Where We Are At.

I realised why all my thoughts and words to express them have been so difficult to write or even talk about. It's my happy pills. I should have worked it our sooner, but I thought it was just me.  You now grieving, dealing with life. I am feeling so flat, lifeless and lazy. I am usually a doer I get things done, I am always out and about but lately I can't be stuffed doing anything. Although I am rarely home, I always have something to do, mainly consisting of visiting my Mum. Having said that, I think Winter has a lot to do with it too. I can't wait for the warmer weather to get out on our adventures again. I don't want to come off my happy pills, not yet anyway. Firstly I think there is still a lot I have to deal with to come, secondly I am scared of the reaction I will have coming off them. The few days I have forgotten to take them, I have felt horrible not only mentally but physically too. So it scares me and I am not ready to deal with that yet.

Visiting my Mum has become really difficult with Boo, twice now he has thrown the biggest tantrums of his short life whilst trying to leave. OMG! The whole throwing himself on the floor thing, You know the kind, the ones that you see other peoples kids chucking in the shopping centres. Not MY kid!
So I will need to work something out and take him less regularly, yesterday was the first day I didn't go and see her because I just couldn't deal with it. It was actually nice to have a full day at home without having to go anywhere. We really haven't had much time to enjoy our new home yet. We had friends come in the afternoon for a play, they enjoyed the backyard and Boos new playroom. And I loved spending some quality time with him. Although he is cheeky and throws tantrums he still makes me smile and laugh every day.

My Mum has another lung infection, so is on more antibiotics. They have now connected her to a Pump, just like the one Max had so they can administer her morphine through it. She is still struggling to get a lot of her meds down. She is pretty zonked out on morphine, but she is comfortable and for the moment ok.

Sunday is the day Boo and I are doing the City2Surf gulp! I had so many good intentions I was going to train and get fit and well lets just say it all fell through the window. I am excited but nervous, scared I am going to pass out or have a heartache on Heartbreak Hill. You think I am joking don't you? All I can do is try my best now.
My fundraising has been going well and that is what has been important to me. Almost reaching our goal of $1500 between Boo and I for the Rainbows For Kate foundation.

So if you are watching the race or doing the race and you see a team wearing these T- Shirts then say Hi!

Just Like That.

My Mum is getting much needed rest and seems comfortable in the palliative care hospital. They are looking after her well. She did have a scare the other night when she was taking her antibiotics through the nebuliser, the same antibiotic she has taken for almost six years. My nephew was there visiting and all of a sudden she threw off her mask and tried to yell that she couldn't breath. Her throat was starting to swell up and close. My nephew called the nurses and they managed to settle her, but they had no answers as to why all of a sudden she had this reaction. My nephew knows how horrible it feels because he has the same reaction to strawberries. Scary. It hasn't happened again thankfully.

I have gone to visit her every day. On Friday I picked my sister in law up on the way to see her. We had only been there a few minutes when my sister in laws mobile rang. She was sobbing. Her mother had just told her they have found a cancer on her fathers lung. Fuck. Nobody goes untouched. Cancer is bloody everywhere these days.

Today I watched my Mum follow the nurse into the bathroom for a shower, shuffling and bent over with her walking frame. Having conversations with her has changed, she has become forgetful and confused, I am sure that is the medication. Where did my Supermum go? Just like that. Cancer takes over. Even after watching Max go through it it still surprises me as to how things can change so quickly.

I have been trying to give her some things to look forward to. Like Boos 2nd birthday in a couple of weeks. Can you believe that? I told her if she felt like getting out for a day, then she should come over and see our new home. She is looking forward to that. She had only seen it when it was empty. I so hope she makes it.

Boo trying out anything that has wheels. He always makes my Mum smile.

This Is What happened Acrossed the Sea.

Wow! Just Wow! Does this girl rock!!??

Just like I wrote in your comment Eden
"Thank you for never allowing Alex to be forgotten, to share your story and his artwork across the world. He would be just blown away. You keep rock'n girl.

Thank you to all your readers and bloggers for your support. Much love to you all x

Alex was here."

And always will be.

I had gone to bed and thought I would check out twitter on my phone before I shut my eyes and there was Edens post. So I got up and checked it out properly on my computer. I had to, she stayed up till 5.30am to get it written for me. For me! And I cried. It was just wonderful to see her up on that podium and being so beautiful and funny as she is and watching all those images behind her and listening to her speak in front of ALL those people. I did wonder if the Americans understood what she was saying with her thick Aussie accent. But there were also tears in the house, so I imagine they did.

My heart is all big and puffy.
I love you Sisterman!
xx

The Drug Of Champions

I am currently sitting in my parents back yard writing this, the warm winter sun on my back and my fathers budgies chirping very loudly, so loud I can't concentrate.

I spent the night here last night to look after my Mum, she is a little better. Monday night we were all sure it was her last. But if you know my Mum is a fighter, she isn't ready to let go yet. She is a real champion. Thankfully.
She had been weened off her Dexamethasone last week and it was catching up with her. It's such an amazing drug for cancer patients, but the side affects are just so horrible so they can't stay on it for long and have to weened on and off it. It's basically a steroid. Max was amazing on it, he would have a huge appetite which was just so nice to see when he was turning to skin and bones. Wiki tells me "it's use is widespread among prostitutes in Bangladesh in spite of the dangers, because it helps them develop fat easily, an attractive feature in this poor country." So you learn something new everyday. My Mum is weening back onto it again and that is what has given her a bit of life back.

**********************

I am back home now, my sister looked after Boo and took him to daycare for me yesterday, then in the afternoon we switched and she stayed with my Mum last night. Apparently she had a terrible anxiety attack, the worst she has ever had.  Her breathing is atrocious, I have never heard anything like it, she is struggling for breath with makes her anxious. We had been waiting for a bed at the palliative care hospice so she and we can get some respite. We finally got the call this morning. My sister is taking her as I type.

I think it's the best place for her at the moment. She has become very forgetful, so taking her meds on time has been a real task. She gets very breathless just getting up to go to the toilet, everything is a challenge for her. She can't be left alone. My Dad is an emotional wreck he just cries and weeps. Understandably. But it's not doing my mother any good seeing him like this.

It was nice to spend some quality time with my Mum, without Boo. Whilst he was there the other day he pushed her medi alert necklace button. The alarm went off so when they called to check on my Mum, my sister had to tell them that we were just testing the service. Ooops! She loves having him around but I couldn't look after her and Boo at the same time. Her medication makes her doze in and out, but she still manages to knit. My Mum she is a Champion.

All the Signs and What's to Come.

Please keep my Mum in your thoughts and prayers.
She has deteriorated significantly this afternoon.
She has put up an amazing fight but I hate to see her suffer now.

I am finding it difficult to watch I know the signs and what's to come.
My emotions are all over the place, yet not until writing this have I shed a tear.

We Made It To The Otherside.

I finally got my internet and phone hooked up so I should be writing a huge post because it has been a HUGE couple of weeks, but I am too tired and don't have the enegry to gather my thoughts. So here is a brief post.

We are in our new home, which we love. I wish Max was here to enjoy it with us, he too would love it. I miss him terribly.

Two things that I didn't realise about this house one is how damp it is, I am hoping it will improve as the weather warms up. I don't like that musty smell. And two we have a Jacaranda tree in our backyard. Every time I see it and especially when it flowers I will think of Max.

Unpacking has been a nightmare, such a slow process with a toddler and mostly on my own. It got me really down because unrealistically I wanted to be in our new home and settled immediately but it hasn't happened and it wont for some time. And now I am ok with that, but not before lots of tears. One day at a time and slowly but surely.

My Mum is really not well, she is losing her battle. She is extremely breathless and has lost a lot of her mobility in the last couple of days, her legs are swelling up and is finding it difficult even to get up out a chair. It's all deja vous to me and really is breaking my heart.

I will leave you with snippets of our new home.

Boo and the Jacaranda tree.

Boo enjoying his new play area.

I have always wanted a big photo wall, now I have one. This is a work in progress.

The dining room, the only fully unpacked functioning room so far.

The dining room.

I will be back soon.

Don't know When I'll be Back Again

As of tomorrow I will minus my internet connection until I get hooked again at my new home, I don't know how long it's going to take.
So I will leave you with some pics of our new home.

View from my back deck. Yes that is the tip of the Sydney Harbour Bridge on the left and the City on right.

Cute hey?

Packing Shmacking

I am SO over packing my goodness, it has taken a lot longer than I expected. It doesn't help when you have a very curious toddler who has to pull things out of boxes as you put them in!

It took 3 days to pack the office, there was so much paperwork to sift through everything had to be read before being ripped up and trashed or kept. Max held onto paper work, he was a paperwork hoarder!
It was emotional finding old photos, cards and notes going through his wallet that was still left untouched on his on his desk, there were lots of tears but I did it, I got through what I thought would be the toughest part of packing. And tough it was, but I no longer have to stress about doing it, it is now behind me. I have put all of his special things including his clothes in a big storage box. I look at the box and think that is all the tangible stuff I have of him , Max in a box. I wonder what would be in my box?

The big plastic bag is still in the wardrobe, everything around it packed, the bag left alone. I will get to it, perhaps open it, perhaps not.

I get the key tomorrow, I still have so much to do, but at the moment I just feel like sleeping I am so tired.

Bea and her family came over, she has an absolutely gorgeous family. Boo had a great time playing with P and Bea says P told her he did too. I took some photos but I am not very happy with them, which I am a bummed about. We had a lovely afternoon anyway and it was so great to see them.

I better get packing whilst Boo has a nap, no little fingers pulling things our of boxes.

One of the cards I found. It had a photo of a frog on the outside and inside Max wrote this.
I posted it on FB yesterday when I found it and a friend suggested I get another tattoo with the heart and crown. I kind of like the idea.

What would be in your box? What tangible things would you want family/friends to keep of yours after you passed?

I would want them to keep my jewelery, I don't have much but the pieces I have are pretty special. Also my artworks and some items I have collected and bought on my travels. That's about it.

A Post in Points

- Packing! Oh how I hate you, just as well there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just can't see it yet.

- I am starting to bury myself in boxes, yet if feels like I haven't done anything. SO much to do.

- I keep putting off packing the hard stuff, the emotional stuff , I know I need to get to it eventually but I don't really want to deal with it.

- I am having a Garage sale on Saturday, which is probably crazy but something I need to do. Hoping to make enough money to buy a lawn mower for the new place.

- I get the keys to the house next Friday, Yay! I used the excuse of having to take some measurements at the house so I could check it out again and I LOVE  it even more now I can't wait to get in there.

- I have been fortunate there have been some openings at Boo's daycare because of the school holidays so I have managed to get him in an extra day a week. I did SO much in those two days without him.

- Bea is going to be in Sydney this weekend she and her family are coming over (they may need to sit on the floor or boxes) but I get to meet Surprise Baby! I am looking forward to seeing them again. I am going to take some family photos for her hopefully I get some decent ones, still lots to learn on my new camera.

- Haven't been able to catch up on blogs, so what's been happening in your life?

It's All Good.

On Tuesday I called the real estate agent to ask when I would find out if I was successful in my application for the house. I was told I would find out on Wednesday, so I went on with my day. It wasn't till late that night when I put my mobile on the charger that I saw I had a missed call. It was the agent telling me apologetically that I had missed out on the house. I was devastated. So tired of trawling through online rental sites to find something that was decent enough to inspect, juggling my Saturdays and choosing houses that were open when Boo wasn't napping. I was tired. The real estate agent had told they didn't discriminate against single parents, but I was so sure they did!

On Wednesday I dropped Boo off a daycare and started on the million and one errands I had to do. When I got a phone call from the real estate agent to tell me that the first tenants application had fallen through and the landlord was happy to take us on. Ok I ate me words maybe they don't discriminate. Whoohooo, I was so excited. I couldn't believe we got the house. I went and paid the deposit that afternoon. I get the keys on the 15th and have the weekend to clean it up before getting the removalists on the 17th. I can't believe we are finally going to have a new home! I was running on adrenalin that afternoon, not knowing what to do first. OMG I need to pack, I need a removalist, I need carpet cleaners I need, I need, I need.....my head spinning. I do have lots to do and I will get it done. There was an opening for an extra day at day care nest week so I will be sans Boo for two days, they are the days I intend to get the bulk of the packing done. I intend to hold a garage sale on next Saturday to get rid of a whole heap of stuff too, so lots to organise.

Yesterday whilst driving to my Mum and Dads, it kind all sunk in. That I was leaving the house, the many memories of Max behind. There will be no new memories of Max in the new house and well that makes me really sad. It's one of those situations where, I want to keep the good memories and throw away the bad. The fun times we had in the house, the laughter the love we had. I remember Max calling me into Boo's room before he was born standing over his cot. He put his arms around me and said we are going to have a baby sleeping in there soon. Our baby. He was so excited. He held me and told me he loved me. I want to stand over Boo's cot in THAT room and remember that moment forever, I want to take it with me. Then there are the bad moments of Max collapsing after throwing up from chemo, I had a screaming Boo in my arms and a passed out husband on the laundry floor. That memory can stay. I can't stay here forever and overall, I really think it's a good thing. I know this house is ridiculously expensive and I am going to have to really tighten my belt but apart from that, it's all good. Isn't it?