Running.

When we got back from Thailand I had the travel bug. Real bad. My feet where itching so badly. I was scratching so hard they were going to bleed. I wished I had stayed in Phuket longer, 10 days just wasn't long enough. So I researched and researched our next holiday destination. Thinking perhaps I could go to Italy for my cousins wedding in July and visit Max's Mum and brother in France, then I thought I would travel around Australia in a campervan all these ideas where exciting. But stupid, really. Phuket was a good test run for traveling alone with Boo, but Phuket was one destination, one direct flight, it was do-able. To travel to many destinations with many stops with Boo would be really challenging. But I wanted to go. I needed go, I wanted to run, run, run away. I soon realised what I really wanted was to run away from here, this house. I need to get out of this house. I wont call it my home, because a home is where you feel comfortable, somewhere you don't mind hanging out for long periods of time. I don't. Not any more. I wake every morning planning an outing with Boo. Although I love going on our adventures, I would also like to be able to stay in on an occasion and feel comfortable. The days we do stay at home, are horrible for both us. And I have done that pretty much every day since Max died, running, and I never realised I was doing it. Running away with out really going anywhere. This house is small and cluttered, it never really recovered after moving stuff around to cater for Max's needs, it never really recovered from the fundraiser that took over my house. I try and and organise things but all I am doing is shuffling. I keep shoving things into the office. The office is wall to wall full of stuff I don't have any where to put. It is also still untouched with Max's things. Things I haven't been able to bring myself to go through yet. Another reason to leave is that my sticky beak of a neighbor is making paranoid. Her compulsive lies have gotten out of hand, they now include me. She has been telling other neigbours that the neighborhood has gone down hill since we moved here, they used to have neighbourly BBQ's every Sunday now they don't. Seriously, that never happened no one goes near her house, never mind socialise with her. I am apparently telling people that she divorced her husband not that he died. Me? I rarely talk to my neighbours never mind talk to them about her! The landlord helped me put a privacy screen up so she could no longer snoop in my backyard,. He knows what she is like he used to live here before us.  She complained to Council and made us take it down. There are more episodes but I wont waste my time on her.  I don't need to be around her, I need to feel comfortable at home and not feel stressed. So it's time we move.

 I was looking into buying something, having a sea change. Live by the beach, it's my dream to live by the beach. The only place that is affordable is about one and half hours away.  Sydney beaches are ridiculously expensive and a no go zone unfortunately. I was quite excited by the idea, but when I looked into it it meant I would have to put all my savings into it as well as a loan. I would be paying the loan off and would have nothing to spare if there was any emergencies or any problems to fix with the house. Also the distance could be a factor, I would be too far from my parents, I would still make the trip down once a week to see them but I couldn't just pop over if they needed me for something. Also at the moment I do rely on my network of friends and family, even though I do have few internet friends by the beach who I would love to live close to it wouldn't be the same. My sister most of all I rely on, even if I just pop over for an afternoon it's still feels like I am getting a break with Boo as her and her family spend time with him. So I ditched the idea but only for now. I am considering reassessing in a couple of years and hopefully doing it then.

So for now I am going to have to pay more rent and move, I can't find anything for the price I am paying now for a 3 bedroom house unless I move further out west or up in the mountains ( Hi Eden!)  if I do that then I may as well move to the beach.  The paying of more rent sucks because it means I have to dip into my savings to pay the rent, but if it means my sanity then it will be worth every cent.

So for now I search and hope. I need this, I need a new beginning. I will never forget Max and all the time we spent in this house. The good, the bad and the very ugly. But it's time for a fresh start.