ABC meme

I pinched this MEME from someone some time ago, sorry I don't recall who it was, so thought I would give it a go.

A. Age. 42 Eeek!
B. Bed size: Queen. It's lonely these days.
C. Chore you dislike: Ironing- With a passion!
D. Dogs: No dogs but would love to get one some day.
E. Essential start to your day: Coffee!!
F. Favorite color: Purple
G. Gold or silver: Silver, but mainly white gold.
H. Height:  5'2", yeah I am shortie :)
I. Instruments you play(ed): None, but I had guitar lessons once after Max bought be a guitar. To learn to play well is on my to do list.
J. Job title: Fulltime Mum
K. Kids: One amazing boy.
L. Live: Sydney, Australia
M. Mom’s name: It's the Italian version of Dorothy.
N. Nicknames: Vee, Veet, Vitz
O. Overnight hospital stays: Hmm yes many, wont go into all of them.
P. Pet peeves: When a vehicle veers left to turn right.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Hey, fuggeddabout it!"
R. Righty or lefty: Righty.
S. Siblings: 4, 3 brothers and a sister. I am the baby.
T. Time you wake up: When ever my son tells me to wake up, anywhere between 5am and 6.30am.
U. Underwear: Yes I wear them.
V. Vegetables you don’t like: Brussel Sprouts yuk..
W.What makes you run late: My son who does an obligatory poo in his nappy just as we are about to leave the house.
X. X-rays you’ve had: Foot, lungs, abdomen, toes
Y. Yummy food you make: I can't even think of anything. I have lost my knack and drive for cooking since Max passed away.
Z. Zoo animal favorites: Meerkats, Tigers and Monkeys, I can watch them for ages.

On the Third Day

I have just had three intensive days doing the course. I walked in there with an open mind,  I really didn't know what to expect as I had never done anything like it before. They were really long days- 9am till 10pm everyday for 3 days.

The first day I walked out of there totally exhausted and angry, quite pissed off actually. Why? Firstly I didn't get it, I was really confused and thought it was going to be a waste of time. And also the coach gave us homework, homework!! That had to be done by 9am in the morning. When was I going to that? I was exhausted, didn't get home until 11pm and had to get up 6am to get through the city traffic. My brain was totally fried from trying to take in everything from the day. All the way home I was making up excuses in my head as to why I didn't do my homework! I woke up in the morning still making up excuses. Then I got to the course early there was no traffic, and they had set up a room so people could do their homework. Obviously they knew no one would do it. So I did my homework, there was no excuse. I wasn't alone, pretty much everyone else I spoke too where feeling the same way after the first day. I am so glad because I was starting to think I was just bloody stupid.

The second day was better. I was starting to get it. It was all starting to make some sense, although it was all very abstract I understood bits here and there and could start to relate it to myself. I met some really amazing people with equally amazing stories. Actually I was blown away. Some people were starting to make breakthroughs, it was exciting to see them do it. We were sent home again with homework, this time I read my home work and made use of the drive time home to think about the questions instead of using that time being angry. I got home and did my home work with ease. I even got up extra early to have breakfast with my Boo at my sisters house, I needed a Boo cuddle badly. And Oh they were the most beautiful cuddles and kisses ever.

The third day I was really hoping that I could make more sense of everything and relate it to myself otherwise it was really going to be a waste and I would really be disappointed. That morning whilst the coach was coaching another woman and I was listening to her story, something clicked. The penny dropped. I started to cry uncontrollably. I was enlightened, it was so amazing, now I understood it all and I could relate it to myself and it really did blow me away. My story was playing over and over in my head. Breakthrough.

So I really enjoyed it in the end even if I started out skeptical I came out feeling quite empowered. This morning after a little sleep in I got up thinking about everything I had learned, not consciously it was just all there. I was thinking differently and I was "doing" instead of just "thinking about doing". It felt great. Did I mention I met some really amazing people?

The other wonderful thing was that Boo was really great therapy for my Mum over the weekend. They had a great time. They got to spend 3 full precious days together at my sisters house.
Win, win.

Life - In Points 3.

There is just so much happening at the moment, so I apologise for another life in points post.

My Mum ended up having some Radiotherapy during the week to stop her bleeding tumour. She finally went home from hospital yesterday. But she really is still unwell. You know my Mum has amazed us so many times, the amount of times she has been in and out of hospitals over the years and she keeps bouncing back. This time I don't see the bounce. I have a strong feeling she it getting closer to the end. I watch her beautiful smile the other day and I just saw Max. She has become so thin, her teeth protruding when she smiles her eyes all googly just like he was towards the end. It really breaks my heart to watch. The Dr's asked my sister whether we had had the discussion, the discussion that we never want to have but need to have. About where she wants to die and whether she wants to be resuscitated. It hadn't been discussed but now it needs to be. A sign that it's getting closer. Fucking cancer.She is going to stay at my sisters home for the weekend. She didn't cope well on her first night, she had a bad anxiety attack. My Dad, he becomes so emotional and can't cope with seeing her like that, therefore useless in helping her at home.

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I have been busy looking for a new home, but there is a lot of crap out there.  I am kind of glad I am not being pressured to find something within a certain time frame, It's a bit of a luxury really. I would hate to move into something I wasn't completely happy with. The right one will come along, eventually. I told my landlord I would be leaving they were upset but happy that I am going to have a new start and we will definitely be keeping in touch. They even offered to help me move.

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This weekend Boo is going to stay at my sisters for the weekend, my poor sis is going to be busy looking after the old folks as well as Boo but my niece is at home so she will be helping out too. I going to an intense self help course. Yep I need a good kick up the arse! So I thought this may help. I need to make so many changes in my life there is lots to change but I feel so overwhelmed that in the end I don't make any changes at all. Yes I know I have decided that I am going to move and that is a change, and that's a start I suppose, but I need more. I am hoping to find some direction, some positivity at least. Discover what I need, I will be going in with an open mind. I hope you will see some changes in me, good changes. Wish me luck!

I am going to miss this little guy soooo bloody much over the weekend., 

but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make to find a better me.

Express Yourself

I have been reading a lot about loss and grief in the blogosphere lately. Which I am sorry for. When I read these bloggers words I usually nod whilst reading and think to myself that is exactly how I feel. I am finding it frustrating because I have all these feeling, these emotions, yet I can't write them down. And I read others words and it's like they have written it down for me. I don't know why I can't write them down, I wish I could I know I would feel better for it. I have soooo much to say. But I can't, they are stuck somewhere. I want to leave comments but I can't, I don't know why I can't. I feel like I am in a really strange place.

I have been feeling very tired lately, I am not sure why. I think I might be fighting a sinus infection. I really only have my evenings to write. I pop on and off the computer during the day, post some pics of FB, write a status, read some blogs and that's about it. I do all my thinking in the mornings, I write posts in my head when I am fresh come evening I am exhausted and just can't get them out. The humidity in Sydney has been shocking the last couple of weeks, I love summer but I can't handle the humidity, it just drains me of energy. So my posts are just blah blah lately with no expression. I am not telling you how I am really feeling, not because I don't want to, it's just that I can't. But I want to.

You see this post probably makes no sense. I am tired.

More Randomness

My Mum is ok, very breathless but ok. She didn't end up having the stent inserted, the specialist gave her a good flush out and decided the stent could wait and he will reassess in 3 months time. Which is good news, hopefully her recovery will be faster too and will be up to getting out for he Birthday lunch.

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I just realised I have posted twice in the one day wow! it's been a while since I have done that.

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Boo managed to keep his helmet on for just over 3 hours today. Not all in one go it was on and off but one and half hours was in one block. My niece took him to the indoor playground whilst I had my haircut and coloured YES I finally got my haircut! And I went a bit drastic with the colour I now have one big fat red streak at the front. Why not! Anyway I digress.  Boo was distracted enough playing to keep his helmet on. It was only when he got tired that he wanted it off. So if I can add an hour every day for the next couple of weeks we should get there. That is the plan anyway.

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I am going to see U2 next week it's been quite a while since I have seen any live music, that is something Max and I enjoyed doing a lot of. The week after that I am taking Boo to see the Wiggles! I can't wait to see his reaction, he loves the Wiggles.

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Another photo I just had to share.

Boo is fast asleep here. Like his Daddy he can sleep in any position.

Randomness

My Mum is going in for her procedure tomorrow. It's her birthday on Sunday I have booked a restaraunt to have a big family lunch to celebrate. Now I am not sure if she is going to be up to. We will wait and see....

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Boo is getting his helmet fitted tomorrow too at a different hospital.
Fingerscrossed he copes with it well. I am worried about him getting used to sleeping with it on. We will wait and see....

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I read a blog today of someone that is surviving LMS for 9 years. 9 years!! How I wish Max had 9 years, 7 more years than he had. He could have seen Boo grow into a beautiful boy and Boo would actually be old enough to remember how much his Daddy loved him and built some memories of him. We could have fulfilled a lot more of Max's dreams, our dreams. 9 years.

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It's the first day of Summer here, it has been raining for almost a week and will continue to for the next week. They have forecast a very wet Summer boohoo!! I have so many plans, outdoor activities to do with Boo that I have been looking forward to. Not to mention the washing is piling up!

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Boo had his photo taken with Santa today, I am hoping to make it a yearly tradition. A couple of weeks ago, I introduced Santa to Boo in the shopping centre. He cried and cried. Ever since then, we have visited Santa to get Boo acquainted and so he can watch the other kids get their pics taken. He did it, he sat on Santas lap although he gave a half hearted smile he still smiled however he was still very unsure about Santa.

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I have been feeling pretty down lately. I was having a god run, then BANG back down again. I hope to find my way back up soon.

Ouch!

*** Warning for Mel and anyone else who has fear of spiders and bugs.

The most exciting thing that was meant to happen today was getting a long overdue haircut. I was really looking forward to getting a haircut, I was going with my niece we were both going to get our hair cut nice and short for Summer. I don't remember the last time I had it cut. Anyway it didn't happen.

Why? Well this morning after having a shower and getting dressed, I sat at the computer whilst Boo was asleep with my cuppa for a little time out. I felt this scratchy feeling in my undies. I thought it was a tag or something, then it was becoming more uncomfortable, so I got up from my chair and whilst standing in my office I took my pants off and then my underpants only too see a black thing fling onto the carpet in front of me. I didn't even have to have a close look because I could see what it was from standing. It had it's distinctive markings on it. I knew exactly what it was. A Redback Spider! "Redbacks are considered one of the most dangerous spiders in Australia. The Redback spider has a neurotoxic venom which is toxic to humans with bites causing severe pain." Holy shit! I ran into the bathroom to check out if it had actually bit me, using a hand held mirror to check out my bum crack, yes my bum crack! There was a bite alright and the pain was getting worse. I called my sister and told her just in case something happened to me so she was here for Boo. Then I called the ambulance. Could it have bitten me in an anymore uncomfortable area?? I was told by the 000 service to stay calm and very still and to put an icepack on the puncture site. It wasn't until she told be to stay calm that I started to feel anxious. She also said if I had any trouble swallowing or breathing to call them back if the ambo hadn't arrived. The venom is a slow moving one so as long as you stay still it will travel slowly. After about 15 minutes I started to get strong pain in my groin lymp node. The lymph node was fighting the toxins. My sister arrived before the ambulance. When the Ambo came he took my obs and did an ECG and all was fine. He also had to check out my bum crack, the poor guy. He told me about RB bites and what to expect, apparently the site can become an abscess.   I really hope it doesn't it would so bloody uncomfortable it's sore enough as it is. So apart from the actual bite being quite painful, the very sore lymph node, some nausea and a headache. I was fine, I still am and the nausea has subsided. He gave me an antihistamine and some painkillers an monitored me for about hour. He asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital or I could stay at home and see my GP in the afternoon to check the bite and to monitor my symptoms. I decided to stay home with Boo and my sister stayed with me too. So I survived a Redback Spider bite, well technically I have to monitor my symptoms for 24hours so if I make it till the morning then I have survived a RB bite.  I am pretty sure I will be here in the morning.

So how did the spider get in my undies you ask?
Well the only way I can think of is on the clothes horse. It's been raining so I have put the washing on the clothes horse under the carport. When it's windy sometimes the clothes horse blows over with all my clean clothes, so I tend to prop it up against the BBQ to give it a bit of stability. I noticed some webs on the side of BBQ cover, so it came from BBQ to clothes horse to my undies (oh by the way my undies where black so I had no hope in hell of seeing the bugger!)

She is a huge one too even my GP and the Ambo thought so, they had never seen one that big. I have it in a jar as souvenir, no actually I need to hold onto it case I do get any other symptoms. But I might hold onto it for a while for show and tell....you know.
I really need to watch Boo chasing bugs around the house, although RB's don't tend to come inside they can travel by other means like underpants!

That is why Australia is the lucky country because we have the most venomous everything, no seriously it is the lucky country.

I think I have become undiephobic I will never be able to wear underpants again! Just kidding...I think.
Ouch! my bum hurts and I still really need a haircut!

I DID IT!!

Ta Daaah! (It looks a bit muddy because it is still bleeding a bit)

And the most painful thing was having to listen to extra heavy metal being played full blast in the tattoo shop! No ok it did hurt a bit but it wasn't really that bad. It's actually hurting more now than when it was being done.

I think it's obvious what it represents.
What do you think?

Inked

I am doing it! I am getting my tattoo....finally!
I have booked my appointment for next Tuesday. I found a tatooist I am happy with. I have designed the tattoo, it just needs some tweaking now. My sister is looking after Bubbaboo. So I am getting inked!
Unless I chicken out at the last minute, but I wont.  I want this.

His Ring

I thought I would share a picture of what I wear around my neck these days.

The three disc necklace was given to me when Bugaboo was born by a girlfriend, they are silver and have our names hand stamped on each one. (I have partially blurred them for anonymity.) But I love, LOVE this necklace and have not taken it off since I got it and intend to never take it off if I have choice, it means so much to me and even more so now that Max has gone. It represents us and our family. Lucky all three of us have short names and managed to fit them on the discs. I get comments and compliments on it all the time.

The other necklace is Max's and has his wedding ring hanging off it. Once Max started loosing heaps of weight his ring no longer fit his finger and he insisted he wanted to buy a chain and wear it around his neck because he would hate to lose it. It took ages to find a necklace that he liked and wasn't too girly. When we went shopping for it, it was the first time he had hired a mobility scooter at the shopping centre because walking had become so difficult for him. He was very amused scooting around on his new wheels.
After he broke his humerus bone and had a to wear a sling, wearing the necklace was annoying him. So he took it off and gave it to me to wear. It's another thing I will never take off, it means too much to me and I love wearing it. I don't really care that they don't go together or they may not suit what I am wearing etc. Yesterday when I was in the cemetery office there was a wooden cabinet that had gorgeous silver necklaces in it, I fell in love one just like this first one. It is a cremation necklace where you put some ash of your loved one and wear it around your neck. I did seriously contemplate getting one for about 10 seconds  and then I thought I couldn't possibly wear another necklace around my neck. I had never heard of these before. I suppose it could be a bit creepy for some but not to the individual. A bit like Angelina Jolie who wore a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. To me the necklaces that I am wearing are like tattoos, permanent.

Speaking of tattoos, I have been thinking a lot about getting mine done soon. I might go and have chat to a tattoo artist tomorrow, we will see what happens.