Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I miss you.

I have been staying at my sisters ever since you passed away. It was good for a while, having lots of family and friends around. I needed that but it was time to come home but before doing so I had to get our bed back, take the single bed back to mum and dads and take back all of your aids. I rearranged the furniture, I hope you don't mind. I know how much you disliked change but I think it has helped me. I think you would like the way it looks, it also allows for more room for Bubaboo to play in. He takes up a lot space for a little boy. Although he isn't so little any more, he has put on a kilo in the last 3 weeks. He is trying lots of new foods you would be so proud of him, gobbling up his food and demanding more. I promise I will make him try everything at least once, that is what you wanted. I wish you could be here to cook for him. He loves sitting in his highchair in the kitchen watching me cook. I explain everything I am doing and tell him all about the ingredients. He listens and laughs at me. He loves watching the steam rise over the cooker, he thinks it's really amusing. I want him to love the kitchen like you did.

Oh I ended up getting the Shingles, yeah I discovered a rash the evening of your funeral all over my tummy and it was itchy as hell! Apparently it is all stress related. Lucky it was a fairly mild case and I managed to get onto some meds early. I was so achy all over all the time the last few weeks I couldn't tell if it was from the Shingles or just pains from lifting you and Bubaboo. I am ok now and the rash is starting to clear.

Bubaboo keeps me busy during the day but once he goes down of a night my evenings are lonely. The house is so quiet. I don't think I have even turned the TV on since you left, which is quite strange because TV was your only escape towards the end and it was on all day til early hours of the morning. Winter is at our doorstep and it's getting so cold already. I miss your warm hugs. I miss you giving me cuddles in bed and telling me the penguins are coming. You always got a giggle out me. I tell Bubaboo the penguins are coming when it gets cold, he giggles too.

You are still everywhere in the house, all your bits, even all your mess. It's like you are still here. I light a candle for you every day and kiss your lips every night.

I know you would have been disappointed that we didn't get to organise our backyard fundraiser for Rainbows for Kate the Sunday before you passed and we had to cancel. You were looking forward to it and you wanted to make some difference and help others like you. Well I decided that in your memory and to celebrate your wonderful life, I am going ahead with it to mark your mensiversary. You would be truly amazed at all the wonderful people that are helping out and donating prizes and food etc and how smoothly it's coming together. People have such huge hearts it's just beautiful. It has been keeping me busy and has been a really good distraction and I couldn't think of a better way to be distracted. We are still going to have a sausage sizzle, getting a jumping castle and our nephew will be playing with his band. I asked him to play some of his older stuff because I know you preferred it to his new heavier rock. We have loads of prizes for the raffles and silent auctions. I going to auction two of your framed artworks, the two that you chose. It's going to be a fun day. I think there is going to be quite a few people I hope we don't run out of sausages!

I can't believe it has been two weeks already since you went to a better place, I don't think it has really sunk in yet....but I do know that I miss you so much mon amore.


lparsons15 said...

These posts to Max are sweet. I hope this gets easier for you Vee.

DaisyGal said...

I love how you are letting us share this time with you. I don't know how you're doing it, getting it all done, but you've always been amazing and this is no different.

I just want you to know that we're here...and we're reading and holding you in our hearts.

serenity said...

Thank you for sharing so much of him with us. Love and good thoughts to you, sweetie.


Rach said...

My dear Vee.

I'm so very sad at the moment for my own reasons but my sadness takes on a whole deeper level when I read your posts. I have the love of my life right here with me and yet I am so desperately unhappy, so I can only imagine how you're feeling Vee.

Keep writing to Max, it's not only good for your soul but he's reading them as well.

Big hugs

Gil said...

Nothing to say sweetie. Just to let you know we thank you for letting us share in your pain, your world, and your sweet words to Max. Love to you and Bubaboo.

And I would love to have one of Max's pieces. I wish I could bid at the auction... :(

Bea said...

A beautiful post, again. Touching remembrances to share. I wish you hugs as the weather gets colder - although I know it's not the same.

The fundraiser sounds like it's coming along really well.


Carolyn said...

Keep lighting that candle Vee

Tinker said...

Thank you Vee, for sharing both the beautiful and ugly in your life. Tears are streaming down my face in sympathy for your loss of dear Max and for the dad that will live through you for your little man.

My thoughts are with you.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I hope one of the framed pictures was Reserved. It makes me smile every time I look up at it. It feels like hope rather than someone missing.


You have me crying again. Lighting the candle was a very vivid image.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm glad you're home again, Vee. I know it must be really hard but it just sounds from this post that it's where you need to be.

Still beaming you tons of love from across the ocean.

Calliope said...

Thinking of you. So much.

body painter said...

It called my memories

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