It's All Too Familiar.

My Mum is not doing very well. She is deteriorating fast. I feel like I am watching Max all over again, all the signs are there. She has become very breathless, she has become less mobile, she has become very tired, she has lost her appetite, she has lost lots of weight all the signs that that her cancer is starting to beat her.

After seeing the specialist it was decided that she will not be getting any more therapy, radio or chemo. Her lung has partially collapsed and a stent will be inserted into her good lung to avoid the cancer from spreading and closing her airways. Her cancer has decided to grow quickly it has been dormant for so long and has now decided to wake. She really is a remarkable woman and I am so proud that she is my Mum. All the Dr's are amazed at her and the way she keeps fighting. After picking up some scripts for yesterday I was chatting to the pharmacists and he too is amazed at her strength after I explained to him that things had changed recently.

I have never seen my Mum so emotional. She is always teary. Max's death was close to home for her, she saw what she too will go through and she is struggling with it. My Mum gave Max so much strength, she wouldn't let him feel bad and kept telling him to be strong like she was. She gave him so much love like he was her own son. She kissed him and gave him hugs like a mother. Now he is gone she no longer needs to be his mentor, she is letting go. When someone asks how she is, she now tells it how it is. She no longer puts on her brave face for others, she is being honest. I remember when Max got to that point also. He felt like people needed to know the truth, not some bullshit just to make them feel better.

I am making a point of spending more time with my Mum and Dad, they need the help at home and Bubbaboo always makes them both happy. I bought them lunch yesterday and cooked them a nice dinner which she can freeze for those days when she isn't up to cooking. My Dad isn't coping either, he is getting old and he is not accepting that my my mother is dying. Actually I don't think that he has ever accepted that my mother is sick. Yesterday he told me through tears that he wanted to die before my Mum. I know he wont cope when she is gone. Sigh...

Last Friday my sister, Bubbaboo and I took Mum to her first Palliative care appointment. It was all so familiar. I know I will probably never be ready for this, but I am REALLY not ready for this.
Fuck I hate Cancer!