The Letter

 Ever since Max's year anniversary I have been thinking about his father a lot. I had been doing really well thinking of him as dead, but subconsciously it is still eating me up. I decided to write him a letter. I haven't sent it to him and not even sure I will, but I just needed to get a few things off my chest, tell it to him how it is.

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Dear D,

You are probably wondering why I am writing to you. Well, it is something I need to do to help with my grieving process.

Just to let you know, I did not advise you of Max's passing because that was his wish. I granted that. I know you know that.

I need to tell you how very disappointed I am at the way you treated Max, your dying son. You could have easily made his last days happier yet you made no effort to. Do you blame yourself for his death? Don't do that, don't play the sympathy card. However you can blame yourself for adding to your sons unhappiness. All he ever wanted from you was your love, as a Father. He reached out to you many times yet you kept pushing him away. Trying to help him when it was not necessary by finding some "miracle drug" which Max had researched many times and only to make yourself feel good,  not supporting him through the choices he made when he needed you most. You knew your son was dying and you walked away. Just like that. How easy it was for you, just to walk away. What Father does that, disown their dying son, for no reason that either Max or myself could ever comprehend, during a time of need?

You bought a knew Puppy because your other dog was dying and you didn't want your second dog to be lonely when he died. What did you do for your son when you knew he was dying? Nothing. You didn't even come to visit him. Sit by his side, hold his hand, kiss his forehead. The last couple of months for Max were very difficult. He was in a lot of pain, he was skin and bones, he had no strength he fell over many times and broke bones. I was his full time carer looking after my sick husband and a baby, it wasn't til the last few weeks of his life that I asked for help and there everyone was, my family and our friends all helping out looking after YOUR son. YOUR beautiful son. Everybody loved him and they showed it in anyway they could. You didn't even know him never mind loving him, you never asked what he was up to, you never asked about his interests, his hobbies, his work. He felt like he could never live up to your expectations, yet he was happy with what he had achieved in his life,  he was happy in our life together, he loved being a father to his beautiful son. He was a great father for the short time that he was one. He was so excited that he called you and told you that our son was born, you would have been more excited if he told you he had a bought a puppy dog, that was what he told me. He was so disappointed in you, something great had happened in his life that he wished to share with his own Father and you didn't even care enough to come and meet your grandson or even send a card. Instead you pushed Max further away and no more words were ever spoken.

Max appreciated that you bought him out to Australia, a country he loved and called his home, but he told me that you always made him feel like he owed you something for it. You can can never do something just for good, you always expect something in return, even if it is just to feed your huge ego. I was never bought up like that so I find it difficult to understand. If my parents gave Max an apple they gave him that apple with all their love and heart, they never expected anything in return, it's because they loved your son just like one of their own.

Your sons needed you and for one of them it's too late. When my son is old enough and asks about his Grandfather, I will be telling him the truth, as I know it. That he never cared about his Father, he didn't love him and he didn't want to meet his grandson. But that is ok, because our boy has all the love that he needs, he will grow up knowing that his Father would be proud of anything that he pursues as long as he is happy and healthy that is all that matters. He certainly wont be missing you in his life.

Goodbye D.

"Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle" Soren Kierkegaard

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What do you think? Should I send it to him? I know I feel better for writing it.

Precious Moments

Boo loves visiting my Mum & Dad, he is always so busy there. So much to do and see he is always on the go discovering new things. I love that he is getting to spend some time with his Grandparents, their time is so precious as they grow older and frailer. These are couple of special moments.
(Kristen suggested I add this to the weekly Perfect Moments Mondays, so this will be my first add. Thank you)

Helping with the vegie patch.

Bonding with his Nonno, helping him with some woodwork.

The Lavender

The day before Christmas Boo and I went to visit Max, I cut an Agapantha from the garden to take to him. When I got there, there was a bunch of plastic Holly and a bunch of  plastic Lavender flowers. My sister said she was going to visit so I figured it was from her. Boo and I gave him a kiss, sat and had a chat for a while and wished him a Merry Christmas.

When I saw my Sister on Christmas day I asked her if she had taken the flowers. She told me she had taken Max the Holly but not the Lavender. Hmm so who took him the Lavender ? Over the next few days I asked around the family to see if anyone had gone to visit and taken him the Lavender. No one said they had. I know no one apart from my family would have gone to visit. Max has no family in Australia apart from his Father. His Father who disowned him whilst he was dying, for no reason that we are aware of. His Father who hasn’t even met his Grandchild Boo. His Father who Max informed would not be welcome at his funeral.

We kept Max’s wish and never told him that the he had passed away, until a couple of weeks ago. Max’s brother who felt a need to deal with some issues he had with his Father emailed him with the news. He asked my permission first, I figured he would find out some day, surely. As long as he wasn’t at Max’s funeral then his wish was granted.

So the only person who would have taken the Lavender was his Father. This bugged me all week. What gave him the right to visit his son now, and not when he was alive. It kept eating me up inside. His plastic flowers were permanent not like my Agapanthas that would die and if I wish replaced. His plastic Lavender would be sitting there, forever. He was never there for Max when he was alive, why should his Lavender represent him forever. It bothered me. I decided that on NewYears Day I would visit Max and remove the Lavender.

When I got there my Agapantha was still there withering away in the vase, my sisters Holly was still there but there was no Lavender, it was gone. I looked around to see if the wind had blown it away. There was nothing in sight. That was really strange I thought, but it made me happy that it was no longer there and that I didn’t have to remove it.

As I drove away I thought to myself Max didn’t want the Lavender there either. He knew it was bugging me and it was bugging him too. It will always be a mystery as to what happened to the Lavender, I was just happy it was gone forever just like his Father will be forever out of our lives.