Fun, Fun, Fun in the Sun.

And this is what I love about the weather getting warmer but what makes me the happiest is that Bubbaboo loves the beach. He would bum shuffle his way into the surf in a flash if I let him. He is a bit too confident in the water. I am looking forward to many more great days like today with my boy. We had a great day today, so I just had to share our precious moment.

Inked

I am doing it! I am getting my tattoo....finally!
I have booked my appointment for next Tuesday. I found a tatooist I am happy with. I have designed the tattoo, it just needs some tweaking now. My sister is looking after Bubbaboo. So I am getting inked!
Unless I chicken out at the last minute, but I wont.  I want this.

Cyber World

After Max passed away I didn't know what to do about his online presence. He has accounts everywhere including his Blogs, Deviant Art, RedBubble, Facebook and gaming sites. Like most of us do.

I had just let them go until I had made a decision. I had decided that I do want people to continue to view his art and photography on his creative sites. Actually he even sold a card recently on RB. He had sold a few pieces but couldn't collect his earnings till he had made $100. I think it would take him a long time to reach that, so I am not concerned at all. Plus they donated his wonderful artworks to the RFK fundraiser so I am very happy for them to keep his funds. However Facebook is different, it's personal. It kept requesting me and others to "reconnect" with Max because we hadn't been in touch for a while and this was after he had passed. It was quite upsetting for everyone. Then my nephew informed me that I could request FB to memorialise his profile. Where everything continues to stay up and people can write on his wall when ever they wish but those reminders to "reconnect" would be no longer. So I made the request and it was done, which was great. It gave me time to think about what to do with his profile.

Last night after noticing that Max's FB profile was disabled it hit me like a tonne of bricks that I wanted to keep his profile up, I needed it to be there. I was so upset that it had been pulled down, especially after a particularly difficult and emotional day and missing him terribly. There was no reason for it being disabled it was just there, then it wasn't. I felt like he had been taken away from me again. I know that sounds crazy, but I was really torn up by it. I wrote to FB letting them know and to put it back ASAP and they did. I was so relieved I thought they would come back to me and say it was gone forever. It makes me happy knowing that he is still there and he still has his friends around who every now and then write on his wall. So they can reconnect when they feel like it and not when it is thrown in their face.

So my decision is made and I am not touching any of it, Max is still out there in cyber world, forever.

What would you do ?

Max's Plaque

I went to visit Max with Bubbaboo today, I needed to be close to him. Max's plaque is finally complete and in place. It took a ridiculous amount of time I am still quite annoyed by it and intend to write a letter of complaint because it wasn't dealt with professionally at all.

When it was time to leave I asked Bubbaboo to give Daddy a kiss. I was so surprised when he did this.

It just made my heart melt.

I love my boys.

All I have is this....the memories.

I miss him so freakin much.  Even in his huge dorky hat. It's just another one of those tough days where the tears wont stop and my heart is aching....and it's only 7am.

Bubbaboo and My Mum- An Update.

Bubbaboo-
Is amazing.  He has become a sponge and only has to see things done once and challenges himself to do the same. Even if they are things he isn't supposed to be doing like lifting the lid off the kitchen bin.
He is up and cruising the furniture and when he is down he is a bum shuffling pro. He is not interested in being on his knees and crawling at all. He scoots around at the speed of lightening and gets into things before you know it. I must take more video of him bum shuffling because it really is funny to watch. People comment on it all the time. I had never seen any other toddler do it before him but no doubt there are many.

Bubbaboo is really musical he loves to listen and sing along to music in the car. He used to want his ABC kids cds, not anymore, now he wants to listen to U2, Michael Franti & Spearhead and recently The John Butler Trio.  He drums anything he can get his hands on including Max's drums and sings along. Max would be so very proud of him. He claps his hands instead of waving goodbye, he is a bit confused with that. I take him swimming every week and he loves it, I am so, so happy that he does. I am really looking forward to summer with him so we can do lots of swimming.

He has his 8 front teeth and one molar through and couple of others bulging ready to pop out. He hasn't been too bad with them really, he has been unsettled some nights and wants to bite anything he can get his teeth into including my cheeks! When I ask for a kiss. He doesn't say much but is constantly mumbling to himself. He understands a lot though, he can point out the duck in a picture book, point at his painting on the wall when I ask where it is and points to his Daddy's photos when I ask where Daddy is. That always breaks my heart. He has started really playing with his toys now, not just pulling them out of the toy bucket and finding joy in doing that. He rolls his wooden car back and forth making brrroom, brroom noises. He tries to put his wooden puzzles together mostly unsuccessfully but he tries. He is really stubborn and gets upset if he doesn't get his way. The word NO is still foreign to him. Apparently. He is starting to throw tantrums if I put him in his pram or carseat to leave somewhere he is having fun. Thankfully they don't last too long after a little distraction. I am sure there is more to update but can't think for the moment but I do know that Bubbaboo is my world, he makes my day, every day.

My Mum-
My Mum came out of hospital the week after Bubbaboos birthday. Her and my Dad have been staying at my sisters house until she got some strength back. They moved back home last week after we organised to get the all the aids fitted railing, detachable shower etc just like I did for Max. We also had the carpet stripped out of their bedroom, it really should have been done years ago. Her lung has fully collapsed now and she struggles breathing. She has oxygen at home and a portable cylinder for out and about. She still does too much but there is no way of stopping her at least now she we will have a lie down during the day and get some rest. Her infection comes and goes she has been on numerous antibiotics which seems to keep it at bay mostly. She has started to cough up blood the last few days she hadn't done that for a while. I know that always freaks her out, although her specialist isn't too concerned about it and thinks it's her esophagus that can get quite irritated from all the coughing she does. So for now she is stable and being looked after by a palliative care team and like any cancer patient it's one day at time.

Photo Friday - Orange

I am playing along with Calliope and joining Photo Friday.  I thought it would be a good little project.
So here is Orange, yeah I know it is quite literal but it was lots of fun!

Bubbaboo sucked the life out of that orange, he just couldn't get enough.
(In case you are curious his T-Shirt says "Strong like King Kong") :-)


Now go and check who else is playing.

Days Like This

You see it's days like this with Bubbaboo that makes it all worthwhile. It lifts that dark cloud a bit.
We had a wonderful day and Bubbaboo had lots of new experiences and met some wonderful strangers and some he wasn't too keen on. We caught the Ferry over to Circular Quay, ate sushi in the Royal Botanical gardens, hung around the Opera House forecourt, watched and listened to heaps of buskers and ate gelato before heading back home in the ferry where an exhausted Bubbaboo slept the whole trip.

I thought of Max a lot, we did this together quite often on our photography adventures. I wish he was with me and see it all through Bubbaboos eyes.

Who Turned The Lights Out?

I have been feeling so down lately, very teary, it's not unusual but this time I can't seem to snap out of it. I don't know why, I can't work out what is different but it is. In the past I have managed to dig myself out of the dark hole but this time I am struggling. I am missing Max terribly, there seems to be more and more things that trigger tears. For eg. this morning I opened the kitchen pantry to find an unused bottle of Canadian Maple syrup. Max asked me to buy it, he wanted the good stuff so he could put on his pancakes. He never got his pancakes, I never opened the Maple syrup. Yesterday my sister cooked some apple and rhubarb. The last thing Max ever ate was apple and rhubarb with vanilla custard. I remember him sitting in his bed eating it and he was spilling it on himself. So I asked whether he needed one of Bubbaboos bibs. I put it on him and we laughed, I took a photo of him with the bib on. I had no idea it would be his last meal, ever. Now I don't laugh when I think about it, instead it brings me to tears.

Bubbaboo is a good distraction because if it wasn't for him, I would just sleep all day. Instead I make sure to get out every day. It's good for my sanity as well as his. My pass time is taking photos of him, I am sure my friends on Facebook are sick of seeing them, but I figured they can switch me off their news feeds if they are. It's the only thing keeping me a little sane at the moment and I find pleasure in it.

I am hoping I will snap out of this soon if not I will go and see my GP, I may need my happy pills adjusted.

Bubbaboo with his Godfather and matching Volleys.

The Fun We Had

It's been 5 months today since you have gone. 

We miss you. 

We miss your silly sense of humour.

We miss all the fun we had together.

We miss your beautiful smile.

Bubbaboo having some fun with his Daddy

We miss you, lots.

R.I.P Louise

I can't stop crying this morning.
I just learned that Louise from Evil Stepmonster lost her fight to Melanoma. Her DH has updated her blog with photos of beautiful Kayla. I am so glad she was there for her daughters first birthday, I wish she was around for many more. My heart breaks, it is just another "it's not fair" story.
Please go and send her family some support.

R.I.P Louise

The Great Outdoors

Thank you all for your love, hugs and thoughts. It was a particularly difficult day actually it has been a difficult week.

The weather is warming up and Summer is just around the corner. It is the the time of the year that Max and I enjoyed most. It was the time we did what we loved, got out there. Go to the beach, go on weekends away, go on photography excursions, have BBQ's and picnics and just enjoy each others company in the great outdoors. I know I am going to miss Max a lot more over Summer. I am sure there will be lots of reminiscing of good times had.

Bubbaboo loves being outdoors too and I am so grateful that he does. I want him to have a great relationship with nature.  I love taking him out, I love letting him pick the flowers, dig his fingers in the dirt or the sand, feel the grass in his toes, watch the birds or just sit by the river. He is so observant and takes it all in. He learns so much from being out there in nature and the elements. I am looking forward to going camping with him and getting all that fresh air, getting all grubby and going to bed exhausted.  We are very fortunate to live in a wonderful country filled with lots of natural beauty which allows us to enjoy it.

I am looking forward to my adventures with my Bubbaboo.  I just wish Max was here to enjoy them too. Before we had Bubbaboo, Max and I often discussed where we would take our kids on holidays and adventures, we would both get excited just talking about it. I still intend to do a lot of them but now instead of the three of us it will just be the two of us.

The Tears.

I miss you so much. I don't know why today is harder than yesterday or the day before.
Today, the tears wont stop.
I want you near. I kiss and hug a photo of you, that is all I have. Photos and our memories. I feel your lips through the glass of the photo frame remembering how sweet they are and all the love that they gave. Why did you have to go ? I need you here. I want you here. You didn't deserve to be taken. Not now but a lot, lot later. We still had so much living to do together.
Fuck you cancer!