Sunday, May 16, 2010

His Last Breath.

I can't erase those last few days out of my head, I want to remember the good times but can't get beyond them.

Holding his hand, lying by his side watching him struggling for every breath wondering if it was going to be his last. I broke down and told my brother who had kept me company through the night that I couldn't watch him take his last breath. I made sure he was never left alone in case he was afraid. He could no longer talk and hadn't had anything to eat or drink for two days, he was sedated. The nurses came in to tell us they were going to reposition him and give him a wash. So my brother and I both stepped outside his room into the courtyard to have a bite to eat and told each other how much Max would have loved the Lebanese food we were eating....when the nurses had finished up they stuck their head out and told us we could go in when we were ready so we cleared the table and went back in and in that moment he was left alone.....he took his last breath, he wanted to be alone. He heard me and he did it for me. I thank him for that.

I still can't believe he has gone, I know he will always be by my side....but I want to touch him.

16 comments:

lparsons15 said...

I just have no words..I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Thoughts are with you.

Dora said...

Thinking of you. Wish I could come up with some comforting words, but I know there really are none. But you are in my thoughts so much.

Alex said...

Oh Vee...

luna said...

oh vee, I hope you can still remember the beauty through all the pain. love to you and doudou

Rach said...

Vee Alex's passing reminds me so much of my beloved Dad's.

My Mum still cannot forgive herself for him being alone when he took his last breath but like Alex, that is how he wanted it....

Big hugs...I promise each day will get easier, he will never leave you honey...but the pain will slowly ease.

xxxx

annacyclopedia said...

Just sending my strongest beams of love to you and Doudou. I am listening and abiding with you, and you are in my prayers. As Alex was dying I was praying that you and he both feel the comforting and loving presence of God (or whatever you believe in - not even sure if you do!), so that neither of you would feel alone or afraid. I continue to pray that for you, Vee - that you know deep down that you are loved and supported by not only the many of us who are lucky enough to know you, but also by the Creator. You will come through this and you will be able to remember the happy times. Until then, I will be here, listening.

Anonymous said...

Vee! You break my heart.....
I am so sorry to read this, but am glad your brother was able to be with you at that time.
This sounds so much like the night my beautiful much loved mum passed away.
We had to fly up from Sydney to be by her side at home the night she passed away, by the time we made it to QLD to mum & dads home. Mum was unconscious and I ran into the bedroom, do not even remember getting out of the car as I was hysterically crying and screaming. I was in a huge panic and grabbed her hand and hugged her and kissed her, she knew I was by her side by the way she gently squeezed my finger to let me know, it was so distressing and heartbreaking I try not to think about that night because it is all too painful.
We sat by her bedside until all hours of the night until the nurses told us to go and lie down about 4.00am in the morning to try to get some rest.
As soon as we were all settled and the house was calm and peaceful and there were no tears and crying, she decided it was time but luckily and thankfully we had the nurses at home to come and wake us to be there with her for her last breath at 5.40am. She seemed to wait until we had all settled down a little and house was quiet.
I never wanted that day to come and went into denial when mum became quite sick, I now suffer the guilt from the denial as I never wanted to believe I was going to lose my mum, I still ask why did it have to be my mum.
I still have terrible dark days of sadness and depression and still grieve ove the loss of my mum.
It is hard to say but the days do become a little easier as time goes on and the tears become less frequent.
I know the pain you are feeling and the pain of just wanting to reach out and touch Alex. I have been through all this, I have needed to touch my mum or just give my mum a hug and a kiss so badly I did not know how I was going to make it through the pain of feeling this way.
I still have days where I just want to see her or take her shopping, show her Elsa, show her my garden what I have done or bought when I go shopping, it is these minor little things that people take for granted.
I still have terrifying thoughts that I am never going to see her again or to be able to tell her how much I love her.
I had had some beautiful dreams where my mum has come to me in my dreams and touched me on my arm in my sleep and told me she is okay and not to worry and she has stood in my bedroom doorway and told me she is okay. These dreams somehow ease the grief and the burden a little and make you feel so much better to know they are okay and no longer in pain or suffering. I hope and pray Alex is at peace and looking down on you and little Doudou and smiling about the beautiful memories of your life together as it is only the amazing memories we have to help us through this terrible time.
I will never get over losing my mum and is has changed me as a person, I never ever thought it would happen to me, I always wanted my mum to be there for me the way you wanted to grow old and grey with Alex.
You and Doudou are in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone....res
Love your friend
Mary x

Bea said...

I think it's good you're recording these moments.

Bea

tireegal68 said...

I also am thankful you are writing about this. I think often when a beloved dies we can't stop thinking of the last moments, the details, the pain. I think your mind may gently pull away from those thoughts soon, when you are ready and you will be full of thoughts of Max when he was strong and vital and full of life. I pray that is the case. But I think it's important to document for you and Doudou and for us because we care and want to share in those moments with you.
Thank you.
Sending strength and love.

Cibele said...

My heart breaks for you. HUGS

Anonymous said...

Vee, I can't imagine how hard and heartbreaking that was. Shedding lots of tears with you.
Love, Leez xx

serenity said...

I'm here at your new home. Thinking of you, sweetie.

xxx

Stacie said...

I am thinking of you and sending love your way...

Gil said...

Reading you here at your new corner of the world. And still thinking of you and sending much love from our corner of the world.

Thank you for sharing the last moments with us. I am sure that in the coming weeks, months and years, these moments will give you a sense of peace.

Wordgirl said...

I've just found my way here.

Your courage is so beautiful. I don't think there is anything harder than this. Thank you for writing here; your story will help so many other people feel less alone.

My love and thoughts to you,

Pam

Noman Khan said...

Thanks for this post.We current service offerings include Software Development,Web & Graphic Development ,Online Marketing , Hosting & IT Management ,Telecom & Network Services,provider of Business Process Outsourcing,Wordpress,php web application,Joomla,Software Design & Development Bangladesh,Web Development. We have serviced and continuing to service countless businesses in Middle East and across the globe.