Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Grief Has A Lot To Answer For.

It's a year next week since Max died, a whole fucking year! Some days I really can't believe he has gone. I look at his photo attached to my computer screen and I shake my head in disbelief. Like I expect him to walk in from work, or shuffle his way into the computer room and sit at his computer beside me, playing around with his photos and asking me how to do something in Photoshop. But he is not, he just is fucking not. Ever.
The last few days I have been thinking about what I want to do to commemorate the day, actually it's been longer than that but seriously thinking about it but I have no idea. I know something really significant is going to happen something some other awesome person is doing which I can't mention yet. Part of me wants to do something but part of me wants to stay at home on my own ( Boo will be at Daycare) and just cry.

Boo was really challenging yesterday, he gave me a really hard time. Tantrums, grabbing, throwing, he was just horrible. I was glad when the day was over. Today is his Childcare Day and boy am I glad to have the day off. I dropped him at daycare we said our goodbyes, he blew me a kiss and off I went. I had a house to look at but had a half hour to kill before the inspection time so I decided to have a quick coffee at my sisters who was on the way. On the drive I burst into tears, just like that out of nowhere, I was remembering what was happening a year ago today. How life was such a struggle, not knowing that Max only had a week to live. How much pain he was in, the suffering. Missing Max terribly. I was stopped at traffic lights and wiped away my tears and turned to see if anyone was watching, I couldn't believe what I saw. The car beside me was hearse, a fucking hearse with a coffin it! I blabbered and blabbered. I got to my sisters house all redeyed, she asked me what was wrong. "Nothing! Everything! I don't want to talk about it. I am fine. Can I have a coffee?" I didn't want to bring it all up again, just the thoughts where enough, so talking about it, well I would have exploded. Just writing this is a struggle, I am blabbering. I had my coffee we chattered about the house I was about to inspect and was on my way. The house was a dud, there are so many duds out there.
Then I went and did a bit of shopping to buy my Mum her Mothers Day gift and decided to treat myself to a sushi train lunch sans Boo, what a treat. Sitting there at the train and in came the Mums of the twins that are with Boo at day care they are a same sex couple. We had lunch together. Apart from hello as we pass each other from our drop offs and pick ups we hadn't really chattered before today. What a lovely couple they are, it was actually a nice distraction from everything that was going through my head all day. They even offered to look after Boo whenever I needed some time out because their kids adore him. That cemented to me that next Wednesday I should probably not be alone, well not all day anyway.

Then when I got home I received this letter in the mail. It made so much sense to me and so very true, it's very obvious they have lots of experience with grieving. The timing was impeccable. Please click on it for a larger view and read it.



Did you read it? Did you know that? I didn't. It really answers lots of things for me this week.
Today I started spotting, my periods are like clockwork, I don't spot inbetween cycles and I couldn't work out why, now I know why. Grief! Also last week I did my back in really badly lifting Boo into the bath tub, I am only just recovering. The answer grief! All these  overflowing emotions. Grief.

I know I will get through this. I don't intend to be a victim of the day and I will take action, just some days are so fucking hard.

Please if you are grieving or know of someone that is grieving, let them read this letter. It really lifted a lot of weight for me so I hope it would do the same for you or for them.

21 comments:

Leah said...

Oh wow I felt a bit teary reading that letter and I am not grieving Just thinking that anyone who loves someone deeply, unless they are go before everyone they love, will go through this when they lose someone important to them. So sorry you have to do it well before we expect that time to be in a marriage.

I hope you can make a plan for next week which is kind to you and some comfort during this difficult time.

edenland said...

Crying with you, Vee. I think of you every day, all the time. Wondering how you are, during the lead up to the anniversary. The anticipation of how you're going to feel. Love you mate. Heaps XOXOX

Pundelina said...

What a beautiful letter to receive, and how lovely of them to do that. I'm sorry Vee. I can't believe it's been almost a year, where did that go? Do plan something, I don't think being alone sounds at all comforting.

((hugs))

Bea said...

A wise letter. So good of them to send it out like that. Hoping you can plan something suitable for the day.

Bea

Nikki said...

wow, that is truly an amazing letter. how lucky you are to have someone, something to help guide you through the grieving process. It's a bumpy road and anything to make it easier, or even jsut easier to understand is a blessing.

JJ said...

A beautiful letter--wow, Ill have to read that again to really absorb it.
Thinking of you loads right now--and next week, too.

Kir said...

oh my sweet sweet friend. I am sitting here and crying. Because you are there and I am here and I can't hug you or take your hand and go somewhere where I can scream next to you about the unfairness of this.
You are stronger than you know and you don't HAVE TO BE STRONG right now...don't ...let us shoulder some of it for you, let us help...and just be you. Whatever you feel is 'right' and "good".

you are always in my heart, but right now, you are closer than ever. xoxo

jill said...

Wow what a thoughtful letter. Sending you strength and *hugs*.

Delenn said...

That is such a wonderful letter! I am glad it came at a time you really needed it!

You are in my thoughts and heart as always, but especially during this hard week.

[Hugs]

Anonymous said...

That letter was amazing and insightful! Keeping you in my thoughts!

Sandra

Kristin said...

What a fabulous, wonderful letter. I'm so glad you got it when you did and it brought you some comfort.

Anonymous said...

What a great letter, I'm glad it helped. Thinking of you at this difficult time and always.
Leez xx

maytey said...

That is just so perfect, how thoughtful and sensible of them. I'm sending it to John's mum, who lost her husband over Easter. Thinking of you Vee, big hugs. xxx

tireegal68 said...

I'm so glad some people understand about grief and so glad you got this letter. Thinking of you three little birds:) sending love and hugsxxoo

iamvulnerable said...

I'm thinking of you today, Vee. Remembering Max and sending you and Boo all my love and all my wishes for healing, peace, and comfort on this day and every day. xoxoxoxo

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am holding you in my heart today. It seems unbelievable that it has been a year. And I am wearing my Superman t-shirt in his honour. Sending so much love.

Anonymous said...

My mum received a similar letter like this many years ago when it was the first anniversary of her father's death. I remember reading it to her and my mum just broke down and cried because it described exactly how she was feeling at the time.. I feel that society dosnt allow us to grieve for very long. We are told to "be strong" and "move on". Grief is such a powerful emotion and it needs to be respected and allowed to just "be" in order for the healing process to begin.
Wishing you peace love and comfort today and always.

L

Meredith said...

It's close to a year since my husband committed suicide and left me with no life insurance, and 4 small kids. I'm feeling the same way but I'm still so angry. You should check out my blog
www.mollygreenfamily.blogspot.com I'm sure there is plenty we can compare. Good luck and wishing you peace.

Alana said...

What a lovely letter to get. I'm almost to the first anniversary of my baby's stillbirth and am feeling the anniversary reaction welling up at different times. Some days I'm fine and some days, it just sucks.
Wishing you love and support as you grieve and heal.

Teri and the cats of Curlz and Swirlz said...

I come to your blog via 37 Days, Patti Digh's blog. I knew I would find something good here, and this post shows that.

I lost my husband 4 1/2 years ago to an aneurysm and so remember that first trip to the grocery store...seeing all the people just going about their lives, seemingly happy, and I wanted to yell out "My husband just died". It was awful to look at food and just not feel like eating or living.

But that day I realized, too, that one never knows what suffering behind the smiles is going on with another person and in sharing my grief, so many acquaintances shared sadnesses they had suffered that I never realized. I know go out of my way to smile more, frown less...

Melissa said...

What wonderful care you recieved from them. We didn't get anything like that letter. I knew these things, but seeing them in a letter to you, someone 'official' acknowledging what you were going to face. Amazing. Thoughtful. Wonderful.

Thank you for sharing this letter. (I always found the build up to the day worse than the actual day).