Friday, October 15, 2010

Who Turned The Lights Out?

I have been feeling so down lately, very teary, it's not unusual but this time I can't seem to snap out of it. I don't know why, I can't work out what is different but it is. In the past I have managed to dig myself out of the dark hole but this time I am struggling. I am missing Max terribly, there seems to be more and more things that trigger tears. For eg. this morning I opened the kitchen pantry to find an unused bottle of Canadian Maple syrup. Max asked me to buy it, he wanted the good stuff so he could put on his pancakes. He never got his pancakes, I never opened the Maple syrup. Yesterday my sister cooked some apple and rhubarb. The last thing Max ever ate was apple and rhubarb with vanilla custard. I remember him sitting in his bed eating it and he was spilling it on himself. So I asked whether he needed one of Bubbaboos bibs. I put it on him and we laughed, I took a photo of him with the bib on. I had no idea it would be his last meal, ever. Now I don't laugh when I think about it, instead it brings me to tears.

Bubbaboo is a good distraction because if it wasn't for him, I would just sleep all day. Instead I make sure to get out every day. It's good for my sanity as well as his. My pass time is taking photos of him, I am sure my friends on Facebook are sick of seeing them, but I figured they can switch me off their news feeds if they are. It's the only thing keeping me a little sane at the moment and I find pleasure in it.

I am hoping I will snap out of this soon if not I will go and see my GP, I may need my happy pills adjusted.

Bubbaboo with his Godfather and matching Volleys.


Miss Ruby said...

Big hugs Vee. You do whatever it is that you need to, in order to get through each day.


Delenn said...

Thinking of you, abiding with you.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I actually love it when pictures of Bubbaboo pop up. Keep taking them -- to have that record, to share him with others, and because it is your unique therapy. Abiding with you, sweetie.

Kimberly said...

Sending hugs and love and good thoughts from across the world~

Anonymous said...

I'm with Mel - love the pictures too. Because you take amazing ones and I love that you're sharing them with us.

The one thing I know is that grief ebbs and flows on its own timeline. Hugs and love to you as you make your way through things. I'm here, listening, too.


Bea said...

Vee, I'm not wholly surprised that things are not unfolding just as they have been for the past five months. I don't know exactly how much effort you've been going to to hold things together as well as you have for the last five months or so, but if there has been an effort then sooner or later you were bound to get emotionally tired from it.

Maybe it hasn't been much effort - you've just been doing it. I still think it's normal to feel things differently five months out from an event like this, as you begin to move out of that initial shock and onto whatever comes next. If you need to discuss it with your doctor, go ahead, but at the same time know that nobody expects you to be "all better" already, and taking one step forwards/two steps backwards is completely allowed.

And I like the pics of Bubbaboo, even if I seldom comment! I haven't quite got the hang of facebook yet.


Lut C. said...

I think Bea is probably right.

You're doing the best you can. I would expect it to take a good while longer before you feel back on a somewhat even keel.

Sue said...

Sorry you're so down right now. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself - and definitely go talk to your GP sooner rather than later. The photos of Bubbaboo are beautiful - thanks for sharing.

DaisyGal said...

you know they say that time heals the wounds, but the truth is that Time..esp in the beginning, lets the haze lift, the shock and just leaves you with the HURT...the pure Grief. I am sorry that is where you are now, so so sorry my friend.

I love the pictures of Bubbaboo (and why aren't we friends on Facebook? ) and him being the reason to get out of bed, to take the pictures, to have him with makes me think that my hugs are reaching you.

Love to you my friend.

luna said...

photography is a wonderful way to pass the time and capture these precious days with your son. I imagine he is your best therapy right now. that said, be sure to take care of yourself too. xo

maytey said...

So sorry to hear that you have been going through this while I've been incommunicado. Please go & see your GP if you still feel this way Vee. It's so great that you can recognise what you're going through - that's the first very important step to getting better. Holding your hand. You are not alone Vee. Give BBB an extra kiss from me!