Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Image I Can't Get Out of My Head.

WARNING**** There is a photo of Max during his last days which you may find offensive please do not scroll down past the line of asterisk at the bottom if you do not want to see it. 

"I keep wondering when the bad day memories will fade away and the best day memories will rise to the top of my mind. I’m not there yet."
Calliope wrote this about her Grandmother who has passed away and when I read it they were my thoughts exactly. Please go and send her a hug.

It has been 3 months since Max passed away. I am struggling with this image of him at the Palliative care hospital. Him struggling for every breath, being so agitated and disorientated he was like some stranger I never knew. His body was just skin and bones and cancer bumps. I want these images to fade, but they are not.

I took a photo of Max during his last days, in fact it was on the Sunday, Mothers Day here in Aus. I was really hesitant about taking it. But I knew his brother would want to see him and being on the other side of the world the only way he could be close was if I sent him a photo. I asked him first of course and he wanted to see his brother, so I took the photo with my phone and sent it to him.

I have also been hesitant about posting this photo on my blog, but after much thought I decided I needed to share it. Because I need you to know what I am seeing and what is constantly in my thoughts and maybe help me get beyond it. I have been doing a lot of crying lately, sobbing uncontrollable tears.

Please do not read any further if you do not wish to see it.


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I miss him so much. Why did he have to go ?

22 comments:

Nearlydawn said...

I just wish there was some way we could CHOOSE what images and thoughts stick in our heads. Hugs.

Miss Ruby said...

Oh gee Vee.....

I'm lost for words right now....but I will be back to comment better later....

Big hugs

xxx

HubeiMama said...

Oh, Poor Max and Poor Vee, too. I hate cancer so much that it does this to our loved ones and to those of us left behind, too. I have faith, Vee, that this image will fade a bit in your mind and it won't always be so...there all the time. The good ones *will* come back and take their rightful place.

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, Vee. Abiding with you and bearing witness to this awful, horrible disease and all it has taken from you and Bubbaboo. Sending all my love and praying for you that these images fade to make more room for the good ones.

MFA Mama said...

That must be so hard. I'm sorry you're hurting like this; it's certainly understandable.

Bea said...

It's just a terrible thing what the disease did to his body. Such a powerful photo. I wish I could answer the attached question.

I've heard people say they avoided visiting friends and loved ones in their final days because they didn't want to be haunted by these sorts of images afterwards. I think the fact that you stayed regardless shows true strength of spirit - the same strength which will get you through to a time when you remember those best days. One day. One day.

Bea

maytey said...

You poor sweetheart. Could you do a version of that photo with some overlaid decorative additions expressing his personality? To help replace that image in your mind?

lparsons15 said...

Oh my, its certainly understandable that this is the image that sticks in your head..It is so horrible what cancer did to your husband and after seeing that for so long it must be hard to remember when he was healthy..I hope it gets better.

calliope said...

I fucking hate cancer. And Alzheimer's. And all of these shitty diseases that steal the identities of our dearest ones. I have so many images of Millie in her last month that are just beyond hard to look at- photos that I FORCED myself to take because I knew didn't want to miss one smile if a smile was to be found.

Beaming so much love to you. SO much.

Cibele said...

My heart breaks for you my dear. My sister lost her husband on a tragic accident, it took her a long long time to get the final terrible imagine out of her mind. Eventually she was able to focus on the image of the handsome man she loved so much. I am so sorry Vee. Sending you a big virtual hug and my prayers

My Reality said...

When I was 17, my dad died unexpectedly. The images from the very end haunted me for years. I have found that time helped dull the recurrence of those visions. I know that sounds cliche, but it is true.

I couldn't imagine watching my husband suffer the way you had to watch Max suffer. The photo is a testament to your strength and unconditional love for Max. I hope that time will help dull the haunting images in your mind.

Wishing you peace.

loribeth said...

I think people need to see these kinds of images. THIS is what cancer does to people. And no, it's not pretty. I understand why people's impulse is to shy away. But this is what you, & Max, had to live with.

I'm reminded of how people shy away from looking at photos of stillborn babies... many of whom just look like sleeping babies. If it's hard for you to look, imagine how much harder it is for the parents who live with this reality every day...

((((HUGS))))

Caro said...

Oh Vee, I'm so sorry.

MrsSpock said...

It's hard to get that emaciated image out of your head, when you knew him as the young, energetic, handsome Max. Cancer sucks!

Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

You poor darling :-( I too have the same images in my head of my dear BIL, but as time goes by you do remember the beautiful person they were before cancer took its toll.

Thinking of you.
((((hugs))))

serenity said...

Oh sweetie. That's the worst part of this, that, right now, you CAN'T remember the energetic, gorgeous, loving Max, because that's the image you have in your head.

I SO wish we could choose the images we remember.

Sending love to you, sweetie.

xoxo

alicia said...

ah I HATE what disease can do to people we love. sending you love and hugs.

Kimberly said...

That is a powerful photo. I am better for having read your words and having seen it.

I know it is easy for me to sit on the other side of the world and hope that in time this image will be put in the background and the first images to come to your mind will be of happy and healthy times, but I do so wish it for you. I know that it will take time, but I have every faith in your strength and you and that you will get there.

DaisyGal said...

OH Vee, if I could hold and cradle you, let you sit next to me and just cry those tears I would.

I hate that this is the image you have of your wonderful, handsome husband. I hate that missing him is always accompanied by a picture of him that is beaten, sore and hurting. I hate the cancer that took him, I hate knowing HOW you hurt now and knowing I can do nothing for you. It is literally tearing me apart.

oh Vee, you beautiful woman, your heart , may it heal, may your mind not have this picture everytime you close your eyes....my prayer is for a sweeter picture, a comfort to your heart, a peace for your soul.

Oh God, I'm so so sorry, Vee.

Alex said...

Vee, how strong you had to be. That image is powerful and heartwrenching. Thank you for sharing such a private memory. Your strength astounds me.

Anonymous said...

Oh Vee. The picture says it all. I understand. I pray that your thoughts will be soothed and the beautiful precious memories of Max will return over time. I hate cancer. Thank you for sharing the photo.

L

OHN said...

Vee, I can promise you that over time the image in your head will change. You are still raw. One day, you will realize that--that day--you saw him as he was before cancer. Each week that passes you will have more of the good images and in time the bad images will become rare, instead of constant.