.
much love from england

Bea said...

It would be nice if we could all give you The Right Answer.

I dunno. My current thoughts with our embryos are that we will transfer and see what happens. With one, lone embryo, the chances don't seem that great. But of course, on the off-chance it does work, you are in a totally different situation. It's funny, I am wondering if (legally) you could place that child for adoption at birth and I bet you could, but you can't donate the embryo to someone else right at the start! Not that I am suggesting that. It's just a strange artifact of law. Moving on.

I think you need to know if the research option is available to you with only one embryo. At the moment, you're not totally sure how many options you really have (right?) so let's clear that up first. If it's transfer or destroy... and you can't get your head around either... then I would actually say that maybe keeping on with storage fees for the time being isn't so crazy. You might feel differently once Bubaboo grows up a bit - just a year or two. He's still at quite a young and demanding age, and everything that's happened - Max's death, particularly - is still very fresh and consuming. It would mean paying the fees, which isn't necessarily pretty financially, but some time to heal and settle and reflect might make a lot of difference to your decision.


Gil said...

I'm with Bea on this one. If the only choices are transfer or destroy and you can't fathom either of those right at this moment, then I think that paying for storage until you know which of those options is right, is probably the best thing to do.

Time will tell you definitively what you ought to do for you and your family honey. Until then, continue with the status quo and wait til that moment arrives.

Sending hugs to you and Boo, from us and kisses to Boo from Petite!

Lifeslurper said...


I love that you wanted to donate your embie, but dislike that you are now faced with a dilemma.

The laws must vary so much from state to state, but I understood here in Victoria we has some of the toughest...even so, we were told that we would be able to donate our embryos (made from donor eggs) without any consultation with the donor...that once the eggs were fertilized, they were ours to make any future choices. To me, it seems strange that the DS given anonymously and altruistically could have such a restriction placed on it - as it seems to go against the donor's likely reasons for donating in the first place? If there is some legal requirement in your state to have the donor's permission to donate any embryo's, I wonder if the donor registry would consider contacting the donor on you behalf in order to gain that permission? Arghh! Grrrr!

LS x

Lut C. said...

I suppose they know you too well at the clinic for you to send in someone else on transfer day ...
(stupid idea, you'd risk so much trouble).

It is unfortunate that you can't donate. Is it because the law obliges you to donate anonymously?
Does the law also say that you can't use both sperm and eggs from an anonymous donor (making sure that at least half of your genetic heritage is known)?

Risking transfer, I don't know, why put yourself through the stress of a 2WW, not to mention ...

Donating to science is preferable to destroying in my mind.

I've been thinking of no longer freezing, so I'll have to consider what to in case we have leftover embryos.