The Questions.

I was dripping wet just out of the pool for Bubbaboos swim class, getting him dried and dressed first.
There was one of the other Mums in the class beside me doing the same, she has a little boy John. It was the first time we had met.

John's Mum: How old is Bubbaboo?
Me: He is 13 months.
JM: John is 9 months. Is he your only one?
Me: yes, he is my only one.
JM: Yeah John is our only one too, but we are trying for another. Not sure how long it will take.
Will you be having any more?
Me: Umm, no he will be my only one. My husband passed away a few months ago.
JM: Oh I am so sorry. Was it sudden?
Me: No, he had cancer.
JM: How are you coping?
Me: Oh... OK I suppose, I have good days and bad days. Bubbaboo keeps my occupied.
JM: Yeah I bet he does. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Me: Thanks so much.
JM: See you next week.
Me: See you.
And she left.

After Max passed away, I wanted to join a playgroup but I was scared of the questions asked by other parents about "his father" You know the ones that come up as part of a casual conversation eg. "Oh what does your hubby do for work?" I wasn't ready for the questions because as soon as Max was mentioned I would fall apart and cry hysterically and I didn't want to put any strangers in an awkward situation. So I didn't join and still haven't.
But as time passes I can feel I am healing, I am coping better with these sort of situations. I still cry but usually in in private.
I wondered after my conversation with Johns Mum whether I should have told her that Max had passed away at all. Did I put her in an awkward situation? I could have just left it at "Umm, no he will be my only one." But then she may assume that I only wanted one child, which isn't true. But then it wasn't only Max's passing that ruled out having only one and I wasn't about to tell her about my whole IF history. Since we will be in the same swim class, I am sure the "hubby" question would come eventually, so best to get it over with from the start, I suppose. I thought she coped with it quite well.

There was another situation yesterday at the shopping centre. I was browsing in a small shop and Bubbaboo kept smiling at this old man who waddled along with a walking stick. We bumped into him a few times, not literally.
Old Man to Bubbaboo: Oh you are such a happy boy you are still smiling. ( In a Northern European accent)
Me: Smiling- Yes he is a happy boy.
OM: He must have happy parents? Are you happy?
Me: I try to be. He makes me happy.
I was cornered in a very narrow isle in the shop there was no way out or I would have just moved on now.
OM: And his father, is he happy?
Me: Umm his father passed away a few moths ago. (truth was that Max wasn't the happiest he had freakin' cancer. Would you be happy?)
He was looking down at Bubbaboo in the pram and I was pretending to look at something on the shelf. I could tell he was thinking. He looked up at me.
OM: It must be lonely?
Me: Yes it can be.
By this stage I really needed to get out of the isle so I squeezed passed him, trying to not knock the old man over with the pram. As I walked passed him he patted me on the back.
OM: You are still young.
WTF?

I suppose it's a bit like infertility, to tell or not to tell. "Are you going to have children?" Do you answer "I am infertile?" That would put them in an awkward situation and I would never have said it to someone I hardly knew. Yet telling people that my husband has died also puts them in an awkward situation. I wonder if people cope better with a conversation about death than they do with infertility. Death is a part of life but IF is still taboo. I tell because I want people to know how it is. Life isn't always rosey, people are in all sorts of different situations. I don't want their sympathy. I want them to go away and cherish their day and their families because life can be short. But having said that I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

I know I could have written  this post better but I have a huge premenstrual headache and I needed to get this out whilst it was rattling in my head. So apologies in advance if it is misunderstood.

Do you think it's same, same but different?
How would you cope/react in these situations?

Too Cute To Eat!

Thank you all for your birthday wishes. My day started off in tears, I miss Max so much. I put on his aftershave I wanted him to be with me all day and he was. Every time I got a whiff of his scent, it made me smile.  I ended up having a lovely day, I went out for lunch with some family at a local club, put $5 in the pokies and lost it. Had some fun play with Bubbaboo in their ball pool.  Then had dinner at my sisters place with my Mum and Dad where she had a great birthday cake for me. I am so lucky I have my boy and my family who always help me get through those challenging days.

My birthday cake, it was too cute to eat!

******************************************************************************

 I thought I would share some pics of what Bubbaoo got up to today. I love that he is such a hands on kid. He doesn't mind getting his hands dirty at all. Oh and of course he had to taste the paint which meant he ended up with red lipstick. Too cute!

The blank canvas. The fun begins!

He quickly discovered

that painting with his hands

was a lot more fun than a paintbrush.

And the end result is now hanging in my living room.

His Gift

Well tomorrow is my birthday so yesterday I went and bought myself a gift. The gift is really from Max, it is something he had always wanted to buy me. Many times we would step into a shop and have a look around but he never had the energy to hang around in there for long. He was going to buy it online but once again his time on the computer became limited due to how uncomfortable he was. He knew I would have loved it and really wanted me to have one. It was a gift that he wanted to get me for no particular occasion, just because he loved me. Buying the gift was one of those many things that got slipped aside because there were more important things to deal with. So he never bought me the gift, until yesterday.
Max bought me a silver Pandora bracelet with four really symbolic charms for my birthday. I love it and will always cherish it. I intend to buy a charm every year for my birthday as a gift from Max, each one representing something very special.

Max loved buying me jewelry, he had a great knack for buying things I loved. I have so many beautiful pieces from him. They are not all expensive except for my very stunning diamond ring he bought me for our 6th wedding anniversary, but they are all very beautiful and very special.

Thank you my beautiful husband I wish you were here to celebrate with me and give a birthday kiss and hug in the morning. I miss you lots x

" Your combination of charms is a unique celebration of who you are. It's about being true to yourself- and making your unforgettable moments last forever" Pandora.

AAAH! = HELLO!

My Bubbaboo is really friendly. I mean reeeeally friendly. He smiles at complete strangers and they all have to comment on his smile or his eyes.  Well he does have a gorgeous but cheeky smile and his big blue eyes with long eyelashes are pretty amazing, ok maybe I am biased. But he demands attention from strangers, for eg. we walk into a shop and if he notices someone in there while I am doing whatever I have to do in the shop, he will yell out to them AAAH!. Which is his way of saying HELLO! and if he doesn't get their attention he will yell it at them over and over until he finally gets their attention. Once he gets their attention he gives them his cheeky smile. His mission accomplished. One time he was driving me nuts whilst waiting in a queue with his constant AAAH!, AAAH!, AAAH! I actually told the lady that was totally ignoring him that he was in fact saying hello to her just to shut him up, so she would say hello back and he would be happy. I must say it is pretty cute though. He does have the knack of getting the attention of the strangest people and I end having to have a chat to them when really I just want to get on with I need to do, instead I am left listening to a complete STRANGEr telling me about her, sisters, brother in law, dogs owner, neighbour, son how many teeth he had.

So when he gets their attention and they have said hello and acknowledged him, they usually ask two questions.
How old is he? and What's his name?
I am fine with them asking how old he is but what's his name? What's it to them ? It's not like they are ever going to see him again to call him by name. They usually comment and say what a wonderful name it is once I tell them... but I am never quite comfortable with telling them. I don't tell complete strangers my name, well come to think of it I don't tell them how old I am either. I have been thinking lately I may make up some bogus name for him for strangers, like Bubbaboo but then I thought I would have to stay and chat longer explaining where that name came from, perhaps I should call him John, nice and simple. I realise I can only do it for so long because once he understands and can say his own name well I am sure he will step in.

So I have two questions.
How do you feel about people asking you childs name?
Do you ask strangers children their name, knowing you will never see them again?

Our Little Spring Holiday.

I started my holiday in tears, I left the house with the car totally packed, my beautiful son in the back but I had no one in the passenger seat. Max should have been with us, this was going to be the kind of holiday we loved and often enjoyed together, but the seat was empty and I sobbed as I drove and left the house. I finally pulled myself together because crying and driving is a bit like drink driving, it shouldn't be done.

Our little holiday was all I had hoped it was and more. Bubbaboo and I have had an awesome time it was only for 3 nights 4 days, and we squeezed so much into that time yet still managed to relax too and we didn't even move from where we were staying. I love that! Only the first day before we checked in we had fish and chips in the park and some play time with some gorgeous online and friends and their bubs and then the other days everyone came to visit with their bubs. It was really nice to interact with other Mums and and Bubs, I missed out on joining any mothers groups when Bubbaboo was born because so much of my time was filled with looking after Max. Although I had met these friends before, bar one, it was great to catch up and do things that mothers do with their children. Bubbaboo had a great time and went to bed exhausted everyday. We did lots of swimming in the heated pool, played at the beach where Bubbaboo ate lots and lots of sand, splashed in rock pools, we had a BBQ lunch. I saw dolphins swimming in the bay from my patio, I woke up to a local Cockatoo that had been taught to say FUCK YOU!* over and over again and I went to bed with sound of the waves every day. My dream come true. I watched the birds and smelt the flowers, stared at the stars that were the brightest I have ever seen. The weather was perfect every day. Bubbaboo did lots of bum shuffling on the floorboards, it's a lot easier than the carpet we have at home, he had lots of standing practice after watching his little friends all standing.

I missed Max terribly, but I did feel his presence every single day. Max and I spent a lot of time on holidays on the Central Coast, there were lots of memories around, most of them wonderful. He would have loved this holiday. Bubbaboo was so layed back and just took in his environment, he so much like his Mummy and Daddy. I am looking forward to going on many holidays with my boy.

* no joke! At first I thought he was saying "thank you" really badly but he wasn't.

Neighbours

I have lovely neighbours, well mostly. I live in a quiet street with a wonderful huge park at the end of a dead end street.

There is Don & Mardge who live directly across the road, they are in their 70's. Marge has colon cancer and after being in remission it has returned. She has just completed a course of radiotherapy and it has hit her hard, just like it did Max. As I was putting the pram in the car on Friday preparing to visit my Mum, I waved at Don as he was bringing in his bin and asked how Marge was going. He crossed over the road and told me she wasn't doing very well. She is not eating, she can't keep anything down he said. I felt for him, he was on the verge of tears. All the feelings I had when Max went through the same thing rushed back to me. I wanted to give him a hug. Instead I told him what my GP told me when I went and saw her, crying that Max was no longer eating. "He will not die of starvation" and it was true. It's horrible watching your loved one not being able to eat a thing, I think the worst part is that you feel so helpless. And that is exactly what Don said. A couple of weeks ago I took her over some minestrone which she managed to keep down then. Then I took them over heaps of left over food from Bubbaboos birthday, even if Marge wasn't going to eat it at least Don had a couple of meals out of it. That night I took them some chicken and corn soup that I had made especially for Marge and also took her over heaps of vomit bags I had left over from Max. Hoping she wont need them after the chicken and corn soup I made but well there are no guarantees with these things. There were so many stages through Max's treatment where the vomit bags were his best friend, we even nicknamed the Vommy. We had them floating all over the house "just in case" I still have one in my car. They are both very grateful, and I am just happy to be able to help them because I have been there.

Then there is Eddie who is 87 and lives at the end of the street beside the park. He is a sweety, he often walks past with his Jack Russel and stops to have a chat. I hear him driving up the road every morning to buy the paper in his old rattling VW Beetle. Earlier in the week I realised I hadn't heard or seen him for a few weeks. Then on Friday not long after chatting to Don, Eddie walked up the road with a walking stick. He waved hello and I asked where he had been. He told me he had been hospital because he fell off a stool and hurt his back. He excused himself for not stopping to chat but he had a bus to catch and off he went. By then I had packed the car got Bubbaboo in and was driving up the road and I caught I up to Eddie, I pulled down my window and asked where he was going. He said he was going up to the local shops I told him to jump in and I would give him a lift. It was only two bus stops away and he looked like he was struggling walking with his stick. He told me he just had to go the newsagency and then go home so I told him I would wait and take him back home he was only going to be there for 5 mins. When I drove him back home he told me his car had been written off hence why he was catching a bus. I asked whether he went up to get his lottery tickets in. "Oh yes" he confessed "I get them every week" I chuckled to myself and thought what is it with old people who religiously buy their lottery tickets? And you know what? It's the oldies that always win. When he got out of the car, he said thanks so much and that he really appreciated it and that he owed me a favour. I told him he didn't owe me anything and any time he needed a ride he could just ask.

Then there is Grant and Melissa who have two young boys. They are lovely, I was joking with Grant one day I needed to change my light globes but 2 had gone out and I was waiting for the third to go out so I could change them all at once to save me pulling the ladder out again. He had his ladder out on the weekend so he sent his 12 year old son over to see if he could change my light globes. So sweet.

Next door to them is Hugh who I have never met before, but he came to my fundraiser with Grant and the kids. He came up to me during the day and pointed at the photo of Max I had up that day and asked did Max ever work for a particular company. Yes I answered, you wouldn't believe what a small world it is but back in the 90's Max was Hugh's boss. He lives right across the road. Max taught Hugh how to play computer games at work, what a great boos hey? Max would have loved to have known he was right there.

Then there are the neighbours who are two doors down, who helped Max after he had his fall that time and broke his humerous bone. They are always asking how I am and how Babbaboo is.

THEN there is the witch directly next door who has obsessive compulsory disorder. She is a real sticky beak and I am sure she is a compulsive liar because some of the stories she has told me in the past are just unbelievable and she has told other neighbours different things. She lives with her 30 something year old son who has mild autism. He is lovely. But she is always yelling at him and putting him down, it's horrible I feel like yelling at her! Last Christmas they saved a 6 year old Labrador from the dog pound. Three months later the dog was dead. We didn't know this until our landlord had been chatting to her and she told him that she thought that the dog had been poisoned by humans medication. My first thought when he told me was Oh gosh I hope she doesn't blame us.She is that sought of a person. Sure enough that week we had the RSPCA at our door asking questions. She knew what we were going through and that Max was really unwell. Max was really annoyed but I was really peeved. How could she blame us ? Us, animal lovers who would have a menagerie if we could. Well there was no proof. We used to be friendly with her say hi that sort of thing but always kept our distance, but not any more. She always tries to get my attention and I totally ignore her. It was the last thing we needed on our plates whilst Max was so unwell.

On the other side of us we have new neighbors who moved in on the weekend. I waved hi yesterday,  I hope they are friendly.

When I was working I never used to interact with my neighbours it was usually leave for work drive home close the door and it was just Max and I in our coccoon. But now that I am home and have Bubbaboo, we are always outdoors either going to the park or in the garden or off to somewhere. I get to see the neighbours more often

I don't really know how long I can afford to stay in this house, but it is one of those decisions I need to make soon. When Max and I moved here I didn't like it, I felt like I was so isolated. I am far from my parents and most of my friends live on the north side where I grew up. I am close enough to my siblings here, so that is a positive. The side of the suburb I am on is lovely and quiet and the huge park at the end of the street is great and I use it with Bubbaboo often. I am just worried that if I move due to affordability I may have to move further away. I need my family and friends. I feel like it's a big effort for them to come and visit as it is if I am further away I will surely be forgotten.
Well that was a long and rambling post that started in one place and ended up somewhere completely unexpected...blaaah well that is the way my head is at the moment....EVERY WHERE but the bottom line is......It's a decision I need to make, but don't have the energy to think about it right now.

Have you had to move away from family & friends when you really needed them, how did you cope?

I am going away for a few days this week with Bubbaboo, meeting up with some wonderful online friends who have bubs the same age as Bubbaboo. I am really looking forward to it. Bubbaboo and I really need a change of scenery and some interaction with Mums and Bubs will be perfect.

A Post About Nothing.

I have so much to write about but I have nothing. I am really frustrated that I just can't gather my thoughts and get them out. I don't know why, I don't know if it's because I am just too tired or its' because my brain just doesn't work any more and I can't express myself. I know time is a big factor the only real time I get in a big chunk is when Bubbaboo is down of a night by then I am pretty exhausted.

I don't like that time is passing and I am not getting things out. And when I do feel like writing it's about something that I can't really write about because I haven't written about what has happened prior so everything will be out of sync and just not make sense. I feel like I need to sit down for a couple of days and just get it all out to try and catch up. That is not likely to happen, now as a single mum to a one year old who loves to get into everything and demands attention constantly, my chances are pretty much nil.

So I will give you some photos, because I don't want you to leave with nothing. And thanks for listening.

Outside Sydney Town Hall, George St, City stuck at traffic lights.

My Bubbaboo. I love him in this hat,
he is starting to get used to wearings hats,
which is great because summer is just around the corner.

Resting In Peace.

Max's ashes were finally buried last Friday, he is now resting in peace. Minus his plaque.
You may recall that I was struggling writing his epitaph. But I did it and I got it done in time so I could have his memorial done the day before his birthday. I just started typing a post about the events of that morning but I was getting angry, again. I was totally fuming I cried and let out swear words left right and centre and writing about it just made me bring on the emotions again. So in brief there was no record of his plaque or a booking for his memorial, yeah you would be pretty pissed too right?.....anyway....

His memorial went ahead but minus his plaque, which wont be ready for ANOTHER 6 WEEKS! Sorry it still makes me really angry. Ok breath, it's pointless getting angry all over again.

There was a small gathering of my family and also our GP who really wanted to be there. She had missed his funeral because she was overseas. My Mum couldn't make it as she was still in hospital, but she wrote Max a poem which I am yet to read, I am not ready to read it yet. I was going to read the same poem from Max's funeral but I was too emotional so I asked my nephew to read it for me.
After the poem was read, I took Max's urn in my hands and kissed him a final goodbye and placed it in his plot whilst the tears streamed down and the sobs commenced. I took a little spade of sand and buried Max. It was so strange to be holding him in my hands. I just couldn't believe it was him, my beautiful Max, there in a jar. Life is so cruel. Bubbaboo sat by side and helped me shovel the sand in. Then everyone had a turn to place some sand in the hollow until his urn was fully buried. I had printed out the words that would go on his plaque and it was stuck down temporarily on his plot. That was the best I could do in the time I had.  I was so disappointed. I took Max some Australian native flowers, the same kind he wanted on his coffin and placed them beside him. My sister picked some Lavender from her garden and placed them also. Max often reminisced of playing in the Lavender fields in the French countryside as a child so they were perfect. I so hope Max is resting now, I know I wont be completely content till his plaque is in place but I hope he is ok without it.
It was a truly challenging and emotional day.

Rest In Peace My Beautiful Husband.

Bubbaboo visiting his Daddy on Sunday, Fathers Day.

Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day Max!
You were an awesome Daddy to your son, even if it was only for a short while. I will make sure Bubbaboo will never forget you.
We love you and miss you lots xx

Bubbaboo's First Birthday

Wonderful cake that I helped a friend make for Bubbaboo's Party.

He is One! My boy is one. I can't believe I have been a Mum for a year and I made it. There have been so many struggles but to focus on the positives it has been truly amazing, Bubbaboo is amazing! I adore that boy, there is so much love in my heart for him that it will explode and I know he loves me too. The first time he showed me that he loved me and wanted me was the evening of Max's funeral over 3 months ago. I was staying at my sisters and had lots of family around he was to go down for the night so to give me a rest everyone else was dealing with him but he wouldn't settle for them. It came to inconsolable screaming so I went in and gave him a cuddle and he fell straight to sleep in my arms with no fuss, he wanted me, his Mum. That's when he first showed me he loved me and he needed me, he couldn't have done it at a better time. Now he shows me in many ways, he extends his arms for a cuddle and gives me sloppy kisses on my cheeks or rests his forehead on mine as a kiss. He is constantly smiling and laughing and giggling, he makes me laugh every day which is just so precious to me and I thank him so much for it.

On Thursday, his actual birthday, after giving him loads of birthday kisses and cuddles, we went to visit my Mum in hospital. I took a small cake so we could celebrate with her. He had lots of nice Nonna time. Then I took him to the park on his new trike I bought him for his birthday, he loves it and says bbbrrrrrm when he is on it. I actually thought about Bubbaboos birth that day, the day he was born and how much joy he bought Max and I. The smile on Max's face was just priceless, a moment I will never forget. So that's what birthdays are really about  hey, who would have thought. I didn't now that before now. I am forever grateful for giving birth to a beautiful live baby.

Checking out the Sydney view from his Nonna's hospital bed.

On Sunday we had a big party for him at home with family and friends, there were over 50 people. My Mum was allowed out of hospital for a few hours to celebrate with us, that was very precious. Lucky I have an amazingly huge backyard which is perfect for parties. I hired some play equipment for the kids to play on since they were all, bar one, a lot older than Bubbaboo and they had a ball. I organised some games with prizes, pass the parcel , Pin the Nose on the Clown and I had a Pinata that we didn't get to use at the fundraiser. It was a great day, Bubbaboo had loads of fun playing with all the other kids and getting tossed from adult to adult. He really is a little social butterfly and he doesn't mind a bit. It was a huge day for me though. I ended up in bed at 8pm with a mega headache and loads of mess to clean up the next day. But it was all worth it. You only turn one once!
I just wish Max was here to witness his son growing into this wonderful little being. He would be just so proud.

Playing with his trike at his birthday party.

Happy first birthday my precious son. Mummy loves you soooooo much!