As The Days go By.

Thank you all for my birthday wishes. The day went by and as expected it just wasn't the same. It never will be. So I just dealt with it. I stayed in my pj's for as long as I could until a friend called and asked if we wanted to go the park, so we had a bite to eat and took the kids to the park. After an usually hot day on Friday we had a cold snap the next so it was freezing. Yesterday my sister organised for my dad and some of my family to go out to lunch and that was nice even though it was absolutely teaming down with rain. But I certainly did miss my Mum and Max, a lot.

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I still haven't decorated my new home. Not long after I moved in my mum got really sick so I spent most of my free time with her, then she passed away and I really didn't care much for doing anything around the house. I have decided that it's time to get it organised and make it the home I want it to be.

About a month ago, Boo decided that he didn't want to sleep in his cot nor his room any more. He is sleeping in the spare bedroom in a Queen size bed. I need to change that. I am taking my old single bed frame from my Mum and Dads, I have bought him a new single mattress.  I am going to move the Queen bed into what is currently his room and convert the spare room into Boo's room with the single bed. It all takes time and a lot the furniture moving I can't do I on my own, so I need to get some helping hands. I had put some money aside to buy a new couch, the current one is 10 years old and it is due to be updated. I found a really good deal, but the only colour I thought would work with my furniture was red. I couldn't decide in my typical Libran way if I should get it or not. After some help from my Facebook friends I decided to get it. Today I ordered it! And now I am quite excited about it.

My sister bought me a lovely new quilt cover for my birthday, it's nice and summery. So now I can work on my room too. I need to get some curtains, the ones that are in there are black and way too dark. My clothes are are still in baskets because I never really got to unpack them properly and now I am thinking well we are between seasons and I am going to have to pack away my winter clothes soon and pull out my Summer. I just want it all to be done now, so I can just enjoy my home. I will get there hopefully sooner rather than later. When it's all done I hope to post some pics. So that is my new project to work on.

I still wish that my Mum had seen this home with all the furniture in it even though it's not quite set up.

We Made It To The Otherside.

I finally got my internet and phone hooked up so I should be writing a huge post because it has been a HUGE couple of weeks, but I am too tired and don't have the enegry to gather my thoughts. So here is a brief post.

We are in our new home, which we love. I wish Max was here to enjoy it with us, he too would love it. I miss him terribly.

Two things that I didn't realise about this house one is how damp it is, I am hoping it will improve as the weather warms up. I don't like that musty smell. And two we have a Jacaranda tree in our backyard. Every time I see it and especially when it flowers I will think of Max.

Unpacking has been a nightmare, such a slow process with a toddler and mostly on my own. It got me really down because unrealistically I wanted to be in our new home and settled immediately but it hasn't happened and it wont for some time. And now I am ok with that, but not before lots of tears. One day at a time and slowly but surely.

My Mum is really not well, she is losing her battle. She is extremely breathless and has lost a lot of her mobility in the last couple of days, her legs are swelling up and is finding it difficult even to get up out a chair. It's all deja vous to me and really is breaking my heart.

I will leave you with snippets of our new home.

Boo and the Jacaranda tree.

Boo enjoying his new play area.

I have always wanted a big photo wall, now I have one. This is a work in progress.

The dining room, the only fully unpacked functioning room so far.

The dining room.

I will be back soon.

Don't know When I'll be Back Again

As of tomorrow I will minus my internet connection until I get hooked again at my new home, I don't know how long it's going to take.
So I will leave you with some pics of our new home.

View from my back deck. Yes that is the tip of the Sydney Harbour Bridge on the left and the City on right.

Cute hey?

Packing Shmacking

I am SO over packing my goodness, it has taken a lot longer than I expected. It doesn't help when you have a very curious toddler who has to pull things out of boxes as you put them in!

It took 3 days to pack the office, there was so much paperwork to sift through everything had to be read before being ripped up and trashed or kept. Max held onto paper work, he was a paperwork hoarder!
It was emotional finding old photos, cards and notes going through his wallet that was still left untouched on his on his desk, there were lots of tears but I did it, I got through what I thought would be the toughest part of packing. And tough it was, but I no longer have to stress about doing it, it is now behind me. I have put all of his special things including his clothes in a big storage box. I look at the box and think that is all the tangible stuff I have of him , Max in a box. I wonder what would be in my box?

The big plastic bag is still in the wardrobe, everything around it packed, the bag left alone. I will get to it, perhaps open it, perhaps not.

I get the key tomorrow, I still have so much to do, but at the moment I just feel like sleeping I am so tired.

Bea and her family came over, she has an absolutely gorgeous family. Boo had a great time playing with P and Bea says P told her he did too. I took some photos but I am not very happy with them, which I am a bummed about. We had a lovely afternoon anyway and it was so great to see them.

I better get packing whilst Boo has a nap, no little fingers pulling things our of boxes.

One of the cards I found. It had a photo of a frog on the outside and inside Max wrote this.
I posted it on FB yesterday when I found it and a friend suggested I get another tattoo with the heart and crown. I kind of like the idea.

What would be in your box? What tangible things would you want family/friends to keep of yours after you passed?

I would want them to keep my jewelery, I don't have much but the pieces I have are pretty special. Also my artworks and some items I have collected and bought on my travels. That's about it.

A Post in Points

- Packing! Oh how I hate you, just as well there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just can't see it yet.

- I am starting to bury myself in boxes, yet if feels like I haven't done anything. SO much to do.

- I keep putting off packing the hard stuff, the emotional stuff , I know I need to get to it eventually but I don't really want to deal with it.

- I am having a Garage sale on Saturday, which is probably crazy but something I need to do. Hoping to make enough money to buy a lawn mower for the new place.

- I get the keys to the house next Friday, Yay! I used the excuse of having to take some measurements at the house so I could check it out again and I LOVE  it even more now I can't wait to get in there.

- I have been fortunate there have been some openings at Boo's daycare because of the school holidays so I have managed to get him in an extra day a week. I did SO much in those two days without him.

- Bea is going to be in Sydney this weekend she and her family are coming over (they may need to sit on the floor or boxes) but I get to meet Surprise Baby! I am looking forward to seeing them again. I am going to take some family photos for her hopefully I get some decent ones, still lots to learn on my new camera.

- Haven't been able to catch up on blogs, so what's been happening in your life?

It's All Good.

On Tuesday I called the real estate agent to ask when I would find out if I was successful in my application for the house. I was told I would find out on Wednesday, so I went on with my day. It wasn't till late that night when I put my mobile on the charger that I saw I had a missed call. It was the agent telling me apologetically that I had missed out on the house. I was devastated. So tired of trawling through online rental sites to find something that was decent enough to inspect, juggling my Saturdays and choosing houses that were open when Boo wasn't napping. I was tired. The real estate agent had told they didn't discriminate against single parents, but I was so sure they did!

On Wednesday I dropped Boo off a daycare and started on the million and one errands I had to do. When I got a phone call from the real estate agent to tell me that the first tenants application had fallen through and the landlord was happy to take us on. Ok I ate me words maybe they don't discriminate. Whoohooo, I was so excited. I couldn't believe we got the house. I went and paid the deposit that afternoon. I get the keys on the 15th and have the weekend to clean it up before getting the removalists on the 17th. I can't believe we are finally going to have a new home! I was running on adrenalin that afternoon, not knowing what to do first. OMG I need to pack, I need a removalist, I need carpet cleaners I need, I need, I need.....my head spinning. I do have lots to do and I will get it done. There was an opening for an extra day at day care nest week so I will be sans Boo for two days, they are the days I intend to get the bulk of the packing done. I intend to hold a garage sale on next Saturday to get rid of a whole heap of stuff too, so lots to organise.

Yesterday whilst driving to my Mum and Dads, it kind all sunk in. That I was leaving the house, the many memories of Max behind. There will be no new memories of Max in the new house and well that makes me really sad. It's one of those situations where, I want to keep the good memories and throw away the bad. The fun times we had in the house, the laughter the love we had. I remember Max calling me into Boo's room before he was born standing over his cot. He put his arms around me and said we are going to have a baby sleeping in there soon. Our baby. He was so excited. He held me and told me he loved me. I want to stand over Boo's cot in THAT room and remember that moment forever, I want to take it with me. Then there are the bad moments of Max collapsing after throwing up from chemo, I had a screaming Boo in my arms and a passed out husband on the laundry floor. That memory can stay. I can't stay here forever and overall, I really think it's a good thing. I know this house is ridiculously expensive and I am going to have to really tighten my belt but apart from that, it's all good. Isn't it?

The Hardest Part

* Warning- Vomit mentioned.

On Thursday I got some horrible stomach bug, with cramping and nausea, and just feeling really tired. It wasn't nice. On Saturday morning, Boo was sick and vomited all over the rug, I picked him up and as I trekked him into the bathroom he exploded again on the way, all over more of the carpet, a clean basket of clothes,  a couple of sheep skins, and it just trailed all over the house and all over himself. My poor boy, he wanted cuddles, so I cuddled his vomit covered little body. Took him in his room cleaned him up and put him in his cot whilst I tackled cleaning everything. I just looked around and I started gagging, I was sick I was feeling nauseous the last thing I needed to be doing was cleaning up someone elses vomit all over the house. I called my sister, didn't even look at the time it was early and I woke her sorry, but I was a mess. "how the fuck do I clean vomit from the carpet? " I asked whilst I continued to gag and cry. She gave me pointers, I hung up and cleaned it up the whole time gagging and dry reaching. Took the rug outside and hosed it down. Boo kept playing in his cot happy like nothing had happened. I managed to clean up the mess. Boo threw up 3 times and it wasn't until the third time I managed to get him to the bathroom in time, so there was more mess to clean up. By then I had had enough I put him down for a nap.

I think this so far this has been the hardest part of being a parent, having to look after a little one when you are feeling sick yourself. I am usually ok with vomit, gosh I couldn't have looked after Max if I wasn't, but when your tummy is feeling very delicate, oh boy, it's hard. All I wanted to do was sleep with a hot pack on my stomach, but I still had a very active toddler in the house, you would never had thought he had been sick at all.

After I put Boo down for a nap I sat on the couch and just sobbed. At this moment I thought I was going to have a break down. Everything had caught up with me, missing Max, my sick mum, my sick boy, my house in a shambles, half packed boxes, baskets of clothes to be folded, toys everywhere, I had two house inspections that day and most likely couldn't go and see them now. It was all too much. I cried and cried. I manged to pull myself together and called my sister in law and asked her if she could come over and look after Boo in the afternoon whilst I looked at the houses. I am so thankful she did and with much pleasure of course. Because I was really happy with one of the houses and put an application in for it. So fingers crossed it will be ours. Our new home, you have no idea how much I need this, this new home, this fresh start.

My Mum is doing ok, she seems to be getting a little stronger every day. Keeping some food down too which is great. She will be seeing her specialists this week, but I think she has decided to have no more intervention. My niece is leaving for a trip to Italy today for a month, so I know Mum will be staying extra strong to make sure she has a great trip and doesn't have to return in a hurry. Boo is also ok after his little episode it was just a 24hour thing and I am feeling fine too.

Now universe, listen here.....Please, please give us this house and continue to give my mother strength. Thanks.

It's a long way.

I put a house application in. I really, really want this house. It has everything we need and lots and lots of space. Hopefully find out tomorrow afternoon if I was successful or not. Fingers crossed.

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See that paragraph you just read, I wrote it whilst Boo was having his nap, that is far as I got because he woke up. I decided to take him to the park since the clouds were clearing after sporadic rain. Driving to the park, I received a call from the real estate agent to tell me I missed out on the house. Maaaaan I was bummed, I was so counting on that house. I shouldn't have got my hopes up but it was the first decent house I had seen that had everything! I was imagining where I was going to put the furniture, how I was going to decorate blah blah. It wasn't to be, hopefully something better comes up soon.

We did have some fun at the park though.

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I am finally getting organised to do start some training for the City2Surf. I bought a new pair of runners yesterday, I had my old ones for years and they where no longer comfortable. I was hoping to buy some funky ones, so I could maybe where them causally as well as for training. I am sure I have seen funky looking runners on people before but all I saw at the sportstore where these ugly things. Why are they so ugly? 

I ended up buying some boring white ones with a purple tick on them, but they are really comfortable. So I am going to start doing heaps of walking with Boo, and possibly look into a gym with a creche if I can find a good deal. It kind of dawned on me the other day that the run in 14kms, 14kms!!! That is a long, long walk. I can do it!

Running.

When we got back from Thailand I had the travel bug. Real bad. My feet where itching so badly. I was scratching so hard they were going to bleed. I wished I had stayed in Phuket longer, 10 days just wasn't long enough. So I researched and researched our next holiday destination. Thinking perhaps I could go to Italy for my cousins wedding in July and visit Max's Mum and brother in France, then I thought I would travel around Australia in a campervan all these ideas where exciting. But stupid, really. Phuket was a good test run for traveling alone with Boo, but Phuket was one destination, one direct flight, it was do-able. To travel to many destinations with many stops with Boo would be really challenging. But I wanted to go. I needed go, I wanted to run, run, run away. I soon realised what I really wanted was to run away from here, this house. I need to get out of this house. I wont call it my home, because a home is where you feel comfortable, somewhere you don't mind hanging out for long periods of time. I don't. Not any more. I wake every morning planning an outing with Boo. Although I love going on our adventures, I would also like to be able to stay in on an occasion and feel comfortable. The days we do stay at home, are horrible for both us. And I have done that pretty much every day since Max died, running, and I never realised I was doing it. Running away with out really going anywhere. This house is small and cluttered, it never really recovered after moving stuff around to cater for Max's needs, it never really recovered from the fundraiser that took over my house. I try and and organise things but all I am doing is shuffling. I keep shoving things into the office. The office is wall to wall full of stuff I don't have any where to put. It is also still untouched with Max's things. Things I haven't been able to bring myself to go through yet. Another reason to leave is that my sticky beak of a neighbor is making paranoid. Her compulsive lies have gotten out of hand, they now include me. She has been telling other neigbours that the neighborhood has gone down hill since we moved here, they used to have neighbourly BBQ's every Sunday now they don't. Seriously, that never happened no one goes near her house, never mind socialise with her. I am apparently telling people that she divorced her husband not that he died. Me? I rarely talk to my neighbours never mind talk to them about her! The landlord helped me put a privacy screen up so she could no longer snoop in my backyard,. He knows what she is like he used to live here before us.  She complained to Council and made us take it down. There are more episodes but I wont waste my time on her.  I don't need to be around her, I need to feel comfortable at home and not feel stressed. So it's time we move.

 I was looking into buying something, having a sea change. Live by the beach, it's my dream to live by the beach. The only place that is affordable is about one and half hours away.  Sydney beaches are ridiculously expensive and a no go zone unfortunately. I was quite excited by the idea, but when I looked into it it meant I would have to put all my savings into it as well as a loan. I would be paying the loan off and would have nothing to spare if there was any emergencies or any problems to fix with the house. Also the distance could be a factor, I would be too far from my parents, I would still make the trip down once a week to see them but I couldn't just pop over if they needed me for something. Also at the moment I do rely on my network of friends and family, even though I do have few internet friends by the beach who I would love to live close to it wouldn't be the same. My sister most of all I rely on, even if I just pop over for an afternoon it's still feels like I am getting a break with Boo as her and her family spend time with him. So I ditched the idea but only for now. I am considering reassessing in a couple of years and hopefully doing it then.

So for now I am going to have to pay more rent and move, I can't find anything for the price I am paying now for a 3 bedroom house unless I move further out west or up in the mountains ( Hi Eden!)  if I do that then I may as well move to the beach.  The paying of more rent sucks because it means I have to dip into my savings to pay the rent, but if it means my sanity then it will be worth every cent.

So for now I search and hope. I need this, I need a new beginning. I will never forget Max and all the time we spent in this house. The good, the bad and the very ugly. But it's time for a fresh start.

Neighbours

I have lovely neighbours, well mostly. I live in a quiet street with a wonderful huge park at the end of a dead end street.

There is Don & Mardge who live directly across the road, they are in their 70's. Marge has colon cancer and after being in remission it has returned. She has just completed a course of radiotherapy and it has hit her hard, just like it did Max. As I was putting the pram in the car on Friday preparing to visit my Mum, I waved at Don as he was bringing in his bin and asked how Marge was going. He crossed over the road and told me she wasn't doing very well. She is not eating, she can't keep anything down he said. I felt for him, he was on the verge of tears. All the feelings I had when Max went through the same thing rushed back to me. I wanted to give him a hug. Instead I told him what my GP told me when I went and saw her, crying that Max was no longer eating. "He will not die of starvation" and it was true. It's horrible watching your loved one not being able to eat a thing, I think the worst part is that you feel so helpless. And that is exactly what Don said. A couple of weeks ago I took her over some minestrone which she managed to keep down then. Then I took them over heaps of left over food from Bubbaboos birthday, even if Marge wasn't going to eat it at least Don had a couple of meals out of it. That night I took them some chicken and corn soup that I had made especially for Marge and also took her over heaps of vomit bags I had left over from Max. Hoping she wont need them after the chicken and corn soup I made but well there are no guarantees with these things. There were so many stages through Max's treatment where the vomit bags were his best friend, we even nicknamed the Vommy. We had them floating all over the house "just in case" I still have one in my car. They are both very grateful, and I am just happy to be able to help them because I have been there.

Then there is Eddie who is 87 and lives at the end of the street beside the park. He is a sweety, he often walks past with his Jack Russel and stops to have a chat. I hear him driving up the road every morning to buy the paper in his old rattling VW Beetle. Earlier in the week I realised I hadn't heard or seen him for a few weeks. Then on Friday not long after chatting to Don, Eddie walked up the road with a walking stick. He waved hello and I asked where he had been. He told me he had been hospital because he fell off a stool and hurt his back. He excused himself for not stopping to chat but he had a bus to catch and off he went. By then I had packed the car got Bubbaboo in and was driving up the road and I caught I up to Eddie, I pulled down my window and asked where he was going. He said he was going up to the local shops I told him to jump in and I would give him a lift. It was only two bus stops away and he looked like he was struggling walking with his stick. He told me he just had to go the newsagency and then go home so I told him I would wait and take him back home he was only going to be there for 5 mins. When I drove him back home he told me his car had been written off hence why he was catching a bus. I asked whether he went up to get his lottery tickets in. "Oh yes" he confessed "I get them every week" I chuckled to myself and thought what is it with old people who religiously buy their lottery tickets? And you know what? It's the oldies that always win. When he got out of the car, he said thanks so much and that he really appreciated it and that he owed me a favour. I told him he didn't owe me anything and any time he needed a ride he could just ask.

Then there is Grant and Melissa who have two young boys. They are lovely, I was joking with Grant one day I needed to change my light globes but 2 had gone out and I was waiting for the third to go out so I could change them all at once to save me pulling the ladder out again. He had his ladder out on the weekend so he sent his 12 year old son over to see if he could change my light globes. So sweet.

Next door to them is Hugh who I have never met before, but he came to my fundraiser with Grant and the kids. He came up to me during the day and pointed at the photo of Max I had up that day and asked did Max ever work for a particular company. Yes I answered, you wouldn't believe what a small world it is but back in the 90's Max was Hugh's boss. He lives right across the road. Max taught Hugh how to play computer games at work, what a great boos hey? Max would have loved to have known he was right there.

Then there are the neighbours who are two doors down, who helped Max after he had his fall that time and broke his humerous bone. They are always asking how I am and how Babbaboo is.

THEN there is the witch directly next door who has obsessive compulsory disorder. She is a real sticky beak and I am sure she is a compulsive liar because some of the stories she has told me in the past are just unbelievable and she has told other neighbours different things. She lives with her 30 something year old son who has mild autism. He is lovely. But she is always yelling at him and putting him down, it's horrible I feel like yelling at her! Last Christmas they saved a 6 year old Labrador from the dog pound. Three months later the dog was dead. We didn't know this until our landlord had been chatting to her and she told him that she thought that the dog had been poisoned by humans medication. My first thought when he told me was Oh gosh I hope she doesn't blame us.She is that sought of a person. Sure enough that week we had the RSPCA at our door asking questions. She knew what we were going through and that Max was really unwell. Max was really annoyed but I was really peeved. How could she blame us ? Us, animal lovers who would have a menagerie if we could. Well there was no proof. We used to be friendly with her say hi that sort of thing but always kept our distance, but not any more. She always tries to get my attention and I totally ignore her. It was the last thing we needed on our plates whilst Max was so unwell.

On the other side of us we have new neighbors who moved in on the weekend. I waved hi yesterday,  I hope they are friendly.

When I was working I never used to interact with my neighbours it was usually leave for work drive home close the door and it was just Max and I in our coccoon. But now that I am home and have Bubbaboo, we are always outdoors either going to the park or in the garden or off to somewhere. I get to see the neighbours more often

I don't really know how long I can afford to stay in this house, but it is one of those decisions I need to make soon. When Max and I moved here I didn't like it, I felt like I was so isolated. I am far from my parents and most of my friends live on the north side where I grew up. I am close enough to my siblings here, so that is a positive. The side of the suburb I am on is lovely and quiet and the huge park at the end of the street is great and I use it with Bubbaboo often. I am just worried that if I move due to affordability I may have to move further away. I need my family and friends. I feel like it's a big effort for them to come and visit as it is if I am further away I will surely be forgotten.
Well that was a long and rambling post that started in one place and ended up somewhere completely unexpected...blaaah well that is the way my head is at the moment....EVERY WHERE but the bottom line is......It's a decision I need to make, but don't have the energy to think about it right now.

Have you had to move away from family & friends when you really needed them, how did you cope?

I am going away for a few days this week with Bubbaboo, meeting up with some wonderful online friends who have bubs the same age as Bubbaboo. I am really looking forward to it. Bubbaboo and I really need a change of scenery and some interaction with Mums and Bubs will be perfect.