Friday, May 27, 2011

The Letter

 Ever since Max's year anniversary I have been thinking about his father a lot. I had been doing really well thinking of him as dead, but subconsciously it is still eating me up. I decided to write him a letter. I haven't sent it to him and not even sure I will, but I just needed to get a few things off my chest, tell it to him how it is.

Dear D,

You are probably wondering why I am writing to you. Well, it is something I need to do to help with my grieving process.

Just to let you know, I did not advise you of Max's passing because that was his wish. I granted that. I know you know that.

I need to tell you how very disappointed I am at the way you treated Max, your dying son. You could have easily made his last days happier yet you made no effort to. Do you blame yourself for his death? Don't do that, don't play the sympathy card. However you can blame yourself for adding to your sons unhappiness. All he ever wanted from you was your love, as a Father. He reached out to you many times yet you kept pushing him away. Trying to help him when it was not necessary by finding some "miracle drug" which Max had researched many times and only to make yourself feel good,  not supporting him through the choices he made when he needed you most. You knew your son was dying and you walked away. Just like that. How easy it was for you, just to walk away. What Father does that, disown their dying son, for no reason that either Max or myself could ever comprehend, during a time of need?

You bought a knew Puppy because your other dog was dying and you didn't want your second dog to be lonely when he died. What did you do for your son when you knew he was dying? Nothing. You didn't even come to visit him. Sit by his side, hold his hand, kiss his forehead. The last couple of months for Max were very difficult. He was in a lot of pain, he was skin and bones, he had no strength he fell over many times and broke bones. I was his full time carer looking after my sick husband and a baby, it wasn't til the last few weeks of his life that I asked for help and there everyone was, my family and our friends all helping out looking after YOUR son. YOUR beautiful son. Everybody loved him and they showed it in anyway they could. You didn't even know him never mind loving him, you never asked what he was up to, you never asked about his interests, his hobbies, his work. He felt like he could never live up to your expectations, yet he was happy with what he had achieved in his life,  he was happy in our life together, he loved being a father to his beautiful son. He was a great father for the short time that he was one. He was so excited that he called you and told you that our son was born, you would have been more excited if he told you he had a bought a puppy dog, that was what he told me. He was so disappointed in you, something great had happened in his life that he wished to share with his own Father and you didn't even care enough to come and meet your grandson or even send a card. Instead you pushed Max further away and no more words were ever spoken.

Max appreciated that you bought him out to Australia, a country he loved and called his home, but he told me that you always made him feel like he owed you something for it. You can can never do something just for good, you always expect something in return, even if it is just to feed your huge ego. I was never bought up like that so I find it difficult to understand. If my parents gave Max an apple they gave him that apple with all their love and heart, they never expected anything in return, it's because they loved your son just like one of their own.

Your sons needed you and for one of them it's too late. When my son is old enough and asks about his Grandfather, I will be telling him the truth, as I know it. That he never cared about his Father, he didn't love him and he didn't want to meet his grandson. But that is ok, because our boy has all the love that he needs, he will grow up knowing that his Father would be proud of anything that he pursues as long as he is happy and healthy that is all that matters. He certainly wont be missing you in his life.

Goodbye D.

"Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle" Soren Kierkegaard


What do you think? Should I send it to him? I know I feel better for writing it.


Kristin said...

It makes me so sad that D turned away from Max like that.

As for sending the letter, I guess it depends on what you expect. I personally would send it but I would send it with the knowledge that I would probably never hear anything from D about it. In fact, I would probably hope He didn't try and contact me about the letter. As long as you send the letter without expecting anything in return, I say send it. Maybe, just maybe, that letter will wake D up just a little bit and his other sons won't miss out on him forever.

{{{Hugs}}} and love coming your way.

maytey said...

I would say don't send it. Once words are in print you can never take them back, even if you do mean them. And once you've sent it you will always be wondering what his response was, whether he will reply, etc. It just drags it out even longer. I think you've done what you needed to for closure, and if you ever see him you will know exactly what to say, or you can even give the letter to him then. I guess I'm just saying maybe it's better to move on and have him out of your life and out of your mind. x

Leah - Bogue Living said...

Gosh, such a heartbreaking letter, Max deserved better than that by a long shot. You all do.

I would say to not send it until you've sat on it awhile. It is too late for him to make an effort for Max. I can't imagine he will react in any way that will soothe any of additional grief his shabby treatment has heaped on top of your grief from losing your beloved husband. Some people are just a waste of our ongoing efforts and the best thing we can do for ourselves is to disengage, even if we are only engaging in our minds ... sending the letter will engage you even more.

That said, who's to say that actually sending it will not be the best and final way to let it go? If it is still eating you after awhile, I say send it then and see. He might say something that helps you let it go.

Anonymous said...

What a heartbreaking letter. Hugs. Really just an awful situation.

About sending it? I suppose it really all has to do with what your expectations are in terms of outcome.

I really like what Leah said- there's nothing he can do now for Max, or you, or Boo, that would really FIX everything he did wrong. Or change the person he is now.

But if it's something you NEED to do, even if there's no response or engagement from him, in order to heal?

You'll know it from sitting with it for a little while.

Hugs, sweetie.


Nikki said...

I think it is absolutely wonderful that you wrote that letter, I'm sure you feel a heck of a lot better for letting all of that out.

As for whether you should send it or not-- if it were me, I'd base my decison on what Max would want me to do. Think of what he'd think, and then follow your gut on it, with Max in mind.

I do agree though, that if you do decide to send it, send it without any expectations of a response.

foxy said...

What a powerful set of words. I can only guess that it felt good to get those thoughts out of your head and onto paper. If only there was a simple answer that could determine whether to send the letter or not.

There is clearly so much pain and grief and loss associated with this relationship, and so much history. and yet, I tend to assume that people try to do the best they can with what they have. I always wonder if there are reasons why certain people can't or don't show love. It is not an excuse, but more an explanation for things that I can't otherwise make sense of.

I don't know your history with this man, beyond what you've shared in this letter, but I do know that this is the man who brought your Max into this world. If only for that, well, is there any part of Max that loved this man?

I hope that I'm not offering too much in the way of an answer, because clearly this is a complicated and emotional situation to be sorting out. But your letter makes me think about certain relationships in my own family, ones that have caused much pain and trauma.

i trust Vee that you will know how to proceed. let us know, okay?

Lut C. said...

A heartbreaking situation between Max and his father.

I don't know about sending it. What if you responds by wanting to be more a part of Boo's life. Would you be ok with that?

Kir said...

my heart hurts knowing that his dad acted that way. I hope that even if you never send that letter that you got all those things out of your gracious and open heart....Max's dad is "less" for doing what he did, you are MORE for loving him the way you did/do.

whatever your decision, I am right behind you.