Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Running.

When we got back from Thailand I had the travel bug. Real bad. My feet where itching so badly. I was scratching so hard they were going to bleed. I wished I had stayed in Phuket longer, 10 days just wasn't long enough. So I researched and researched our next holiday destination. Thinking perhaps I could go to Italy for my cousins wedding in July and visit Max's Mum and brother in France, then I thought I would travel around Australia in a campervan all these ideas where exciting. But stupid, really. Phuket was a good test run for traveling alone with Boo, but Phuket was one destination, one direct flight, it was do-able. To travel to many destinations with many stops with Boo would be really challenging. But I wanted to go. I needed go, I wanted to run, run, run away. I soon realised what I really wanted was to run away from here, this house. I need to get out of this house. I wont call it my home, because a home is where you feel comfortable, somewhere you don't mind hanging out for long periods of time. I don't. Not any more. I wake every morning planning an outing with Boo. Although I love going on our adventures, I would also like to be able to stay in on an occasion and feel comfortable. The days we do stay at home, are horrible for both us. And I have done that pretty much every day since Max died, running, and I never realised I was doing it. Running away with out really going anywhere. This house is small and cluttered, it never really recovered after moving stuff around to cater for Max's needs, it never really recovered from the fundraiser that took over my house. I try and and organise things but all I am doing is shuffling. I keep shoving things into the office. The office is wall to wall full of stuff I don't have any where to put. It is also still untouched with Max's things. Things I haven't been able to bring myself to go through yet. Another reason to leave is that my sticky beak of a neighbor is making paranoid. Her compulsive lies have gotten out of hand, they now include me. She has been telling other neigbours that the neighborhood has gone down hill since we moved here, they used to have neighbourly BBQ's every Sunday now they don't. Seriously, that never happened no one goes near her house, never mind socialise with her. I am apparently telling people that she divorced her husband not that he died. Me? I rarely talk to my neighbours never mind talk to them about her! The landlord helped me put a privacy screen up so she could no longer snoop in my backyard,. He knows what she is like he used to live here before us.  She complained to Council and made us take it down. There are more episodes but I wont waste my time on her.  I don't need to be around her, I need to feel comfortable at home and not feel stressed. So it's time we move.

 I was looking into buying something, having a sea change. Live by the beach, it's my dream to live by the beach. The only place that is affordable is about one and half hours away.  Sydney beaches are ridiculously expensive and a no go zone unfortunately. I was quite excited by the idea, but when I looked into it it meant I would have to put all my savings into it as well as a loan. I would be paying the loan off and would have nothing to spare if there was any emergencies or any problems to fix with the house. Also the distance could be a factor, I would be too far from my parents, I would still make the trip down once a week to see them but I couldn't just pop over if they needed me for something. Also at the moment I do rely on my network of friends and family, even though I do have few internet friends by the beach who I would love to live close to it wouldn't be the same. My sister most of all I rely on, even if I just pop over for an afternoon it's still feels like I am getting a break with Boo as her and her family spend time with him. So I ditched the idea but only for now. I am considering reassessing in a couple of years and hopefully doing it then.

So for now I am going to have to pay more rent and move, I can't find anything for the price I am paying now for a 3 bedroom house unless I move further out west or up in the mountains ( Hi Eden!)  if I do that then I may as well move to the beach.  The paying of more rent sucks because it means I have to dip into my savings to pay the rent, but if it means my sanity then it will be worth every cent.

So for now I search and hope. I need this, I need a new beginning. I will never forget Max and all the time we spent in this house. The good, the bad and the very ugly. But it's time for a fresh start.

14 comments:

Carolyn said...

I've not posted for a while - sorry about that - I should have been here typing support for you loudly too...

Go to where YOU are happy. Take Boo and all the beautiful Max Memories with you...

You go and fly!!!

edenland said...

HI! *Waves furiously*

That neighbour is a fucking mole, seriously. SERIOUSLY. As I was reading through I thought ..... up with meeeee - but, I think you should be around your family down there too. And I can tell how much you love the beach. I think the beach is blowing the cobwebs out of your soul, sweetheart.

I'm putting Rocco to bed right now, and emailing you tonight. It's game on, for our secret project. Oh yes.

LOVE YOU XOXOXOXOOXOXXO

BigP's Heather said...

I would love to live near the beach too. Hope you can find something that isn't too expensive and get away from that neighbor.

serenity said...

I saw your FB post about it, too. I think it's a really good idea to find a HOME. Where you and Boo will be comfortable.

Cheering you on. May you find a place near the beach where you can BREATHE.

xoxo

PaleMother said...

Here's to fresh starts. Lots of love to you, Vee. And Boo, too. :)

XXOO

Kristin said...

I hope the fresh start gives your heart a much needed chance to heal a bit.

stink-bomb said...

i hope you can find somewhere that feels like home as much as possible Vee

~x~

jill said...

Wishing you lots of luck finding a new place! It must be a hard decision to make but it takes courage to admit to yourself what is not feeling right, and do something to change it.

cas said...

Your neighbour sounds awful, good luck finding something suitable Vee.. you and Boo deserve it! Shame you are just too far out of the way for up here.. maybe one day like you say!

casx

Anonymous said...

That's a wonderful idea. Do find a nice house to rent, a place you can call home.

Maybe I'm going too far and intruding here, but I was wondering, you aren't working now, are you? Wouldn't you welcome a change in that area too?

Princess Jo said...

Love it . And I can entirely relate to the running feeling .

Lut C. said...

A nasty neighbor can really spoil everything.
It's a shame.

Going for a fresh start sounds like a good idea. It'll will be a challenge to do all that needs doing. Especially sorting through all the stuff. I hope you have help around.

Bea said...

It sounds like you are making progress, honing in on what you are looking for for the time being (although I still hold out that beach house dream... and I am sure the travelling will become easier than that even sooner, although the one may compete with the other financially!) It sounds as if you have come to a sensible decision, considering all factors. So now I'll hope that you happen across the ideal place for less than you thought possible.

Bea

maytey said...

I feel your pain Vee! That is a sucky situation. As you know, the only solution we can find is to move back to NZ. We were very interested in Newington, saw some seriously lovely houses there with gardens. But as you said, could be a bit isolated. Unknown quantity. What about the northern beaches, is there nowhere affordable there? It's great that you now know you need to move soon though, it will help a lot I'm sure. Holidays can be so good for clarifying things, can't they.
Sorry I haven't read this till now, have been ignoring Google Reader during flu bout. xxx