The Hardest Part

* Warning- Vomit mentioned.

On Thursday I got some horrible stomach bug, with cramping and nausea, and just feeling really tired. It wasn't nice. On Saturday morning, Boo was sick and vomited all over the rug, I picked him up and as I trekked him into the bathroom he exploded again on the way, all over more of the carpet, a clean basket of clothes,  a couple of sheep skins, and it just trailed all over the house and all over himself. My poor boy, he wanted cuddles, so I cuddled his vomit covered little body. Took him in his room cleaned him up and put him in his cot whilst I tackled cleaning everything. I just looked around and I started gagging, I was sick I was feeling nauseous the last thing I needed to be doing was cleaning up someone elses vomit all over the house. I called my sister, didn't even look at the time it was early and I woke her sorry, but I was a mess. "how the fuck do I clean vomit from the carpet? " I asked whilst I continued to gag and cry. She gave me pointers, I hung up and cleaned it up the whole time gagging and dry reaching. Took the rug outside and hosed it down. Boo kept playing in his cot happy like nothing had happened. I managed to clean up the mess. Boo threw up 3 times and it wasn't until the third time I managed to get him to the bathroom in time, so there was more mess to clean up. By then I had had enough I put him down for a nap.

I think this so far this has been the hardest part of being a parent, having to look after a little one when you are feeling sick yourself. I am usually ok with vomit, gosh I couldn't have looked after Max if I wasn't, but when your tummy is feeling very delicate, oh boy, it's hard. All I wanted to do was sleep with a hot pack on my stomach, but I still had a very active toddler in the house, you would never had thought he had been sick at all.

After I put Boo down for a nap I sat on the couch and just sobbed. At this moment I thought I was going to have a break down. Everything had caught up with me, missing Max, my sick mum, my sick boy, my house in a shambles, half packed boxes, baskets of clothes to be folded, toys everywhere, I had two house inspections that day and most likely couldn't go and see them now. It was all too much. I cried and cried. I manged to pull myself together and called my sister in law and asked her if she could come over and look after Boo in the afternoon whilst I looked at the houses. I am so thankful she did and with much pleasure of course. Because I was really happy with one of the houses and put an application in for it. So fingers crossed it will be ours. Our new home, you have no idea how much I need this, this new home, this fresh start.

My Mum is doing ok, she seems to be getting a little stronger every day. Keeping some food down too which is great. She will be seeing her specialists this week, but I think she has decided to have no more intervention. My niece is leaving for a trip to Italy today for a month, so I know Mum will be staying extra strong to make sure she has a great trip and doesn't have to return in a hurry. Boo is also ok after his little episode it was just a 24hour thing and I am feeling fine too.

Now universe, listen here.....Please, please give us this house and continue to give my mother strength. Thanks.

Up & Down

My Mum came out of hospital today, only because she asked to leave otherwise they would have kept her in there. She hates that hospital it's not where her specialist works out of so she sees lots of other Dr's and she doesn't feel like they look after her as well. She always ends up in a room full of strange people or people that are not mentally stable therefore she does not feel comfortable and rarely gets any rest there. I know they need to be looked after also, but it's just she never has any luck with it. When an ambulance is called this is the hospital they always take her too because it's the closest and the biggest to her home. Anyway whilst she was there she had some tests done and they have found that there is something pushing on her esophagus and that is why she is struggling getting food down and keeping it down. They think it maybe her collapsed lung doing this, so the options they have given her are to have two stents put in one for her good lung and one for esophagus or have some radiotherapy but it's all a guessing game really. There is no guarantee that the radio is going to do anything and if it does it make take up to 3 weeks by then  it could be too late and her esophagus could close up which could mean a horrible feeding tube. Inserting the stents are a high risk procedure for her now, she may not even make it through it. Sigh. She has been terribly emotional, she has been sobbing over the phone which is so unlike her. It has been so upsetting for me to hear her like that. My Dad, he just turned a whopping 88 and he is getting very forgetful. He is no help whatsoever, my Mum is continually worrying about him which she really doesn't need. So tonight she will sleep in her own bed in peace and quiet and hopefully get some real rest. She is going to see her specialist for another opinion and take it from there. Cancer you shit me!

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I received my new camera today, I pulled it out of the box and charged the battery. That is as far as I have got. I know it's stupid, but I kind of don't want to let go of Max's camera, I don't want to abandon it because it was his and so very special to him. He loved it, it was his best friend. I hope that one day, if Boo shows signs of enjoying photography I will give it to him as his first slr although I am sure they would have come a long way since this old model, it would still be a good start up camera for him.
I have been playing around doing some photos here and there of friends kids and of Boo so I can build up my portfolio, you can see them on my FB page. I am picking up a few pieces of equipment, trying to do it all on the cheap for now so I can built up my kit. I am really excited about it all and have many ideas up my sleeve. I often wish Max was here to help me brainstorm, he was a great brainstorming partner, he would tell me how it is. I would have loved for him to have been a part of this, I think he would have been quite excited too.

I go from being excited about my venture to going down in the dumps worrying about my Mum, I am all over the place at the moment. It's quite exhausting.

Boo with Balloons.

Insert Fancy Blog Title Here.

 My Mum is in hospital again, she is not doing very well with her breathing and anxiety attacks. I haven't been able to see her because Boo has been sick, first with a cold and today he has been vomiting and has diarrhea. He seems to be ok in spirits so that is a plus, it's easier to keep him busy if he is feeling ok. When I was speaking with my Mum this morning she was saying how tired she felt and how all she wanted to do was sleep and how she never feels tired and it's frustrating. In my mind I was saying Mum it's because it's getting close. That is one of the first signs. I know. But I told her she should just rest when she needs to because her body needs it to fight her lung infection. I feel so helpless and so sad.

It's been pretty wet around here, oh the Winter blues have well and truly set in but I have been keeping myself occupied by getting my new venture up and running. My photography that is. I can't wait for dry weather so I can go out and play with the camera. I have just ordered a new one, gulp. Max's camera which is what I have been using is a bottom of the range DSLR, so I have decided to upgrade it. If I am going to take this seriously I need to make sure I get some better quality photos. I know it's the price of a small holiday but we aren't going anywhere at the moment, not with my Mum being so unwell. Hopefully it will start to pay for itself soon. I have to start somewhere.
I have started a FB page so if you are on, please go over and like it and drop me a line to say hi.

Sorry for the lack of blog reading and comments. I hope to catch up over the weekend.
Oh and still no luck with the house hunting yet.

Winter Sun

Oh how beautiful you are breaking through the icy cold winter breeze and warming us. Sun you really are the best thing about Winter. I just wish you would come out to play more often.

I just have to say how proud I am of Boo. We went to the park to feed the ducks, but the pigeons decided to take over. Boo is usually very cautious around animals, he loves them but he likes to keep his distance, which I think is probably a good thing. So I was really surprised that he sat there and kept feeding the birds with a big smile whilst they almost sat on his lap. I love my boy.

I am playing along with Calliopes PhotoFriday, go and have a look.

Dear Blog.

Dear Blog,

I am sorry I have neglected you, I have so much to say but don't know where to start, so I don't say anything.

Do I tell you how I have started my City2Surf training?

Do I tell you about how today I opened Max's music CD cabinet to look for some music to blast through the house whilst I packed some of Boos toys away and as soon as I saw the CD titles I burst into tears? I just saw Max all over, I felt his presence, there are so many memories in that cabinet. Max and I connected over music, something we loved and shared.

Do I tell you about how Boo is fighting a throat infection and a nasty cough? He is on his first ever course of antibiotics. He isn't sleeping well, so neither am I. I am tired.

Do I tell you how I am really hating Winter and it's only just started?

Do I tell you about how terribly lonely I am feeling?

Do I tell you how over I am looking for a new home?

Do I tell you how we have a mouse in the house!?

Do I tell you about how I am thinking of taking my photography a bit more seriously and perhaps trying to make some dollars out of it?

Do I tell you how I have been neglecting my fellow bloggers by not reading and/or commenting?

Do I, do I?

Perhaps when I feel a little less screwed in the head I may.

It's a long way.

I put a house application in. I really, really want this house. It has everything we need and lots and lots of space. Hopefully find out tomorrow afternoon if I was successful or not. Fingers crossed.

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See that paragraph you just read, I wrote it whilst Boo was having his nap, that is far as I got because he woke up. I decided to take him to the park since the clouds were clearing after sporadic rain. Driving to the park, I received a call from the real estate agent to tell me I missed out on the house. Maaaaan I was bummed, I was so counting on that house. I shouldn't have got my hopes up but it was the first decent house I had seen that had everything! I was imagining where I was going to put the furniture, how I was going to decorate blah blah. It wasn't to be, hopefully something better comes up soon.

We did have some fun at the park though.

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I am finally getting organised to do start some training for the City2Surf. I bought a new pair of runners yesterday, I had my old ones for years and they where no longer comfortable. I was hoping to buy some funky ones, so I could maybe where them causally as well as for training. I am sure I have seen funky looking runners on people before but all I saw at the sportstore where these ugly things. Why are they so ugly? 

I ended up buying some boring white ones with a purple tick on them, but they are really comfortable. So I am going to start doing heaps of walking with Boo, and possibly look into a gym with a creche if I can find a good deal. It kind of dawned on me the other day that the run in 14kms, 14kms!!! That is a long, long walk. I can do it!

Boo in the Poo!

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments on The Letter you have all made very valid points. I have decided to sit on it for a little while and see how I feel once some time has passed. I think that is the best thing to do at this stage.

When I said Boo was into everything. Here is an example.
After having lunch at my parents house, my mother and I were in the kitchen doing the dishes. When my mother noticed that Boo was very quiet. So I went and checked on him and found this!
He had taken a packet of gravy flour from her pantry, he is so quick we didn't even see him walk into the kitchen.

He had thrown it all around the lounge room and on the couch.

He wanted to clean it up.

Then decided that the best way to do that was to become a human mop and flapped his arms and legs in it.

Arrrgh what do you do? I was pretty cross with him, but we still had a laugh. Cheeky monkey!

The Letter

 Ever since Max's year anniversary I have been thinking about his father a lot. I had been doing really well thinking of him as dead, but subconsciously it is still eating me up. I decided to write him a letter. I haven't sent it to him and not even sure I will, but I just needed to get a few things off my chest, tell it to him how it is.

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Dear D,

You are probably wondering why I am writing to you. Well, it is something I need to do to help with my grieving process.

Just to let you know, I did not advise you of Max's passing because that was his wish. I granted that. I know you know that.

I need to tell you how very disappointed I am at the way you treated Max, your dying son. You could have easily made his last days happier yet you made no effort to. Do you blame yourself for his death? Don't do that, don't play the sympathy card. However you can blame yourself for adding to your sons unhappiness. All he ever wanted from you was your love, as a Father. He reached out to you many times yet you kept pushing him away. Trying to help him when it was not necessary by finding some "miracle drug" which Max had researched many times and only to make yourself feel good,  not supporting him through the choices he made when he needed you most. You knew your son was dying and you walked away. Just like that. How easy it was for you, just to walk away. What Father does that, disown their dying son, for no reason that either Max or myself could ever comprehend, during a time of need?

You bought a knew Puppy because your other dog was dying and you didn't want your second dog to be lonely when he died. What did you do for your son when you knew he was dying? Nothing. You didn't even come to visit him. Sit by his side, hold his hand, kiss his forehead. The last couple of months for Max were very difficult. He was in a lot of pain, he was skin and bones, he had no strength he fell over many times and broke bones. I was his full time carer looking after my sick husband and a baby, it wasn't til the last few weeks of his life that I asked for help and there everyone was, my family and our friends all helping out looking after YOUR son. YOUR beautiful son. Everybody loved him and they showed it in anyway they could. You didn't even know him never mind loving him, you never asked what he was up to, you never asked about his interests, his hobbies, his work. He felt like he could never live up to your expectations, yet he was happy with what he had achieved in his life,  he was happy in our life together, he loved being a father to his beautiful son. He was a great father for the short time that he was one. He was so excited that he called you and told you that our son was born, you would have been more excited if he told you he had a bought a puppy dog, that was what he told me. He was so disappointed in you, something great had happened in his life that he wished to share with his own Father and you didn't even care enough to come and meet your grandson or even send a card. Instead you pushed Max further away and no more words were ever spoken.

Max appreciated that you bought him out to Australia, a country he loved and called his home, but he told me that you always made him feel like he owed you something for it. You can can never do something just for good, you always expect something in return, even if it is just to feed your huge ego. I was never bought up like that so I find it difficult to understand. If my parents gave Max an apple they gave him that apple with all their love and heart, they never expected anything in return, it's because they loved your son just like one of their own.

Your sons needed you and for one of them it's too late. When my son is old enough and asks about his Grandfather, I will be telling him the truth, as I know it. That he never cared about his Father, he didn't love him and he didn't want to meet his grandson. But that is ok, because our boy has all the love that he needs, he will grow up knowing that his Father would be proud of anything that he pursues as long as he is happy and healthy that is all that matters. He certainly wont be missing you in his life.

Goodbye D.

"Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle" Soren Kierkegaard

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What do you think? Should I send it to him? I know I feel better for writing it.

He Who Must Not Be Named

I have been in a real slump the last few weeks. I am struggling, today I really came crashing down. Nothing seems to be going my way. Lot's of things are going through my head, ideas, thoughts, to do lists, Max, grieving, etc etc. I so want a new home, but I just can't find anything suitable, if I move and have to pay more money I really want to be able to tick all the right boxes. I keep imagining us in our knew home and all the things I want to do, but I can't. So I wait.

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Boo has become challenging, he is adorable and amazing and a wonderful little character and I love him to bits but he is into EVERYTHING! He has also had a bad cold so is really snotty and keeps him awake of a night which means I am up all night too. I am tired. Trying to get the usual things done around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing and looking after and entertaining him on my own all the time bar one day when he is at daycare is exhausting. I take my hat off to all the single parents out there that have more than one. I have also caught his cold, which is making feel pretty miserable.

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Then this morning, actually yesterday morning, something happened. I pooed lots of blood, it scared the crap out of me (excuse the pun). Sorry if it's too much information but yeah, I went to the loo yesterday and the bowl was full of blood and this morning was the same. Then I went to Dr Google and I didn't like what I read, so I took myself to my GP tonight. She stuck a thing up my bum, think pap smear, and it bled and bled it took her by surprise. She seems to think it's an internal haemorrhoid and I am so pleased if it is what it is. Because my mind was racing and thinking of the C word. So hopefully some suppositories will do the job. Phew!

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I hadn't seen my GP in a while, considering we used to see her a couple of times a week when Max was alive, but it's a good thing I suppose. She even said she thought we had disowned her when I walked in to see her. We have a pretty good relationship, she tells me how it is even if it's not what I want hear. I always walk out of her surgery in tears, I walk out of there and tell the receptionists that she has done it again and blow my nose, and we have a laugh. I usually cry because she talks about Max with me, she knew him. She has know him for about 9 years. I love that she can speak his name so freely. Not many people do that, actually only my Mother does that. I wish more people would speak about him, remember that he was here. He was real. He is no Lord Voldemort. After Max passed away I actually gave her one of Max's artworks printed and framed. It hangs in her surgery. Coincidentally it is "Think Big" His pink elephant artwork that is on the postcards that Alexandra printed and also one of the artworks now hanging at the Cancer ward. That is why what Eden and Alexandra did is so very special to me, it made others speak his name, remember him, remember Max. I tell people about what they did, so I can speak Max's name and they can speak of him too. He deserved that so much. I still tear up just thinking how bloody amazing the whole art caper thing is.

Precious Moments

Boo loves visiting my Mum & Dad, he is always so busy there. So much to do and see he is always on the go discovering new things. I love that he is getting to spend some time with his Grandparents, their time is so precious as they grow older and frailer. These are couple of special moments.
(Kristen suggested I add this to the weekly Perfect Moments Mondays, so this will be my first add. Thank you)

Helping with the vegie patch.

Bonding with his Nonno, helping him with some woodwork.