Whilst lying in bed this morning giving Boo some morning cuddles I decided today was the day.
Today I did something I have been putting off for quite some time. 8 and half months in fact. I went through all of Max's clothes and put them in bags to give to charity. I knew it would be tough and it was. Really tough. I first started going through my clothes, just so I could get momentum. Boo had been quite well behaved whilst I went through my clothes but I kept getting interrupted I just needed to get into this and not stop. So my sister picked him up after lunch and he spent the rest of the day with her. Once I was done I tackled Max's things. The first drawer I opened was filled with his Summer clothes, his boardshorts were the first thing that I pulled out. I took a deep breath and held on to his boardies and cuddled them like a teddy bear and I sobbed. I smelt them to see if there was any hint of him, there wasn't. I continued to snuggle them and reminisced about the times he bought them and the memories we shared whilst he wore them. The beaches we swam at the holidays we went on. Then I pulled out his Bali Pants he loved his Bali Pants he lived in them at home, he bought 4 pairs when we went to Bali together.
It took all afternoon to go through his clothes, it was a slow process especially when I had to sniff and weep all over each item of clothing. I carefully thought about what I wanted to keep. I would hate to get rid of anything and then regretted it. I kept his collection of superhero T-Shirts which I hope to hand down to Boo someday. I kept his suits, he owned two. Max never owned a suit before he met me. Soon after we met we had a big formal wedding to go to and he wanted to wear a suit and tie. So he went out and bought one, then he lost a whole heap of weight and it no longer fit him so he bought another. He loved wearing it, he felt so special in it and he looked pretty sexy too. Shirts. He had so many shirts! He went from not owning not one shirt to having a wardrobe full of shirts. You see, when I met Max he was a Postman, he was a casual man who wore jeans and t-shirts and road a sexy Honda Shadow. After breaking numerous bones in a motorcycle accident he could no longer be a postman neither walking or on a motorcycle. So the company found him an office job. He had never had an office job before but he loved it. He soon discovered that he also loved getting dressed up for work which meant he also loved collecting work shirts. Which by the way I hated ironing with a passion. There was one shirt hanging in the wardrobe that still had it's sleeves rolled up. Max always rolled his shirt sleeves up. One day Boo was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and for some reason I rolled his sleeves up and my mother commented that he looked just like his Dad. I loved that she noticed.
I kept his scarves, I will certainly be wearing them this winter. He had good taste in scarves. His beanies, all the wonderful beanies that our blogging friends either handmade or purchased and sent him which he wore through his chemo. There is no way I could get rid of them.
So it's finally done. I feel I can breath a bit easier. It took a lot out me emotionally today but I am happy to have my bedroom back into some order. I now have 10 garbage bags filled with clothes siting in my dining room. Two are filled with my clothes and 8 filled with Max's. All going to good homes very soon.
I stood there in my dining room staring at these bags. Does this mean I am moving on? There were Max's material possessions in big plastic bags. I felt like I was getting rid of him. I cried. I had to reassure myself. I am not, these are merely his belongings and no longer needed. Some one else will make good use of them. I was doing it. I did it. I couldn't hold onto them forever could I? Perhaps I could.
The next thing to tackle is Max's personal belongs which is cluttering the home office. His computer desk is now buried. I think this may be even more challenging because it is just that, personal. To see Max's handwriting, to see his drawings and doodles etc. I'll do it. When I am ready.