Wednesday, May 25, 2011

He Who Must Not Be Named

I have been in a real slump the last few weeks. I am struggling, today I really came crashing down. Nothing seems to be going my way. Lot's of things are going through my head, ideas, thoughts, to do lists, Max, grieving, etc etc. I so want a new home, but I just can't find anything suitable, if I move and have to pay more money I really want to be able to tick all the right boxes. I keep imagining us in our knew home and all the things I want to do, but I can't. So I wait.

Boo has become challenging, he is adorable and amazing and a wonderful little character and I love him to bits but he is into EVERYTHING! He has also had a bad cold so is really snotty and keeps him awake of a night which means I am up all night too. I am tired. Trying to get the usual things done around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing and looking after and entertaining him on my own all the time bar one day when he is at daycare is exhausting. I take my hat off to all the single parents out there that have more than one. I have also caught his cold, which is making feel pretty miserable.

Then this morning, actually yesterday morning, something happened. I pooed lots of blood, it scared the crap out of me (excuse the pun). Sorry if it's too much information but yeah, I went to the loo yesterday and the bowl was full of blood and this morning was the same. Then I went to Dr Google and I didn't like what I read, so I took myself to my GP tonight. She stuck a thing up my bum, think pap smear, and it bled and bled it took her by surprise. She seems to think it's an internal haemorrhoid and I am so pleased if it is what it is. Because my mind was racing and thinking of the C word. So hopefully some suppositories will do the job. Phew!

I hadn't seen my GP in a while, considering we used to see her a couple of times a week when Max was alive, but it's a good thing I suppose. She even said she thought we had disowned her when I walked in to see her. We have a pretty good relationship, she tells me how it is even if it's not what I want hear. I always walk out of her surgery in tears, I walk out of there and tell the receptionists that she has done it again and blow my nose, and we have a laugh. I usually cry because she talks about Max with me, she knew him. She has know him for about 9 years. I love that she can speak his name so freely. Not many people do that, actually only my Mother does that. I wish more people would speak about him, remember that he was here. He was real. He is no Lord Voldemort. After Max passed away I actually gave her one of Max's artworks printed and framed. It hangs in her surgery. Coincidentally it is "Think Big" His pink elephant artwork that is on the postcards that Alexandra printed and also one of the artworks now hanging at the Cancer ward. That is why what Eden and Alexandra did is so very special to me, it made others speak his name, remember him, remember Max. I tell people about what they did, so I can speak Max's name and they can speak of him too. He deserved that so much. I still tear up just thinking how bloody amazing the whole art caper thing is.


maytey said...

Big hug from me Vee. I can definitely empathise about your exhaustion. It's a bit of grief in itself when your easygoing baby turns into a toddler with definite preferences, and a whole new way of expressing them. I have been struggling with that a bit myself this week. And doing it all on your own would be very relentless.

Glad your *problem* is probably something simple! It sucks getting something embarrassing; you can't complain to everyone! Just as well you have us ;) Great that you have such a good GP, and reception staff too by the sound of it. And so lovely about Max's artwork. He would be proud to see it there :)


tinsenpup said...

Being a single mum to an only child can be such an intense unrelenting relationship at times. There will probably be other times in the future however, where you share a special closeness because of it and you know that each new challenge that you face with him will pass in time. I'm sorry that you have to experience all the frustration and joy without Max.

Kristin said...

I can't imagine how tough it must be to manage the demanding neediness of a toddler on your own...especially when he is sick.

I am still in awe of the art project to remember Max. His work is truly amazing and I'm glad it spread the word about him and his work to a whole new group of people.

Glad your scare is probably nothing.

alexandra said...

When you mention that few say Max's name, I thought of the irony in THINK BIG.

There is a huge elephant in the room, but he made it bright and colorful - an elephant in a room demanding to be seen and smiled at and spoken of, shouting his name around the globe. There will be no silence and pretending that elephant is not there. Brilliant.

Lut C. said...

My comment got eaten, not that it was much.

Hats off to all single parents - I don't know how you do it.

I hope your GP is on the right track and you can soon forget all about it.

It's easy to shy away from mentioning a missing loved one.
Learning when might be the right time to mention the unmentionable is tricky.

luna said...

I love what you write about the need to talk about max, that he was real. it's sad there are so few people you can process that with in person.

that art caper thing was/is bloody amazing. the whole thing is brilliant. really a gift that keeps on giving, made more special by all those who can share and enjoy it.

glad to hear it is probably just a hemorrhoid scaring the crap out of you. I hear warm epsom salt baths work wonders.