Thursday, June 24, 2010

Memories everywhere.

I love having Max around me and even if I didn't have all his photos around the house I know he is with me. But it's hard, really hard. I cry as soon as something is triggered. Going to Darling Harbour with Bea triggered moments, we walked the path that Max and I had walked many times it was one of our regular outings. Walking past restaurants we had enjoyed meals at, pubs we drank beers at and had long chats and laughs just enjoying each others company. We did almost everything together, so every where I go I have moments of sadness that he is no longer with me. Even doing the grocery shopping or going to a mens store to buy my dad a birthday gift, knowing that I am no longer shopping for Max. It' makes me sad. Going to be bed is the most difficult, not having him by my side. No longer spooning me, feeling his warm body against mine with his hands cupped around my breasts, feeling and hearing his breath on my ear. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Fuck I miss him so much, I thought it was meant to get easier but it's not.

17 comments:

Bea said...

I don't think it's meant to get easier yet. The time frames are going to be very individual, of course, but to my mind it would be very soon for just about anyone. Wishing you strength and staying power.

Bea

MrsSpock said...

A million hugs...

PaleMother said...

xxooxxoo

SLJ said...

hugs Vee,

Alex was a huge part of your life, it will take time, hang in there.

susan

Delenn said...

Wishing you comfort and peace.

maytey said...

I think it's lovely the way you are keeping him around you. Lots of hugs Vee xxxx

luna said...

everyone says time heals, vee, and to some extent it will. but you will always miss him and he will always be with you. some day that pain will subside, but it will still be a part of who you are. just as max is.

the other thing is -- and you've probably heard this before -- grief is not linear. even when you begin to regain some sense of your life again, those triggers will still be there, catching you offguard and knocking you over when you least expect it. but it will get easier as you grow stronger. hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Early days, Vee, early days. Hang on in there with your lovely Bubaboo. Love & hugs, xxx Alison

DaisyGal said...

Oh my sweet friend, my heart just aches for you.
Losing someone is never easy but losing Max for you, you must feel like a very big part of YOU is missing. Time will have to help you color that piece in, fill it up and heal it.
"getting easier" comes later, but he will always be the light in your day, the hope in your mind, the one thing that you did RIGHT. You loved him, you love him and that love WILL sustain you through the dark times, just like our love for you will...I may be a half a world away, but whenever you need to cry and someone to hold your hand while you do it, reach out and I'll grab.

HUGS and lots of love
xo

Miss Ruby said...

I didn't grieve for Dad when he passed over.

Now on the two year anniversary (tomorrow) I'm starting to, this is the most pain, the most sadness I've felt since he passed over.

I want to be able to tell you that the days get easier, the pain and grief subsides but I can't, grief is such a unique thing, it affects everyone so very differently.

My best advice is just go with the curve of it, feel what you need to feel in each moment.

xxx

Pundelina said...

I think (from experience) that grief reaches an equilibrium. It doesn't get easier, it's gets balanced.

I feel so much for you Vee.

x

serenitynowinfertile said...

My experience with grief is similar to what the others have said. It has its own timeline. And you're still in the early days.

Love and hugs and peace to you, Vee. Wish I could do more.

xoxo

alicia said...

I can't imagine how hard that would be, I think of Keith and all the things we do together and how painful seeing those things would be without him, I just can't imagine. HUGS

Kimberly said...

Big hugs. I am so sad for you, and I wish I could help.

Jules363 said...

I feel so desperately sad for you, Vee. There is definitely no time line on grief, and you are in the very early days.

Gil said...

Time honey. Just keep going, day by day, and give yourself some time to get through all of this. Be good to yourself and be patient with your emotions for they will get you through, little by little. It will get easier, but it's still so very early and I can well imagine that there are triggers all around you. Sending you and Bubaboo hugs and much love. As always.

Princess Jo said...

Keep going honey.

I am in awe of your strength.

Jo