Loving it!

Wow, that week just flew by. I have been busy, busy is good, distractions are good. It makes grieving a little easier. I have been working on building up my photographic portfolio. I am getting there and I can see the improvements with every shoot I do. So to me that is success. I still have LOTS to learn though. Now or soon, very soon I hope I to start making some money from it. Because money is getting pretty tight now that I am paying more rent and the bills are starting to stack up and I don't like that feeling. There is so much that needs to be done before I can get out there though, all the business side of things, which I am usually not very good at. I would love to be able to hand all that over to someone else and just be creative, but that is not going to happen, not for a long time yet.

I miss not having Max around. He had been around for all my business ventures, helping make decisions pointing out the pros and cons I often don't see, he was a realist I am a dreamer. I miss him lots, he would be right into what I am doing now. He could have been my business partner, we could have done this together. See I am dreaming. It's not to be, but I will succeed in this and make him proud and make my Mum proud too. This week I did 3 newborn shoots I have set up a studio in my home, well actually its Boos play room, which I convert. Thankfully I have the space to do it in our new home. I had 3 lovely Mums sitting in my home breast feeding their babies so they would be settled before having their photos taken. If I didn't have Boo, I couldn't have watched that. I wouldn't be able to take photos of babies and children without it upsetting me. I would have been crying at the sight of it, but I was ok. I am ok. Boo makes it ok.  Before my Mum passed away she made all these baby props for my newborn photos, she is with me whilst I am shooting. I love that.

So that is where I am at. Boo is at daycare today so I need to keep working on this new venture. I am loving it and it's nice to have found something I love again.

If you would like a link to my FB page email me at veelife at gmail dot com.

How Much Grief is Enough?

I go to call my Mum many times through out the day. That's what I used to do, call her check up on her see how she is going that day, see if she needed anything. It makes me sad that I can no longer hear her voice asking what I am doing, what Boo is up to, laughing at the new funny thing he does, giving me suggestions on what to cook for dinner. I miss her.

I was telling Bea in an email after she asked how I was feeling "I don't know, a bit strange like I am grieving but almost feel like it's not enough. I keep comparing the way I feel now with the way I felt when Max passed away and I don't feel like I am crying enough I know that must sound really stupid. But I am scared that time will pass and I will regret not grieving my Mothers death. Perhaps it really hasn't hit me yet? I don't know it's strange." Bea's response made sense, she is good like that. I am struggling lately getting my words out.

Firstly, we know our parents are going to die, we are told usually at a young age whether we understand it or want to believe it is a different story. As an adult it is maybe easier to accept.  Also because my Mum had cancer for such a long time, I knew that death was on the cards it was a matter of when. When she was first diagnosed, I cried and cried for months, my whole world was falling apart. I was angry, no way was I going to lose my mother to cancer. I researched everything I could possibly find on her type of cancer and fed my head with it all. I looked into treatments and alternative treatments, spoke to Dr's , alternative health Dr's etc. I wanted and needed to know that my Mum was getting the best treatment that was available. My life was taken over by the need for information, sucking it all up like a kid drinking a chocolate milkshake, slurping at the very bottom, not content until I had everything I could possibly get. It was the only way I could help her it was the only I knew how to cope, to actually be doing something for her. This was 13 years ago, cancer did not touch everyone one you knew in some way like it does today. Back then when someone was diagnosed with cancer, it meant death. There has been a lot progress in curing or preventing cancer in since then (but that is a whole other post) I was pre- grieving back then, I have been pre-grieving for 13 years and perhaps that is why now I don't feel like I am grieving enough. Don't get me wrong I am still grieving, but just not like I was for Max. And I still hate that I can compare the two. It's called anticipatory grief and I first learnt about it when I saw a counselor before Max passed away. It had a name and I didn't even know. I thought I was just going crazy.

A couple of nights ago, my Mum visited me in a dream. I don't recall the dream but I do know that I was very emotional. Since then I feel a bit more comfortable with how I am grieving and the amount I am grieving. Maybe she told me not to beat myself up about it and she knows how much I love her and miss her. You probably think it's strange that I have to weigh up how much grief is enough, even wrong, but she was my Mother and I can never give her enough of anything.

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It was Fathers Day on Sunday. So I took Boo to visit his Daddy, I tend not to take him too often, I usually go on my own, perhaps when he is a little older if he wishes I will take him to see his Daddy regularly. He made a present for him.

Happy Fathers Day - We miss you lots. xx

The Funeral

I don't think I can even write about my Mums funeral in detail. I will say that is was a beautiful celebration of her life. There were close to 350 people there, she touched so many peoples lives. She was amazing my Mum, and I am not just saying that because she is my Mum, you can ask anyone who knew her. Boo was on his best behavior, he slept through half of the service then was a angel for the rest of the day. We joked that my Mum sprinkled fairy dust on him for the day, considering he was so naughty and throwing huge tantrums every time we would go and visit my Mum at the hospital before she passed away. So she thought she would make sure he was on his best behavior on her day. It worked :)

Three of my nephews did a wonderful job in writing and reading her Eulogy. I am going to pinch a couple of lines from it.

"People just wanted to be around Nonna. She took great pleasure in all these simple things and despite the hurdles she faced, life was so “uncomplicated”. Her amazing zest for life attracted and inspired even perfect strangers. And through this she taught us all the importance of community.

Her food was much more than a means of filling you up – it was a simple and encompassing act of love. It displayed a cherishment of family. A reason for togetherness and sharing. Discussions were made over cups of coffee and plates of sweets. Both eating and making the food were great excuses to be together."

She was beautiful, loving, caring, warm, nurturing, a great cook, a great craftswoman, a great cleaner, great wife, a great mother, a great grandmother and a great great-grandmother. She had quite an opened mind for age at 76. She was accepting of everyone and always had her arms open.

She will always be my Mum xx

The Viewing

I sat on the front pew with my Dad and brothers and sister in the church, Boo was at home being looked after by a couple of my friends. I could hear the whispers behind me as my mothers family and friends arrived to visit her for the last time.
The most beautiful casket I have ever seen was wheeled into the church, my sister in law chose it for her. Nothing but the best for our Mum.  The funeral people opened up the casket. My Dad started howling, he continues to speak with her asking why she left him. We all started to sob, there was no way of stopping the tears. When I saw her she looked yellow, it took a while for the eyes to adjust and only focus on her beautiful face. Once I stopped crying and cleared my eyes, I noticed she was not  wearing any make-up, not even lipstick. I got my sisters attention and told her that Mum would be horrified, she would never leave the house without lipstick. She agreed. She told the funeral people, she offered them her lipstick and they applied it to her respectfully. It was amazing how different she looked, now it was my Mum.

We had an opportunity to say our goodbyes. I got up and kissed her forehead many times, it was so cold, frozen cold. My Mum was always warm, with a huge warm heart. But I couldn't kiss her enough. I just wanted to hold her, I cried. My eldest brother put his arm around me to comfort me. She looked beautiful in her dress that she had chosen, her pearl earrings and matching necklace. She took with her her handbag, in it was her prayer book a new one so she could start fresh and her Rosary beads, and also an Italian deck of cards. She taught all the grandkids to play 31, she loved to win and often even cheated. She would pull out her jar full of five cent pieces so they had money to play with. So she had a five cent piece in her bag for every child and grandchild. I put a photo of Boo and I in her prayer book with a note written on the back. I want her to show Max. Anyone that wanted to give her something did, I saw my nephew give her one his music cd's. She was always there to support him and his music, even going to his Pub gigs, that's just the woman she was. She was proud.

As the chant of the Rosary was being said, I couldn't take my eyes off her. My beautiful mum. The Rosary was completed and we said our final farewell. I kissed her frozen forehead again and put my hand on her heart. Good bye Mum, I love you. The casket was closed.

After the Viewing the entire family went back to my Dad's house, it always used to be "Mum's house" even though they both lived there. If someone would ask where are you going, the response would be " To Mums" It's been a difficult habit to break. It was the first time back to the house for me and many of the others. There were lots of tears and first sitings of some of my Mum's possessions were hard to take. The hardest for me was seeing her chair empty. Where she would sit and crochet or knit. It was her chair and she was there not that long ago doing this......

She will no longer sit in this chair, ever.

My Dad has been a real mess, but it's expected. I remember that all too well, going back home after Max died and finding his things everywhere, he was everywhere, just like my Mum is everywhere.
I miss my Mum x

Mish Mash

I have so much to say. So much has happened the last couple of days, with my Mums viewing, visiting her home, then her funeral yesterday and today it's my gorgeous Boo's 2nd birthday. My head is spinning my emotions are everywhere. I will come back once I can sort things out in this head of mine.

Thank you all for you kind words. xx

Angry

I am angry, angry, angry! I don't get angry very often. I am making up for it now. I am angry with my family, angry with my friends, angry with Boo, and at the universe. Just pissed off is what I am.

I am feeling so lonely, I have a huge family and heaps of friends but I feel like have no one to hold me when I am cry. I am missing Max terribly, he used to always be there for me, to listen to me, to hold me. I need to feel his embrace right now. So we can cry in each others arms.

Fuck the universe.

She will always be beautiful.

When Max died he was angry, he didn't want to leave. He wasn't ready, he had too much to live for, he had me, he had his beautiful Boo his life as a family was just beginning. He was enjoying his work, loving his hobbies, had so many dreams to fulfill. His cancer made him feel ugly. He had a good reason to die angry. The image of his last days is stuck in my head I can't wipe it, it haunts me.

My Mum on the other hand, she died peacefully, she was beautiful even after she took her last gasp of air. She was ready. She was in wonderful hands at Palliative care, she was comfortable and she said she felt safe there. She was scared to be at home. I hate that I can even compare the two, my most cherished people in this world apart from Boo. The image of my Mums last days is beautiful, she didn't change at all, she just looked like my Mum. She almost died with a smile on her face. I can carry that image in my head without it haunting me. She is always beautiful. She took a lot of pride in what she looked like. She always wore beautiful jewelry, everything had to match. She always looked a million bucks, she put me to shame. She often hounded on me about what I was wearing. I need to be comfortable, often not to her liking.

Her request is that she wants a viewing and rosary, I am not sure how I am going to stomach seeing her. But we are doing everything to make her look as beautiful as she always did. Another request before she died was that they didn't put too much make-up on her. She was just a lipstick and a little blush woman. We will make sure of that.

My Mum will always beautiful.

Numb

I am feeling really numb, it hasn't really hit me that my Mum has died. I think it might the day of the funeral. I don't know, my grief is kind of all over the place. Grieving for my Mum and Max and everything we have lost not having these two beautiful souls in our lives. I know they are together and I believe that they are happy and at peace. It's this sense I am getting.

My family has been busy organising my Mums funeral, we are a big family 5 siblings. So by the time everyone has their say, and is delegated something well it takes time. Some things my Mum had already decided on, like what dress she wanted to wear but not until her final days, because according to her she wasn't going anywhere and it wasn't until she was ready that she bought it up. Unlike with Max we had pretty much everything organised, even though it was really difficult at the time to talk about it, it made everything soooo much easier during this difficult time.

I have so much to say but I am feeling pretty exhausted, emotionally drained and also due to lack of sleep.

R.I.P. Mum

You gave it all you had, I wish I had half the strength you had.  I know your faith got you through this, in the end you were defeated but not without a good fight. You fought the dragon for 13 years, who does that? Only a super woman like you.

I can't say good bye. You are my Mum, always my Mum. I can't let you go, even though you have left. Left us to meet Max, your Mum and your brother.

You are no longer suffering I am happy for that, but I want you here. You were meant to come and see our new house, you where so looking forward to it, dam it!

I love you, I miss you xx

You Spin Right Round

Yesterday I was high as a kite. I did the City2Surf, I survived 14km and Heart break Hill. I did it! I still can't believe it. The endorphins kicked in and we had a really great day. I was thinking of Max and knew he would very proud of Boo and I, not only for completing it but also raising funds for Rainbows for Kate. And I must say I was pretty chuffed with myself also. I am aching today but its ok, it's good pain right.

Waiting for the race to start.

One in 85,000 people.

Heading towards the finish line

Congratulating each other with our medals.

Bondi beach- The End.

This morning I took Boo to daycare, he wore his medal he won to show off proudly. Then I took off to see my Mum at the palliative care. I hadn't seen her in two days. When I got there my heart skipped a beat. She was sitting in her chair beside her bed, in a hospital gown with a bare back and bare feet. Her mouth dropped wide open and her eyes rolling around in a gaze. I just saw Max. And I think I said "Oh my G-d" out loud. I went and gave her a hug and asked how long she had been there and where where her slippers. She hates being barefoot unlike me. She murmured a few words. She basically didn't know. I sat on the bed and asked if she wanted her slippers on she said yes. I gave her a nice foot and leg massage , I put my head down so she couldn't see the tears rolling down my face. I couldn't believe how much she had deteriorated. It really hit me then, that my Mum was soon leaving us. She had to go to the loo. She no longer has the energy to walk the short distance to the toilet so she did it in one of those portable loo chairs, but she was so breathless the Dr's decided that it was time she needed a catheter so she could conserve her energy. Her chest was rattling and she was gasping for air and really zonked out. I got her into her bed and went to find a Dr to speak with. She had had a very bad night with her breathing so they had given her more meds to help with it. They told me it was probably best to to call the family. Fuck! I walked into the common room and called my sister and told her that my Mum was deteriorating fast. I told her it was Max all over again, I couldn't stop crying. She did all the calling around. My Dad got there and he was sobbing as he walked in her room. My Mum asked  my Dad "What's wrong with you?" I am not going anywhere. As the day progressed more of my family arrived. I went and picked up Boo and took him back to see his Nonna. I have a HUGE family. By the end of the evening she told every one to go home, because she wasn't going to die yet. Can you believe my Mum?

So my head is spinning, my body is aching. And tomorrow is another day. I have managed to get Boo into daycare for the day, so I can have some time with my Mum, because according to her she isn't going anywhere yet. She really is amazing, my Mum. I love her so much.