I was telling Bea in an email after she asked how I was feeling "I don't know, a bit strange like I am grieving but almost feel like it's not enough. I keep comparing the way I feel now with the way I felt when Max passed away and I don't feel like I am crying enough I know that must sound really stupid. But I am scared that time will pass and I will regret not grieving my Mothers death. Perhaps it really hasn't hit me yet? I don't know it's strange." Bea's response made sense, she is good like that. I am struggling lately getting my words out.
Firstly, we know our parents are going to die, we are told usually at a young age whether we understand it or want to believe it is a different story. As an adult it is maybe easier to accept. Also because my Mum had cancer for such a long time, I knew that death was on the cards it was a matter of when. When she was first diagnosed, I cried and cried for months, my whole world was falling apart. I was angry, no way was I going to lose my mother to cancer. I researched everything I could possibly find on her type of cancer and fed my head with it all. I looked into treatments and alternative treatments, spoke to Dr's , alternative health Dr's etc. I wanted and needed to know that my Mum was getting the best treatment that was available. My life was taken over by the need for information, sucking it all up like a kid drinking a chocolate milkshake, slurping at the very bottom, not content until I had everything I could possibly get. It was the only way I could help her it was the only I knew how to cope, to actually be doing something for her. This was 13 years ago, cancer did not touch everyone one you knew in some way like it does today. Back then when someone was diagnosed with cancer, it meant death. There has been a lot progress in curing or preventing cancer in since then (but that is a whole other post) I was pre- grieving back then, I have been pre-grieving for 13 years and perhaps that is why now I don't feel like I am grieving enough. Don't get me wrong I am still grieving, but just not like I was for Max. And I still hate that I can compare the two. It's called anticipatory grief and I first learnt about it when I saw a counselor before Max passed away. It had a name and I didn't even know. I thought I was just going crazy.
A couple of nights ago, my Mum visited me in a dream. I don't recall the dream but I do know that I was very emotional. Since then I feel a bit more comfortable with how I am grieving and the amount I am grieving. Maybe she told me not to beat myself up about it and she knows how much I love her and miss her. You probably think it's strange that I have to weigh up how much grief is enough, even wrong, but she was my Mother and I can never give her enough of anything.
It was Fathers Day on Sunday. So I took Boo to visit his Daddy, I tend not to take him too often, I usually go on my own, perhaps when he is a little older if he wishes I will take him to see his Daddy regularly. He made a present for him.
|Happy Fathers Day - We miss you lots. xx|