Pulling Down the Barriers

Yesterday was a huge day for me, I finally started doing something I had been putting off for so long. I cleaned out the home office. Boo was at daycare and I had promised myself that Wednesday was the day. In the past I kept making excuses, putting up barriers. For example, I needed a paper shredder , because I really can't leave all of Max's private files unshredded. I could, I mean I could put them in a big pile and shred them at a later date. Not having a shredder was not really what was stopping me from going through the office. So I did it, I went through all of *Max's paper work, all his medical files, his books and photo albums. I tried not to stop and flick through too many photo albums or it would have taken me a week to get done what I did in a day. I was doing really well until I found our wedding guest book and started reading comments left by our family and friends. I just lost it and sobbed, holding the book close to my heart and reading all the beautiful well wishes from family and friends, of growing old together and hopes of our lives filled with much love and happiness. There was no long life together, it was way too short. After a good cry I continued to pack, yep I decided whilst I was doing it I may as well start packing even though I haven't found a home yet I figured perhaps if I start packing something may come my way. There is still heaps to do in the office, but I feel much better for finally making a good start. I know have some stuff packed, some stuff to sell on eBay and some stuff to sell at a garage sale which I am thinking of holding in the near future.

When I said in my last post "I have so many things I want/need to do but until I find a new home and get settled in it's not going to happen." It's not true. That is an excuse just another barrier I have put up for myself. Ok well it may be partially true but there are somethings I can start doing now, one of them is to get fit. There is lots going on in my life at the moment, heaps of social events, I have parties coming out of my ears this month. I am enjoying them though it has been great spending fun times with family and friends. Anyway I digress. To give myself a goal to work towards, I have signed up for the Sydney City 2 Surf. to raise funds for the Rainbows For Kate Foundation it is held on the 14th of August. I am pretty darn excited about it! I wont be running it, that would be just nuts I am big fat boomba and don't want to have a heart attack running up Heartbreak Hill, it's called that for a reason! I will be walking it and pushing Boo in the stroller. Perhaps my goal for next year is to run it, why not think big hey.

I am now going to call out to all my blogging friends to join me. Yep you! Will you join Boo and I ? Do the City2 Surf with us and help raise funds for Sarcoma cancers and others like Max.
Oh you don't live in Sydney? Why not take a trip? Yeah I know that is ridiculous, but hey I thought I would just put it out there for anyone that is thinking of visiting Sydney, August is a nice time of year, not too hot and not too cold, ok maybe still a little bit cold. And for my Sydneysider blogging friends I would LOVE to meet you and what a great way to do it! Come on join us, it will be fun.
So who is in??

* I know that Max's real name has been launched into the blogospehere which I fine with however I would still like to call him Max on my blog.

On the Third Day

I have just had three intensive days doing the course. I walked in there with an open mind,  I really didn't know what to expect as I had never done anything like it before. They were really long days- 9am till 10pm everyday for 3 days.

The first day I walked out of there totally exhausted and angry, quite pissed off actually. Why? Firstly I didn't get it, I was really confused and thought it was going to be a waste of time. And also the coach gave us homework, homework!! That had to be done by 9am in the morning. When was I going to that? I was exhausted, didn't get home until 11pm and had to get up 6am to get through the city traffic. My brain was totally fried from trying to take in everything from the day. All the way home I was making up excuses in my head as to why I didn't do my homework! I woke up in the morning still making up excuses. Then I got to the course early there was no traffic, and they had set up a room so people could do their homework. Obviously they knew no one would do it. So I did my homework, there was no excuse. I wasn't alone, pretty much everyone else I spoke too where feeling the same way after the first day. I am so glad because I was starting to think I was just bloody stupid.

The second day was better. I was starting to get it. It was all starting to make some sense, although it was all very abstract I understood bits here and there and could start to relate it to myself. I met some really amazing people with equally amazing stories. Actually I was blown away. Some people were starting to make breakthroughs, it was exciting to see them do it. We were sent home again with homework, this time I read my home work and made use of the drive time home to think about the questions instead of using that time being angry. I got home and did my home work with ease. I even got up extra early to have breakfast with my Boo at my sisters house, I needed a Boo cuddle badly. And Oh they were the most beautiful cuddles and kisses ever.

The third day I was really hoping that I could make more sense of everything and relate it to myself otherwise it was really going to be a waste and I would really be disappointed. That morning whilst the coach was coaching another woman and I was listening to her story, something clicked. The penny dropped. I started to cry uncontrollably. I was enlightened, it was so amazing, now I understood it all and I could relate it to myself and it really did blow me away. My story was playing over and over in my head. Breakthrough.

So I really enjoyed it in the end even if I started out skeptical I came out feeling quite empowered. This morning after a little sleep in I got up thinking about everything I had learned, not consciously it was just all there. I was thinking differently and I was "doing" instead of just "thinking about doing". It felt great. Did I mention I met some really amazing people?

The other wonderful thing was that Boo was really great therapy for my Mum over the weekend. They had a great time. They got to spend 3 full precious days together at my sisters house.
Win, win.