Thursday, August 12, 2010

It's All Too Familiar.

My Mum is not doing very well. She is deteriorating fast. I feel like I am watching Max all over again, all the signs are there. She has become very breathless, she has become less mobile, she has become very tired, she has lost her appetite, she has lost lots of weight all the signs that that her cancer is starting to beat her.

After seeing the specialist it was decided that she will not be getting any more therapy, radio or chemo. Her lung has partially collapsed and a stent will be inserted into her good lung to avoid the cancer from spreading and closing her airways. Her cancer has decided to grow quickly it has been dormant for so long and has now decided to wake. She really is a remarkable woman and I am so proud that she is my Mum. All the Dr's are amazed at her and the way she keeps fighting. After picking up some scripts for yesterday I was chatting to the pharmacists and he too is amazed at her strength after I explained to him that things had changed recently.

I have never seen my Mum so emotional. She is always teary. Max's death was close to home for her, she saw what she too will go through and she is struggling with it. My Mum gave Max so much strength, she wouldn't let him feel bad and kept telling him to be strong like she was. She gave him so much love like he was her own son. She kissed him and gave him hugs like a mother. Now he is gone she no longer needs to be his mentor, she is letting go. When someone asks how she is, she now tells it how it is. She no longer puts on her brave face for others, she is being honest. I remember when Max got to that point also. He felt like people needed to know the truth, not some bullshit just to make them feel better.

I am making a point of spending more time with my Mum and Dad, they need the help at home and Bubbaboo always makes them both happy. I bought them lunch yesterday and cooked them a nice dinner which she can freeze for those days when she isn't up to cooking. My Dad isn't coping either, he is getting old and he is not accepting that my my mother is dying. Actually I don't think that he has ever accepted that my mother is sick. Yesterday he told me through tears that he wanted to die before my Mum. I know he wont cope when she is gone. Sigh...

Last Friday my sister, Bubbaboo and I took Mum to her first Palliative care appointment. It was all so familiar. I know I will probably never be ready for this, but I am REALLY not ready for this.
Fuck I hate Cancer!

18 comments:

My Reality said...

I am sorry your mum isn't doing well.

Cancer sucks.

lparsons15 said...

I am sorry you are dealing with this...Cancer sucks!

Nearlydawn said...

Rather than say I'm sorry for you, I'll say that I'm glad you know what to do to help your Mom right now. You might also be a great help to your Dad in getting through this. Maybe you can show him how to help, because denial isn't going to make her last longer, right?

I am glad you aren't running from her and her illness - that has got to be the hardest freaking thing right now. I can't imagine going through this 2x in such a short, short time. If you don't have nightmares then I'd believe you are made of steel.

It can't be easy, at all, so I'm proud of you. For what it's worth.

Hugs.

annacyclopedia said...

Huge hugs to you, Vee. I wish you had no need to be so strong for your mum. But I am proud of you, too, and I send my love. Even when I'm not online much because it is glorious, sticky, radiant summer here.

Miss Ruby said...

Your Mum's downhill slide and especially the talk of her lungs and breathing reminded me of my Dad's final weeks....and so brought tears.

Vee I am so very sorry that you're having to go through this all again.

If there was one thing I wished after Dad passed, it was that I'd spent more time with him in the final weeks, that somehow I could have known and just been with him....

Big hugs

xx

maytey said...

All my love to you, your mum and your dad Vee. Big hugs. xxx

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Oh hon, I am so sorry. It's just too much for one person for one year, at a time when your heart is already rubbed raw.

loribeth said...

I am so sorry you are going through this, AGAIN. Really, universe, there are limits... Sending you some (((hugs))).

DaisyGal said...

oh Vee, just when I think that my heart can't break anymore for you...it does, my eyes and heart are full of tears...I wish I could hold your hand, rub your back, tell you it was going to be ok , even if we know it's not...I wish I could make this better.
Our lives are so fragile, and I am so sorry that you are seeing two leave you this year...
I'm holding you in my heart.
xoxo

Bea said...

Vee, I would have hoped for a bit more of a break to start enjoying things with those around you, at least. I hope your mum is feeling ok.

Bea

Cibele said...

HUGS, I am so sorry

SLJ said...

Hugs Vee,
I know what it is like to watch parents deteriorate, it is always heartbreaking to see someone who has always looked after you, and made sure you're alright, need the the same from you. Hang in there.

Susan

Pundelina said...

It's too soon Vee, just too fucking soon for this to be happening. And I'm so incredibly sorry it is happening. Life is so hugely unfair and awful sometimes.

Hug that little Bugaboo of yours tightly.

love and ((hugs))

Tina said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum Vee :(
It is so not fair.

Huge hugs to you and bugaboo xo

Kimberly said...

I'm so sorry. Many hugs to all of you, as always.

luna said...

oh vee, what a fucking year you've had. I'm so sorry. it's far too soon to be dealt another blow. hugs to you.

MrsSpock said...

How hard to see two of the people you love the most become so ill in such a short span of time. Sending good thoughts to you and Mum.

Anonymous said...

Oh Vee, I am so sorry you are going through this with your Mum. Big hugs and love to you and your family.

L