Two Words

Thank you. 
All of you.
Yes you and you.
For being here for me, through another tough time in my life, the death of my beautiful mother.
Still grieving Max and then dealing with the death of my mum has been difficult, I probably haven't written about it as much as I have wanted to only because I can't express this grief and the feelings I have in words. So I stay silent. I don't like being silent on my blog. I need to write. I hope to write more in the new year.

I am also hoping for a better year next year. With good things happening around me, some changes, some travel and getting my business truly up and running.

I wish you and your families a very Happy New Year. Have fun and stay safe.

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I have to share this photo I just found whilst looking through some old ones. Max took it.

He loved his stuffed animals, I have mentioned that before. If he went to bed before me, he would always tuck a couple these little guys in on my side of the bed to greet me before I went to sleep. They always put a smile on my face. It was a nice little memory to have.

Merry Christmas And All That.

It certainly was a strange Christmas, quiet. I spent it split between my two brothers homes. One for lunch then the other for coffee, dessert and swim. The sun finally shown in Sydney. If you haven't heard already from all the whinging, Sydney has had a shitty wet and cool Summer, so far. It's raining as I type. But we were fortunate to get a swim in yesterday which was great. Boo had a wonderful day, he was really into Christmas this year, he was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. It is just too cute to hear him say that. He loved opening his presents. It was so delightful to watch him.

I missed my Mum a lot and Max too. For Christmas Eve, I went to the Mary McKillop Chapel. My Mum used to go there once a month when they had a special service. I never went with her. I wish I had. I cried through the Christmas service whilst every one was singing Holy Night, regretting that I had never sat on the pew with her. I know she was there with me.

I made Christmas cards this year, like I do every year only this year I didn't send them. I didn't want to, I didn't have the same Christmas spirit. So I didn't.

I hope all that celebrated had a lovely day with family and friends. I tried. I mostly succeeded.

The Missing Pieces.

Christmas is going to be very different this year....without my Mum, without Max.
By this time my Mum would have baked hundreds of Italian biscuits and made cannoli and all the specials xmas treats she used make. This year we wont be enjoying any of them. It's sad that Boo wont remember her, that he wont remember her love for cooking and food. The wonderful talent she had that bought us all so much joy, that Max was always in awe of. I have been crying a lot for Mum lately, I miss her terribly. It was her birthday on Monday, it was a prticularly hard day to get through, but all the firsts are, I know because I have already experienced it with Max. I just need to get through this Christmas the best I can and enjoy it for my Boo's sake.

Boo helped me put the Christmas tree up yesterday. He loved helping. The only problem is that he has continued to put the decorations up and down on the tree since yesterday! It was a bittersweet moment, watching him put the decorations up. It was something I always wanted to share with Max. I kept thinking of the discussions I had with Max about when we would upgrade our tree and it was always wait till we have kids and we will get a bigger better one then. So now I have a kid, a bigger tree but no Max.

I bought Boo a Little People Nativity set and gave it to him once we had completed putting the tree up. He loves it. I really gave this gift to him on behalf of my Mum, I know that if she had seen it she would have wanted to buy it for him. You see ever since I can remember, my mother put out a nativity. She would lay down the plastic fake grass and build her nativity with all her ceramic pieces that she had bought from Italy when we went there when I was 5. Over the years some of the pieces had broken and were cracked or glued backed together, it had gone through all of us kids. It didn't come out for a few years not until the grandchildren started arriving then out it came again, every Christmas up until the last.

So now we have our own nativity and I want to put it up every year and remember my Mum.

*Boo insists that the lamb should be in the manger instead of baby Je-sus.

Missing Someone.

I came across this on FB and it's just so true. Between missing Max and missing my Mum, it happens so frequently to me. Some times I surprise myself as to how well I am getting on, keeping very busy is helping I must admit. Then there are other days, when I do don't do too well.
I went to a friends wedding yesterday it was a gorgeous day and a beautiful wedding. Lots of fun catching up with friends, lots of laughs and giggles like the old times. But I wish Max was sitting with me at the table enjoying the day, getting up and having a dance, laughing together, enjoying some wine. Telling me I look beautiful although I never felt it, he made sure he told me how beautiful I looked and smothered me with hugs and kisses.

Days like that are the days I miss him so much.

As The Days go By.

Thank you all for my birthday wishes. The day went by and as expected it just wasn't the same. It never will be. So I just dealt with it. I stayed in my pj's for as long as I could until a friend called and asked if we wanted to go the park, so we had a bite to eat and took the kids to the park. After an usually hot day on Friday we had a cold snap the next so it was freezing. Yesterday my sister organised for my dad and some of my family to go out to lunch and that was nice even though it was absolutely teaming down with rain. But I certainly did miss my Mum and Max, a lot.

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I still haven't decorated my new home. Not long after I moved in my mum got really sick so I spent most of my free time with her, then she passed away and I really didn't care much for doing anything around the house. I have decided that it's time to get it organised and make it the home I want it to be.

About a month ago, Boo decided that he didn't want to sleep in his cot nor his room any more. He is sleeping in the spare bedroom in a Queen size bed. I need to change that. I am taking my old single bed frame from my Mum and Dads, I have bought him a new single mattress.  I am going to move the Queen bed into what is currently his room and convert the spare room into Boo's room with the single bed. It all takes time and a lot the furniture moving I can't do I on my own, so I need to get some helping hands. I had put some money aside to buy a new couch, the current one is 10 years old and it is due to be updated. I found a really good deal, but the only colour I thought would work with my furniture was red. I couldn't decide in my typical Libran way if I should get it or not. After some help from my Facebook friends I decided to get it. Today I ordered it! And now I am quite excited about it.

My sister bought me a lovely new quilt cover for my birthday, it's nice and summery. So now I can work on my room too. I need to get some curtains, the ones that are in there are black and way too dark. My clothes are are still in baskets because I never really got to unpack them properly and now I am thinking well we are between seasons and I am going to have to pack away my winter clothes soon and pull out my Summer. I just want it all to be done now, so I can just enjoy my home. I will get there hopefully sooner rather than later. When it's all done I hope to post some pics. So that is my new project to work on.

I still wish that my Mum had seen this home with all the furniture in it even though it's not quite set up.

I'll Cry If I Want To.

I had to ask someone how old I was turning the other day. After 40 I just haven't kept up, it's strange. Maybe I just don't want to know. I turn 43 today.

Boo woke up at 5am, thanks son for my birthday present. I know you just want my day to feel that little bit longer. I miss Max, no morning birthday cuddles, no early happy birthdays, no special gifts, no extra I love yous. I miss my Mum too. It's only 6am I have the whole day ahead of me with no plans at all, but I know it's not going to be the same without them.

I will try and enjoy it and make the most of it with my Boo.

How Much Grief is Enough?

I go to call my Mum many times through out the day. That's what I used to do, call her check up on her see how she is going that day, see if she needed anything. It makes me sad that I can no longer hear her voice asking what I am doing, what Boo is up to, laughing at the new funny thing he does, giving me suggestions on what to cook for dinner. I miss her.

I was telling Bea in an email after she asked how I was feeling "I don't know, a bit strange like I am grieving but almost feel like it's not enough. I keep comparing the way I feel now with the way I felt when Max passed away and I don't feel like I am crying enough I know that must sound really stupid. But I am scared that time will pass and I will regret not grieving my Mothers death. Perhaps it really hasn't hit me yet? I don't know it's strange." Bea's response made sense, she is good like that. I am struggling lately getting my words out.

Firstly, we know our parents are going to die, we are told usually at a young age whether we understand it or want to believe it is a different story. As an adult it is maybe easier to accept.  Also because my Mum had cancer for such a long time, I knew that death was on the cards it was a matter of when. When she was first diagnosed, I cried and cried for months, my whole world was falling apart. I was angry, no way was I going to lose my mother to cancer. I researched everything I could possibly find on her type of cancer and fed my head with it all. I looked into treatments and alternative treatments, spoke to Dr's , alternative health Dr's etc. I wanted and needed to know that my Mum was getting the best treatment that was available. My life was taken over by the need for information, sucking it all up like a kid drinking a chocolate milkshake, slurping at the very bottom, not content until I had everything I could possibly get. It was the only way I could help her it was the only I knew how to cope, to actually be doing something for her. This was 13 years ago, cancer did not touch everyone one you knew in some way like it does today. Back then when someone was diagnosed with cancer, it meant death. There has been a lot progress in curing or preventing cancer in since then (but that is a whole other post) I was pre- grieving back then, I have been pre-grieving for 13 years and perhaps that is why now I don't feel like I am grieving enough. Don't get me wrong I am still grieving, but just not like I was for Max. And I still hate that I can compare the two. It's called anticipatory grief and I first learnt about it when I saw a counselor before Max passed away. It had a name and I didn't even know. I thought I was just going crazy.

A couple of nights ago, my Mum visited me in a dream. I don't recall the dream but I do know that I was very emotional. Since then I feel a bit more comfortable with how I am grieving and the amount I am grieving. Maybe she told me not to beat myself up about it and she knows how much I love her and miss her. You probably think it's strange that I have to weigh up how much grief is enough, even wrong, but she was my Mother and I can never give her enough of anything.

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It was Fathers Day on Sunday. So I took Boo to visit his Daddy, I tend not to take him too often, I usually go on my own, perhaps when he is a little older if he wishes I will take him to see his Daddy regularly. He made a present for him.

Happy Fathers Day - We miss you lots. xx

The Funeral

I don't think I can even write about my Mums funeral in detail. I will say that is was a beautiful celebration of her life. There were close to 350 people there, she touched so many peoples lives. She was amazing my Mum, and I am not just saying that because she is my Mum, you can ask anyone who knew her. Boo was on his best behavior, he slept through half of the service then was a angel for the rest of the day. We joked that my Mum sprinkled fairy dust on him for the day, considering he was so naughty and throwing huge tantrums every time we would go and visit my Mum at the hospital before she passed away. So she thought she would make sure he was on his best behavior on her day. It worked :)

Three of my nephews did a wonderful job in writing and reading her Eulogy. I am going to pinch a couple of lines from it.

"People just wanted to be around Nonna. She took great pleasure in all these simple things and despite the hurdles she faced, life was so “uncomplicated”. Her amazing zest for life attracted and inspired even perfect strangers. And through this she taught us all the importance of community.

Her food was much more than a means of filling you up – it was a simple and encompassing act of love. It displayed a cherishment of family. A reason for togetherness and sharing. Discussions were made over cups of coffee and plates of sweets. Both eating and making the food were great excuses to be together."

She was beautiful, loving, caring, warm, nurturing, a great cook, a great craftswoman, a great cleaner, great wife, a great mother, a great grandmother and a great great-grandmother. She had quite an opened mind for age at 76. She was accepting of everyone and always had her arms open.

She will always be my Mum xx

The Viewing

I sat on the front pew with my Dad and brothers and sister in the church, Boo was at home being looked after by a couple of my friends. I could hear the whispers behind me as my mothers family and friends arrived to visit her for the last time.
The most beautiful casket I have ever seen was wheeled into the church, my sister in law chose it for her. Nothing but the best for our Mum.  The funeral people opened up the casket. My Dad started howling, he continues to speak with her asking why she left him. We all started to sob, there was no way of stopping the tears. When I saw her she looked yellow, it took a while for the eyes to adjust and only focus on her beautiful face. Once I stopped crying and cleared my eyes, I noticed she was not  wearing any make-up, not even lipstick. I got my sisters attention and told her that Mum would be horrified, she would never leave the house without lipstick. She agreed. She told the funeral people, she offered them her lipstick and they applied it to her respectfully. It was amazing how different she looked, now it was my Mum.

We had an opportunity to say our goodbyes. I got up and kissed her forehead many times, it was so cold, frozen cold. My Mum was always warm, with a huge warm heart. But I couldn't kiss her enough. I just wanted to hold her, I cried. My eldest brother put his arm around me to comfort me. She looked beautiful in her dress that she had chosen, her pearl earrings and matching necklace. She took with her her handbag, in it was her prayer book a new one so she could start fresh and her Rosary beads, and also an Italian deck of cards. She taught all the grandkids to play 31, she loved to win and often even cheated. She would pull out her jar full of five cent pieces so they had money to play with. So she had a five cent piece in her bag for every child and grandchild. I put a photo of Boo and I in her prayer book with a note written on the back. I want her to show Max. Anyone that wanted to give her something did, I saw my nephew give her one his music cd's. She was always there to support him and his music, even going to his Pub gigs, that's just the woman she was. She was proud.

As the chant of the Rosary was being said, I couldn't take my eyes off her. My beautiful mum. The Rosary was completed and we said our final farewell. I kissed her frozen forehead again and put my hand on her heart. Good bye Mum, I love you. The casket was closed.

After the Viewing the entire family went back to my Dad's house, it always used to be "Mum's house" even though they both lived there. If someone would ask where are you going, the response would be " To Mums" It's been a difficult habit to break. It was the first time back to the house for me and many of the others. There were lots of tears and first sitings of some of my Mum's possessions were hard to take. The hardest for me was seeing her chair empty. Where she would sit and crochet or knit. It was her chair and she was there not that long ago doing this......

She will no longer sit in this chair, ever.

My Dad has been a real mess, but it's expected. I remember that all too well, going back home after Max died and finding his things everywhere, he was everywhere, just like my Mum is everywhere.
I miss my Mum x

Mish Mash

I have so much to say. So much has happened the last couple of days, with my Mums viewing, visiting her home, then her funeral yesterday and today it's my gorgeous Boo's 2nd birthday. My head is spinning my emotions are everywhere. I will come back once I can sort things out in this head of mine.

Thank you all for you kind words. xx

Angry

I am angry, angry, angry! I don't get angry very often. I am making up for it now. I am angry with my family, angry with my friends, angry with Boo, and at the universe. Just pissed off is what I am.

I am feeling so lonely, I have a huge family and heaps of friends but I feel like have no one to hold me when I am cry. I am missing Max terribly, he used to always be there for me, to listen to me, to hold me. I need to feel his embrace right now. So we can cry in each others arms.

Fuck the universe.

She will always be beautiful.

When Max died he was angry, he didn't want to leave. He wasn't ready, he had too much to live for, he had me, he had his beautiful Boo his life as a family was just beginning. He was enjoying his work, loving his hobbies, had so many dreams to fulfill. His cancer made him feel ugly. He had a good reason to die angry. The image of his last days is stuck in my head I can't wipe it, it haunts me.

My Mum on the other hand, she died peacefully, she was beautiful even after she took her last gasp of air. She was ready. She was in wonderful hands at Palliative care, she was comfortable and she said she felt safe there. She was scared to be at home. I hate that I can even compare the two, my most cherished people in this world apart from Boo. The image of my Mums last days is beautiful, she didn't change at all, she just looked like my Mum. She almost died with a smile on her face. I can carry that image in my head without it haunting me. She is always beautiful. She took a lot of pride in what she looked like. She always wore beautiful jewelry, everything had to match. She always looked a million bucks, she put me to shame. She often hounded on me about what I was wearing. I need to be comfortable, often not to her liking.

Her request is that she wants a viewing and rosary, I am not sure how I am going to stomach seeing her. But we are doing everything to make her look as beautiful as she always did. Another request before she died was that they didn't put too much make-up on her. She was just a lipstick and a little blush woman. We will make sure of that.

My Mum will always beautiful.

Numb

I am feeling really numb, it hasn't really hit me that my Mum has died. I think it might the day of the funeral. I don't know, my grief is kind of all over the place. Grieving for my Mum and Max and everything we have lost not having these two beautiful souls in our lives. I know they are together and I believe that they are happy and at peace. It's this sense I am getting.

My family has been busy organising my Mums funeral, we are a big family 5 siblings. So by the time everyone has their say, and is delegated something well it takes time. Some things my Mum had already decided on, like what dress she wanted to wear but not until her final days, because according to her she wasn't going anywhere and it wasn't until she was ready that she bought it up. Unlike with Max we had pretty much everything organised, even though it was really difficult at the time to talk about it, it made everything soooo much easier during this difficult time.

I have so much to say but I am feeling pretty exhausted, emotionally drained and also due to lack of sleep.

R.I.P. Mum

You gave it all you had, I wish I had half the strength you had.  I know your faith got you through this, in the end you were defeated but not without a good fight. You fought the dragon for 13 years, who does that? Only a super woman like you.

I can't say good bye. You are my Mum, always my Mum. I can't let you go, even though you have left. Left us to meet Max, your Mum and your brother.

You are no longer suffering I am happy for that, but I want you here. You were meant to come and see our new house, you where so looking forward to it, dam it!

I love you, I miss you xx

Where We Are At.

I realised why all my thoughts and words to express them have been so difficult to write or even talk about. It's my happy pills. I should have worked it our sooner, but I thought it was just me.  You now grieving, dealing with life. I am feeling so flat, lifeless and lazy. I am usually a doer I get things done, I am always out and about but lately I can't be stuffed doing anything. Although I am rarely home, I always have something to do, mainly consisting of visiting my Mum. Having said that, I think Winter has a lot to do with it too. I can't wait for the warmer weather to get out on our adventures again. I don't want to come off my happy pills, not yet anyway. Firstly I think there is still a lot I have to deal with to come, secondly I am scared of the reaction I will have coming off them. The few days I have forgotten to take them, I have felt horrible not only mentally but physically too. So it scares me and I am not ready to deal with that yet.

Visiting my Mum has become really difficult with Boo, twice now he has thrown the biggest tantrums of his short life whilst trying to leave. OMG! The whole throwing himself on the floor thing, You know the kind, the ones that you see other peoples kids chucking in the shopping centres. Not MY kid!
So I will need to work something out and take him less regularly, yesterday was the first day I didn't go and see her because I just couldn't deal with it. It was actually nice to have a full day at home without having to go anywhere. We really haven't had much time to enjoy our new home yet. We had friends come in the afternoon for a play, they enjoyed the backyard and Boos new playroom. And I loved spending some quality time with him. Although he is cheeky and throws tantrums he still makes me smile and laugh every day.

My Mum has another lung infection, so is on more antibiotics. They have now connected her to a Pump, just like the one Max had so they can administer her morphine through it. She is still struggling to get a lot of her meds down. She is pretty zonked out on morphine, but she is comfortable and for the moment ok.

Sunday is the day Boo and I are doing the City2Surf gulp! I had so many good intentions I was going to train and get fit and well lets just say it all fell through the window. I am excited but nervous, scared I am going to pass out or have a heartache on Heartbreak Hill. You think I am joking don't you? All I can do is try my best now.
My fundraising has been going well and that is what has been important to me. Almost reaching our goal of $1500 between Boo and I for the Rainbows For Kate foundation.

So if you are watching the race or doing the race and you see a team wearing these T- Shirts then say Hi!

Packing Shmacking

I am SO over packing my goodness, it has taken a lot longer than I expected. It doesn't help when you have a very curious toddler who has to pull things out of boxes as you put them in!

It took 3 days to pack the office, there was so much paperwork to sift through everything had to be read before being ripped up and trashed or kept. Max held onto paper work, he was a paperwork hoarder!
It was emotional finding old photos, cards and notes going through his wallet that was still left untouched on his on his desk, there were lots of tears but I did it, I got through what I thought would be the toughest part of packing. And tough it was, but I no longer have to stress about doing it, it is now behind me. I have put all of his special things including his clothes in a big storage box. I look at the box and think that is all the tangible stuff I have of him , Max in a box. I wonder what would be in my box?

The big plastic bag is still in the wardrobe, everything around it packed, the bag left alone. I will get to it, perhaps open it, perhaps not.

I get the key tomorrow, I still have so much to do, but at the moment I just feel like sleeping I am so tired.

Bea and her family came over, she has an absolutely gorgeous family. Boo had a great time playing with P and Bea says P told her he did too. I took some photos but I am not very happy with them, which I am a bummed about. We had a lovely afternoon anyway and it was so great to see them.

I better get packing whilst Boo has a nap, no little fingers pulling things our of boxes.

One of the cards I found. It had a photo of a frog on the outside and inside Max wrote this.
I posted it on FB yesterday when I found it and a friend suggested I get another tattoo with the heart and crown. I kind of like the idea.

What would be in your box? What tangible things would you want family/friends to keep of yours after you passed?

I would want them to keep my jewelery, I don't have much but the pieces I have are pretty special. Also my artworks and some items I have collected and bought on my travels. That's about it.

It's All Good.

On Tuesday I called the real estate agent to ask when I would find out if I was successful in my application for the house. I was told I would find out on Wednesday, so I went on with my day. It wasn't till late that night when I put my mobile on the charger that I saw I had a missed call. It was the agent telling me apologetically that I had missed out on the house. I was devastated. So tired of trawling through online rental sites to find something that was decent enough to inspect, juggling my Saturdays and choosing houses that were open when Boo wasn't napping. I was tired. The real estate agent had told they didn't discriminate against single parents, but I was so sure they did!

On Wednesday I dropped Boo off a daycare and started on the million and one errands I had to do. When I got a phone call from the real estate agent to tell me that the first tenants application had fallen through and the landlord was happy to take us on. Ok I ate me words maybe they don't discriminate. Whoohooo, I was so excited. I couldn't believe we got the house. I went and paid the deposit that afternoon. I get the keys on the 15th and have the weekend to clean it up before getting the removalists on the 17th. I can't believe we are finally going to have a new home! I was running on adrenalin that afternoon, not knowing what to do first. OMG I need to pack, I need a removalist, I need carpet cleaners I need, I need, I need.....my head spinning. I do have lots to do and I will get it done. There was an opening for an extra day at day care nest week so I will be sans Boo for two days, they are the days I intend to get the bulk of the packing done. I intend to hold a garage sale on next Saturday to get rid of a whole heap of stuff too, so lots to organise.

Yesterday whilst driving to my Mum and Dads, it kind all sunk in. That I was leaving the house, the many memories of Max behind. There will be no new memories of Max in the new house and well that makes me really sad. It's one of those situations where, I want to keep the good memories and throw away the bad. The fun times we had in the house, the laughter the love we had. I remember Max calling me into Boo's room before he was born standing over his cot. He put his arms around me and said we are going to have a baby sleeping in there soon. Our baby. He was so excited. He held me and told me he loved me. I want to stand over Boo's cot in THAT room and remember that moment forever, I want to take it with me. Then there are the bad moments of Max collapsing after throwing up from chemo, I had a screaming Boo in my arms and a passed out husband on the laundry floor. That memory can stay. I can't stay here forever and overall, I really think it's a good thing. I know this house is ridiculously expensive and I am going to have to really tighten my belt but apart from that, it's all good. Isn't it?

Dear Blog.

Dear Blog,

I am sorry I have neglected you, I have so much to say but don't know where to start, so I don't say anything.

Do I tell you how I have started my City2Surf training?

Do I tell you about how today I opened Max's music CD cabinet to look for some music to blast through the house whilst I packed some of Boos toys away and as soon as I saw the CD titles I burst into tears? I just saw Max all over, I felt his presence, there are so many memories in that cabinet. Max and I connected over music, something we loved and shared.

Do I tell you about how Boo is fighting a throat infection and a nasty cough? He is on his first ever course of antibiotics. He isn't sleeping well, so neither am I. I am tired.

Do I tell you how I am really hating Winter and it's only just started?

Do I tell you about how terribly lonely I am feeling?

Do I tell you how over I am looking for a new home?

Do I tell you how we have a mouse in the house!?

Do I tell you about how I am thinking of taking my photography a bit more seriously and perhaps trying to make some dollars out of it?

Do I tell you how I have been neglecting my fellow bloggers by not reading and/or commenting?

Do I, do I?

Perhaps when I feel a little less screwed in the head I may.

The Letter

 Ever since Max's year anniversary I have been thinking about his father a lot. I had been doing really well thinking of him as dead, but subconsciously it is still eating me up. I decided to write him a letter. I haven't sent it to him and not even sure I will, but I just needed to get a few things off my chest, tell it to him how it is.

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Dear D,

You are probably wondering why I am writing to you. Well, it is something I need to do to help with my grieving process.

Just to let you know, I did not advise you of Max's passing because that was his wish. I granted that. I know you know that.

I need to tell you how very disappointed I am at the way you treated Max, your dying son. You could have easily made his last days happier yet you made no effort to. Do you blame yourself for his death? Don't do that, don't play the sympathy card. However you can blame yourself for adding to your sons unhappiness. All he ever wanted from you was your love, as a Father. He reached out to you many times yet you kept pushing him away. Trying to help him when it was not necessary by finding some "miracle drug" which Max had researched many times and only to make yourself feel good,  not supporting him through the choices he made when he needed you most. You knew your son was dying and you walked away. Just like that. How easy it was for you, just to walk away. What Father does that, disown their dying son, for no reason that either Max or myself could ever comprehend, during a time of need?

You bought a knew Puppy because your other dog was dying and you didn't want your second dog to be lonely when he died. What did you do for your son when you knew he was dying? Nothing. You didn't even come to visit him. Sit by his side, hold his hand, kiss his forehead. The last couple of months for Max were very difficult. He was in a lot of pain, he was skin and bones, he had no strength he fell over many times and broke bones. I was his full time carer looking after my sick husband and a baby, it wasn't til the last few weeks of his life that I asked for help and there everyone was, my family and our friends all helping out looking after YOUR son. YOUR beautiful son. Everybody loved him and they showed it in anyway they could. You didn't even know him never mind loving him, you never asked what he was up to, you never asked about his interests, his hobbies, his work. He felt like he could never live up to your expectations, yet he was happy with what he had achieved in his life,  he was happy in our life together, he loved being a father to his beautiful son. He was a great father for the short time that he was one. He was so excited that he called you and told you that our son was born, you would have been more excited if he told you he had a bought a puppy dog, that was what he told me. He was so disappointed in you, something great had happened in his life that he wished to share with his own Father and you didn't even care enough to come and meet your grandson or even send a card. Instead you pushed Max further away and no more words were ever spoken.

Max appreciated that you bought him out to Australia, a country he loved and called his home, but he told me that you always made him feel like he owed you something for it. You can can never do something just for good, you always expect something in return, even if it is just to feed your huge ego. I was never bought up like that so I find it difficult to understand. If my parents gave Max an apple they gave him that apple with all their love and heart, they never expected anything in return, it's because they loved your son just like one of their own.

Your sons needed you and for one of them it's too late. When my son is old enough and asks about his Grandfather, I will be telling him the truth, as I know it. That he never cared about his Father, he didn't love him and he didn't want to meet his grandson. But that is ok, because our boy has all the love that he needs, he will grow up knowing that his Father would be proud of anything that he pursues as long as he is happy and healthy that is all that matters. He certainly wont be missing you in his life.

Goodbye D.

"Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle" Soren Kierkegaard

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What do you think? Should I send it to him? I know I feel better for writing it.

He Who Must Not Be Named

I have been in a real slump the last few weeks. I am struggling, today I really came crashing down. Nothing seems to be going my way. Lot's of things are going through my head, ideas, thoughts, to do lists, Max, grieving, etc etc. I so want a new home, but I just can't find anything suitable, if I move and have to pay more money I really want to be able to tick all the right boxes. I keep imagining us in our knew home and all the things I want to do, but I can't. So I wait.

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Boo has become challenging, he is adorable and amazing and a wonderful little character and I love him to bits but he is into EVERYTHING! He has also had a bad cold so is really snotty and keeps him awake of a night which means I am up all night too. I am tired. Trying to get the usual things done around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing and looking after and entertaining him on my own all the time bar one day when he is at daycare is exhausting. I take my hat off to all the single parents out there that have more than one. I have also caught his cold, which is making feel pretty miserable.

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Then this morning, actually yesterday morning, something happened. I pooed lots of blood, it scared the crap out of me (excuse the pun). Sorry if it's too much information but yeah, I went to the loo yesterday and the bowl was full of blood and this morning was the same. Then I went to Dr Google and I didn't like what I read, so I took myself to my GP tonight. She stuck a thing up my bum, think pap smear, and it bled and bled it took her by surprise. She seems to think it's an internal haemorrhoid and I am so pleased if it is what it is. Because my mind was racing and thinking of the C word. So hopefully some suppositories will do the job. Phew!

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I hadn't seen my GP in a while, considering we used to see her a couple of times a week when Max was alive, but it's a good thing I suppose. She even said she thought we had disowned her when I walked in to see her. We have a pretty good relationship, she tells me how it is even if it's not what I want hear. I always walk out of her surgery in tears, I walk out of there and tell the receptionists that she has done it again and blow my nose, and we have a laugh. I usually cry because she talks about Max with me, she knew him. She has know him for about 9 years. I love that she can speak his name so freely. Not many people do that, actually only my Mother does that. I wish more people would speak about him, remember that he was here. He was real. He is no Lord Voldemort. After Max passed away I actually gave her one of Max's artworks printed and framed. It hangs in her surgery. Coincidentally it is "Think Big" His pink elephant artwork that is on the postcards that Alexandra printed and also one of the artworks now hanging at the Cancer ward. That is why what Eden and Alexandra did is so very special to me, it made others speak his name, remember him, remember Max. I tell people about what they did, so I can speak Max's name and they can speak of him too. He deserved that so much. I still tear up just thinking how bloody amazing the whole art caper thing is.